Do You Choose Friends or Family?

I will go with whatever activity we accepted first. So if I RSVPed to a party but got invited to another, I go to the first. There are some exceptions, like if it was a close family member and we would not be missed to much at the first party. We have been known to party hop as to make everyone happy.

I grew up in SC, all my family lived in utah (outside my immediate family and one aunt)... My family are like strangers and a lot of them are stuck up and when we all get together will barely give me the time of day. I would choose friends over them. I have friends that are like family. I wouldn't choose friends over my mom, dad, brother. 8 and 3 are a big age difference so it's reasonable on the kid's part why they would've chose another party, plus they may have been close with the person's child throwing the party and had bad rep at school or something (not an excuse, but just a reason). It's not overreacting to be upset about that, but it happens. She reminds me of own of my aunts, we just stop trying to make plans with her because she always canceled or had some reason they couldn't come.

I agree. You get O. family. Sometimes you might compromise a little, but that's just not right what they did! If they would have kept their moths shut--same result, less hard feelings would have been produced. Geez.

Setting aside whether or not she forgot for the moment...

The girls are 8 and your son is 3 turning 4. Those are two MAJOR age differences. Toddler versus solid/ halfway through elementary school. While you may have made a huge effort to create activities for the older kids that your son and HIS friends couldn't play... I'm sure the vast majority of the party is toddler-centered since it's HIS party. The girls would need to be tiptoeing around younger, wobblier, more meltdown prone children that they can't really talk to/play with (you know the difference... and older kid plays at a little kid level FOR them, because the younger kids can't keep up with the big kids), any "fault" is automatically theirs as well as the responsibility (the "you should __________, know better/ be more careful/ be gentle with/ etc), playing 'baby games' and eating 'baby foods'. The adults will all be visiting with each other and chasing their little ones, the toddlers will all be having a blast doing toddler things... and the girls will just be stuck in the middle with no one to play with/ talk to.

While I'm sure they LOVE their baby cousin... a party spent with toddlers versus a party spent with kids their own age that they can actually PLAY with...

The age gap between them and your own is something that undoubtedly widened into a GULF about 2 years ago and is only going to get wider. When your son is their age... they'll be teenagers.

Just a thing to keep in mind.

As is the fact that they're still KIDS (you'll see both how 'old' -aka look back at your son being 4 when he's 8 and get blown away-, as well as how YOUNG they are). Asking them to make an 'adult' choice at age 8 (suck up being bored for a few hours with a smile on your face while all your friends at at a party) is a difficult choice even for ADULTS to make. It's like volunteering to go to a boring lecture for several hours on a subject you're completely uniterested in instead of christmas morning with your kids. On any other day, you might be able to enjoy yourself for awhile (or at least not be furious/miserable/out and out refuse)... but on a day where there is something REALLY important to you? But because they're older they're "expected" to put on a happy face and not be miserable at a choice a grownup wouldn't willingly choose could they skirt it. This is NOTHING against your son. It's just the age gap. No matter who they are and how much he loves them, at age 8 he won't want to be at a toddler party. If his bestie is having a bday, or his team is announcing their end of year gathering... and you made him skip it to go to a toddler party... he'd be crying for days. Justifyably, because he'd be missing out on something important to him to be somewhere he's just window dressing and wouldn't really be involved with.

The other thing to keep in mind (bringing in the 'forgetting') part... as soon as your little one is in school full time, look back at today and requestion whether or not they actually forgot. Weeks are crazy whirlwinds, weekends are craziness in trying to split sports, parties, playdates, family time (nuclear, since you'll mainly only have your son for homework and dinner and bedtime during the week you'll be CRAVING time with him on the weekend and trying to jam it between other obligations), homework, projects, illnesses... toddler years are exhausting, but elementary years make many to most people go crosseyed trying to 'get' everything done and not forget anything.

So the eight year old girls choose to go to a friends party and this is upsetting? My kids love their cousins but they would choose a friends party every time.

Can't wait to see what happens when your son is in school and he wants to invite his friends and not his cousins.

