Dog Allergies and Passive/aggressive Mom

I think outside it is not an issue. I have allergies to dogs but cats is much worse. A person cannot go outside and not come in contact with something that a dog has been around. It's just not possible. I think she doesn't like dogs and was just saying this. He may have a genuine allergy but he would have needed to rub the dog then touch his face for him to get a severe reaction like she was saying. If it were as bad as she said she would have said no way, no how are we going on a hike with dogs.

Well, you didn't know before the hike that her son is allergic to dogs, so you really couldn't have done anything. A lot of people bring dogs on hikes. I don't think I would have left the dogs in the car, though... cars (even with windows cracked open a bit) can get extremely hot, very quickly.

I would leave the dogs at home the next time you get together for a hike, and see if her attitude toward you changes. If it doesn't change, that may just be her personality, and you don't click. There are people like that.

She may have felt uncomfortable saying anything to you about the dogs, but her attitude did show something.

Good luck!

My son is allergic to dogs. Once, when he was 2, we were playing in a park (wide open space) and a dog got away from its leash, ran up to my son (who was about 5 feet away from us) and licked his face before any of us could do anything to stop it. At the time, we didn't know he was allergic to dogs. So we were like "awww, cute, look, the doggie likes you!!", and we met the owners and chatted for a while. In the meantime, my son proceeded to break out in hives, get itchy all over, and start wheezing, at which point we realized "allergic reaction!" and got him home (we lived close by), gave him Benadryl, called the doc and in the end, he was just fine. But he's been afraid of dogs ever since. That NEVER went away.

If I showed up to a hike and saw that there were unleashed dogs about to accompany us, the following could happen:
1) I would give my apologies, explain my situation and offer to leave, at which point, YOU would probably offer to leave the dogs in the car and I would graciously accept that and we would all be friends.
2) I would explain my situation, ask you to keep your dogs on their leash so that they would not come near my son during the hike, which you would probably happily do, and we would all be friends.

What I would NOT do would be tell you "it's FINE", then proceed to make snide comments. I would NOT expect you to be a mind reader and deduce that my kid's allergies are much more serious than I actually led you to believe. I would NOT actually go on the hike if the dogs were running around unleashed around my kids. That's what I would NOT do.

My daughter is allergic to dogs, among a long list of other things, and I consider her allergies to be HER problem and MY problem. I would never ask anyone to C. their plans -- especially in a public place -- to accommodate her allergies.

Since my daughter is allergic to dogs, I generally don't take her to the houses of friends who have dogs. If I do, I make sure to bring Benadryl and Albuterol with me. (She loves dogs, by the way!)

You did nothing wrong. My daughter has been hospitalized a couple times for anaphylactic reactions to allergens, so her allergies are pretty severe. But I honestly think that some parents go way overboard to protect their children from allergens and expect everyone else to accommodate them. For some people, it's a way to get attention. I tend to think that if the allergies are so severe that the kids can't risk a little bit of accidental exposure, they shouldn't be out in public.

Enjoy your hikes. Take your dogs!

NM seems to be an incredibly dog-friendly state (at least here in ABQ it is!). The likelihood of there being other dogs on the trail is high, so you bringing or not bringing your dogs is kind of a moot point. I personally think the woman just doesn't like dogs in general. If her son bleeds internally because of dogs, he is not "fine" with his allergies--he would be highly and dangerously allergic. She sounds like a wackadoo to me. Since you participated in this group hike all last summer, if you brought the dogs all last year, keep doing it. She is the new one to your group, and she needs to deal with the group dynamic or find another group to hike with.

If you hike with her again I'd just leave the dogs at home and hike with the dogs another time. This time it wasn't your fault because you didn't know... I wouldn't leave the dogs in the car, that's mean and it gets so hot in cars even with the windows down. If you take the dogs again when you know she will be there, that's like saying your kid's allergies don't matter to me (in my opinion) and then I could understand her being pissed off. This time she had no right to be aggressive to you.

