Don't Care for My In-laws

For heaven's sake, they're in their 80's!
How much longer do you think, realistically, that you will have to put up with them? For all you know, this visit with them could be your last.
Yes, keep your mouth shut. Why in the world would you piss your husband off by telling him exactly what you think of his parents? Especially this late in their lives?
Your own actions SHOW that you don't care for them. Who cares if everyone thinks it's just because they're elderly?

Leave it at that. Don't start stuff with your husband.
It's not worth it.

Holy goodness... really? You hate them this much? What have they done to you? They don't even live near you!

Let this go and DO NOT unleash on your husband all the reasons why you don't like them. This won't end well for you. He can get another wife, but he can't get another set of parents.

Plan things to do while they are there. Plan something every day and see if any of your friends' parents play bridge or some other "elderly" activity and arrange for them to participate. Have "group" dinners- invite friends to join you or have the neighbors over.

You are playing a really strange game here and you are going to lose.

Why do you not like them so much? In my experience (I really, strongly disliked my inlaws as well, I had good reason too in the beginning).... I found that I was being too critical and holding onto grudges. I made a list of all the reasons I hated them, and found that many of them were me being overly critical. Once I learned to let that go and to be more casual and less nit-picky, our relationship blossomed and I love them now, (though I do bite my tongue sometimes!!. Maybe your relationship won't be much better if you do these things, but I can assure you the visit will go over better. If you have actual issues, then yes, address them with your husband, calmly and in private and then come up with a game plan together to put those things behind you and figure out a way to be more amiable.

I guess what I don't understand is this:

You ask "should I just keep my mouth shut (this is my own mother's advice to avoid the wrath of my SIL's love for gossip/drama) and let everyone assume what they want or should I totally piss my husband off by telling him exactly what I think of his parents and risk the nasty gossip tales his sisters will bestow upon the family on behalf of myself?"

Why would your SIL's know what you tell your husband in private?

You are married to someone and he really doesn't know what you dislike (the real reason) about his parents. That just seems so odd to me. Don't you talk to your husband about things when they bother you and share things with him?

It totally depends on what they do. If they disrespect you or your husband, talk to your husband about it. If they simply annoy you, let it go. I cannot tell which extreme it is simply from your post.

Good luck!

ETA: I read your update, and you did answer some of my questions. I would be FURIOUS with my husband if he told his parents what I tell him in confidence. You should be able to talk to your husband about this and find a solution that works for you both.

H., I think you have been unfairly judged for this post. I also think that your husband needs to know when to button his lip! It's a shame that you can't share something in confidence to your husband without him telling everyone just because they love a good story. I am also sorry that your husband assumed that you don't like the elderly and decided to share that with others! Yikes!

I hope your family visit goes well and that they start respecting your house rules.

AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED: Lets hope your husband isn't kid number 7 to move into his parent's basement. As another mama pointed out, the people are in their 80's and may not live to be 100. Even if they did, you live far away and only have to see them once a year.

Given the way you feel, I would recommend that your husband go visit them once or twice a year and take the grandchildren along. This way, you have some "me time" and won't be so resentful.

If your marriage is happy otherwise, why would you want to hurt or tick off your husband? How long have you been married? Did these people do something to you? Listen to your Mother.

Blessings....

Momma L has the right idea.

My FIL hated me and he refused to come to the wedding so all our wedding pictures are without him. A couple of them are prominately displayed in our home. He was still cussing me on his death bed. My MIL also hated me. But I always treated her and my FIL with kindness and consideration. My MIL finally started accepting me after 15 years. Now I'm her favorite SIL.

Be nice. Be kind. If you work at it they may come around some day. Or you may simply need to grow up, act like an adult and get over it. I think you are probably being overly critical, as some other people have already said.

Good luck to you and yours.

Sounds like you need to change your attitude, regardless of the issues you have with them. You live in another town...you can't be civil, polite and respectful to house guests that are also your husband's parents for a week? Kind of sad.
It doesn't really matter WHY you have issues with them (and I think you can keep 'the family' out of this entirely) but maybe you have more issues with your husband's close alliance with his family and his tendency to tell his family what you say about them. THERE's the issue. But why would you tell your husband terrible things about his own parents that he obviously already know? to hurt him? Where's the gain in that?

Continue to keep your mouth shut for the sake of your marriage. Try to practice tolerance and forgiveness (for your sake as well as everyone concerned). Be grateful you don't live next door to them. They are older and won't be around forever...

