Do You See What Others See in Your Children?

I have the same thing. I think part of it is that people know how much I prize intelligence and education, so that's what they feel is a high compliment to me. I work with kids and I know what gifted looks like. My son is good, and maybe above average, but he's not a Mensa candidate. ;) I think if you have high standards, they have something to rise to. If you praise them for how overly amazing they are, they start to think they are better than anyone else, and that's a social problem! Appreciate the compliments, and keep up what you are doing.

I think the real concern you have is that you don't want your child to think you are lying to them. And they WILL know, if you are.

I actually do have a gifted child (not a prodigy, but VERY quick to learn complicated things beyond her peers normal abilities, and very mature as well). And I was very conscious from the very beginning with her... NOT to praise what she knows, or how "smart" she is or anything else that is really not in her control. I praise her and compliment her on what she DOES. How much effort and work she puts into something. If you try to formulate your compliments into a framework that relies on the child's effort, then they will recognize genuine praise and will not feel lied to.

Rather than "what a pretty picture" for some scribbling from a 2 or 3 year old... "What an interesting picture. What made you use those colors/that part of the paper/those angles ? For a good throw in baseball, not "What an awesome throw!", but "Have you been practicing your throws? Your form looked like you've been working on it." or something that is more "refined" and less generic.

hth

What you expect of your child may be clouding your eyes from seeing what is right now or the potential. That's why we have other people in our lives. We get to see from different mirrors. You know your child better than anyone else, but maybe she doesn't act the same way around you, so you are not able to see what the others see. A visionary might see the potential where as if you are practical, you kind of expect to see it now. I wouldn't question your view, but don't discourage the other views either. Embrace it.

I think sometimes i've overlooked how talented my daughters are. For instance, of course I tell them they're beautiful and so good at dance, gymnastics, school etc. But until you really observe them against other children (terrible as that sounds, sorry if I offend anyone!) sometimes it's an eye opening "wow, my child really is especially gifted" moment. :)

I think you are doing a good job maintaining some perspective about the whole thing and really, only time will tell. Depending on the age of your child, it might be possible to have him evaluated and tested for giftedness if you really want to know. Keep in mind that people can be gifted and talented in different ways too. It might depend on who is telling you this about your child - is it a teacher, or someone else who works with kids a lot or has some kind of experience or background involving early childhood development, or other people who might not know what they are really talking about?

I've wondered the same thing about my DD who is 3 - I don't doubt she is very bright and on the precocious side, but gifted? I don't know yet. Some people have suggested it to me too, but again, I figure we'll know better the older she gets and the further she gets into school.

Remember too that being gifted does not mean the child has to be reading Shakespeare or composing symphonies when they are 3 - it can manifest itself in many ways. I would agree that it's better to reward effort than the actual result. And my DD's preschool teacher told me, when I asked her about this, that even if she is gifted, she still needs to play and have fun and be a kid like all the rest. You can always have your son evaluated if you are having doubts.

Talented or gifted children are usually not obvious to the parent. Its like your spouse is losing weight but you dont see it cause you are always with that person. Your child's talent is being brought out by others, teachers other parents. If your expecting your child to solve world problems, so-to-speak, then you're just being critical, cause a genius or talented ones, start off gradually.

Praise effort, that's all that really matters. Maybe you are just more realistic than some of your friends. I don't think that means you are overly critical. Anyway, as long as you are not overly critical towards your children, it doesn't matter what's going on in your head.

I think your approach is healthy. While kids need praise, they don't need to develop unrealistic expectations of their abilities. That's why praising EFFORT is the way to go.

Don't worry, you're doing fine.

It depends who these people are and the context of when they are saying it.

I always tend to compliment the abilities and traits in the kids that I know. If their parents are interpreting it as more than that because they hear it repeatedly from other people, I wouldn't know.

My kids are young, the oldest is 5. I always get compliments on general things for all of them, like their behavior and personalities. For my oldest, it's a little more specific, because she's in school and piano lessons. So I'll hear things like, "She's extremely creative and good at drawing." in addition to the personality stuff. Or, "She's progressing wonderfully in the piano" (why wouldn't she be? we practice every day) This makes sense, her parents are both artists and musicians, and she's as good at drawing and playing piano as the next kid-maybe better than some. Whatever. It's just a nice thing for people to say.

Now, has a series of experts approached me to do studies on her because her teacher reported her outrageous advanced art and music accomplishment when no other kids have even been able to hold a crayon yet or plunk some keys so she must be a prodigy? No.

