Donor Egg Vs. International Adoption Vs. Domestic Adoption

Updated on May 29, 2008
K.L. asks from Sherman Oaks, CA
12 answers

I am a 44 year old mother of two. We would very much like to add another baby to our family, but unfortunately I am too old. After much research, I find I am left with three options: Invitro with a donor egg; adopting from Russia; or domestic adoption. It seems that there are thousands of people vying for just a few babies in the US, and thousands of orphans in Russia - but, honestly, there is so much negative press on adopting Russian orphans that we are terrified. I am left with attempting IVF with a doner egg which is hard to wrap my head around knowing there are so many babies without families in Russia. While I have a wonderful family, I don't feel we are equipped to take on a child with special needs. I am so confused. Any insight or advice would be very much appreciated!

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answers from Los Angeles on


If you want any information or have any questions on adoption please feel free to contact me. I'm a social worker for an adoption agency and would be happy to answer any specific questions you may have.

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answers from Los Angeles on

Hi K.,

Quite honestly, I would avoid adopting a child from Russia. My Aunt adopted three children from Russia about 10 years ago and it ruined the lives/health of her biological children. The kids did not speak English, they lied, they stole, they terrorized the younger children, and they did not bond very well with the family period.

My Aunt spent thousands of dollars to bring these children here to have a good life and in return, they have caused much hurt and drama to the family. Two of my cousins have been diagnosed with acute stress, have trouble eating, and have multiple health problems due to stress. These are kids who were healthy & vivacious prior to these new kids coming into their home.

It's really a heartbreaking thing to see happen since my Aunt tried so hard with these kids. The oldest girl ended up pregnant and the boy (who has fetal alcohol syndrome) up & took off once he reached 18.

I would just hate to see you spend so much money on an adoption that would not be a good fit for your family. Don't get me wrong, I do not think all Russian children are bad. My Aunt did take in another girl that her previous adoptive parents couldn't handle. She has an attachment disorder but beyond that, she has been a really wonderful kid. My personal experience has not been a good one and I do agree with a previous poster about other countries having children that are mentally more stable to adopt.

Good luck with your decision! =)



answers from Los Angeles on

Domestic adoption is only long and difficult if you want a white baby. There are many minority babies/children without homes. This is just as sad Russian babies without homes.



answers from Los Angeles on

Adding another mouth to this already overcrowded world via invitro seems a bit much for me. Your ability to procreate is no longer and, in following with the natural order of life, you would not physicaly be able to provide the world with more human beings. Invitro, to me, is like playing God.

Why not provide for and love a child that is already here? Domestic adoption in my book is always best. There are so many beautiful children in the US that need good loving homes. As for babies not being available - how about adopting an older child? It's these children that need a home the most. Everyone wants a baby but think about it: the children that grow older in an orphanage almost never get chosen. These children are set free at 18 to live a life on their own, with no birthday cards nor presents from loving families. They have almost no one to turn to in crisis or for advice. Could you imagine growing up with no family - then continuing to spend your life with no family until you made one yourself?

In the next few years I will be considerinig domestic adoption. I will choose older children of between 2 and 6 years of age and give them an opportunity they may not have otherwise had.

Please cosider domestic adoption of older children.



answers from Los Angeles on

Dear K.,
From what you have written, it appears that you have enthusiasm and great ability to extend your love and enjoy life styles beyond traditional family ways. Your abandonment of the biological option in favor of responding to the reality of needy orphans is very respectable. However, my first reaction to your stated options was sceptical, or "none of the above." I realize that it is difficult to be dead-on accurate and almost impossible to be all-inclusive in these types of letters, but here are some questions that might be worth asking yourself.
1)Wouldn't the adoption of a child of another race be especially beautifu1?
2) Is your "long term" relationship with your "boyfriend"
permanant? If not, can you make it that way or easily survive without his support?Does he live with you? Do BOTH your children think of him as Daddy?
3) Do you have any way of selecting adoption agencies based on their abilities to accuratly anticipate which children may have special needs that are not so visable in
new infants? Will these agencies be accurate in describing the health/pertanent data about the biological parents?
4)Do you and your boyfriend feel proficient at distributing your love equally among the children you have now? (this is actually very difficult)
5)If money isn't an issue, are you prepared to deal with the possibility of the later surfacing, or disasterous circumstances that could make ANY of your children, adopted or not, have special needs?
Well, these items are the hurdles. On the other hand,it sure is beautiful that you have a wonderful family and a desire to expand it!!