I can understand why you're upset but kind of like I didn't know what it was like to have kids before I had them, I didn't understand what it was like to have OLDER kids until I had them either. Her daughters probably would have been really mad etc at missing their friend's party and being dragged to a "baby" party and the mom is home alone and probably just doesn't want to deal. We all want our kids to be happy - she included. So it's likely not even about what the mom wants. I see that now that my kids are getting older. Hanging out with friends with kids who are much younger is hard. My girls are bored etc. So I'd cut them a little slack and you can also make your own choices going forward for what's best for your immediate family. You shouldn't feel obligated to do things you don't want to for them either. Taking that approach will lessen resentment. And remember this is her family by marriage. It's not her fault you don't have other family around. Your son won't even miss them really and since she has older kids, she understands that. 4 is still quite young and he'll have other friends there so will be running around quite happy. She likely doesn't see them missing it as a big deal.

I hate to say it but just because you invite someone to an event doesn't mean they are obligated to come. I've never invited my brothers to my kid's birthday parties. Grandparents yes, there were no cousins around the same age so not an issue. Your child's birthday is a big deal for your own family but for extended family, well not so much.

I'd say in the future just make your plans, invite them and have fun whether they are there or not.

It sounds like they just have a lot going on, honestly. Having 4 kids is very busy & tiring, in & of itself. Not to mention, their girls are 8, so I'm sure they'd rather go to their friend's party than a little kid party. If it's important to your nieces to go to their friend's party, then I would just accept it for what it is & move on. I'm sure it's h*** o* them to have to pick & choose & let people down. I don't think it's anything personal. It doesn't mean they love you any less.

In the meantime, I would encourage you to help find your son his own friends, so you're not relying on family to fill the void. If you invited his friends, he'd be so ecstatic that he wouldn't even noticed his older cousins are missing.

It's not because of being family. Anybody can be rude. If you invited a friend or a neighbor to a party, and that friend/neighbor were off-again, on-again and even wanted you to change the party date, you would have the same reaction.

I suggest that you and your husband plan your celebrations without thinking you must please everybody on your list. Say, "This is when it happens; we hope you can come." If your relative says, "Oh, I don't know, maybe not," just say, "I'm sorry. We'll miss you. See you soon." Don't hand over the controls.

Maybe you can start to mix friends and family together.

Your family is what it is. Why let them put sadness in your party? Try accepting them as they are and find ways to have a fun time without them at this party.

I choose both family and friends and enjoy my time spent with them whenever they're available. It does hurt when someone chooses spending time with someone else instead of me. I went thru a rough time, feeling rejected and at times unloved because friends seemed to have excuses. With counseling I came to realize that their lives and mine just sometimes didn't co-ordinate very well and that it wasn't anything against me.

I also eventually learned that my irritation, defensiveness made it difficult for them to have as close a relationship with me as I wanted. When I could accept their lack of involvement in a matter of fact way, as just the way it is this time, they spent more time with me.

The fact that your in-laws? made an effort to work it out tells me that they are aware of how disappointed you are and they do want to make you happy. If I were you, I'd tell them that you're pleased that they tried and that celebrating another day will be fine. This will take some of the pressure off all of you. And......I believe that with time you can have a more relaxed relationship based on mutual love and respect instead of who does what when.

When I was growing up, we couldn't even go to non-family events. So friends would have to come to a family gathering if we wanted to spend time outside of school. Most of my nieces and nephews are grown now, and they always choose friends over family. I started to take things personal when they wouldn't fuss over my children's parties, but now I think back and this is how I would have wanted it growing up. I hope you can come to terms with it to, since we can't force anyone to love our children. Hope the celebration is a great one. :)

My entire family lives in another state. It's just me. And my husband has his mom and his brother & wife & 3 kids. The wife on the other hand has a huge family nearby and they seem to have huge get togethers for everything. When we have family events and they choose her family instead, that leaves us with just grandma showing up. Not much of a family get together! So, yeah, I know how you feel.
We have a great group of really close friends and I generally do everything with them instead.
You can pick your friends, but not your family - so pick wisely and cherish them!
Good luck!

It sounds like your SIL would rather spend time with friends than family, which is fine but she really needs to honor the first invite she accepted. Changing her plans then asking YOU to change the plans so her kids can go to another party is rude- no matter who they are.

They are (in a rude and passive way) sending you a message... your family isn't a priority. I would respond with "I'm sorry you won't be here to celebrate." and stick with your original plan.

