Do You Teach Your Kids to Defend Themselves?

I've told my girls... if someone's putting their hands on you inappropriately, first time, tell a grown up. Second time, punch them in the nose.

My daughters have good heads on their shoulders. There has only been ONE TIME one of my kids threw a punch and meant it. This boy (4th grader) kept swinging his backpack into my Kindergarteners head. My 1st grader told him to stop. He did it again. She told the bus driver. Bus driver separated them. At one of the stops, the boy crept back up, and did it again. My 1st grader punched him square in the nose. The boy was suspended from the bus, my daughter was not in trouble :)

If they're defending themselves, I'll never get mad about getting physical. If I EVER find out they threw the first punch, they're grounded FOR LIFE.

I taught my daughter that she was never to strike the first blow, but that if someone else put their hands on her, she was to fight back and fight dirty.

I do. And what's super about my friends, if their kids provoke it, they let my kids fight back too.

Same goes for if my kids provoke it.... I tell the other kid they're picking on, to defend themselves against mine.

If my 3yr old son does something to my 8yr old daughter, I tell her to do whatever he did back to him. She usually won't, but that's just her personality. I still make them apologize for whatever they did too though and they get scolded.

ETA- Basically I agree with the previous posters.

I teach my boys that there is NEVER a reason for violence. If they had to hit in order to get away, that is one thing, but as long as they can walk away that is what they need to do. There is never a good reason to hit someone. Teach him to use his words, like "NO" and "Stop" in a big voice so that not only is he making his wish known, but if you did not see what was happening you would than be alerted to it.

You need to have a talk with your friend, she needs to be disciplining her child the first time every time something like this happens, and if she is unwilling, then I would stop the play dates for a while until she can get her child under control.

He needs to learn how to use his words, not his fists.
Teach him to stand up for himself, to say words like stop and no in a big voice when someone is doing something he doesn't like. Role play to help him practice and get confident.
Get yourself a book on child development or early childhood education. It will help you understand where your son is at and give you tips and tools for dealing with this stage :)

Yes I did and still do. I"m probably gonna get some backlash for this but might I suggest, that since the other kid isnt getting disciplined. When your kids come to you crying because he got hit, whisper to him to go hit back.

I know, I know, Im starting a war, but after 3 kids and I'm the oldest of 5, I have learned that sometimes the other child needs to know what it feels like to be hit, or bite, or pinched.

Funny you mention it....just last night i was having a self defense talk with my daughter. She has been told at school she is not allowed to fight back.....i am telling her she is. I am making sure she knows that if she is attacked that she has to defend herself, or she will become the target of such attacks in the future. Shes a very non-violent child and has already been groped by boys and harassed by girls and shes only in 3rd grade!

The school can take up their issues with me for reversing their stance, I dont care if that makes me unpopular, ill be unpopular if that means my daughter not getting tormented.

I was taught never throw the first punch, but if you are hit you can fight back - so was my husband. Thats what we are teaching our kids. We tell them its not nice to hit anyone or anything, however sometimes you have to defend yourself. I know alot of people don't see things the way we do, but thats each to their own. I always tell my boys ages 4 and 5, you hit me I'm gonna hit back. (not hard of course). Luckily though we haven't had any of those types of situations, yet. They're boys so I know its coming one day, ecspecially if their like thier dad. :p

I had the same problem with my friend's son at the same age. It was just a phase, and he outgrew it, and the kids are good friends. I would be concerned that at 3 if you instructed your son to fight back he would think that's how you deal with most unpleasant situations and it could cause you more problems. I'm also wondering if having him fight back would ruin their friendship.

Yes, with words first, try to walk away if they can but I've told them if they ever had to hit someone back for the right reason I wouldn't be mad at them. I don't want them to be bullies or be bullied, and as far as I know, they never have laid a hand on another child that wasn't blood related. My kids fight with their siblings. My oldest is 16, 14 and almost 5 year old. The two younger are boys. Hubby is really big into defending yourself and don't let no one walk on you.

If I was you, I'd have a talk with my friend. Let her know, hey, your son keeps biting, hitting my boy, and time outs are working. I'm letting my son know, don't let anyone do this to you and he may hit your son back or bite him. I bet if that kid gets bit one time, he'll stop doing it to others... I know they are only 3 but the other boy knows better and time out doesn't stop it.

