Do You Ever Tell Other Moms What You Hear About Their Kids (Teens)?

if it's a close friend that's one thing.

if it's going to result in death and mayhem, that's one thing.

if it's a parent with whom you have a pact that you'll share info that's one thing.

but in this scenario it's really just spreading gossip.

i'd abstain.
khairete
S.

Unless it was a dire emergency (and I mean dire), I'd stay out of it. Unless the mom outright asked you about a specific issue that she already had knowledge of (in otherwords, just looking for verification), I'd stay out of it.

I think I'd be more concerned about the kids your daughter is hanging around with - sounds like a pretty tough crowd. Even if she is making good choices now . . .

The information you are getting from your daughter is hearsay. You nor she knows if it is actually true unless she is involved in the specific actions she is telling you about.

Personally, I would prefer to keep my relationship with my daughter and I would not betray her confidence.

You do not know facts, you do not know how your relationship with your daughter may or may not change if you talk to other parents, you do not know if the other parents know of their daughter's behavior or even if they want to know.

By going to the other parents, you are spreading the hearsay, being a busybody and betraying your daughter's confidence. Hmmm.

I would only break my daughter's confidence and she is fully aware of this IF it was an emergency life or death situation for another teen.

IF what your daughter is telling you about her friends is true, then you should be sure to be educating her on health care, STD's and more because if these are her best friends, she'll eventually join in. Personally, I would steer my daughter to young girls who had more self respect.

I have been in this situation. I did not tell.

I knew the mom very well - and was observing it myself and realized, she just chose to ignore it. Some parents do. It was my teen's body language (uncomfortable) that alerted her to how awkward it had become for my child. She brought that up to me.

Then I just said "Yup" and that's when she realized how bad it was. It ruined our kids' friendship. I didn't add to it. She blamed another child for what had happened, and that was how she kind of handled it.

So there likely won't be much point in you bringing it up. That same child is now involved with a lot worse stuff ... some parents just don't want to know, or don't want to handle it. Not saying that's why all kids get into trouble, but some parents do turn a blind eye.

I have other friends (whose kids are my kids' friends) who say 'tell me if you hear anything' and we have a pact. We talk about what our kids are up to. We are each others' eyes and ears. The kids' (teens) know this. Our teens talk to each other. Some of the dads are coaches, etc. It's kind of a nice group of parents.

It really depends. Some parents look out for each others' kids and the teens know this.

But if you don't know them very well (like close friends) and don't have that level of trust, etc. I would not personally.

This is a tough one for parents. As B says, parents don’t want to know sometimes – they think their kid is great, and any deviations are some other kid’s bad influence. And some parents – and I’m not saying you are one of them – think their teens are still their 8 yo kids who tell them everything, and they just aren’t. So, ask yourself a few things:

- Why is my kid telling me these things? What’s in it for her? Am I really so essential to her daily life, or is she perhaps learning to manipulate me by focusing on other kids and not her? Why do I think the way I think?
- Why are these kids talking about this? What do they hope to gain by telling my daughter their exploits? And how much is my daughter hearing from them, and how much is what she’s hearing ABOUT them? How do I help my child navigate the world of gossip? (And yes, it’s gossip even if it’s true.)
- How can I sort out (and help her establish) priorities? While shoplifting is not admirable, it’s not life threatening. So can I let that go? Vaping? Is this even covered in the health class? Can I contact the School Resource Officer (if there is one) to discuss and learn more? (Yes, school is out for the summer, but the SRO is a local cop and so is available.) Drinking? What are the obligations of the people from whom she obtains the liquor? What are the dangers of kids drinking, going to sleep, driving? How will I handle this in my own home? How should my daughter handle it? Do we have a code word so she can get out of uncomfortable or risky situations without saying, “Mom, come get me?” Do we have a drug/drink contract? Should we?
- Should my focus be more on my own kid and the choices she makes, rather than on the other kids if a) my talking to the parents will not be well received and b) if it will get out that my child is the one talking? Will that damage my relationship with my daughter and her willingness to come to me if things aren’t confidential?

How you handle this will have repercussions for years. Also ask yourself, what would your reaction be if someone came to you to report something on your daughter? Would you say, “Thank you for letting me know” or would you say, “That’s not possible”??? These are discussions to have with your spouse, and then with your daughter.

I can't see any way for you to share this information without it being clear that your daughter was the source, so that will be the end of those friendships. Another issue is that all you can tell the mothers is 'my daughter says your daughter said she shoplifted/drinks/is having sex.' It is third hand information, so highly questionable and not very useful to the parents. So unfortunately, it's hard to see how a conversation will be helpful. Maybe you can ask your daughter what she says to them when they tell her these things? At least she could indicate to them that she thinks those activities are really harmful.

Now, as B said, you can have a productive conversation with your daughter about what she thinks about their statements. Whether or not they did do those things, the fact that they think it's something to brag about is worrisome in itself.

This is tough because if I were the other mom, I would want someone to tell me! But I also understand why most wouldn't tell, especially when you aren't really good friends with the other parent.

I think it's best to concentrate on your own kid. How does she handle it when her friends talk about these things? What would she do if she goes out with a boy who expects her to have sex because her friends do? Does she think her friends are making good choices? If not, how can she make sure that she's not pressured into making poor choices when she's with them? Has she seen or heard the girls say these things, or is this gossip? If she hasn't heard it first-hand, is she contributing to spreading mean gossip (listening to others gossip without trying to shut it down is contributing)?

I'd like to think you could tell the other moms about things that are life threatening.
The thing is - there's a very good chance they won't believe you.
First thing a parent will do as a defense mechanism is be all 'not MY kid' and then they'll move right on in to full blown denial.
After that - you will no longer be able to make any small talk with them - and your daughters friends will start avoiding her.
No one will thank you for sharing.

So - unfortunately - you should keep your info to yourself.
Do have some conversations with your daughter about what she thinks about her friends doing these things.
She should probably think about making some new friends if her values and theirs really start diverging by a whole lot.

This one really hit home with me. A couple months ago, my teen DD shared that one of her friends had sex with multiple random guys. I was close friends with this girl's mom. Note I said "was". I decided to tell her mom because I was concerned about her safety. Her mom immediately told me my daughter was a liar and that I was a horrible person for believing her. Her friend denied everything (in ways that I could see right though based on details I knew) and she and my DD are no longer friends. My "friend" told me to take a hike and not to come back until I was ready to admit that my daughter was a liar. I cannot do that as I truly believe my daughter. I apologized for getting involved and her mom said she would have wanted to know these things if they were true but they are not. I am actually glad that my dd is no longer friends with this girl but I am sad that I lost a friend. I found out about 2 weeks after the incident that this girl told another one of my daughter's friends that she had done these things as well - so at least I feel confident that my daughter is not lying.

All this being said, I think I would do it again given that this was a close friend of mine and I truly cared for her daughter's well being. If I wasn't close with the mom, I wouldn't get involved.

Have you considered that your daughter knows these things because she's been with them when they have done these things? Perhaps she's asking for help to get away from these friends and/or reinforcement for not getting involved with drugs.

i would encourage my daughter to find other friends to hang out with.

I would want to know....