Just a thought... invite a few of YOUR friends to attend the party with their kids! Make it fun for you and your son. The 8 year olds would absolutely rather attend a friend's party than their "baby cousin" and it sounds like their mother doesn't want to deal with the fallout of two annoyed kids.

You are hurt b/c your priority isn't theirs. We deal with this all the time with my in-laws. My son LIVES for his uncle, who is perpetually too busy to see him, but will come over if I "hound" him about it. We're actually celebrating his birthday with the family a week after his birthday b/c everyone is "busy" this weekend... even though May 29th has been his birthday for the last three years!

Oh well- we're celebrating next weekend with whomever wants to be there. The others can pound salt and know that they are missing-out on getting to know a great kid!

I don't think it's a matter of choosing family or friends, it's a matter of reacting to specific individuals and behaviors.

My kids grew up in the same town as most of their relatives, on both sides. I can count on one hand the number of times someone from one side came to my 4 kids' birthdays, school concerts, Little League games, recitals... anything at all. Meanwhile, they feel shunned by us because "You never call me." Huh?

On the other side, the relatives attend more often, but, for instance, one grandmother hates crowds and noise, so she stopped attending the grandkids' birthday parties years ago. She does frequently have dinner with them on their birthday.

We also tend to invite a lot of kids for birthdays, and I found out that some moms are offended if you invite someone who isn't a "best friend." They feel you're just looking to get a gift. I was brought up to believe that you should include everyone, especially those outside your close circle, and that it's very rude to exclude someone for not being a "best" friend.

Everyone thinks, feels and reacts differently. Don't take things too personally, or you'll always be angry.

Unfortunately, just because some of us put family ahead of friends, others don't feel the same. Its been my experience that some "family" just can't be counted on. So, in future, just invite them for the sake of family peace, but absolutely DO NOT change your plans to accommodate them! Believe me, at age 4, your child will get over any disappointment over not seeing his cousins very quickly. Eventually you'll find that your kids prefer to celebrate their birthdays with friends rather than family anyway! Good luck!

I have certain friends that are equal to family, but I have certain family that are less than strangers.

In other words, it really depends on the relationship as to whether or not I put out a lot of effort in maintaining it and attending functions they have. Family doesn't automatically trump anyone else, and a closer blood tie doesn't automatically trump a more distant blood tie either. I would attend one of my cousins' events before attending a particular sister-in-law's event because that SIL makes no effort to maintain a relationship with anyone yet expects everyone to bend over backwards for her and her child.

You do fail to consider the possibility that they did have a prior commitment that they accepted before your child's party. I know it sucks but it does happen.

For me there is no line between friends and family. The friends I have around me are friends I have had since elementary school. My best friend I have known each other now for almost twenty years.

My family knows where my friends stand in my life. They know that when it comes to events and what not I go with what was planned first. Unless it is something I feel I can not miss(this doesnt happen often thank goodness)i.e. birth of my nephew over going to the movies.

My kids have two blood aunts...my sisters. An Uncle through marriage and grand parents. For me that is not alot of people surrounding you. When I had my first, I gave everyone a much needed promotion in the standings of ''family'' We now have two not blood uncles who have been there every step of the way for each of my kids. One lives with us. They have two Aunts that are not blood either. My kids dont know the difference at this point and when they are old enough to understand I hope it wont matter. These are people that have dedicated themselves to my kids. They have put in alot of blood sweat and tears over the years with me. Not to mention the extra grand-parents. I am as close with all my besties families as they are with mine. So, if I cant get a hold of my mom to talk too, I can always call one of theirs. A few know more about me then my mom. Just because my mom can sometimes not be as open minded about stuff. She would have some issues with some of the choices I have made along the way...So, I have chosen not to put them on her lap.

Anyways I think it is ok that sometimes you have to side with friends.

Now if she has RSVP'd yes to you a few weeks ago and she says she ''forgot'' and the girls have another party to go too now. I know it is hard to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she did forget. I would not go oout of your way though for now trying to accommodate getting together on a different day. I would only do this if your son seems bummed they didnt make it.

This is a pickle you are in and your feelings of being upset are justified. If someone has set plans or has RSVP'd to something, the right thing to do is follow through. Not everyone sees the importance of this though. Some people feel it is ok to change their mind and dont think of how the other person will feel. Like your sister inlaw. She probably has not even thought about the fact, her not being there with the kids is gonna bum out her nephew.

