Don't Feel Guilty When I Leave My Son

Girl, I can completely relate to you. I went back to work when my son was six weeks old. Didn't feel the least bit sad or guilty to leave him behind with my mom. Sent him to Arizona with his grandparents for Easter when he was about 18 months old. He spent a week with them. Didn't feel anything then either. Went to Ireland for a week. Same thing. He is with family. He is happy. He doesn't seem to be suffering while I'm gone. Why should I feel bad if he's well cared for and happy?

I don't feel guilty when I leave my 4 kids. If you stayed all the time then you son never be able to have you leave, then you'd be stuck. Plus it's not all the time and he's with family. I am glad though that my husband isn't that way. That would just be irritating. I wish you the best.

I don't think you are insensitive. If you are leaving him with people he likes and you trust, then you shouldn't need to feel guilty! You know he is safe & having fun, and you can get things done.

I certainly don't feel guilty leaving my daughter with my parents. She's happier there than she is at home! LOL

It's a helicopter parenting generation right now where moms are supposed to sacrifice everything and give all to their kids. They're already seeing the negatives of this with the kids entering college without the coping skills to handle life on their own and the need for a parent to handle everything. He's just tapping into that. I don't feel guilty, either. How is guilt beneficial, anyway? We have a lot to learn from the Europeans. In Sweden, for example, both parents work, the government provides free child care and there's no mommy guilt. Their kids grow up to be happy, well adjusted adults.

It's imperative that you find time for yourself. You'll be a much better parent and wife for it. Your child knows he's loved and that's what matters. Whether or not you cry the whole time you're away doesn't really change that.

BTW, does your husband get daddy guilt for leaving? Does he cry the whole time you're away from your son? If not, then he needs to practice what he preaches and get his daddy guilt going. :)

The first time I left my 9mo son for 10 days (with my DOTING parents) I was a nutcase for the first few days, and then (with the addition of sleep, daily calls & reports, etc) I relaxed into things, and by the end of the 10 days I didn't really want to go back. (just for the record I *did* go back).

He had a splendid time, I had a splendid time. First day or two was a bit of transition, and then everything was back to normal. Ever since then I haven't felt any guilt for leaving him with loved ones.

I love him so much it's dizzying, but if anything, those little mini-breaks are a thing that I look forward to.

Of course, as he got older, we get to talk on the phone... which is SUPER enlightenting. About 1/2 the time kiddo is way too busy with something "interesting" to talk (It's just mom, I'll talk to her later...LOL), and the other 1/2 of the time it's "Mommy!!! Guess what nana & *I* DID!?!?!"

My kiddo has always been extremely well "attached", meaning he has total trust that I'll return... whether it's an hour or a week.

He also has a KILLER relationship with my parents. The watched him for about 1/2 of my travels when he was little (I brought him with me the other 1/2... and now 100% of the time... we're about to head off to argentina for a month), watched him while I was in school, and today watch him one afternoon a week (it's their playdate), and one night a month. He's one of those very charismatic, so sure that everyone loves him that they do, kind of kids.

I never feel guilty for leaving him with my parents or anyone else who loves him. I feel happy for him, and happy for me. ((And NO ONE could accuse me of being distant or insensitive... I'm one of those very emotive/excited about life and sharing it kinds of people. I'm also a SAHM / WAHM, Homeschooler, etc... I LOVE being around my ds7. But I'm also happy for his adventures, and happy for my own)).

Hi P.K I have to agree mostly with busy mom, I have raised 3 kids and all through raising my kids. my husband and I have continued to date, we have been dating and married for almost 29 years, you dont have to leave for a few days to keep your marriage strong, I think over nights are good, but remember this they are children for a short time, and the time you lose for self, you don't get back, what you miss you miss. My husband and I started doing the weekend get always when our first born was old enough to babysit, and my parents were living just on the next block. I agree with the other moms when they say children need to learn independence, and to survive on their own, mine learned that by having strong parents who taught them that, we didn't have to leave them for days for them to learn that. Honestly P. K. they way you come across, I see where your husband is coming from. J.

Do not second guess yourself, you are healthy! It is wonderful for you to have time away and for your son to have time with his grandparents. It sounds like a win win for everyone. Your son will grow up to see his mom had other things in her life besides being only a mom, after all he will grow up and leave the home one day, then what? Sounds to me like you have a healthy relationship with being a mother and a healthy sense of keeping your own identity! How does your husband feel about being away from your son for a week? Maybe, he has the guilt?Good luck!

