Does It Effect Your Kids If Your Not Married?

You are in a hard situation. You should have married him before the kids . Now it is that much harder..

I think everything we do and are impacts our children in some way . . . but ultimately, I think it's up to us to influence whether it will have a positive, a negative, or a neutral effect.

I don't know if this will help you, but I have a good friend who actually wasn't a big supporter of the idea of marriage. She and her boyfriend were together for about fifteen years and had three children together. Her philosophy was that they chose to be together each day - and that was more important than taking vows. It worked for them, but they did end up getting married a few years ago because the children asked them to. It was important to the kids - I guess for the security.

What is your other half's hang up? Is he worried that you'll "take" all of "his" stuff if you split? Is he worried about a big nasty divorce? If these are the issues, I'd go to my mother's house with the children and would leave him the following note:

The last eight years of waiting for you to do the honor of making me your wife has really been taking a big toll on me. I love you dearly and want to grow old with you, but I don't feel valued and respected living as a shack up honey. If, God-forbid, you died tomorrow I would not be able to apply for survivor benefits as your widow. As a shack-up honey, I have no rights. No respect. No privileges. If you were seriously injured, I wouldn't even be allowed to visit you in the hospital or make any medical decisions for you because that would be something a wife does - not a shack-up honey. I believe that the mother of your children is entitled to the status of a wife. I understand you have real concerns and fears about marriage, but our relationship has already lasted longer than most marriages. In my heart, I believe we could succeed as husband and wife. If you are worried about a future divorce, we can pay an attorney to draft a prenuptial agreement that will lay out who would get what in the event of a divorce because I'm not interested in "taking you for everything you've got." But, even though I love you with all my heart I cannot go on like this. I love you too much to give you an ultimatim. If you marry me, I want you to marry me because you love me, respect me, and want to build a life with me. Not because you want to keep me from walking out the door. But this is not the life I envisioned for myself, and it's not the life I envisioned for our children. You've made me a mother - and I am forever grateful. But it's not enough. I will make as good a wife as I do a mother, and if you don't believe I am good enough to be your wife please respect me enough to let me know so we can part on good terms for the sake of the children.

Then, I would move out with the children

I have different opinions based on the circumstances. I think personally if my husband hadn't married me within two years of our first child being born, then I would have had a hard time staying with him. But I also think that the best thing for children is a happy, stable, loving family relationship, which you are completely capable of achieving without being married.

I was raised by my grandparents, so I think I valued marriage more than some people in our generation might. They've stayed together despite many problems, truly in sickness, health, for better, and for worse! That makes me want to be married and stay married more than ever, from what they have shown me. My worry would be whether or not, like you said, that my kids would devalue marriage since their parents weren't married.

Why doesn't your boyfriend want to get married? I'm worried there could be issues there. Have you two tried counseling? Maybe he's just scared of marriage, what was his family situation like? If his parents had a bad divorce, he might be worried about repeating the pattern. I know it seems like by now he should have figured out you're in it to stay, but men think differently than we do (read: not as clear..lol) I had a boyfriend who was afraid of getting married because his ex-wife had cheated on him, ultimately he couldn't commit to anyone because he was scared it would happen again. And there was nothing I could do to show him otherwise.

A friend of mine recently left her boyfriend of 7 years (no kids) because he hadn't proposed yet. He changed his mind after that, in fact, he had bought a ring a year before, but she left for good. Maybe you could take a tropical vacation with the girls, he might be worried enough after that to give in!

There is hope, my husband told his mother he would never, ever get married, even right before he met me. Something changed somehow! You know what's best in your heart for your family, all of us mamas are here to talk if you need to!

(sorry so long, had a lot to say!)

Oregon does not accept common law marriages when it comes to legal issues. Not being married will affect you and your children if their father is hospitalized and dies. Consult a lawyer to see how you can protect the family in that instance.

If he's hospitalized in intensive care it depends on the hospital whether or not you and the children can visit. If he's unable to make medical decisions you won't be able to either. You and your children won't be able to get social security if he should die. In short you will have no legal standing if he becomes incapacitate unless he files certain legal documents.

That's the practical side. I agree that if you now have a stable and satisfactory relationship except for the issue of marriage you should stay in the relationship. Your children need that security. However, if you aren't getting along, the stress of your fights and resulting ill humor may mean that they would be better off if you left.

I don't think that a marriage certificate should have any significance other than for the legal issues. You've been together long enough that you are committed to each other. And you have stayed together much longer than a lot of married couples.

