Does Anyone Else Have a Difficult Husband?

Hi K.,
I can completely understand where you are coming from. My husband can be really selfish at times too. He likes to be around peole and golfing which has been a problem in the past. I have two sons, 2 1/2 and 11 months. After I had the second one I really had to have a long talk with him. I got a babysitter and we went out for drinks to talk. I had to say everything that was upsetting me especially with taking care of two kids instead of just one. You have to be calm and non confrontational when starting a discussion. Think about what you are going to say first before you say it. Don't use words like you are being, because that just makes them get defensive and not listen. Try saying I need from you or I need help. Sometimes guys don't get that you need help unless you say it right out. You have to be very precise about what you want. They don't get just a general saying of I need more help. You have to specifically say what things you want him or when you need help. You should also try to let him just have one thing he does on his days off that way he is not resentful and he can have his free time but not the whole time. It can be very frustrating especially if his friends are not in the same part of their lives as you. Try to fix things before they get out of hand and you can't go back. Good Luck!

Hi K., I don't know what other advice you expect might be available...perhaps your marriage counseling should be ongoing.By the way, my oldest daughters father was (and still is) selfish...I left him when I was 5 months pregnant and do not regret it. She is 12 now. I would rather my children see a happy mother than an unhappy one. Please let me know what happens. ~M.~

Suggestion: Make sure when you discuss things with your husband, you are not attacking. Tell him how your feeling affected by his behavior, and loving husbands even with a selfish streak tend to be understanding and receptive. Also make sure you point out his good qualities as well. It can't all be bad otherwise he's likely to feel very small and unappreciated. If he doesn't feel appreciated then he's not likely to be receptive and have more of a "I give up" attitude.

This sounds a little bit like how women can be when we don't feel appreciated doesn't it? I don't think men are that different. No one likes a nag, or someone who can't see any positive at all. Also, when he does do things different and less selfish, tell him how much you appreciate it. Reward him for good behavior. Sounds like training a dog? lol. Maybe. But, the better he feels about your response to his new behavior, the more he'll want to do it for you.

I hope it all works out for you.

Hi K.. You didn't say how long you've been with your husband. I have been with my husband 8 years, married 7 and we have twin boys that are 6. We just don't have time either way - together or seperate because of working full-time both of us, the kids, homework etc. Come the weekends, we are both exhausted. You really have to take at least 1 night a month to go on a date and each of you should try and get 1 day or night out to do something alone or with friends etc. It all sounds nice, I know but I've seen that when we do stick to that, it helps because all the "normal" pressures in life are usually enough and when you add kids to the mix and responsibility it gets out of hand. Also keep in mind, men mature later (sorry guys) but its true and for them, its not a natural role like with women to do the family thoughts first. I feel for you because you feel like your the only one, but your not. I actually left my husband for a few months until he "got it". think all married couples go through this type of thing. Please let me know how it works out for you.

I am not married but I have a difficult boyfriend whom is also the father of our 11 month old son. I am an at home mother due to nursing our son. Well my boyfriend thinks that just becaue he works and supports us he doesn't have to do anything else. He thinks everything is about him. If he wants to take a nap, he takes a nap but if I need a break on the weekend he tells me to hire a babysitter. I ask him to put saftey locks under the kitchen sick because I couldn't do it(You had to predrill the holes because the wood was to hard) and I waited 2 months making comments about how it needs to get done. I had to ask my step father to do it for me. He even complains if I take a long shower because he has to watch our son. He has gotton alittle better since our son has gotton to the playful stage but it's still when it's convenient for him. Now I'm at the point where I am starting school in May so I'll be gone 3 nights a week and I have to leave my son with him. Don't get me wrong he loves his son but he has no patients for crying. Let me know if you get any good tips. I sure need some.

K., I have a husband quite similar to yours. My husband and I had problems here and there, w/his lying about things he didn't need to lie about. Since I met my husband in 2001 (we married in 2004), I pretty much have let him go out w/the guys, go on his little 'vacations' 4x's/yr, just because he b*tches about this thing or that thing - or the attitudes my kids and I have with him (he's a slob). You see, he wants to think he's the man of the house - that he's running the show - and he's not (that would be me). Sure, it should be 50/50, but he also goes away each week to tournaments for placement in the World Poker Tour. Over the course of the last 6 years, I have found that when I let him 'burn the candle at both ends,' he comes to the point of not wanting to go anywhere for anyone, except for work (he works part-time @full-time pay).
There was one particular issue that came up 2 years ago, and our marriage has not been completely back on track since. In January '05, his ex gf (high school) moved back to our city and looked him up. She found him and was w/him everyday. I was not immmediately aware of it, but my husband was copping an attitude with me without cause everyday for 2 weeks. When I finally confronted him about his mouth. I told him I wanted to know who this woman was that was trying to get w/him. That's when he finally told me that it was his ex gf and that she was the whole story behind his attitude. He was actually considering leaving me because he believed that the ex wasn't the problem! I sent an email to his father, his father's parents, and a close friend of both me and my husband. In that email, I told them everything I knew about the situation. They all came down on him hard, and he finally got the ex gf out of his life.
He brought up leaving me, again, in December '06. The day before my birthday. As he was talking, the one thing that kept sticking in my mind was 'what a piece of sh*t.' When he was done saying what he had to say, he asked me if his leaving was 'on good terms.' Of course, I told him no, and I walked out of the room. I didn't speak to him for the rest of that night. The next day (my birthday) we did go out, just me & him, to play video slots and have dinner. It was okay, but I was too depressed to enjoy it. I hardly said a word to him. I don't know what he was expecting, but my silence wasn't it. He didn't leave.
As for your husband, it sounds to me like he needs to 'burn the candle at both ends' to get a clue. Does he have siblings or cousins that he's close to? If he does, maybe you could have them arrange for them to spend time w/your husband. Whoever it is might be able to get through to him that there is no room for selfishness in a marriage.