What did she mean he bleeds on his stomach? Like the allergies cause his stomach to bleed. What was she saying as she was being sarcastic and hostile? I can't really advise in that aspect because I know I am a very sarcastic person and can seem aggressive when I'm just kidding or just being friendly. I try to rope it in when I'm around new people so that they don't think I'm just mean because I don't say hurtful things, I'm just sarcastic... but if it was inappropriate and sarcastic then she was probably mad and hiding it.

C.,
Did you take your dogs with you last year? If so, the friend who invited you (and presumably the new woman) would have had the expectation that you hike *with* your dogs. If the other woman is afraid of dogs, she could have gone home! Perpetuating that fear to her children does them a disservice. Many people use a vague "allergic to dogs" excuse as a way to control others when in reality there is no allergy, just fear. If this park allows dogs, then surely there are/have been others besides yours. It is the new woman's choice if she wants to hike again. Get your dogs out for exercise, and do not be surprised if this family does *not* become your brand-new best friend.
Best wishes,
K.

I'm going to be honest, I understand if she was a little put out. My son is afraid of dogs, and to have someone show up with their dogs when none of us are expecting them would probably have ruined the experience for me. Perhaps she could have been a little more direct about her discomfort instead of becoming passive-aggressive, but I can also understand not asking someone to put their dogs away if they didn't offer to in the beginning. Maybe she didn't realize how close they were going to get to her son or maybe she was being overly optimistic in the beginning. I totally do that, because the alternative is to either cancel or shorten the playdate. Which we frequently end up doing once the reality of the situation becomes clearer. And honestly, it sucks.

Anyway, I'm not saying she was right, especially if her son's reaction is that severe - she really needs to learn how to be a more effective advocate for him. But I do think that you should plan to leave your dogs behind on future hikes. And next time ask if it's ok to bring them if you're going on a hike for the first time with someone you don't know. Not everyone loves dogs.

Her weirdness was probably form hr anxiety about the dogs and fear of what kind of reaction her son might have due to his allergies. Based on the information she gave you at the beginning of the hike I wouldn't have left the dogs in the car. You asked her if they were ok around the dogs and she said "fine as long as they don't touch them..." Unless your dogs are super friendly licky, jumpy dogs and there's a strong likelihood that they would be a hazard to her son, I don't see where you did anything wrong. YOu can only do the best you can with the information you have. Surely this isn't the first time she and her kids have had exposure to dogs and she's had to speak up about it.

I would, however, talk to her further about it before bringing the dogs on another hike. I'd say, "I'm sorry that I didn't know that your son was allergic to dogs. You seemed very uncomfortable around the dogs on the last hike. Would it be better if I didn't bring them?"

Good luck!

You didn't know, and if she were REALLY THAT concerned, she could have easily declined to go and taken her kids home. I have to be honest and say that I don't have allergies, nor does anyone in my immediate family. But, honestly... You gave her the option to speak up without offending you (you ASKED her point blank if it was a problem) and she said nothing. And she chose to go ahead on the hike.
Sure, she was probably worried about her boy(s), but that is all on her, not you! You did nothing wrong.

And the analogy of bringing peanuts along as a snack and the kid(s) being allergic to peanuts is a false analogy. A pack of peanuts is not a living breathing creature.

You could probably make a reasonable argument that SHE should have declined to go so that you could enjoy the hike without feeling awkward about having your dogs along. It was a public trail. What if some other hikers were there (not part of your group) just a little ways in front or back of you that had their dogs with them? Should THEY feel obligated to take their dogs back to their cars? Unless the trail is posted "no dogs" then she should expect to encounter them and not be a woman possessed about it.

This is a woman who knowingly chose to put her allergic child in close proximity to his known allergen. Granted, she didn't know you would have the dogs there, but she certainly knew that OTHER people might... I'm not saying she shouldn't have come along from the start. But once there, and realizing the situation, she could just as easily packed up and left as you. I'm not familiar with NM's topography in the mountains, but I'm thinking I'd be worried that a THREE YEAR OLD would slip or fall and get hurt on a hike in the mountains. I'd say the dogs were probably more in their element than the 3 year old. An older child can keep up and is better coordinated, a younger child can be carried in a pack, but a 3 year old... that just sounds like an accident waiting to happen to me.

