Do You Say Bad Things About Other People to Your Spouse?

Updated on September 08, 2018
E.W. asks from Dallas, TX
18 answers

I told him all spouses tell each other their good and bad opinions about other people: friends, family, celebrities, neighbors, etc. because spouses are suppose to be best friends, plus they share the same views in life what makes everyone else “kind of wrong”. He said he doesn't want to hear any bad opinions on other people. I don’t go around telling anyone else’s bad habits but I’d like to share with my husband my point of view...
How is that in your house?

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M.M.

answers from Dallas on

Most men are not gossipers. Plain and simple. He just doesn't want to hear it. There is nothing wrong with that. Plus, I can see why, you seem to want to harp on the negative of others instead of celebrating them.

3 moms found this helpful

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

he gets to make that call. it reflects nicely on him.

but yeah, i'm pretty glad that my ol' man is the one to whom i can snark a little.

however, there are things i need to share that he DOESN'T enjoy, so i have close friends with whom i can discuss these other matters. you may just have to cultivate a dish-buddy.

you're not right that 'all' spouses do it. probably most of us do, and it's fun. but it's not okay for you to make him listen if he doesn't want to.
khairete
S.

2 moms found this helpful

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T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Sure you should be able to share your opinions, both good and bad. But really how much, and how often? I wouldn't want to be married to someone who talks trash about other people all the time. That's just unattractive and annoying.

8 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

While Hubby and I share opinions on many subjects - we don't gossip and bad mouth people even between just us.

If your husband has had enough of hearing any bad opinions from you - I think he's saying more about how much negativity he's hearing from you more than anything else.
Be honest with yourself - how much spewing do you do?
If you can find nothing nice to say - then say nothing.

6 moms found this helpful
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A.L.

answers from Atlanta on

There are a few different issues going on in your post: whether spouses share the same view, how a spouse best supports you, and what to do with our individual criticisms of other people. For the first one, while spouses need to have similar views about the big things in order to make a good life together, I don't think that means they're going to have the same views on smaller things. For the second, it sounds like a listening ear is important support for you. Isn't it possible, though, that talking alot about other people's 'bad' actions just makes the world look pretty negative? Your spouse may have a point, and he does have a right to say he doesn't want to dwell on negativity. Personally, I might tell my spouse about things I find frustrating or which I'm struggling with, but I spend very little time talking about what other people did or negative things about them. To me, life is too short to obsess about other people's activities.

5 moms found this helpful

M.P.

answers from Boston on

It's good to be able to share your thoughts with each other, but perhaps maybe you go overboard. if it's the same criticism repeatedly over and over and over again, trust me, it can be very tiring and unnerving. Repeating a criticism more than twice is enough. Three is a strikeout.

4 moms found this helpful

D.B.

answers from Boston on

I'm not sure I agree. Spouses don't have the same views on everything, to begin with. Hopefully they do on major issues that affect their lives together and how they raise any children or deal with extended families, but it doesn't have to extend to agreeing to dislike certain people.

Maybe you are doing this too much? If there's someone in your life who totally frustrated or betrayed you today, then yes, I think your husband should be your sounding board. If there's a major problem with someone (not just that they annoyed you today but something really awful - they got arrested, they said something really racist to your child, they stole your good china...), then yes, of course you share that info and make a decision together about how you will handle crossing paths with that person in the future.

But celebrities? Who cares? There are a few who are so egregious that my husband and I have decided not to see their movies, but that's pretty limited. Family members? His or yours? Neighbors? Again - did they steal your lawnmower or did they just not wave to you? It makes a difference.

Are you sharing so many negative opinions of everyone in your life that you are annoying your husband? Maybe he doesn't have time for gossip - and that's what this is unless someone has done something so horrible that it requires a serious conversation. But how many people could that be? Otherwise, if you're just negative about everyone and listing their faults, then I'd work on that. I'm not sure it's possible to have negative opinions of so many people that it won't spill over into your contacts with them - so perhaps your encounters with them are unpleasant because of the vibes you give off about criticizing or disliking something about them. It's hard to tell from your post how often this is going on.