Dear K., I would sincerely suggest returning to couples therapy and staying at it even when things are better, my boyfriend and I have been in therapy for about 3 months now and things have changed greatly, and though things have improved, I wouldn't consider stopping therapy until there was no question in my mind as to if it was needed anymore or not, if there is question, it is needed. Don't give up, "patience is a virtue" someone once said to me, and I have realized that that plays true most in my relationship, but good things are worth waiting for.

and on another note about "Robyn G's" response - although she's right in that you need to make yourself happy first and foremost, and that it is important that you have close bonds with your children, I find it rather disturbing discouraging someone from trying to create those same bonds between the father and mother, and his children - not all people come around to things on their own or at the same pace, and usually the major issue is faulty communication, and also, children can be damaged beyond recognition, psychologically & emotionally, from poor bonds with either parent.

no matter what you're asking for - it's not what you're asking for that determines if you'll get it, it's how you ask for it. This might sound silly, but think about if you had one wish to be granted, you know that how you phrase it makes all the difference in whether you'll actually get what you intended.

Yes. I cam glad I am not the only one. I think he has a harder time giving up his old life. He loves our child and I know he loves me, he just can't seem to accept how much things have changed. We have only left her to go out with each other a few times since she has been born. I definately try to give him some free time by going out visiting family and shopping etc. He will try to give me a little free time by letting me sleep in a little but not much more than that. I am thinking for our situation I am going to try and make time for us to go out as a couple and also this summer for instance I am going to a concert and I am taking 2 days off. Lately he has been doing more family orientated activities with us, like every other weekend. I think it is just harder for my husband to be as selfless and I am.

I don't know that my husband is "difficult" but I do think that selfishness comes more natural to dads that moms. I find that being open about what the plan for the week-end, say, helps put his mind into that frame of "family time" or "personal time". I know for my part, I try not to feel guilty anymore when it's MY turn to go out bu my self, whitch I've been doing more of with joining a book club and a Moms Night Out and I try not to give him greif when HE goes out.... Not always easy! One thing to keep in mind: as the mom in your household, you have a lot of power. You are the one to set the mood in your house, I know that's true in mine, and I find that a positive attitude helps a lot...Hang in there!

When I read your story I felt like I was reading about my life! Amazing how the men think they are entitled to time away and forget about how us mothers would like some time as well. It seems as though you are trying the same routes I am now going through. Good luck with everything, hope it turns out for you.

Morning K.-
I wish I could say that your husband was unique, but so many guys/Dads just have a fundamentally different view of how child-centered their free time needs to be. As a working Mom, I feel guilty for the free time that I do not spend with my kids, whereas my husband feels like they get saturated enough with tons of our attention and focus and that there are a couple hours every weekend day he wants to take to do the things he loves most. Of note, our kids are now 12 and 14, and my husband and I will have been married 20 years this year. The key I finally realized was that I was holding him to my Mom-guilt standards, and in truth, when he took leisure time whether immersed in watching a European soccer match or playing in an evening paddle league, we all benefited as he emerged restored, energized and ready to really focus on the kids/me. As a result, I learned to take time for myself as well: for we had a casual "exchange" program underway: I could slip off for a gym workout or dinner with close women friends. And I came to realize that both of our points of view had merit. Ultimately, most guys are like your husband: as much as they adore their kids, they do not consider parenting to be a 24/7 role. Since you are unlikely to change your husband's philosophy (after all he changes post-therapy but then resets to his norm, working on shifting your perspective and expectations. I know that this took lots of work on my part, but has ultimately been the key to our marriages success!
Warmest, S.