For most people there is no longer a stigma attached to not being married. Our world is so much different now than it was for me 50 years ago. We now have the opportunity to change our own way of looking at issues such as marriage and single parenthood. You can still teach your children the same values that go along with marriage because you are in a committed relationsip. Marriage is a legal relationship that frequently does not mean tht the couple are committed to each other and the family they've formed. Committment and the responsibility that goes along with it is the important issue.

What do you mean when you say you are not getting what you want. Are you missing more than the marriage certificate? If so, I recommend that the two of you work thru those issues before you make a decision about leaving. Counseling could help with that.

Point blank.. Why be unhappy for the rest of your kids life?? Your obviously not happy if you have thoughts of leaving him. So why not find happyness so the kids can experience it and watch you be happy for once.
Believe me when i say when the mom is unhappy it starts behavior problems in children. He obviously isnt much into you and the kids if he cant put it on paper. My question would be. Why must you feel single when infact your not + you have kids. That kinda raises a red flag!!
Also when some says "todays society" or marriage is just a piece of paper these days is just ridiculous. You are not todays society.
You are you and YOU must believe in what you believe in and not what others think you must do by "todays society"

What is it about marriage that you value? Its great that you're committed to your partner (sticking thru 8 years, the good & bad), but you seem to feel its more than what you have now. When you say you love each other, try to define what 'love' really is. I'm crazy about my husband (was before we were married). Now we are & now I've learned love also includes huge amounts of trust (no holding back) & humble selflessness. Dr. Phil said something like marriage is not 50%-50%, its !00%-100%. The beauty of selflessness is that if you really love the person & they love you back 100%, then you won't lack in the rewards. I'm no expert, but the One who made us is. Love is defined in the Bible: "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." I don't believe anyone can perfectly live up to this (I know I don't), without the help of Jesus, 'cause he really loves us like this! Go for this kind of love, friend with Jesus by your side. Don't worry about being a perfect role model, just give a hopeful, honest effort. Tell your kids this is what life is about & strong marriages will follow.
p.s. Everyone desperately needs this kind of love & if your man is stuck & not able to attempt to chase after loving you like this, then I don't believe you should feel obligated to stay, since you're not married. Be encouraged!

Hi E.,

I can say that it really does not matter what anyone else believes in this issue. It is your choice. :) It is clear to me from your post that you want marriage. I do agree with NOT giving ultimatums, because that usually comes from fear and you want to come from a place of love. Have you told him that because you love him and the kids so much you feel somewhat incomplete without that? It seems that is why you are on the fence right? It is really hard when we are afraid. I suggest loving instead of demanding or insisting because that just does not work. Believe me, i have tried it.

Have you discussed with your guy about marriage and it's importance to you? I think that is the best approach. :) I can also tell you that to get married it does not cost a lot of money. We had 6 people at our original wedding and later had a bigger one. But, a lot of men are scared to get married. My husband was this way for a long time. Marriage is very rewarding as well as challenging.

As for your children, if YOU see a problem they ultimately will. In many ways, they are just small versions of the parents that raise them. It sounds like you have a beautiful heart with a lot of love to give. Please don't sell yourself short, you deserve the things you want and need and so do your kids.

My personal opinion is this, God created marriage to show unity with man and woman as well as with HIM. To me, you wondering if it is wrong is probably God tugging on your heart to show you the truth. We all make choices good and bad but it will work out just trust in that. Remember your instinct is what leads because God gave us that as a gift to guide. We know when something is amiss in our lives, and that is when it needs to be addressed. Good for you that you are aware of this and that you love your children and yourself enough to work through it!

Blessings,

K.S.

Hi E., I'm a 61 year old social worker and this is the advice I'd like to share with you. If you and your man are in love, if you both value family, if you and he respect each other and your children then who cares if you're married--not today's society. The shape of the family is changing and a piece of paper doesn't really mean anything now. Depending on the state you live in you are probably common law which gives you all of the rights a marriage ceremony does. Just answer these questions, is your family provided for, do your man care for the children, does he treat you kindly?? If so you have SO much more then so many other women in this world, be content, you're OK!!

Speaking from expereirence, no it does not. At least it didn't effect me in a negative way at all. My growing up sounds a whole lot like your situation, we didn't have a lot and we were thankful for what we had. I enjoyed the sunday walks to church with my grandmother, and if we missed the bus to school, we walked the three and a half miles to attend. My parents did not get married until I was 5 and my brother was 8. I clearly remember the day that they got married because I had to wear a dress, and the after wedding reception was at the local bar where we were able to go on that day.

