Do You Let Your Kids Question Your Judgment/ Actions? Publicly?

If I don't explain my behavior, how will my daughter know how my mind works? How will she discover critical thinking skills and learn to question her own behavior?

I think much of this might depend on "tone". My daughter can ask me just about anything. Sometimes she gets "that was an adult decision and I can tell you we both still love you and although you were not involved in the decision I understand you have felt the impact", but unless her tone is sassy, I'll answer anything she asks.

But my parenting style is to TEACH her what to do. Not simply lay down the law and breed a follower.

Every so often I pull out the, because I'm the mom and there are different rules for adults (drinking wine, for example) but these times are few and far between. And, really, even with the wine example.... I can talk about brain development, advanced judgement capability etc.

I would take it as an honest question and answer. I don't think Id every discipline my child for asking a question unless it was rude and this doesnt seem rude in the least

Yes and no;). I responded in a vlog;). It all comes down to why you are answering. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHIXADVofuo

Asking why isn't questioning her choices. Her mom usually wears shoes at other people's homes, she only wondered why her mom didn't. Curiosity is not insubordination.

What if the child was concerned she has somehow broken some rule of the home?

I don't actually see how you took this as questioning judgement. It isn't a judgement call to take your shoes off when someone tells you to.

Questioning judgment would be when my daughter asked why I make her wear a helmet on the bike trails when I don't. In that case it was good that she questioned it because my actions made no sense.

See saying why didn't you have your shoes on earlier is read as earlier in the day. Mom is slow would be why didn't you PUT your shoes on earlier. See it was just a case of bad grammar. :)

I'm with your friend. It doesn't sound like the child was "judging" the parent but asking a simple question that she answered. I think you're reading waaaaayyyy too much into this.

sure. i don't think questions and answers mean challenge and judgement. but even if they did, my main concern is courtesy. a child asking for an explanation, so long as it's done politely, is gathering information about her world. i think that's a good thing.
khairete
S.

Of course you owe your kindergartner an explanation. As her mother, you're there to teach her about how the world works and why we do the things we do. Even if it's as simple as why you take your shoes off in a certain room. When a kindergartner asks me a question, I ALWAYS answer, to the best of my ability. Five year olds don't know a lot about the world and they only way they can learn, is to ASK questions. About everything.

When a teenager asks me a question about what I'm doing, I will usually answer, depending on the tone of the question. If asked with genuine curiosity I don't mind explaining my thought process about why I decided to do something a certain way. However if it's asked in a sarcastically-snotty manner, they can take that attitude to their bedroom and sit on it.

I think parents make a BIG mistake when children aren't allowed to ask questions. And there IS a difference between a question and a challenge. If she had challenged her she would have said something like, "Why didn't you have your shoes on in the playroom? It's against the rules. I get in trouble for breaking the rules. Why aren't you in trouble?"

Children NEED to ask honest questions. They need to know "why" for very simple things. They need to see the differences in the world around them. Especially, between why adults do things children can't. They need to build intelligence and boundaries this way. Questions are GOOD. Sure she should explain her behavior!! Kids need to hear and see why adults do certain things. There is only a problem, when a child challenge that behavior and use it as a bargaining chip. Nothing of which, her daughter was doing.

You've read too much into this, in my opinion. Her daughter was nowhere near out of line.

I grew up in a family where we weren't to question things and you know where it got me - in a state where I never wanted to talk to them about anything personal......even as an adult I pick and choose what is shared with them b/c I feel I'll be judged or whatnot. I think allowing curiousity opens the lines of communication.

Was the tone wrong?

If there was some sass to it, or some attitude behind it, then I would wonder the same thing. However, if it was an honest question that the child had with no 'tude, then there's nothing wrong with that.

If I come in the door and throw my jacket on the couch and leave my shoes in the middle of the floor my daughter will say, "Mommy, why didn't you put your stuff away?" I would say, "Because I was in a rush," and I would get up and put my things away. Not because my daughter runs the show, but because I believe in setting an example. She has to put her stuff away, so do as well.

