Don't Know If I Should Have a Third Child

You know the answer. The idea is splendid.....I would love to have more than 2.....I almost had a third and decided not to. I do regret it when I think about it. My husband is fixed now....We can relax.
I have enough $$$$ To pay for the girls to do special things that make them better people. They are involved in horses etc. If I had more kids I could'nt afford it. Maybe I can take them to latin America or around the world someday.
There are plenty of children out there that can use guidance. You can always semi-adopt those neighborhood kids who need some extra loving. You still have time to decide....It is nice to have them close together(better relations)...You may want to decide soon...

Hi S.... I would say you should go with what YOU want, since you feel comfortable with 2 children,have a career, and don't want to interrupt it again.

who will carry the child for 9 months in their body? who will give the majority of the care?
you will, and ultimately, you have final say. i have two, and am looking forward to a career. i think two is perfect. it is OK for you to have a preference. it is NOT selfish to not want another child. that is a valuable voice inside you. listen to it~

Hi S.,

I've read some of the responses, and. . .Listen, don't have another child. Wait -- have you considered praying and asking God what you should do? His will is always perfect, even if it is not what we had thought would be perfect.

If you are deciding strictly on your wants, and do not/would not consider God's will for your life. . .don't have another. Children are precious gifts. They need lots of love, lots of attention, they need to KNOW that they are not seen as burdens. They need to know that they are more important than EVERYTHING else. Including your career.

Sounds like you have already made career choices you weren't pleased about. You should pray and ask God if your career "wants" are "selfish ambition" at the expense of the 2 children you already have. Listen, I'm **NOT** saying it is "selfish ambition". I'm saying, PRAY - ask God if it is!

Also, did you husband know your plan re: career and family when you were married? Did you discuss family planning, continuing to work and wanting to advance in your career?

If yes, it would be good to discuss this with him, as a reminder. State that you realize his desire for more kids and you are honored that he wants to increase your family. But that, knowing what both you knew re: family planning, you are quite happy and satisfied with your family as is. That you have made unforseen choices re: career (not traveling, etc.) and that you are just not ready to make additional sacrifices.

If no, if it was never discussed, or, you ahve changed your mind. . .you need to discuss this to. Explain, how - when - why your desires for family and career changed or were formed. Apologize for his dissapointment. Emphathize. He will be hurt and dissapointed.

Remember, your husband is NOT the enemy. You are a TEAM. You are LIFE PARTNERS and you need to handle each other with care and tenderness.

Best of Luck and God Bless.

Hi S.,

It is OK to say No.

Hi S., I am not sure if anyone can legitimately respond to your request because whether to have a third child is such a personal, spiritual decision that drives much fate. That being said, I really hear that you care about investing in your career, even if it is 'someday'. If you ever have to provide for yourself or your two children, you will be happy that you shifted gears and took some steps toward securing a more secure future in a career. I am a mom of two girls, 11 and 14. I have always worked part time, and I have been one of the lucky ones to be able to make it financially doing so, while my girls were small. Now that my kids are past the very young child stage, I am happy that I didn't abandon my career. Having a third child would've actually really made this more difficult to do. On whether you should have a third, you should not do it if it is ONLY really to please your spouse. I feel that resentment can really grow when we do not listen to ourselves or take our own needs into account. You will be a better mom to the two kids you have if you do not neglect yourself. It is a tough balancing act, though, to care for a family and also to care for one's self...especially as a mother. My sister, who holds a doctoral degree in Philosophy of Religion, is very interested in studying and writing about this topic. Mothering is such an all consuming and a spiritual process. Do you believe that when we take care of our children, we are really taking care of ourselves? On the other side, we are distinct and separate from our children, so we must look at caring for others and caring for ourselves distinctly. One of the most helpful pieces of advice I've received regarding this balance, is to do an exercise where you map out your life into 'seasons' one being "raising children from infancy through Kindergarted" years and breaking your life up (past and future) into chunks of several years for each major task. This helps one assess and become accepting of the seasons and stages for what they really are, as well as what they require of us. That big picture analysis is a great process to engage when making such major life decisions. I wish you and your family the best in 2009. K.