That's just my opinion...

Defending himself at 3 yrs old is kind of tough to explain, but my son sounds a lot like yours. He's kind of quiet and sensitive and not aggressive, so we were worried when he was coming home from daycare and talking about "who-hit-who", "who-bit-who" and he was on the receiving end of those episodes. His provider is AMAZING, so we "stole" her technique- coincidentally the same sequence I used to teach my students.

1. Use your words- LOUDLY "KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOUR OWN BODY"
2. If that doesn't immediately stop the behavior "STOP!" and find an adult
3. If there is no adult around, push the other child hard enough to get him/her away from you so you can find an adult and get out of the situation.

My son is also 3 and this has worked for him! He knows that he will be in trouble if he "starts it", but that it's OK to push a child if he feels unsafe.

Yes--he needs to defend himself. Our rule: ignore words, but retaliate physical attacks.

Kids need to learn to stick up for themselves--especially against bullies. Who continue through adulthood with the small minds. Better to learn early.

yes of course we teach our kids to defend themselves! If we ask them "when do you fight?" they will answer "in self defense, in training and in defense of others". We have taught them this since day 1

I guess I don't understand why, if she is your friend, you haven't addressed this with HER?

If it were me, I would point out to her that her son's behavior is not acceptable. If she said 'well, I give him time-outs' I would say, "Yes, but obviously that is not stopping the unacceptable behavior. So what else do you think we should do to solve this? Because I will not continue to have my son bullied."

She should come up with a good answer, if she is really a friend. If she does not, I would stop putting my son in harms way.

My son is 3 and I have taught him to yell STOP if someone hits him or hurts him in any way, that's as far as it has gotten because it hasn't really been an issue. If he is in a situation where he is constantly getting hit, bit, pushed by the same child then I would tell him to hit back. When my brother was 4 he would play with a girl in the neighborhood almost every day, and she would hit him. He would run home and cry to my mom and finally she told him to hit her back, so he did and she never hit him again. I used to get beat up on by my "friends" when I was in elementary school because I was quiet and small and wouldn't fight back or tell anyone, so this went on for a long time. Looking back I think if I would have fought back they would have stopped messing with me. My son is a lot like I was when I was young so if it gets to that point I will absolutely tell him to fight back.

The reason schools have a "no fighting back" rule is because kids tend to fight back because of insult. "He took my hat, so I was just fighting back when I punched him." etc, etc.

I always teach my kids that they have a right to fight back if they feel they are in physical danger, but *only* to the extent required to escape. My kids may not physically punish another child, so hitting someone to "teach them a lesson" is absolutely not okay. However, if another child fastens his teeth in my son's arm, my son is empowered and encouraged to whack the other kid to make them let go. Incidentally, I teach my kids that they can fight back in self-defense against anyone, including adults.

Definitely teach your son to loudly describe the problem "NO! STOP BITING ME!" Never leave these two alone together.

Talk your friend. Let her know, in the most supportive possible terms, that you have noticed that she is working hard to teach her son to play more gently with his friends. Tell her that you'd like to support her in this by ending the visit immediately every time either child hits, scratches, or bites. If either child does anything aggressive, the visit is over. (Yes, I know you're child isn't doing any of these things, but making it a policy for both kids will probably feel less like an attack to your friend.) Use the "Love and Logic" approach:

"Oh how sad. Children are fighting. Playtime is over. I hope the next playtime will be longer!"

If possible, plan a lot of short visits (like 30 minutes). If the kids make it to the end of the visit without an incident, celebrate exuberantly and tell *both* kids how proud you are.

"We had a happy, fun visit with no fighting! I'm so proud of you both. I really look forward to our next visit! Visiting together is so fun!"

Make sure the kids are well-rested and fed so they're both at their best. Also, make sure something fun and desirable is happening, so both kids *want* the playdate to continue. They should both be disappointed when the visit ends, not relieved.