BUT if my daughter were to say to me, "Are we going to the park or what," with a healthy does of sass and disrespect then I'm not answering anything, and odds are, someone would be in trouble.

It's not about the question, it's the tone. In my opinion.

I encourage my son to ask questions. Curiosity is wonderful -- it's a key building block of intelligence -- and I'd never want him to mindlessly submit to authority. I might make an exception for deliberately smart-alecky or manipulative questions, but otherwise I'm like, ask away!

Maybe I'm missing something?
She noticed her mom wasn't wearing her shoes, and asked about it and you felt the need to question the mother over THAT?

Again--like I said, I've read your post twice, but I'm not seeing an issue...

Maybe they don't have a "no shoe" policy at their house and it was odd for the kid to see her mom without shoes?

Now, I think everyone would agree that on some adult topics, we don't need to "explain" decisions or actions to children--things they can't comprehend or understand at 5, certainly. But "why weren't you wearing shoes?" kind of needs an answer--odd little question that it is!

Depends on if he's asking out of disrespect or curiosity. What I DON'T allow is when he asks for something, I say "no" and then to ask "why?" <--- that's just sass... But as far as why I had my shoes off, that seems like an issue of curiosity, trying to figure out why I make certain choices, so that he will be equipped to make them himself.

My son asks all the time, why I'm using a basket instead of a cart, why we use canvass bags instead of the ones they give you at the market, why we don't wear shoes in our house, why I change the sheets , it goes on. I like those questions.

And seriously, if my choices can't stand up to the scrutiny of a 6 year old, maybe they aren't the choices I should be making!

If it's curiousity, I see no problem answering. In that case, it's not justifying, it's explaining.

She just sound curious.

I cannot figure out how this could have been taken negatively,

If DD wasn't sassy about it, then I'd say something simple like, "I had to run back in the house to get something." I don't think everything needs a big explanation but sometimes a kid just wants to know why something is so. "How come you get...." is different than, "How did you make...?" or "Why didn't you wear shoes when....?" And sometimes, the kid is right. "You're right. I could have hurt my feet." A question is not always a challenge to authority.

Further, never being able to ask can sometimes lead to "I never knew my child was so depressed/into drugs/etc." Sometimes you need to let them ask and answer honestly. "Dad, did you try pot when you were my age?" Conversations like that are important. And some of them start back with "Dad, why aren't you wearing shoes?"

I encourage my children to ask questions. How else will they learn/understand? And how else will they think out of the box unless they have that kind of knowledge. I tend to stray away from the just do it because I say so. Now, granted, if there's 600 why's in a row, I may get fed up an say "because I said so", but for the most part I'm happy to tell the reasons behind my actions.

It's the same thing in a work environment. I'd be pretty pissed if my boss said "stay and work late and finish this up because I said so". I would feel completely different if he told me his reasoning "this contract expires at 9 pm tonight and if this isn't done the company will lose x amount of dollars"

Even with a sassy "tone", although im not sure how that would work, I don't see this as a big deal. Why can't kids ask simple questions?
I don't see anything wrong with this type of question, I figure they are learning & inquisitive about the world around them & why you make the choices you do.
Adults are not always right & kids should not be afraid to ask questions of anyone.
Questioning my judgement would be ok too, I hope they could learn something about that too. I guess it's all learning opportunities.
Any chance to teach is a good one.

I think if you get to the because I said so answer its not helping anyone.

i wonder if this question (which is borderline, if there was no other sassiness i'm not sure i'd make a big deal of it) is more indicative of the relationship that she has with her daughter in general. i mean where does this tone come from? is she used to addressing her mom like this? while that one comment might be allowed to slide, i think it's unlikely that attitude was a one-time thing.

that said, i'm not even sure i'd know how to address it if it was my child. i might just give a stern look and say, "hey mister, watch your tone, that sounded sassy to me." and then give the explanation. i mean there WAS a legitimate explanation, not that she owes the daughter one. but something tells me there will be plenty of other opportunities (much clearer ones) for correcting this kind of attitude. if it happens again then i would definitely have a discussion about appropriate tone. i have started putting my son in time out if he gets a sassy attitude. there's a time in development where it starts. first it's an experimental comment here or there, then if it's not corrected, it will get worse and more ingrained, just like any other undesirable behavior.