I'm the same way. I love my daughter dearly, however I'm very happy to go to work everyday or take the odd trip. I spent a whole year with her, hardly ever taking breaks. I started to lose myself and became a boring person to be around.

I think there is a lashback from the 80's latchkey kid. If you haven't noticed, kids today are coddled and given so much attention. I'm not judging people responsible for this, but I'm certainly not going to feel bad for having my own life.

One day, that child will be 18, and will leave the house. What kind of role model will you be for your child if the only thing you have in your life is them? If you travel and do interesting things, you can share this with them and make them realize how big the world is. If you are independent, they will be independent. If your world is big, their world will be big. If you stay at home and spend every waking moment with them because you feel guilty, their world will be small, and they'll think the whole world revolves around them.

I am a stay at home mom, and I would feel horibbly guilty if I left my kids that long. I've never been away from my son more than a night, and my daughter the longest was 3 days. My kids do great for a night or so, but more than 2 days is a nightmare for them. It is just to hard to get them back on routine and used to the different rules and styles of parenting. There is only one person I could think of that I would leave my kids for a week with and that is because that person would come to our home and completely keep them on their homeschooling & normal routines.

Now if I worked, maybe I would feel differently but for now I don't. I am my childrens teacher & main caregiver. I didn't have kids so that other people could raise them. I am very old fashioned in these aspects.

That's kinda silly for him to feel you should feel guilty. Why, does he feel guilty? If he did, he wouldn't want you guys to travel so much, right? Why should you feel guilty if you know your son is in a good safe place and is well taken care of? Moms feel guilty enough as it is for no reason! I am the same way, but some moms do feel guilty. If you did feel guilty, you wouldn't be able to enjoy yourself as much, and I'm sure he wouldn't want that.. Don't let him make you feel that way, that's just silly. :)

I don't feel guilty as long as my son is with someone that I trust completely and I know that he's happy. I think too many parents are overly obsessed with their children and they don't give themselves any healthy breaks that both allow for the child to develop trust in knowing life is okay without you and also allow you as parents to remember that your life is not only about your children. I'm with you, but it sounds like maybe your husband has his own guilt issues to deal with. You're not alone so don't worry.

It sounds as though you may have a husband problem, if he is making you second-guess your feelings. Or do you feel guilty about not feeling guilty? Whatever the case may be, your feelings are valid and you should not feel badly about them.

I have to say, though, there are some pretty judgmental responses here toward those who choose to remain with their children. I think the phrase "helicopter parents" is overused and distorted. Live and let live!

We're all different. Our daughter was at Grandma's and Grandpa's just this last weekend (Fri-Sun) and my husband and I missed her terribly. An entire weekend is enough for us. If we were going to leave for a week, our daughter would definitely be coming with us. We love family vacations and keep the couple vacations to a max of a weekend. I guess it's what you are comfortable with.

I think it's all a matter of preference and what works for you...

I have two boys and work full time. I already feel like I don't have enough time with my husband and my kids, so I really don't want to leave them for a girls trip or even a trip with just my husband. We've been able to take two pretty wonderful family vacations the last few years...England and Hawaii and they were amazing! My oldest is four and the Hawaii trip this past summer he still talks about.

Remembering back to when I was a kid, you forget the day to day, but I mark years by the family vacations we took. I absolutely remember those and want to be able to give my kids the same thing. PLUS, we really have a great time together...I wouldn't want to lose that. But, like I said, I think it's preference. This is just the way that my husband and I were brought up and the way we prefer to do it with our family.

-M

The only time I ever feel guilty is when my trip is business related. My husband and I haven't left our girls for a week, but have for weekends. It's good for the kids to have that time with their grandparents and for us to have that couple time to reconnect.

Do not feel guilty! I think it's totally normal and you are not alone. I'm glad we have this platform to share our feelings. I work fulll time and I think that because my parents watch my baby, I do not feel guilty at all. They love him and take such good care of him that I do not worry. Maybe if somone else watched him, I'd worry, but for now, I enjoy it. Your husband should count his blessings that you have grandparents who love and are willing to watch your baby - enjoy it!!! I think he's confusing not feeling guilty with love for your baby - that's probably why he questions it. Just reassure him and continue to be the loving mother and wife you are. God Bless!

glad you got lots of support! I might miss my babies, but I certainly don't feel guilty! Especially since they are with their grandparents. Your son is lucky to have so much family and he will learn to be flexible too.