Oh, I wanted to add: It sounds more like she just doesn't LIKE dogs. Perhaps she has so fixated on her son's allergies to them that she overreacts and has now transferred that to her kids who also may now be fearful of them. Not all kids like dogs. Some are quite fearful, some are just uncomfortable, and some LOVE them. But as parents, we sometimes sway which way that all plays out by how WE behave around them (even unintentionally). And it sounds like she just doesn't like dogs and would prefer not be around them. Maybe even from her own childhood, having nothing to do with her son's allergies. She might be used to using his allergies as an excuse these days though...

Cool or not, I would never leave a dog in a car. I also wouldn't leave them tied to a tree while I took a hike.

That being said, bring your dogs. Exercise is good for them, although I think they should be leashed at all times and not allowed to "run ahead." Dogs unleashed make me nervous and I don't have pet allergies.

Personally, I wouldn't walk with this lady anymore. She seems unfriendly. Her kids' dog allergies are NOT your responsibility. If she's so concerned, she should go to a park where dogs are not allowed or have a separate area. Sheesh. Why is this your problem?

Find some dog-friendly moms - that way you don't have to worry about it and you can have fun.

My son is allergic to almost every animal, although he has only has 2 severe reations to Cats. His test showed he is allergic to dogs although he is around my parents dogs a lot. The allergist just suggested that he not touch dogs to make sure because they can be allergic to different breeds of dogs. If her son had that severe of an allergy I would think that she would have told you and asked you to leave the dogs or she would have taken a rain check on the hike.
We are a part of our local moms club and we have to call every mom and ask if they have cats before we go to any functions as my son will stop breathing. It is a pain in the butt but we do what we have to do to keep our kids safe.
My son is also deathly allergic to peanuts which can he difficult. If we are with friends on a picnic I have to ask parents to wash their childrens hands and face after eating a PB SW or my son will have an allergic reaction that will send him to the hospital. Is it really uncomfortable to ask that of other parents but like I said we do what we have to do to keep our children safe.
It sounds like they just don't like doigs or she really down played his allergy which is not your problem. She should have spoken up if he was really that allergic.

If her kids allergy was actually life threatening she woud have decided they could not tolerate the dogs. My guess is that there might be a slight allergy couple with fear for all of them. I'd continue to take my dogs on the hikes, it's good for them unless she personally asked me not to. She's beating around the bush at it in a way. If she's serious about it she may not show up at the next hike, then the rest of you can discuss whether bringing the dogs is as detrimental as it may seem. I just think you need more info from the mom is all. People can be more allergic to certain breeds than others.... and if her kid didnt have a reaction this time, maybe all will be fine for the next hike.

Sounds like she is either someone who makes people uncomfortable no matter the situation or she is passive aggressive and isn't honest about what she and her kids need. I think you did just fine. We cannot read someone else's mind. You asked and she said it was OK.

It took me years to learn that I'm not responsible for someone elses' happiness. I expect them to be direct with me just as I will be direct with them.

If she's on another hike I'd once more ask about the dogs and also mention that they seemed uncomfortable around them and you want to be sure it's OK to take the dogs. I would probably ask by phone before the hike. Then I'd take her at her word. If she doesn't like the dogs along and doesn't tell you it is her problem and not yours.

Whether or not I left the dogs home without trying to clarify the situation would depend on whether or not I wanted to spend time with her. What I'm saying is I wouldn't just automatically leave the dogs home.

My granddaughter is allergic to dogs. She has asthma difficulties when she is close to them indoors. But outdoors she's just fine even when we're walking together with our dog.

Also, I've never heard of allergies causing a stomach to bleed. Some diseases do and I suppose if one were chronically exposed to food allergies that might happen but I've not heard of it. Environmental allergies such as pollen and dust and dog dander affect the lungs. All allergies can cause hives.

I'm having a hard time imaging an allergy to dogs acting up outside on a hike? I mean, dog trainers and dog walkers could be steps ahead of you with many more dogs than your two.

Were your dogs jumping on her kids? And what does 'bleeds on his stomach' mean? I'm not familiar with that allergic reaction or description. Perhaps they get hives that lead to bleeding?