Marriage is not the cure all for feelings of self worth or the feeling of being centered within yourself, these are things that you must find for your own self. If you love the man that you are with, and he is a good provider to you and your children, and he is a good partner and a good father, why should you change it. If there are other issues and he is not a good provider or good father, those would be reasons to leave, not because your not getting your way. If this is bothering you because you have religious believes that you feel are being stomped on then you should stand up for what you believe, but be prepared that you could lose everything you have now.

The biggest part of this equation is the children that are involved. I hate to say put yourself second to last, but really your children should be your biggest motivator and your biggest anchor. By this I mean put your children first, then you second, and then your partner. You are already on the right path, stay the course and you will find yourself. Good luck with your decisions. :) P.

It is hard for me to understand why you would have 3 children in the first place without being married. The first I could see, perhaps unplanned, and unplanned pregnancies should not necessarily lead to marriage. But to have two more indicates that you made a conscious decision to have more children. To me, having children is an even bigger commitment than marriage since you can divorce your spouse but you can't divorce your children. You have put yourself in an awkward position. I'm not really one for ultimatums.....in my experience when one has to give an ultimatum, the other person is not as committed and may end up giving in to save the peace but then feel resentful. You put yourself in this position whenever you do something that perhaps you are not comfortable with in the first place, or when you and your partner are not on the same page.

You do need to find out what his issues are....I have known many couples who have lived together long term without getting married, and ultimately they have broken up. Then again many couples who get married break up, so maybe your odds are about the same either way.

I agree with some of the others who said that it is better for legal reasons to be married, IF you don't have other huge issues that are causing you to have doubts. If he is a good father and partner then you should make it legal if he will agree to it without resentment. Marriage is not just a piece of paper. It shows a commitment to not walk out easily when the going gets tough because legally it is more complicated to do so. Maybe you could ask him to go to a counselor with you, but if he refuses, go by yourself.

I do believe, however, that you must take responsibility for the situation you have found yourself in. I don't care how "modern" our society is; at some point it will bug your kids that you're not married.

I wish you the best!

The best thing to show your children is that you don't need a piece of paper to prove how much you love eachother.

My man & I have been together for over 18 years. We have two daughters, 18 & 16. In our eyes, we are married - we are committed for life. Our daughters may or may not get married when they meet someone special - but that is up to them.

I believe marriage (the wedding) has become too materialistic - it's a become a show. How you feel about eachother & how you show it every day is more important.

I used to want the whole ceremony - because we were told by society that it is the right thing to do. Read up about the history of wedding rituals - see how you feel about it then.

If you are worried about financial matters - just make sure you are both named as owners on the house (or other important assets) & named as eachothers benificiaries - just in case something happens to either of you.

i dont believe it will affect ur kids much but it may is social terms like kids will ask if their together so long then y arent they married? i no what ur going thru in a way. my bf doesnt really have a hang up but he hasnt proposed! and im getting anxious and i dont want to be his gf for the rest of my life but im scared that i will end being that. it's really hard bc i feel like he doesnt want to marry me. im not syaing ur man doesnt want to marry you but maybe you should sit down and talk about marriage. if you two have been dating 8 yrs i have no doubt that you will make it another 8 plus.

You've been with him for 8 years unmarried, and you want your kids to believe in marriage? You absolutely cannot preach to them if you're not walking the walk yourself. They will only see you as a hypocrit. If he has a "hang-up" about marriage, he's got issues that need to be dealt with but you won't be able to help him with that. It sounds to me that you already have your answer. Give him the final opportunity to marry you and if he chooses not to, move on. If I was your child, I'd respect you more for doing that, rather than watch you stay with a man who doesn't love you enough to marry you and make that commitment. What message does that send to your kids?

I am not sure if being married or not effects kids, what I think is important is that you model a healthy relationship, one that is strong, kind and has equal give and take. And that both parents show love and kindness to all the children in the family even durning difficult times.

That being said - there are legal reasons you should be married. If he or you were to die or become injured you have more rights as a widowed spouse, you can claim his social security and make other arrangements that you cant make as an unmarried couple. Also - there are tax breaks and other things that married couples have. If one or both of you were to die - what would happen to the kids? etc...

If you BOTH are commited to the relationship for the LONG HAUL then why not be married.

Didnt mean to get all dark and talk about death - but really something to think about.