hi S. 2 kids are alot of work, exspecially boys. your right not much more time for baby decideing, i can hear it in your 'voice ' that 2 kids will be plenty for you i was the middle child & it wasn't easy. i think your wonderful family of 4 can make all of you pretty happy. i had 2 boys 2 1/2 yrs apart then a 3rd son 20yrs later i was 42 when i had him he was a surprise but the best surprise ever so be happy with your 2 now & let time tell you the rest, 2 boys close in age come with alot of sport activities & alot of different shuedling it was hard. good-luck on your career. proud momma of 3 wonderful boys 25,22, & 2 1/2

One thing to consider in your decision is the impact having another child will have on the planet. If every family had 3 children, we would quickly overpopulate the planet to the point it's not liveable. In fact, we're going that way already. Resources are limited everywhere - in terms of attention, money, and time in the family, and in terms of resources like food, water, air, land, fossil fuels, etc that people consume on a global scale.

You already know the answer to your question....why not enjoy being with your sons, relatives and friends' children as they go through childhood...or you and your husband volunteer for Bay Area Crisis Nursery...your heart knows.

Don't have another child.

HI S.,

I read a bunch of the responses and wow,,,what a range!! You seem to have struck a note with some. Honestly, I feel like this is a decision that can only be made by really working it out with your husband. None of us know the dynamic of your relationship or what is truly important to you as a couple and family.... however, since you asked for advice, mine is this... Don't have another.

I do believe that children are a blessing. I love my children more than anything and truly feel that they are the best thing I have ever done, but we are stopping at 2 because that is what is best for our family. I think it is important to consider what is best for the family as a whole and how another child would impact you, your husband, your two boys and the baby! Balance is such an important thing in a family and it sounds like another child is not part of your family balance.

I completely disagree with people who say 'I come from a big family and my parents did it... have more kids!" We live in a very different world than we used to. And even then, if all 6 kids (in my case) came out beautifully... that is an anomaly. Parenting is tough and the more kids you have the tougher it becomes in all kinds of ways.

I LOVE kids!! I left a very fulfilling job to be home. And now I am an at home childcare provider and that's how I get my fix. I am not career driven in the same way that you are, but that is something very valid for you and it should be respected too... just as your husband's desires to have another child are.

You already know that you want more of what you would have to sacrifice... more freedom for yourself, more choices for your career, more time with the two kids you already have. Maybe you would be happy to have a third child... but maybe you wouldn't and that doubt says (in my opinion) not to.

You do deserve to have a life and as women I think we feel like we have to please everyone and do it all. The answer will come... and you do have a little bit of time to decide on this as far as your biological clock. Take care of yourself... listen to your heart and what you know if best for you and you family.

Hope this helps! Good luck with your decision!

S.,

My advice would be that if your husband wants more children to have a large family, you might consider adoption of an older child in need. You would not have to spend the same kind of time...It is easy to spend time with an older child just doing the daily things like shopping or other errands even cooking dinner. A baby is a much different time management demand and for a mom trying to be a stong business women the baby stage is the hardest.
anyways, just a thought.
Much luck in your choice and God Bless.

C.

I think all children should be 100% wanted when they are brought into the world. Regardless of whether a woman is deciding to have a 1st, 2nd or 3rd, I think you have to be really, deeply clear, that creating this child is what you want. If your heart is not completely in it, I would say don't do it. As the woman in the relationship, it is your body that goes thru pregnancy, childbirth, nursing, postpartum, etc. It is also most likely you, as the mom, who has primary childrearing duties. Raising a child is such a beautiful thing, and it also requires a huge amount from us - physically, emotionally, and time-wise. You have to really, really want it.