So ask yourself to what degree the comments are rooted and intended. It almost sounds like you think your kid is not all that great from your tone, but I'm sure that's not what you mean. What do you mean you feel like you're deceiving him? Like you compliment him even though you don't really think he's great? And it feels deceitful because maybe he isn't great? It's not deceiving to praise your child even without proof that they are the biggest super talent ever. I really mean it when I tell my kids they're great at something, and I don't know if they're great compared to every other kid in the world.

There are ways to compare him to information on other kids if you're unsure if he's really superior or not, but the fact that he's really great compared to some kids at some things is probably true! Kids have different strengths and some are gifted. I always got comments on being really advanced in art when I was young, and they were true. Compliments I give to other kids about their strengths are true. What people are saying is probably true! The most important thing is that you think your child is great no matter what they do.

I think that as parents, we see our kids for their potential, not always for the gifts they already have. Also, what others see as a "gift", we may see as normal. Or even a pain in the neck!

Our job is to love them, give them lots of encouragement, and help them reach their potential. It is not to deceive them. It is also not to compare them to others, as hard as that might be.

On the other hand, if EVERYONE is saying it, maybe you just aren't because you remember all the other things about him... the mischief, the pranks, etc.

I have no answer for you. I'm there with you. I think love covers a multitude of sins, oversights, etc. Just love him, encourage him, and it will work out in the end.

I think what we, as parents, see in other kids, are things that are not developed or are under-developed in our own kids. I had a mom return my son from an outing and say "He just seems so much more MATURE than Billy..." which blew me away! LOL I wouldn't describe him as "mature" in a million years....
He is also very interested in World History, which at 8, is unusual, as compared to his peers. I've had retired-teacher subs tell me they could talk 1970's baseball & football with him all day long.

i know my kids are talented in some area and I have a hard time with it too. My sone is very mechanical. He is 2 and can take apart his little brother's crib in less than 15 minutes... he can put it back together but getting him to do it is another question. I know it is a gift, but it is also a burden and right now I have a hard time not seeing the burden... like today, he managed to take a door off it's hinges... it means I have to go put it back.

I think all kids are "gifted" in some ways. They all certainly deserve praise for their efforts.
I think it's important not to tell kids they are so special at something that it sets them up not to think they have to try at anything else.
Example: "You're the best baseball player! You're perfect! You're better than all the other kids! You'll go into the pros!"
Kid doesn't think he has to get good grades, heck....he's never going to have to know how to fill out a job application. He's going to get "discovered" and be a pro baseball player making millions. Heck, he was so good, he didn't even need to go to practices.
What a let down when he plays against other teams and he ISN'T the best player and he realizes that being "discovered" probably won't ever happen.
I have personally witnessed this scenario.

There is a line between praising accomplishments and going over the top and it seems to me you realize that. Encouragement is so important too, which you do.
You can accept others compliments graciously. As you should. It's wonderful to hear amazing things about our kids.
It's wonderful for them to hear amazing things about themselves.
All kids have a talent for something. That doesn't mean they are all prodegies.
I don't think that you are under cutting your child by having a level head about things. If he's encouraged to persue his talents, there will be no stopping him if his talent itself is unstoppable.

It also depends on the age of the kid and what exactly the talent is.

Just my opinions.

Best wishes!

I was reading through some responses and agree with quite a few. People often say about my son "He's so smart!" and, while he is bright, he does not do particularly well in school--because part of being school-smart is focus, which he struggles with. I tend to see those struggles and not his innate intelligence--or, rather, I tend to focus on it, because we're working to improve his school performance, and I KNOW my son is smart in ways some other kids aren't. I guess if you view all kids as having strengths and weaknesses, not all of which appear in the classroom or on the playing field, you perhaps miss more nuanced strengths. My oldest is very in tune with people--very perceptive, very empathetic. While I value that in my relationship with my son, and it has its perks--he can very clearly articulate his complex feelings to us--it also has drawbacks, because he is so sensitive, he is afraid of Disney films (he's almost 7). I think most "gifts" are this way--intelligent people have the perks of being smart, but also struggle with "nerd" status. And so on... Anyway--the people that see my son in public only notice that he's perceptive, and comments on things other people often don't see--so they think he's observant, conscientious, kind, and aware. All of which is true, but they don't see the flip side of being so attuned. My guess is that you simply have a fuller picture of your child's abilities. Remember what people tell you--it helps me to focus on the positive when I'm stressed, or even when my son's "talents" have their drawbacks--but don't feel like you need to shower praise on him for things that, for him, are perhaps quite ordinary.