It did not affect me to not be married to my daughter's father until my five year old asked me in front of her kindergarten teacher, "Mama, are you really going to for real some day marry my daddy?" (I could have died!) I didn't realize that it would become so important to her. So, we did. It was a good move and it is a good marriage.

If you are thinking of moving on without him, it sounds like there isn't a lot in it for you and a ring and a piece of paper would make it so much harder to get away later if that is the way it is going for you. Three kids together; you are already tied to this man for life. So, what do you want the most? A marriage to him or the freedon to find someone else?

On an end note... right now it won't mean too much to you but later this could mean a lot... property/assets,insurance and Social Security have to factor heavily for you because of your three kids. If you stayed home to raise the kiddos and Mr. Man was the sole source of support and he met a tragic ending, you are screwed. Three kids, no income, no right to survivor benefits, all of his assets frozen or in probate for perhaps years... Maybe you should speak with a lawyer and get some sound, legal advice.

To an extent yes, it does effect your kids when your not married. Other kids can be cruel about it and call names. If he has such a hang up about marriage after 8 years & 3 kids; it's time to leave if your not getting what you need. Yes, you are subconciously telling your kids it's o.k. not to get married if you never do. Have a good plan for departure because those people who we love can turn into real monsters when we leave them.

E.~ My husband and I have been together for 12 years. We only got married 4 years ago this June. We have 4 children together. Two of which were born before we got married. We finally decided to tie the knot just because, like you, I thought it was the right thing to do. After the wedding and still to this day, things are the same. Accept I have their last name now. I didn't notice a change in the way the kids dealt with it. The were 4 and 2 when we got married. my opinion is that if you love him enough and you and the kids are happy, a piece of paper is not going to change that. The kids know us as Mommy and Daddy, not unmarried mommy and daddy and then after the wedding Married mommy and daddy. My oldest is now going to be 10 in June. Follow your heart, it will tell you what to do. I wish you and your family the best. A.

E., You hit the nail-on-head in the last line of your request. The one thing that my husband and I do to communicate is write letters to each other. If you cannot sit down in a calm manner and listen to each other it is a very good method. Always start the letter with something positive about the person you are writing about, and ease into a loving letter about what is bothering you. Ask if he'll write you back or meet for coffee somewhere where you can talk without the kids around. Be sure to ask him what he is afraid about.

Good luck, Sharon

E.,

This must be so hard. I would feel the same as you because marriage is important to me and I completely believe in it being the best for your children. I would really struggle if my partner did not want to take that step. It would be even more difficult if he wouldn't take that step despite my strong feelings about it.

Besides the marriage aspect, are there other reasons you would not want to stay together? If there are no other major dilemmas in your relationship I would keep trying because it is also so important to have both mom and dad there for the kids. I hope you can find a way to communicate your reasons for getting married to him and that he decides those reasons are important as well.

I wish you the best.

C.

Hi E.,
I am also a mom of three and have been with my man for 13 years and we are not married either. My other half has hang ups about marriage too, but he is a very committed man.
My best Friend left a great relationship because of the same reasons and found herself married and not happy at all. So sometimes it's not always a better thing. I would'nt want my girls growing up thinking they HAD to be married either.
Now I had the same feelings about how it would effect my children. I just explain how much we care for eachother and for them, or that just because other people are married does not mean that they love eachother or their familys more.
My oldest daughter is 8 and she talks about getting married one day, so I don't think it is really effecting her in any negative way.
So if you and your other half are in a committed relationship and happy (and of course we all have are ups and downs, married or not)then I don't believe that marriage is everything. Some people get married for all the wrong reasons too...
Anyways hope this helps :)

A.

Definitely check out the laws where you live. I would say that you should get married just for practical reasons. Like another person said, you won't be entitled to anything should he become ill or die. You can't make decisions for him, etc.
Personally, I was raised in a home without parents being married. I am an only child born in 1975 so it was not nearly as common back then as it is now. Growing up it really wasn't anything that was discussed or that was an issue, it just was. We weren't religious so that didn't come in to play at all. My parents were together for 27 years before they finally made it legal and the only reason they did so was for the reasons I stated above. They live in a state where common law is not recognized so they had to make things legal for health & financial reasons.
Follow your heart. If the marriage thing is the only reason you're thinking of leaving then I'd probably give it more thought. If there are other issues then perhaps those should be addressed.