Hi K., i know this is probably not the response that you want to hear, but i think that u have done everything in your power to try and problem solve. The problem is not yours to solve now, its his. And i think u are coming to the realization that you cant change him. I, personally, have to agree with the other person, about your child seeing a happy mom b/c that reflects your personality with your children. If ur husband can not come to terms with being a husband and a father, then i would stop giving him an inch and let him know what will take place if this does not change. Changing for a little while, is not actually a change, its a chance to smooth things over with you and then when he thinks you are over it and happy again, he goes back. if u have gone this long, i dont think a change will happen. I know u want your daughters father to be in her life, but i would rather teach my child love, and respect, and selflessness which he is not- ya know? Im not saying divorce should be the answer in all cases, but i think u need to be mentally prepared for what could eventually come about. Maybe when he loses you, he'll realize. I would tell him the reprocussions but be fully prepared to carry them out. I love my husband dearly as well, but as a mom, my son comes before ALL else. If he wants to be a dad to your little girl, he needs to do it now. So good luck and i am always here to talk. Good luck. PS maybe you should make couseling an every week thing if u can afford it... and maybe if its ongoing, you will see a difference. If he knows u are just going to want it for like a month and then get over it, he'll know u are bluffing. Stick to it, this is not your fault and you and your daughter deserve to be treated better.

Oh boy,do I know how you feel! I stay at home with a 16 year old(from a previous marriage)and a7 year old and 2 year old that we have together. My fiance(we've been "engaged" for 8 years now!) is Mr. Selfish. He works at a job that requires his full attention just about every day in order for him to make enough to support us. His hours make it next to impossible for me to work. I am looking for work now,and will end up working overnights I'm sure. I wouldn't need to do this,but he can't seem to manage his money and wont let me do it. So,usually,when he forgets to pay a utility or the phone,I'm stuck here with the kids and he's off doing his thing. If I start on him about it,he wont respond and I end up looking like the big "you know what"! He's perfectly happy with things the way they are,and says I'm being dramatic if I complain about anything. When he's home he's a tv watching zombie,and if I try to have a conversation with him he either doesn't hear me or interupts me to ask for a back or foot rub! It goes something like this..."Hey,guess what the kids did today?" Then he says,"OOOOHHH...my back is killing me. Do you think you could crack it for me?" If I try to snuggle,he ends up thrusting a foot or arm at me to rub? Then he says our sex life is non-exsistent because I don't like him anymore? My favorite thing he does is this...He turns down the tv in the middle of a show we are "both" watching to listen to a song online or take a phonecall,and just leaves it that way. Also,he'll come home and change the channel,even if I'm obviously watching something at the time! Once again,he sees nothing wrong with this. I asked if he does that at his friends houses,and he says he does. Knowing him,I almost believe him. I get that he has trouble expressing his feelings,and I get that he doesn't see what he's doing,but every night he comes home and plops down on the couch like a sloth to ignore me all night brings me closer to insanity. He decided we need a dog recently,and along came my fourth child,Ginger the Golden Retriever. He was going to help walk and care for her. He did that maybe twice,so know I'm out with this puppy several times a day with my kids in tow. I bath,feed,walk,and train the dog...he plays with her once in a while. I know this isn't helpful,but at least I hope you find it amusing and feel a little better anyway. I have come to the conclusion that I don't get men and maybe never will! No matter what i do he will believe that he works harder than me,and that I do nothing all day. I can just hope he snaps out of it someday!

Hi K.,
My husband also can tend to be very selfish with his time. He likes to go hunting and fishing everyweekend. And it makes me so mad sometimes, because it would be nice for him to include me and our 2 children sometime. Our son has autism, so it has really put an extra stress on our family. And I too have felt like giving up, but fear I could not do it on my own and also don't want my children to be left without a father at home. We haven't gone to counsiling, athough we should. But maybe have him plan ahead say 2 times a month of a free day for him and 2 for you. When you can do whatevery you want on your own. I was thinking of suggesting this to my husband. And the rest of the weekend time is for family. Who knows maybe it will satisfy their boyish needs.

I was curoius. Does your husband take care of your daughter when you are not there? Currently my huband has the baby at nights on the weekends when I am working. I honestly think that this alone time with our daughter has allowed him to bond with her and learn how to do things on his own- without me jumping in to help before he can figure it out (I know... bad me... I try to restrain though... ). He even comes home for lunch just to see us. I think that this time with her has helped him realize his role as a father and has made family time fun and a necessity for him as well. Do you think that maybe some father/daughter time might help your husband to zone in on the family? I hope this helps!

...Now if you can help me with getting MY husband to help with the house work without me having to nag at him... LOL!

K.,
I too have a selfish husband and I have no words of wisdom. I have also contemplated leaving him, but I love him too much. I'm not going to tell you "sit down and talk with him" I'm not going to tell you "Just leave your daughter with him for a day" I have heard all those things and they don't work for me. I have gone so far as burning dinner for four days in a row, then on Friday making some gourmet fare, getting compliments from hubby and saying "Oh, I was able to concentrate on dinner while you looked after Jr." Stupid stuff, but effective! There are so many reasons to stay, he really is a good guy, he just doesn't get it. I should have seen the writing on the wall. My father was the same way. The thought that gets me thru the day, night etc. is that very soon he will be the one schlepping Jr. to hockey, soccer, music, whatever.

I hope that you get some really useful words of wisdom because I could use some too!