Having a child is a very self sacrificing choice. As mothers we give up so much for our precious gifts. I had a hard time deciding when to stop having kids. It does feel selfish when you make that choice because we are so tied down with little ones. Ultimately, I think you should have as many as you think that you can have and give your all too. As you seem to know already, there will be more sacrificing on the career front if you have another. I am a stay at home mom so I am on the opposite spectrum, I guess. I figure this is my career for now, I just started homeschooling my oldest. I love pouring into them and reaping those benefits! Good luck on your decision and God Bless!
T.

Then don't have one. The two of you should be on board with this. Also your concerns about it hindering your life are EXTREMELY VALID, and you are not being "selfish." (You deserve to be selfish.) Two's a great number. Good luck with hubby.

Hello S.,

I don't respond to many ads since I don't feel quite qualified or that I know enough about the issues. Today I read yours and I felt very comfortable responding to you. I am the mother of three children, 16, 14, and 11. First of all both my husband and I love our children and would do anything in the world for them. I've found it very challenging to be a loving, active, and involved mother much less have a life of my own. In fact I would say that I'm lucky to have a couple of hours a week to myself. I would highly recommend that you don't have that 3rd child. Think about when your boys become teenagers and the issues they will face: drugs, alcohol, sex, school, choosing a career, sports, peer pressure etc. etc. You will desire and be obligated to be there for them, help them, and support them while they are figuring out things for themselves. Think also what would happen if you were to have an unhealthy child. Would you be ready to handle that? Would you be willing to leave your career to care for another child full time if needed? How would that impact your family, your boys, your current living situation. I'm not trying to be negative but those are some of the issues I discuss with my teenagers. I don't regret having any of my children but I knew then what I know now I would do things differently.

Take care and the best of luck with your decision.

E.

When in doubt ... DON'T. That's advice straight from my dad's very wise counsel. If you have doubts then it's NOT the right time or right ever maybe.

It's NOT selfish to want to have your own life as well as that of "wife" and "mother". And I certainly know how easy it is to lose yourself as either or both. I've been a stay at home mom with my 3 and there have definitely been times I've wished I'd only had two. Not that I don't love my youngest ... I do ... but he's not just 50% more work and money and energy ... I sometimes feel my work load didn't just go up about half more ... but double or triple more. And as they get older it DOESN'T get EASIER. Sure you don't have to dress and feed them and all that ... but getting 3 kids to 3 seperate activities in 3 seperate parts of town AT THE SAME TIME ... I swear it's enough to drive a saint to drink. Oh and lets not forget all the teenage hormonal angst ... gawd.

The choice in the end is completely up to you and your husband. But if ONE of you says no ... then it's NO. You both have to agree to having another child for it to work well.

Sounds like this is being set up for if you have a 3rd one, you'll be very resentful for him/her taking away from your career. Forget it- don't do it- kids are not accessories to leisurely decide, should I deal with it or not? I don't really want to... it's a much more positive experience if you feel- I love being a mom so much, I have so much love to give to a baby and we would all be so thrilled to be blessed enough to have another baby- I certainly don't hear that. Remember there are many people who would give anything in the world to have one baby- I'm not hearing the desire or interest or commitment from you.

Hi S.,
I'm right there with you. Same as you, I've "downgraded" my career a bit to avoid so much travelling for work. I love my kids, but I love my job too. And there's something to be said for having kids who can feed and clothe themselves, and who are completely potty trained!

My husband also would like to have a third child, but after thinking it over, I told him I didn't want to. My thought was that the two kids we have are fantastic. I feel like I barely have enough time to spend with them as it is - imagine having a newborn in the mix (again)! As they get older, they will have more activities, such as sports and music. Will I have enough time to spend 50% more time on these activities with the third child? Will I have to make them stop doing activities they love because we don't have the time or money to let them do these activities? (And if so, is that really fair to them?) Do I have 50% more money to put in a college fund for a third child?