Before reading SWH: It was an innocent question and she was entitled to an answer. What would you have her say "It's none of your business." or just ignor her or what?

She wasn't questioning her judgment or her actions, she was just curious as to why mommy had her shoes off.

After reading SWH: I don't allow my GD to speak to me in a tone like you describe. I would have said something to her about her tone rather than to answer the question.

Kids ask questions.
Adults ask questions.
It is human nature to ask questions.

But it is the "attitude" in which something is said.
Per your example of this girl, it did not seem like this girl had an attitude or bad tone of voice, when she asked the question to her Mom.
So I see nothing wrong with it.

In my kids, I encourage questions.
That is how a child learns, about the world.
My kids, are not sassy brats and they are respectful.
I like to see and hear their thinking process....
And we discuss things.
And I answer their questions... by also giving them my "logic" for it.
So that they learn.
And they do.
My kids are 5 and 9. And they have really good thought processes, they can think on their own, they know how to DISCERN situations and reasoning, and they make choices, not just being a parrot or follower.

It is not about "owing" an explanation to the child.
It is about... teaching them, using real life situations, about the why's and how comes in this world and per situations.

No one HAS to explain their behaviors.
BUT, for me as a Mom... I do, because, it teaches my kids things. Important things. And it is life lessons.

I see nothing wrong, with that girl's question to her Mom.

I think you're hitting on a very fine line. On the one hand you're absolutely right. We need to teach our children to respect us and to respect those in authority. We don't want our kids to be the one who is always pointing out the teacher doing something the students are not allowed to do.

But we do not want to teach our children that adults are above question. We do want our kids to question the behavior of adults when they see something that doesn't feel right.

I think in this situation you have a point. But I hesitate to say kids shouldn't be allowed to question the behavior of adults.

Taking your SWH into account, it sounds to me like the little girl was sassing her mother. I can't for the life of me understand why a mom would respond to sass by justifying her own behavior. You can tell who runs that household - the child. Yikes. My daughters are full of questions, but they know there is hell to pay if they sass me. Being inquisitive (Why is the sky blue? Why do we buy organic milk? Why is the line always so long at the Costco gas station? Who will you vote for?) is encouraged, and I will answer them until they have no more questions on the subject. But that is not the same as sassing a parent (or other adult), and nobody should confuse it as such.

I think it's a woman thing. My husband says I explain way too much to the kids and there is this exchange that is too often and not necessary. So when he says something or does something, the kids don't even question him about it but let me do the same dang thing and there is an instant and automatic exchange.

I however have teenagers. My hubby is correct in saying there is way too much exchange for simple things. It is more of a questioning of my authority rather than an actual heartfelt question. The kids do talk to him about many things and it's great but I'm really getting more than a little fatigued with the exchange between me and the boys. I thank God for hubby because when it gets ridiculous or I'm just PMS's I defer them to him and it miraculously vanishes and all is right with the world again.

I don't always answer little kids because sometimes they are out of place in asking what they are asking and when. I try to teach them proper timing and how to politely ask something.

If a child calls a parent on something (or seems to) out of curiosity or childishness ("Why don't you have your shoes on, Mama? You always have your shoes on!"), I don't worry. And I don't usually mind when children ask questions in general.

A child who *demands*, "Why didn't you have your shoes on earlier?" has heard this comment before - perhaps directed toward her, perhaps toward someone else. It's a rude comment, and she needs to be corrected.

It's a good general rule, for children and adults alike, that correcting falls in the department of criticizing, and one criticizes in private, not in public. But what little ears hear (times enough, or impressively enough), their mouths will repeat.

Well, I wish I had not explained everything to our only child. We were trying to teach her how to think rationally and make good choices.

To older people it seems like she is rude and inappropriate at times.
If there is a tone, we tell her "I am the adult." We are struggling for her to understand that means to drop it.

Unless she was doing strictly for the sake of being annoying, I didn't have a problem with it.