I'm right there with you. I don't feel guilty when leaving our kids with family (my son is 27 months old and daughter is 14 months old). We don't do it every weekend, but once in a while we need a break too. My husband will call several times to check on them when we're away, but I don't; I feel we should just enjoy ourselves and not disrupt the kids, and not make my in-laws or my parents feel like we're second-guessing their abilities. I feel they'll call us if they need something.

Like on of the other mamas that responded, I went back to work as soon as I could too (at 8 weeks for my son, 6 weeks for my daughter) and they went straight to day care. They've been loving school, the socialization, and they're great with our parents now, don't cry when they leave us, etc. I take solace in this when I have to deal with the crazies that get upset at me for leaving my kids in school, not spending every possible minute with them, etc.

I love my babies but mama needs some down time too, and I'm okay with that. So don't feel bad! You're absolutely normal, there's all kinds of us mamas and we're just one type. :)

That's ridiculous. Why should you feel guilty. You know your child is being loved and taken care of! Personally I think parent's now-a-days feel too guilty about every little thing. Feeling guilty about something, implies that you have done something wrong. Taking some time away from being a mom, whether its for work or pleasure, isn't just okay its actually good for you and your child! Just because you become a mom or wife doesn't mean you cease being a woman with other needs besides being at your child's beckoned call. I love my daughter, but if I know she is having a great time with grandma, I don't waste time beating myself up for enjoying my time away. You are more than just a mom and its fine to have a full life complete with childless activities, trips, etc.... every now and then. I'm sure you and your little one are happy to see each other upon your return and that says everything. Those times away actually help you recharge a bit and then be an even better parent when you are together, instead of being burnt out like mom's who are just "on" all the time. This idea that once you are a mom, you need to eat, sleep, and breathe your kids is crazy. I think hubby has some issues for making you second guess yourself. Don't mean to sound harsh, but I wouldn't be shocked to hear he is probably a momma's boy himself who had a poor mother who never got a break! Don't even consider letting him make you feel bad.

Hi PK,

I've often wondered if any other moms felt the way I did! I love my son to pieces, but I have no problem having him in daycare full-time while I work part-time. Maybe it's because I'm an older mom, but I've never really felt bad about it. I think it makes the tougher times easier because we do get that break from each other and like your son, he doesn't seem to mind it at all.

It is great that you don't feel guilty. Your son sounds like he's well adjusted and he knows you are coming back. You can't ask for anything more! I with I could be like you! It's totally opposite in my house. I feel guilty and my husband doesn't. It has to do with the fact that I work full time and my husband is home with our son most of the time. So when we go away without our son, my husband is happy to have free time and I'm feeling guilty because I don't get as much time with our son. Either way, our son is fine and happy at home with his grandparents and he knows where we are and when we're coming back - just like your son.

Our son is 7 now and we left him last weekend with the grandparents. At first he said he wanted to come with us but we explained that we were having an adult weekend. However, I cried when I was leaving and my son said, "I can't believe you're really crying!" So much for feeling guilty.

Don't second guess yourself...

I don't think you need to feel guilty when you leave your son, especially if he has happy and enjoying himself while you are gone. It is healthy for you to spend some time apart and for you to have a chance to get adult time, relax, etc.
You are NOT insensitive and I think you are very lucky to have family support and the ability to continue to travel and do things you enjoy. I think it makes you a better mom when you have something that excites you aside from your children. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your son and that he's a happy kid. Really, that's all that matters.

K.
http://www.discoverytoyslink.com/karenchao
http://oc.citymommy.com

It is amazing how society really wants to tell us how we should act. I love my daughter with all of my heart and I miss her when I am gone, but I love my time with my husband on a short trip to reconnect with him. I feel that the best thing I can do for our daughter is to keep our marriage strong and stable. I am a stay-at-home mom for the record. Guilt is an energy wasting emotion when we are not doing anything wrong. Being away from mom and dad in a safe environment helps build self-esteem and independance which is needed to survive the world.

Give yourself a break and tell your husband to relax.

N.

I wish I were you!