What don't you like about them?

What it boils down to is one single reason. They don't respect you and you don't respect them. You don't get along.

Here's the thing... you can't even look at them without occupying yourself or else what? You'll be rude to them without being provoked? Don't you think that what you know of their family history and pickiness and eccentricities and how it's affecting your behavior and attitude is in turn affecting theirs toward you? This sort of thing isn't usually one sided, and I'll bet that they're not entirely looking forward to your hospitality either.

You have to make up your mind that it's going to be a good visit. Be a good example for your children and don't give the rest of the relatives anything to gossip about. This is your husband's family, his parents, and regardless of how you feel about them he loves them and therefore they do deserve some respect. As long as he's supporting you and isn't allowing his parents to be disrespectful to you in your own home. He needs to step up and say something to stop the disrespect coming from his mother. He has some responsibility in there as well.

keep your head down and your mouth shut trust me letting it all out is not worth the hassle and drama it will cause in your life. They are in their 80's this might be the last time you have deal with them visiting

I am a rather emotionally healthy person, still when it comes to family I don't like I drink a lot when I am around them and keep my mouth shut. In my defense the drink makes me mellow enough to keep my mouth shut. :(

Seriously I understand your pain. I have opened my mouth before and nothing good came of it.

When my now 21 year old was old enough to understand she told them off. She was around 15 at the time. I was laughing on the inside though no one in that room, for a minute, didn't know who she was repeating. :p

Why can't you clear up the misconception IF ASKED and still keep your mouth shut about disliking your in-laws? There's is no good that can come from complaining about your in-laws but plenty of misguided anger that can come when people think you're prejudiced about something.

When your sister-in-law says, "she gets it" or someone asks you why you don't like the elderly, you can defend yourself and simply say you're not sure where that assumption came from and that you don't dislike the elderly.

If they take the questions further to say, "well then, why don't you like Mom and Dad?" again, you can say you've never said that you didn't like them. Admit that perhaps there are some actions you don't agree with (their avoidance of anything new) but you understand that they're just different from you and that's all it is.

Oh, and I forgot to include... if your husband can't handle criticism of his parents and keep it private, you shouldn't talk to him about it. Keep your criticism to action items like, "I wish they would be willing to try new things or I wish they would respect the rules in our house" but avoid personal attacks. How would you handle someone attacking your family?

And try to have some empathy too. Are they refusing to remove their shoes without explanation, after you've asked them specifically to do so? Or are they simply not aware that this is an issue for you? Perhaps they have a hard time putting on their shoes given their advanced age and they don't want the embarrassment of taking them on and off in front of other people? My own mother is not this old but has bunions on her feet and is mortified of people seeing her feet. She of course would never admit this when confronted with the request to take off her shoes... And I personally have plantar fasciatas (sp?) and it pains me terribly to walk without my shoes, but I have no problem explaining this and asking for "permission" to stay in my shoes when in someones home. Just a couple of alternate positions for you to consider.

You don't say what it is that you do not like about them so if it IS something serious I apologize ahead of time for this-but you need to keep in mind that your husbands parents are 50% of your family's inlaws and not the insignificant amount that you are giving them. I wonder how you treat your parents???? How does your DH treat them?? How would you feel if he did the exact same thing to yours as you do to his?? Last question-I don't know if you have boys or not but you need to keep in mind what will most likely happen to YOU if you keep treating his parents like that. Yep-that is how your DIL will treat you b/c that is how karma works. I can't tell you how upsetting it is to me to hear so many DILs on this forum rip apart their inlaws. Of course there are some that are 100% warranted. But there are also many that are petty and unkind. You cannot expect to like everything that your inlaws do or are but out of respect to your DH and to your children you need to deal with them and make every effort to get along. Especially since they are elderly-your DH needs to see them as much as he feels that he should now b/c they are coming to the end.

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I think I understand.... You don't want people to think you're prejudice against the elderly. Also, if people just assume it is some sort prejudice, no one will take any sort of corrective measures regarding whT actually bothers you. I think this is rather cleverly devised by your husband. However, I think you're stuck. They aren't going to change at this stage of the game and your husband has pretty effectively communicated he wants a relationship with his parents despite your issues. Just try to muscle through it with your mouth shut and as much of a smile as you can muster. Sorry.