There's an old saying about why buy the cow when the milk is free, (so maybe he feels no incentive) although he is at least living with you and the kids as a family. I wouldn't break up the family; that doesn't do anyone any good. The kids need a father, assuming he's not abusive. A better approach might be to find out what his concerns are. If he won't tell you, I would highly recommend the book the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger. You might see things in the book that are issues in your relationship, and learn ways to improve the relationship so he is more inclined to take the plunge. Seeing you read the book might peak his interest. Dr Laura also has a book called the Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. Both books outline destructive and negative behaviors that we sometimes fall into without realizing it (the books have enormously helped my marriage!) Also, I wouldn't bother with having an elaborate ceremony or anything. Just going to the justice of the peace is all that is needed, and could be done next weekend. Best of luck to you!

I feel like it does matter. Marriage is a commitment, a contract. You would never be able to buy a house if you didnt sign a paper promising to do certain things. Making that commitment on paper is ALOT different then a word of mouth promise. It makes it more serious. I feel like more and more people are making the choice to not marry saying "its just a piece of paper" but its not! Its a contract! It says "I will be here for you and you will be here for me for the rest of our lives". If everyone around you were going into bankruptsy or forclosure and breaking the promise they made when purchaseing their home would it make you less likely to buy yours? So, why do you think your promise is no good just because alot of others are backing out of theirs?
Marriage is alot more then a home purchase, it takes alot more work, it has more rewards, but it is important that you are making that commitment not just saying you want to. It is harder after living together though. Part of what often makes live-in relationships work is the knowledge that you are staying but you could walk away so just getting the paper, making that commitment changes the dynamics of the relationship and often causes problems. If I were you, I would give him an ultimatim. Sit down with him and tell him how much you love him, how great a father he is etc but how you need to set an example for your children and this is not the one. SO, either we get married by (date) or you are moving out. And then stick with it. It may be that you have to move out to show him you are serious before he commits. Good luck, I am hoping for the best for your little family.

Hi again! No it has no effect unless it is impressed on them. Your real question is should you press him or leave him if I read this right. I speak from experience when I say that it is worse to have your children in a bad marriage enviornment then to live together, or to raise them yourself. Look inside your heart, can you live under his terms? There is only one wrong choice for you, and that would be to marry a man that doesn't want to get married. Resentment is never very far away, and it can really have a negitive impact on your kids, and you. Emotional abuse is the worst kind of abuse. Remind yourself that you have worth, and you deserve to feel complete, you have to consider your children, but you have to base your decisions on your own happiness. R.

The question isn't whether or not it bothers your kids...but the fact that it bothers you and what should you do about it? If not being married makes you feel less secure, your kids will pick up on that and they will feel insecure. If you say in front of your kids that not being married is the problem, then you set them up to believe that marriage is a fix to insecurity in a relationship and perhaps prepare them to use it in such a way.

Marriage is a covenant or promise that you make to another person to be together forever. Unfortunately our society has made it slightly greater than an exclusive dating scenario but just as disposable...although more expensive. Having kids tends to be far more binding in that if you do separate, you still have the bond of your kids...but that is just h*** o* everyone. Having kids before marriage is a little like putting the cart before the horse so to speak. The horse is attached to the cart and can't move...which also means it is not functioning as it should...leading the cart.

You may want to explore your relationship with the help of a counselor to determine what the two of you want to model for you kids. Wishing you the best.

Do you want to stay with a man who doesn't want to make a long-term commitment to you? Is there "other" problems either he has or you have with one another? Some part of you is hurt inside and wishes to move on because youu sense he isn't in love with you enough to feel secure in forever. This honestly requires more thinking on, and, a open-hearted discussion between the two of you. Then make your whole-hearted decision, one that you can live with without some much pain or regret. Your children will have you both no matter where you live. You and your man love your kids, right? A piece of paper will not change that love for them, but this does affect your lives, you and him, and it will reflect on the kids if it is an unhappy "marriage" you live in every day underneath it all.
Examine, and re-examine.

I say this because of experience, and, because I am saddened and tired of seeing both parents and the children ultimately suffer when there is unhappiness in an incomplete relationship. If you believe you, your man, and your kids will all live happily in your current circumstances, then wait it out or accept your life as is. If not, you only have one life and perhaps everyone should have a say in what "forever" from here will be like.

