Don't Know What to Do

Wow. It's hard I'm sure. I have 2 thoughts that go through my head about this. One thought is that the kids should have a say and can you ask for a CASA worker to be assigned to them? If they really are unhappy they should be able to say that it's too much and too disruptive in their lives to go back and forth.

BUT..my 2nd thought is that the fact that he is not with his 2nd wife is irrelevant. All kids need to have a good relationship with both parents if possible and he and the kids need to figure this out together. I'm sure he isn't an imbecile. He must love his kids and want them to be around. I'm sorry he lied. Lord knows why he did that. But he probably had friends and family members telling him he would be giving up too much and that he'll be pushed out of his life if he does that now.

I think getting them some assistance would be very helpful in helping them to communicate their own needs. They are too young to be able to say why they don't want to go back and forth and even though you say that you don't bad mouth him in front of them, you can't hide your feelings. Body language speaks volumes.

This is why I hate divorce so badly. Anyone that says staying together for the sake of the kids is wrong because they see too many fights doesn't realize that the fighting doesn't end after the divorce. The fighting just becomes more costly and more complicated with even more lasting hard feelings if the people don't find a way to work it out. I guess in my own life I've always felt that it would be better to put the effort into saving the family without a divorce.

You are divorced from this man but he's still your other half of parenting. You and he need to find a way to communicate and compromise just as much now as you should have when you were married, maybe even more.

Suzi

J., I believe you should give them a chance to try it and if it doesn't work take it back to court and ask the judge if he would listen to the children side of the story. Or as already suggested get a case worker. It truly sounds like you don't have a choice in the matter since the judge ruled it to 50/50. I do however think that it great that you keep your comments about their dad away from them. Not many people are that respective. I only pray for the best for you and your family.

J.,

i am a single mom of two kids myself and i have been through the custody issues with my oldest's father and now my oldest is 4 and a half almost 5 and she has come home from her dad's telling me all sorts of mean things and that it is my fault that her dad left....obviously someone is saying something. fortunately, and i hate to say this, he's a "disneyland" dad and lives in another state, so i only have to deal w/ him once a month and at holidays....unfortunately i'll be finding myself in your position in april because he and his "g/f flavor this month" are moving up here. he talks the big talk of taking me back to court and getting 50/50 and child support from me because i make more than he does and he is a full time college student (going back into the service after he graduates, mind you i put him through school for his bachelor's when we were married).

right now, i think the kids are too young to talk to the judge, that might freak them out, BUT...if you are uncomfortable with this situation then you need to go back to court. i complained the same thing to my lawyer and the judge when i was living in the same state as my ex before we moved. my daughter didn't want to go to her dad's and she would cry every time i left her with him unless he picked her up at daycare during his visitation, and getting him to do that was almost impossible. my lawyer told me what i just told you, go back and try to get the visitation modified, until then you have to do what is ordered and the kids will have to do it because it is ordered. they will get used to it and then when they are older they can talk to a judge. you could also request or petition to get another judge to hear your case or if push comes to shove....another lawyer. let me know what happens and if you have any other questions, please ask. i've been through this before. the court room isn't an unfamiliar place to me.

It's really too bad your ex lied in court, but he must have done it because he wants the kids more than he's getting them - or because it impacts his child support.

I can think of a couple of things.

First, if he's going through another split-up, he may feel very unhappy and lonely, and having his kids around him may be the only thing that makes him feel better. He may have put you in that position in court because he felt you'd say "no" to him if he asked to go back to the 50-50. I guess I'd give him a chance to prove that he can be a good 50--50 dad on his own. I have seen a lot of men rise to the occasion in order to be with their kids. And you and I both know a lot of women who single parent and work successfully. Maybe you can just tell him you're going to give him a chance to rise to the occasion, but that if you see that it's not working for the kids, you're going to go back to the court with evidence and ask to put the visitation back.

A second thing you can do is to get a mediator to sit down with the two of you and work out a parenting plan that you both feel good about. If you get a mediator who might also be a child psychologist (ask the court clerk for names), he or she might be able to help you and your ex figure out what's really best for the kids - and for your own comfort.

I know how hard these things are. Just keep your eye on your kids' emotional state, be supportive of the visitation as much as you can so that they will feel ok about leaving you, and hopefully both you and your ex can be flexible so that your kids' needs come first.

Good luck.

J.,

I've been there done that sort of thing. You can never trust your ex because they will always try to screw you over no matter how small the situation is. I would suggest keeping a journal of all the dates, times that your children have to go to their dad's house and their responses to it. Once you have a pretty good log, take your ex back to court and try to get his custody modified. Next time your ex wants to change court orders get him on recording saying what he agrees to then, next time he wants to lie to the judge you have him on tape.