I know this sounds weird, but although I MISS the opportunity to have "real" family events like so many people have, you have to accept it for what it is and move on. I've got a similar situation as you: my mom is practically agorophobic and won't leave her stupid house in the middle of nowhere. (2 days drive from here). In 6 years, she has visited us twice (less than a week each time, for the birth of each boy) even though we pay her travel, food, all expenses, all fun, ALL of it. We even pay for her neighbor to feed the dogs. She has a standing invite and we will fly her out anytime she wants, and we have just recently given up on begging her to come. We wanted to take her on a family vacation: the plan was that I was going to fly to her, take her shopping and get a week's worth of clothes and a pedicure, then we'd travel together to meet my husband and boys and go on a Disney cruise. We would pay for her private suite, a spa day, and 2 special outings when in port that she would love. She said no. Because she's scared of boats, social settings, music, open spaces, leaving the country, and the unknown. (*sigh). My dad is useless. My Fil was wonderful but died when my eldest was 19 months old. My Mil lives in England and has alzheimers. Occasionally, my brother and I see each other (and I love his family, and he loves mine, but we live on opposite sides of the country)---it is a rare event. Both of my grandmas have passed away and my grandpas are very ill. We have no family for my boys. So, I started getting involved and having coffee with other moms from my (now 4 year old) son's mother's day out program. Started chatting to the moms at his activities (kung fu, awanas, soccer), volunteered to be assistant coach for his soccer team. Joined a mops club. Introduced myself to neighbors. Became great friends with a lady in my Bible study who keeps her 4 year old granddaughter and over time she became an "adopted, honorary" grandma for my boys. In our situation, you make friends with people who have children and develop a little social life for your children and develop a strong immediate family bond and have fun. The boys don't know that there's anything missing. They love my mom and talk to her daily on the phone. We've started skyping with my mom, dad, and mil just so they know they have grandparents out there. It's just not like what I had with my grandma, but it is what it is. I'm glad that friends from his school are coming. To tell the truth, as a younger cousin to an older cousin who was "forced" to be my "friend" when we came to visit, BELIEVE me it will be more pleasant for your child AND the older cousins if they don't have to be "friends" just because they're cousins. That's a really big age difference, on top of gender differences. The mom was wack to back out on short notice, just because she made a commitment, but that's ok. Have a great time without them.

This would totally bug me. Yeah a bit for choosing friends over family. Somethimes it needs to be done. But the biggest kicker is the absolute last minute cancellation. That would irk me. If they told you they had something else a few weeks ago it would stink but I would deal with it. At this point you have probably told your son they are coming so it will be a disappointment for them. Chances are that he still might not notice though with other friends and stuff. My MIL/FIL made me mad for my daughters birthday a few weeks ago. They said they could not go because the two of them planned to go to Disneyland that day. The thing is they have passes and go every week so it was NOT a special occasion. They have yet to acknowledge her bday. In march we went to disneyworld and my MIL was all set on buying the 1 other granddaughter who is 2 and at home a gift and making a big deal in front of my kids. Then to not even come or acknowledge my kids day really made me mad. So I for sure know how you fell. I am not the person that will choose "other" over family. but I guess not everyone is as thoughtful as we are *wink* *wink*

Hello, I would have been mad too. Next time, have a party with his friends and just mention it to the family. If they come, fine, if they don't, fine. Sometimes family is more work than they are worth.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

If you cater to her, she'll expect you to always work your parties around her schedule. Have your party without her and let her miss out on the fun a couple of times. Don't let her see your disappointment. Make the party an absolute blast with whoever shows up, even if it's just you! You're celebrating your son and it's exciting. Make it fun no matter what. If she gets wind that she's missing out on a fun celebration, she'll make sure she doesn't miss anymore. Good luck and congrats mom!!!

They should go to your party & show up late to the other party. Just make sure your son has a great time- everything will be fine :)

I have gone to every single family event. I pick family events over any other. Not all do but I just feel family gatherings are most important. Now my children feel the same way and just hate to miss a family event. I believe your sons birthday is much more important than a friends. It should be just as important to your sister in-law and brother in-law. Even if its just an appearance your showing your family that they are very important people. I used to get very upset if I got a cancellation from family. Unless your sick you best be coming!