To put this as frankly and politely as I know how... You are saying you are in the room and you know what's happening. It's YOUR job to protect your son, not his job to protect himself. There will become a time when he'll find himself alone in situations where an adult is not close. It grieves me that children are not ALWAYS protected in school, on the playgrounds, etc. I don't believe a child should be walking to and from school, riding bikes on the road by themselves etc. But you've asked about the here and the now. It is wrong for you to teach your son because he's not capable of hitting back at this age without getting a taste for fighting. Boys are naturally full of the urge to rough house, fight, and one up each other physically. The fact that your son is gentle so far is a blessing. You have no business trying to change that. He has a LONG time before there's any excuse for him to be in a position of needing to defend himself.

That said, if you think your child will have a need to defend himself when he's older, get him in a class that teaches the proper way of DEFENSE. Hitting someone in the jaw and getting pleasure from it is not defense. Pushing a bully on his BUTT is defense, please taken or not.

Yes, I teach them not to start a fight but they are allowed to finish one.

My LO is also 3 and her cousin is 5 months older and is a hitter/pusher. I tell my daughter to ask her not to hit or push and if she continues to hit her as hard as she can. I then informed my BiL that what I told my daughter and he said okay. I tell her the same for her school friends and to tell the teacher to talk to me if they have a problem with it.

The reason why it hasn't worked well is because my daughter doesn’t like to hit… at all. Which is interesting because (on another note) we “spank” for discipline (not all the time, just when she’s in trouble) and her cousin gets “time outs” – no spanking whatsoever. So much for spankings teaching that violence is okay. I wish my daughter stood up for herself more.

at 3 no I would not teach my child to fight back. School age yes. If a kid attacks my child I don't want them to just stand there and take it.

I don't think in this case you need self defense beyond trying to avoid getting hurt. You know the same ducking and weaving we adults do with a good two year old temper tantrum.

If I were you though I would tell my friend we will no longer be hanging out with the kids until he learns to control himself. That way she can explain to the little dear that other children don't like getting hurt and since he can't learn from time outs his friend no longer wants to play with him.

I have and they thought I was crazy! Lol. I had to really work to get them to understand where I was coming from. So far they have fared well and haven't had any issues. You just ignore what others say. We'll see how "wrong" self-defense is when some kid harms their child. :o)

I have taught my children just like my mother taught me. I tell them never start a fight but if someone wants to start one with them, they are to finish it. The bullies will leave you alone and not mess with you again. Good luck

I personally got sick of my child being picked on, enrolled her in selfdefense, and did everything I could to get her to fight back.
She almost never does, but she did hit a boy back who punched her in 3rd grade. She ignored being pushed down by two kids, even though she knows self defense.
A former friend has a girl who is now 7 and constantly hitting kids. I got in the girl's face and told her I know that she hits kids because I have seen her do it at my house and at school. I then added that I told my child to hit her back as hard as possible. I added no one is getting in trouble for hitting her back so don't come crying to me when ALL the hits hit her back from now on. It scared her straight and she quit hitting. The M. doesn't know because she never asked me or her kid why she was scared of me. I dumped her because her kids are brats and she doesn't even try to discipline them.

Yes! Even though my kid's still wouldn't do it! But if a child is hitting yours then the only way the other child may learn is by getting a hit back from the child he's hitting. My daughter is in middle school and I tell her that if anyone hit her that she NEED'S to DEFEND herself no matter what! What was my daughter's response? "Mom, really? I don't want to get suspended!" Argggggggg!! But the thing that "we" as the parents need to consistantly tell them that they are "defending" and not fighting. I'm sure some may agree and disagree but thats my thought on it.....Hope you have a wonderful day!

Yes, I think you should teach him to say/yell "STOP!" when someone does something to him that he does not like.

I think you are in the right for teaching your child to defend/stand up for himself. Otherwise, in my opinion he will be picked on and bullied as he gets older. I've told my son since he was about 3 that he is to NEVER hit first but that if someone hits him he can hit them back. He's now 5 and has gone to the same daycare/preschool since he was 7 weeks old and in that time he has never once started a fight, scratched or bit any of the other kids first but he will fight back if struck first. At the preschool both children get a time out to show to them that fighting isn't good but my son knows it's ok to fight back.

I hope this helps!
Good luck!