Maybe you could take turns with your dogs and take just one each time and keep it on a leash away from her kids. Or you can find a dog friendly hiking group? Or you can carry allergy meds with you.

My son is super allergic to cats and one of his friend's moms keeps allergy meds at their home just for my son to take while there. Because I can't remember which friends have cats and which ones don't and she offered and I thought that was very polite to offer.

Also, sarcasm is hard to connect with....so you're not alone on that one.

One reason I never join groups...

I don't even know. Some people are a little over the top. You guys were outside.

It's odd that you brought this up today. I've been feeling bad all day. I was walking my daycare kids and my dog up to the baseball diamond today. This older man, maybe in his 60's or so was sitting on a bench on the walking path. He was staring at me but not particularly expressive and I had my dog on the leash on the walking path. I kept my dog as close to me as possible but he was straining at the leash to sniff the guy. My dog is not unfriendly or mean and he's small and very unimposing. He's also freshly groomed if germs was the guys problem. But the guy literally freaked out and yelled at me to get him away from him. We have a LOT of dogs in this neighborhood and I was in a public park, on the walking path, with the dog on a leash! He didn't touch the guy or get close enough to be threatening. I felt that if the guy had some sort of super fear of dogs that he should have gotten up and walked away when he saw us coming. Or maybe he could have said he didn't like dogs when I was 10 feet away or so. I would have gladly left the trail. How was I to know that he would be so afraid?

Next time I'd leave the dogs home but what could you have don differently this time? Presumably you didn't know about the allergy this time. Leaving the dogs in the car doesn't seem safe for the dogs. Maybe the friends that set up the hike has a better sense of the other mom or can ask about the allergies as a neutral party.

The problem is that she said it was FINE.

When someone is casual about an allergy, I take it to mean that we're not talking anaphylaxis or severe allergy. MOST people who have allergies have mild forms. Stuffiness... not respiratory arrest. Itchiness... not blisters and bleeding.

Severe allegry I'd have NO problem leaving the dog in the car (again, like you said, under safe conditions... otw call a 'rain check') or just cancelling altogether (an ex boyfriend of mine was so allergic to cats that just being near people who'd been around cats, much less lived with them, would send him to the ER). But if someone says "No, it's fine." I'm going to take them at their word... I'm going to assume they know the ins and outs and whats safe or not for their own allergy.

She said it was fine, apparently it wasn't. How on earth are YOU supposed to know that?

Well you didn't know her son was allergic before you brought the dogs. you aren't a mind reader. I probably wouldn't bring the dogs next time if she is planning on going.

Maybe the next time you go on a hike you could still bring your dogs, but have them on a leash. That way you have a little more control over where your dogs are going.
Since I don't know what sarcastic things the women was saying I can't really judge on whether she liked you or not. It may just be her personality.
I am allergic to cats and can't tell you how much it annoys me to see cats in stores with their owners, but it never makes my allergies act up. This woman's child should be fine with your dogs, especially since you are outdoors.
If she is still bitchy then I would just hike ahead or behind her.
L.

yes, I think the dogs should have stayed in the car! EDIT: whoops, just noticed you live in NM.....not an option, too hot at times! Sorry!

The other mom could not relax, was actually on edge because she feared a reaction for her child. She was uncomfortable & that triggered her behavior. I know that I tend to react the same way with my own allergies, especially when around heavy perfume/air fresheners/etc. I know that I'll be popping out my inhaler!

On the other hand, she could have canceled on the spot & taken her child home.....making it easier for all of you. But I do think that you still would feel angst over that choice, too.

Next time, I suggest thinking about the big picture & how your actions could possible affect others. You basically changed the rules of interaction, without consulting her! What if the child had been allergic to peanut & you had PB or peanuts for a snack? I think you would have handled it differently! But since it was your pets/a part of your family, it felt different for you..... I totally get that! I also have 2 dogs, & they are a part of our daily lives.

Years ago, I worked for a daycare. The director brought in rabbits & I was horrified.....she did not stop to consider allergies for any of the kids! When I asked her about allergy precautions, her response was, "oh, well. They're here already....what do you expect me to do?" ....Hello! take them outside!

I would consider calling & apologizing for keeping the dogs with you! Peace....