Does Anyone Else Sometimes Feel like This?

"I appreciate you" is a phrase that can have widely different definitions. He may feel he really does appreciate you . . . from his perspective. He may even feel he shows you that he appreciates you.

From his perspective, going to work every day and bring home a good pay check may satisfy his definition.

Your defination may include, flowers and love poems, and he has no idea that's what you want. Let me say that again, He has no idea what you want. Mind reading was the only class I failed in college. I bet he didn't do any better.

Sit down and write out what it would take for you to feel appreciated. If he was the perfect husband, what would he be doing? Then pick out two or three things that would make a big difference and then highlight them. Then, find a time when he is ready to talk with you. (Not during Monday night football or a program he wants to watch,)

Bring up your disappointments and your goals for the future. Give him a couple of things he could do that would improve your time together. Tell him you like it when he _____ and when he ______. Then tell him you would really feel appreciated if he would _______. If his vulgarity is a big turn off, then tell him. DON'T overwhelm him with 10 things he isn't doing or 10 things he could do to make things better.

Since this is going to be a life changing situation, and since most people do what they want to do, realize him changing from what he wants to do to what you want him to do shows a great deal of appreciation for you and how much you mean to him.

For your side of this equasion, get the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". You will learn a lot about men and your husband. Then give the book to him to read. He will learn a lot about you and women.

Watch the movie, "Fireproof" and get the movie's companion manual, "The Love Dare". Follow the instructions in the Love Dare. You will be amazed at how you and he will change for the better.

I've been married 39 years and I am still married because I have followed the principles in the Love Dare.

ETA: Read what Julie G, Kerstin, and HisMomma have to say. They have given you very good suggestions. WorldOf4, you are right. Love is a verb, not a noun.

Good luck to you and yours.

Best advice I think I ever received about love and marriage is to use "love" as a verb, not a noun. Don't just tell the person that you love them, SHOW them. Instead of making those changes together, start making the changes yourself. If you feel like you both need to lose weight, lead by example. If you feel like there should be more romance, lead by example. If you start making the changes, I would bet he follows your lead in time.

Watch the movie Fireproof and grab the book that goes with The Love Dare. You can find the book at Walmart.

Sorry, that's my best advice on this one.

Good luck to you! I hope things turn out the way you want, and that you get some great advice on here.

Hey Mama! You are decribing a common phase of marriage when one or both people start to take their spouse for granted. It is such a painful place to be in and I applaud your willingness to fight for your relationship. This is the point when many people give up. First, I would start making individual changes for you regardless if he does the same. For example, I would start exercising solo even if he does not hop on board. Can you find a group of moms to walk with, take a Zumba class, sign up for a 5k run in three months and start training etc. Also I would spend more time with friends and build up your peep circle. Are you spiritual? If so, grow your spiritual life. Secondly, I would start being your hubby's girlfriend. Start dating him again and get your sexy on! Increase the passion on your end, not just sexual, and see wha happens! Blessings to you!

Have you told him you don't like the dirty talk?

I was having a similar issue with my hubby after the birth of our daughter. i just didn't feel appreciated enough, cuddled enough, etc. and then I would get sooo turned off in the bedroom. And of course I had stopped drinking with him, so we didn't have that bonding time of staying up late chatting, etc.

I'm not sure what changed things for us. Maybe going back to drinking with him? I don't recall, but I do know that I was able to get over my "cringe," and amazingly, I started enjoying sex again. I know I told him to stop with the dirty talk, and to stop groping at me. He started letting me take the lead, never asking for it unless I made it clear I was open, and I think that helped a lot.

I do so understand what you are saying, though. I frequently feel so distant from my hubby, and if I mention it to him, he looks at me like I've grown another head! I realized sometime ago that to feel close to him, I have to let myself feel close to him. He hasn't gone anywhere, but sometimes I have. I'm distracted and not being patient enough with him. I'd think long and hard about what you need from him and then tell him what he needs to do to help you get over this, but I think you should also focus on yourself. Lose some weight, start complimenting him more, and slowly the dynamics should change.

I think that if you have the means that you need to have someone to talk to about the changes you are going through. I truly think that even if he won't go with you that you need to make an appointment with a counselor and go for at least 6 sessions. That way you get to hear yourself as you open up to the therapist. As you hear what comes out of your mouth you will hear things you didn't realize you are feeling...that's how counseling works. You have that neutral sounding board and as you say the issues out loud you finally have to face the internal stuff that was being repressed.

So as you go through this process you will grow, learn more about yourself, find out what you really want, and be able to decide to stay and work on him or move on mentally.

Either way, you get to grow and find out more about how you are truly feeling and needing to work on for yourself.

Attraction is more than skin deep. My husband gained 100 lbs after we got married. He's still overweight by about 50 lbs now. He also burps and farts. It's just a guy thing, I think.

Honestly, it sounds like your marriage is in a rut. Read The 5 Love Languages and The 4 Seasons of Marriage.

Been there, felt that.

Time changes a you.
Having kids changes a marriage.

Becoming a mom, changed my entire world.
I may worry more but my kids DO come first.

Also, I think we've come along way as a nation meaning men help more
w/the kids & housework.

Having said that I found myself to be starring in my own 1950's version
of life. It wasn't that bad but I still did way more in the way of caring for
the kids.

It was almost an "I bring home the bacon so that's all I have to do" mentality.

It shocked me.

It almost broke us up because I needed more help but I needed to learn
the right way to ask for it.

Instead, I turned inside myself, held resentment and did not ask for help.
Bad.

Also, if I wasn't getting any help or support emotionally & physically (how women need to be loved) then I was incapable of showing caring in the
bedroom (how men like/need to be shown love).

It's a 2-say street. You need to (nicely) express to your husb that you need more help around the house and that in turn will help you feel more loving to him. In having your discussion w/him, ask him what he wants and needs.

Counseling is another option IF he will go.
If not, go by yourself.

It can work.
You can both do it.
It takes two but you can start it.
Hang in there. Pm me if you want. Best of luck

He doesn't have a clue how close he is to loosing his family. You do need to tell him that if the marriage were to stay as it is right now, it would starve to death in a short while. I have been there. Sex means love to men and to us it's not. So while he is getting his need for love filled, you are not. I used to tell H if he had sex as often as I feel loved then he would be one sad person, too! That gets attention. Then he asks for the list! Doesn't sound romantic for him to do something off a list but for some odd reason it does the trick! Start with the things he CAN do and see if the things he does that bother you seem less irritating. Surprise you with flowers or dinner or doing some house work, or heaven forbid, a present! Renegotiating your marriage can be a good thing and an ongoing thing. Give the guy a clue and see if he is smart enough to take it.

Yep you've hit a rough patch. If he wont' start counseling go yourself. We've hit a rough patch ourselves but we both are committed to working through it. Sounds like you to need to get into a workout/healthy routine to build your self esteem.

Also, without accusing you need to be specific in what you need from him. Take some baby steps one at a time. It seems to me like these issues are workable. I do have some concern on why he has a need to drink 2-5 beers a day. Hard on the kidneys ya' know? Is he depressed? Lots of stress at work/home?

No harsh criticism from me-he either wants to be the hero or he doesn't. We all have choices in our lives-and it appears as though he's chosen to be unbecoming to you and doesn't want to try to reverse the situation he has created. Maybe you should print your letter and hand it to him or just ask him to move out. Best of luck-I have been separated for over a year and while living strapped for cash-so much of daily living is just so much better-