I know people always say, "Just have another and worry about the money later," but that just doesn't seem realistic to me. I want my kids to have the best opportunities I can give them, both in terms of my time, and of course financially, and the more kids I add, the less time and money I have for each child.

So for me, I decided no more kids. Maybe someday if we win the lottery, then we'll adopt. There are lots of kids out there who need families.

That's my two cents. Obviously it's a very personal decision for each person though. Anyhow, I wish you luck in your decision!

You sound like you don't want a third child to me - but.. I suggest you and your husband sit down together after the kids have gone to bed and play the "What if" game. Start with the practical ramifications of a third child (like schedule and finances) and work from there. Don't put limits on the scenarios you come up with - it's all theoretical anyway. Maybe even come up with a scenario where he is a stay at home dad (LOL)
This will help you see each other's points of view, and maybe even come up with an alternative solution. Good Luck!

It's always tough when a couple doesn't agree on such an important question, but I think, in the end, the mom's preferece has to win out-- she's the one who'll be pregnant, after all, and in most families, the children fall more heavily on the mom, even when she's working full-time.
Best of luck!

I'm in the same boat as you but am older. My children are younger though and even with that, I feel like the gap between #2 and #3 would be getting too big. About best case now would be a 5 year difference or you and that's a lot. My sister and I are 5 years and while we're close now, it wasn't great growing up. So I'd worry that #3 would be odd man out. I also echo the comments about environmental concerns. Some people write that children are God's gifts and everything works out but I find that rather short sighted. The world is overpopulated. Do they ever consider that when having 5 kids? Or as someone said, what if everyone had 3 children? Then I consider the odds that all 3 will turn out healthy and successful/stable. My husband wants another partly bc he's from a family of 4. What he doesn't focus on is 2 of his siblings have caused way more pain than happiness for his parents and he doesn't talk to any of his siblings much anyway. I'm one of 2 but at least we're close to each other emotionally (not geographically) and very attentive to our parents. So end of day, my parents have a much better situation than his parents with 4. He gets no attention from his mother and he says "well, she has 3 other kids to deal with." Well, then why did she have 4 kids? I feel unless you're going to want to stay involved etc, don't have more. He keeps saying "what are we going to do when they're older?" bc they're so cute and cuddly now. I agree. I'll hate to see them so big they don't want to be smothered w/ kisses. But even if we have 3, a day will come when that one's too old too. So I tell him we'll get a dog... Kids can get in so much trouble now and have so many difficulties that I want as many resources available as possible to help. That means time and money and those will be more stretched with 3. Finally, my career is in a great spot but I figure I'd have to quit with a 3rd too and that would make our financial situation much more risky. But I don't see how there would be enough time to do the 3rd justice if I don't. But like you, I'm not the stay at home type. So I'm surprised but glad to see so many people say not to have a 3rd rather than people saying "go ahead, it'll all work out."

Though it goes against all I believe, I would have to say in this case if you are haveing any doubts about a third child, don't have one. The reason is because everything mom feels and experiences affects the whole family. If you decided to have another then later regretted or felt that the child actually has burdened you in some way, it is going to affect your whole family, especially the third child. Whether you verbally express your unhappiness, uncontentment or not children do pick up on it and they know.
I am of the belief that children are a blessing & heritage from God according to Scripture. I would certainly never turn away a blessing from our Creator. But I would not wish for one child to grow up in a family that was not 100 percent desireing of that child. That itself can be pretty damaging to a child.
I hope the best for you and your family.
Shalom!

I don't think not wanting a third child is selfish. I think it is responsible parenting. It sounds as if you have serious reservations about having a third child. My opinion for what it is worth is to not have another child at this time. It may make you resent your potential child if you have a child and aren't really wanting it. Also, even though you are turning 35 there are other ways to have a child - adoption, fostering, fost/adoption, etc. Plus many women are able to have children later. Good luck and believe that you'll make the right decision for you.

http://www.chefwalton.com

I only read a few of of the responses, and most in favor of having the extra baby. My advice to you is to go back and read your own question. You don't know if you should have another baby. You have your answer! If you are not sure, then you shouldn't have another one!