I am going to be honest with you...It doesnt matter if you are married. One of the reasons my hub and i got married as soon into our relationship as we did ( we had been dating for two years) was because my parents are very old fashion and would not allow me to move in with him unmarried. Now almost three kids later sometimes we catch ourselfs saying that we wished we had lived together first to work out bad living habits. Not saying we wouldnt have gotten married but just so we knew more of what to expect homewise with the cleaning and cooking and everyday stuff becasue all though i am a stay at home mom i am not much of a house wife. I know that alot of people say that you should be married but really it is just a fifty five dollar piece of paper that makes it "legal" really it is only worth it if you like pictures and memories. I honestly did ours as cheap as i could. it was in my parents back yard i made in the invites and the food was about the most costly!! Dont feel guilty and only get out if you feel you really want more. All you need to be a family is love...and patience and as for letting your kids know do they really need to nkow as far as they should be concerned is you and your man are good loving parents to them...married or not!!

While certainly I believe in marriage - if you have to choose between being "officially married" and keeping your family together - I think nothing is more important than the family. If your partner is a good man and you love him, anything else can be worked out and the children would benefit most from growing up in a family with thier mother and father. Seperation may sometimes seem the easier way, but I have watched people I love go through divorce and remarriages and trying to blend families together and there is soooo much extra stress and pain and unexpected difficulties that make it so h*** o* everyone- it has only re-inforced my belief that relationships with someone you love and have children with are well worth the hard work required to keep them going. (been married for over 12 years, have 4 children)
Best wishes to you

E.-
I feel for you. I don't believe that being married or not has a negative effect on your children as long as you are in a healthy loving relationship. That "healthy loving relationship" is what rubs off on your children. However, you have to feel secure in that relationship in order to display that love. I am geussing you have already spoken to your other half regarding your feelings on marriage? If it is something that you deeply believe in then a suggest it is not a topic to ignore. I lived with my husband from the time my son was 3 (now 9) until he was 7 when we finally got married. I was amazed how much a "wedding" reflected on my son. From that day on he accepted my husband as his "Dad". However, I am not trying to go back on what I said earlier. If you have a strong relationship your children will see this and learn to love just as you model for them. Another suggestion I have for you (although your other half may not like it so much) is therapy. It may be what in the end helps him to realize that marriage is what ties you together deeper than just living under the same roof. And it doesn't have to be an expensive big wedding. Just something that celebrates your love for eachother with family/friends! Hope that is of some help. You can send me another message if you want to chat more.
-A.

Well, it sound's like you have gotten quite a bit of negativity here, which I have not witnessed on this site until now. People do not have the right to judge you. This decision is between you and your boyfriend. It really does sound like you would like to have the legalities and ceremony that marriage has to offer, so I would dig to find out why your boyfriend has issues with it. Until you do that, you can't make your case for marriage. I personally am unmarried at this time, but living with someone for almost 3 years now. I have been divorced before, so that is my reasoning for being unmarried at this time. We will more than likely get married eventually because of all the legal reasons people have already mentioned. But that is basically it. We already know that we are committed to eachother & our children see that. Honestly I wish we were more like France, where you can be in a partnership and have all legal rights etc, but can get out of it without having to go through the experience of a divorce. But until that day....
My advice to you is for you to go to counselling about it, and if your man is committed to you I would suggest premarital counselling together. Tell him that it would mean alot to you to set a good example {in your opinion} for your children, and to have that outward show of commitment to eachother, even if you are already committed. Tell him you want everyone to know that you want to be together forever. If that doesn't work, I don't know what will. And as someone previously mentioned, you don't have to have a big ceremony. You can go apply for a license at the courthouse... they are relatively cheap, and that is basically your only expense.
Personally I don't think it has an adverse effect on your children when you are not married, unless it's something that is clearly an issue to you and they pick up on that. As long as they are seeing a loving relationship between you and their father, that is all they should need.

well i think you have anwsered the question yourself! "I have been feeling latley like moving on without him but I don't know if that is the answer" Marriage is a commitment, if you are not ready to make a commitment to him not being married then you are not ready to get married. However the two of you have a made the commitment of having 3 children. even if you are married things will not always go your way and you may not get "what you want". i suggest sitting down with him and letting him kow how really important it is for you to be married, has he been married before? are his reasaons for not being married justified? is it more important that your kids see you married or having a healthy relationship? chances are they dont even realize that your not married!

A lot of people don't marry before the kids come. They can have a great family life, but the real issue is what you in your heart want. If you think it important for you kids and your sake, he should respect this and want to do it for his family. It isn't going to hurt or anything, (like pushing out 3 of his kids) No one has mentioned the thought on religious reasons. If you want to raise you kids as Christians, by all means, it is important that you do as the Bible says and get married. You are right not to want to be hypacritical in front of them. They will not respect you later for telling them one thing if you don't follow it.

I think it does. It's about respect. He doesn't respect you.