I will start out saying that I can't tell from your post what age your son is or what areas people are telling you he is gifted (academic? artistic? other?) So I will assume that your child is at least school age and I am focusing a little more on the intellectual side.

While I believe every child has abilities and every child has strengths and weaknesses, gifted (also talented is used at times) is actually a specific definition (or set of definitions). Here are some examples of commonly used definitions:
"having exceptionally high intelligence" Random House Dictionary
"Gifted learners are children and youth with outstanding talent who perform or show the potential for performing at remarkably high levels of accomplishment when compared with others of their age, experience, or environment." US Dept. of Education
"Gifted students give evidence of high achievement capability in areas such as intellectual, creative, artistic, or leadership capability, and need services and activities not ordinarily provided by school in order to fully develop those capabilities." National Assoc. of Gifted Children
"Giftedness identifies a level of brain development that allows rapid, in depth understanding of complex ideas and operations, which may lead to outstanding creativity and performance." Dr. Barbara Clark, gifted expert and professor

Giftedness is measurable. Giftedness also indicates potential and capability NOT actual achievement. Gifted kids need guidance and encouragement to develop their talents and strengthen their weaknesses just like every kid. The difference being that they might need challenges that are above and beyond what is normally provided. Like every kid, though, they need praise that recognizes their efforts and their successes and they need constructive criticism to help them understand and work on their weaknesses.

What does this mean for you? Educate yourself about giftedness. Decide if you feel your child's needs are truly being met by the education system he is in (i.e. is he challenged enough or is everything too easy). Decide if you think testing would give you a better sense of his potential. Continue to help him keep his feet on the ground and develop his social and emotional skills. But make sure that he is also getting the intellectual stimuli that he needs to reach his fullest potential in that area as well. Like everything in life, it is a balancing act.

Sometimes all it takes is ONE person to see a spark of something special in your child to make a huge difference in his life! Sometimes we are too "close" to the situation to see things objectively. Maybe our child has a talent in an area that we are not all that familiar with, so it is more difficult for us to recognize. When I receive compliments about my kids, I try to consider the source - in other words, does the praise come from family members who tend to go gaga over the least little thing, or does the praise come from someone more objective, like a teacher or coach? Could it be that they are seeing something in my child that stands out and sets them apart (compared to others they have taught, coached, etc.) ? I tend to take those comments a little more seriously and give them more weight, based on the expertise of the person giving the praise. Kids don't need to have "over the top" talent to be encouraged to pursue something - chances are, if they are good at something and enjoy doing it, that will give them the impetus to pursue it further, and by doing so, they will naturally get better at it. I don't believe in heaping praise on kids indiscriminately - that will only set them up for extreme disappointment in the future when they realize they're not good at everything. But if others have told you that your son shows promise in a particular area, and you don't yet see it, all I would say is continue to encourage it anyway - and hopefully one day you will be pleasantly surprised!

yes I do.
My youngest is a gifted dancer , his teachers see it , I see it , he doesn't do it perfectly and I encourage him to practice so he can get it perfect.

I think no one can really achieve perfection and there is always room for improvement. So I don't expect perfection.
if I were you I'd just encourage him to practice whatever it is he's good at.

This may sound really stupid. They for 2 years tried to skip my son a year. I said no. I couldn't in the world see how that would be a good idea! I mean whaaaaaa? At home he was very immature and his homework he brought home wasn't perfect. It had minus 1's and such. But every year it was pushed. This year he was given some test to see if he was basically gifted because his teacher thought he should take it. He did and he did well. So now they have a whole new curriculum and such for him.

To get me to let them give him the test I now see that he has all ones and a 2nd grader that reads at between a 5 and 6th grader but again. . . I think it's because we are home and see the dopey things they do at home. It skews our opinion. My other problem is every other tom, d***, and harry thinks their child is gifted and mine doesn't seem any different so why would I think much? Does that make sense. We have this thing on tv of the kid being Mozart and that is the gifted child in every program.

I think society as a whole confuses us anymore. Third party opinion really is a good thing I found out.

LOL! I've had those same thoughts....She's 3 and I get told how smart she is.....I know she is, but I also know she is not a prodigy or genius like some of my friends and family claim (sometimes I think they say it without realizing how absurd it sounds!).....She's on target for her age, healthy and happy....I couldn't ask for anything more! Enjoy your child and politely thank those who bring up his talents, allow your child to express his talent and grow at his own pace...no need to over harvest it or to put any pressure on him to continue to develop and get better and better....