answers from Los Angeles on

If you have the money to do a donor egg cycle, you have the money to hire an attorney to match you for a domestic adoption. This will pretty much guarantee you a child in about 1 year. Not everyone can afford to hire an adoption attorney. There are several good ones in the LA area.

A donor egg cycle will not guarantee you a baby. Adoption will.

Just curious. Why Russia? There are other countries with children who need forever homes.



answers from Los Angeles on

We are currently in the process of adopting a 6 year old girl from Haiti.

You are so right that there are many babies without families. My husband and I can have children but felt drawn to open our home to a child in need.

I don't think any of your options will be easy. I am somewhat biased and think that international adoption is the way to go. Broadening your search of possible adoptive counties may give you the comfort you need. While Russia is a huge program with many children available, there are a lot of other countries that can offer more. Most Russian children/babies live in orphanages and therefore do not gain the skills they need to attach well to their new adoptive family. In counties like Korea, babies live with a foster family until they are placed with their new family.

You may have a long wait for a U.S. baby and wait even longer if you only want a white baby.

We absolutely love our adoption agency and think they've done an awesome job matching our daughter with us. She is going to be a wonderful addition to our family when we bring her home this summer. Unlike a lot of other international adoptions, Haiti allows you to visit with your child during the adoption processes.

Good luck with your decision. I hope this advice helps.




answers from Los Angeles on

Hi, I have a medical condition where I don't produce eggs (or premature ovulation failure). I just had my baby 5 weeks ago via donor egg and think it's a WONDERFUL option. I take issue with the poster below saying it's "playing GOD". Absurd.

Adoption is also fantastic if your heart is taking you in that direction-you just have to do what you feel is right for your family.



answers from Los Angeles on

Have you considered adopting a child in the US of another race?



answers from Los Angeles on

I am the mother of an eight year old boy, who I adopted from Russia (Tula) when he was nine months old. He is handsome, funny and smart. He is in second grade, but his reading and math work are a grade level ahead.

I know three other families, who have adopted from different regions in Russia. One has a boy my son's age; one has two girls (not siblings)ages 9 & 6; and one has a girl, who is 4. The children are all loving and healthy. The six year old has some mild sensory issues, but she is very bright.

I know there has been some bad press about Russian adoptions. I think you should research your adoption agency, perhaps talk to families who have used the agency. It was receommned to me that it is best to adopt a child under the age one, so there will be less development issues. And it is important to have a pediatric specialist review the child's birth/medical records you receive, before making a decision. Dr. Jane Aronson, of World Wide Orphans in NYC is excellent.

Mother of Kyle



answers from Los Angeles on

Hi K., We went the domestic adoption route. We went to our first meeting at the Independent Adoption Center in Los Angeles last May, went to the weekend intensive in June, got all our paperwork and inspections done by September and finished our "dear birthmother" letter in October - and they began sending our letters out November 2. We were contacted by 3 birthmothers that month and matched. Our daughter was born in February with both of us present in the delivery room. I highly recommend checking out the IAC - or call them at 800-877-OPEN (6736)
Goodluck with whichever route you choose and Have FUN with it!!!
By the way, the statistics are something like 60% of birthmothers are 24 year old caucasian college girls who partied really hard one night. YOu can be as specific as you want with what race you will accept, and also regarding smoking, drugs & alcohol. The birthmothers choose the adoptive families, therefore the success rate of the matches is very very high.
Again, have fun and good luck!



answers from Los Angeles on

I can only tell you that our son was a domestic adoption and he came home when I was 10 days short of 44! It's tough to accomplish, but it does happen. David Baum in Encino was our adoption lawyer and we were very very happy!

Best of luck to you..N.

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