If you have a husband who doesn't want to hear anything at all that you say, then you have a pretty bad marriage and need to work on that big time.

4 moms found this helpful

T.M.

answers from Las Vegas on

Some men dont like to get involved in "gossip".
I'd say he sounds bored hearing about other peoples business.
Maybe keep up with current events so you have deeper things to talk about rather that talking about others. Usually we all have a girlfriends we can do all that gossip chat with.
Mine will listen to me yack on about someone, but he'll usually have a lame statement like "why do you care about that?". LOL

3 moms found this helpful

A.W.

answers from Kalamazoo on

Maybe he feels like you're being too negative in your people bashing........Me and hubs talk about everything and this sometimes includes other people, but in my life in general I try not to speak too ill of others. Perhaps he's feeling like that too.

2 moms found this helpful

W.W.

answers from Washington DC on

E.

Welcome back to mamapedia.

My husband and I share opinions about people - we typically don't gossip. I don't try to turn him against other people with my negative or hateful words

When I'm angry with my boss - I share with him and he listens.

2 moms found this helpful
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M.G.

answers from Portland on

I think my husband only said that once to me, and it was in regards to a toxic friendship I had - and it was time I let it go. It was my fault really - not the friend's. I don't know why I was holding on to it. I would complain to him, and not do anything about it. He just didn't want to hear it.

So maybe your husband is trying to tell you something. I don't know.

It's not a very attractive trait (*in me, I mean - to speak negatively of a friend of mine, so it was time to realize we had grown apart).

I like what Anne says.

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

My husband is my best friend and my sounding board, if I need to vent he is always there to listen.

2 moms found this helpful
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E.A.

answers from Erie on

My husband and I are in the public eye, we're in a business that lends itself to knowing other people's business, both personal and professional, good and bad. We share pretty much all of our opinions with each other, I can honestly say he is my best friend. But. There are people we disagree about, mostly concerning how they treat their spouses, with the understanding that you can't judge anyone's marriage but your own. He had one friend that I know cheats on his wife, pretty much always has. I don't like him for this and other reasons, but I can't tell my husband not to socialize with him, for instance. There are others who have wronged me in some minor way, so I don't speak to them anymore, he knows this and either actively avoids them, acts cool to them, or sometimes will actually talk to them so I can walk away in social situations. His public reputation is more important than mine, so we usually handle these situations in a way that won't make him look bad. I'm well known to speak my mind and be less forgiving, he's a roll-with-the-punches type.
The only times he's ever been irritated with me complaining about someone is when we don't agree with the seriousness of the offense. That's rare, but it's happened, and usually he lets me spout off until I can let it go and then we drop it. It kinda sounds like you can't drop it and that's what your husband is upset about.

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N.Z.

answers from Los Angeles on

I tell my husband almost everything and vice versa. Yes, it means we say things that are not so nice about others.

With a full-time job that allows me to work at home three days a week and having to care for two kids with no help from anyone other than my husband, sometimes I go days without having anyone to talk to (other than a quick "hi," "bye," or "how are you?). So if I didn't get to talk or vent to my husband, I'd go nuts! Even if I had the time to talk to others, I would still expect my husband to listen to what I had to say and he would expect the same from me.

I find it a bit odd that your husband is placing such a restriction on you.

1 mom found this helpful
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H.M.

answers from Dallas on

My husband and I will defiantly share our thoughts about others with each other. I wouldn't want to be with someone that I can say WHAT EVER is on my mind. But that's just me. And we share most of the same opinions on things so its nice.

1 mom found this helpful

L.U.

answers from Seattle on

My husband and I do not share the same views in all of our life. Sometimes he thinks I am wrong, sometimes I think he is wrong.
That being said, we talk about people in our life. Good, bad, ugly, and everything in between.

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E.N.

answers from Orlando on

It doesn't seem like you have a good marriage. Maybe you should try to work on that?

1 mom found this helpful
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D..

answers from Miami on

What? Everyone else's views are "kind of wrong"? Are you really that narrow? No wonder your husband doesn't want to hear all your gossip. You're judgmental and he's sick of it. It makes you look bad to him, and you should just stop.

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