Your want's and desires are equally as important. Children are wonderful... and as a working mom, and a career woman I would not change anything about my experiences as a mom! I love my son! But I love my career too!

Listen to your heart. Fulfillment and growth comes in many ways. For some it is in watching your children grow and mature into amazing people. But for some of us, fulfillment also comes with challenges that make us grow as a person. No matter what your chosen career desire is... if you don't follow your dreams, you will be sorry you missed that too.

You are not being selfish. Taking care of your own needs, and assuring that your life is happy and fulfilled as a woman, a mother and a wife is the best gift you can give to your family. Be true to yourself.

It sounds like you have already made up your mind. I think that if you are interested in furthering your career, having another child is probably not the best idea. I would talk with your husband and make sure he understands your side. I'm in the opposite boat, i want a third and my husband doesn't feel comfortable supporting another child. So if he doesn't want another one, we won't have another one (it has to be something you both really want).

S. D,

Listen to your gut. If you have hesitation for bringing another child into the world, don't. The last thing you want is to have another child to please your husband and then you end up resenting the child. I would discuss with your husband why he wants a child, why you don't and unless you both agree that it is best to have another baby, don't do it. As for your age, you have plenty of time to decide-- I know several moms over 40 who have just started having babies. Seriously discuss all your fears and pros/cons of having another- I wish you the best with your families decision.

Take care,

Molly

You have to do what you feel is right for you. Since it is your body, time and energy that will be exerted you must consider your feelings. You and your husband should make a list of pros and cons and figure out if you will have the same quality time with your 2 boys if you do this. You do not want to be overloaded and therefore neglect any child. You and your husband have to come to an agreement or there will be resentment on either part. Discuss it and think about it long and hard what is really important to you. I also work full time and have a 2 month old girl and I love her so much but I have to go back to work. I know it will be difficult but age does play a factor in your decision. Also don't let your career rule you remember family is far more important. Good luck.

You need to do what is right for your FAMILY. The moment you and your husband got serious about your relationship it stopped being about you and started being about WE.

You are acting like children are a burden, something awful that is preventing you from doing better things. There is no greater calling than parenthood. You are developing the next generation, the people who will be running this world after we are gone.

Your career is secondary to your family. On your deathbed you are not going to wish you had spent more time at work. You are going to wish you had spent more time with your family.

There's nothing wrong with taking less demanding jobs out there. Less demanding means less stress! You can still have a challenging job that does not infringe upon family time.

If you have a third child you will love that child, and that child will be a blessing to you. But your focus should always be family first.

Talk to your husband, and LISTEN to your husband. Listen to him. He has valid points as well and he deserves to be heard.

EDIT: Anyone talking about over population are just plain wrong. I have studied ecology and the problem is not that there are too many people, the problem is that there is an uneven distribution of resources. There are also MANY couples these days who choose to have no children (there are even special groups for it), and MANY couples who choose to only have one or two children so it balances it out here in the USA. There are actually countries, like France, who are desperate for immigrants because there are not enough of their own people having babies to support their economy or military because people are too busy to have kids.

About adopting an older child. Usually those kids have been severely abused which is why they are in the system. You will have to deal with all sorts of issues and may actually require MORE work in the long run. I've got nothing against adopting older children but you've gotta be prepared for the issues that come with it.

Remember, it's not about you anymore. It's about your family. Family First. (That's also a book, I recommend it.)

Oh, and I am the third out of eight children. My parents made sure that we all got individual time with them, especially my Mom. She was a pro at it. We also all get along with one another and enjoy family visits.

PS again, Abbie H had a fabulous suggestion. You and your husband should be a team, and that's how a team figures out their next move.