Do I Tell My 3 Year Old Her Dad Is Sick

I would definitely tell her in terms she can understand that Daddy has to go in the hospital for an operation to fix him so he will be healthier. Otherwise she will be confused and possibly think it has something to do with her. I hope he has a speedy recovery.

I think that she is old enough to emphathize with her father, and may be comforted by knowing where her daddy is. Just keep it simple, say that daddy has to go to the hospital because he is sick and the doctors have to help him get better. But, they only let little children visit when they are ready because the doctors are working very hard to help daddy, and when they say that they are ready for daddy to have visitors, then you will take her. When she asks why you can go and not her, tell her that the doctors need to ask you grown up questions about daddy so that they can help him.

We just went through this in January. My sister-in-law, who my 4 yr old daughter adores(probably more than mommy and daddy) ended up in the hospital with an aortic anuerism(elongated and torn and internal bleeding.) She is only 25 years old. the doctors gave her no chance of survival without surgery and about a 60% chance with surgery-they were replacing her aorta. Needless to say it was extremely difficult for us.

We told my daughter that her heart was sick and that the doctors needed to fix it. We also told her that she was going to have a lot oftubes around her to make her feel better. My SIL ended up being there for about a month in ICU. They let my daughter see her because they didn't know if she was going to make it.

Surprisingly enough, my daughter reacted well and it actually helped my SIL to see her. Thankfully my SIL has recovered. Kids have a way of dealing with things, more so than we give credit to them. We are also christian and we prayed for my SIL.

I hope this helps....like someone else said...honesty is always the best way. Kids perception of time is a little different, so just let her know we'll have a birthday party when daddy is feeling better. When she gets older, she'll have the pictures of daddy and mommy at her party...she won't remember exactly what date it took place! God bless you!

When my daughter was 3, my husband was suddenly taken ill with a rare infection and spent 9 days in ICU and 3 weeks in hospital. I found it very important to tell her that he was ill and in hospital, and that very good doctors were doing all they could to make him better. I just tried to be as reassuring as possible. I though it better to tell her what was happening as kids always pick up when something is different/wrong and can become very scared if they don't get a clear answer from you about what's going on.
I didn't take her in to see her dad when he was in ICU as I felt it would be too frightening - he was on assisted breathing and has all sorts of tubes and wires poking out of him. But after he was on a general ward I took her in. I signalled to him that she was coming and he took his oxygen mask off so that her first sight of him was as "normal" as possible. She was actually quite matter of fact about it all, and I think it did them both good to see each other. I took her in every day after that.
He's fine now, and I don't think my daughter was too upset by it all (she's 8 now).
Very best of luck to you and your husband

Hi J.,

Wishing your husband a successful surgery and smooth recovery.

When I had cancer, my youngest child was 3 years old. We didn't tell him that I had cancer, since he would not understand what that is. We did tell him that I would be having an operation, that I'd be in the hospital about five days. I did not opt for him to visit me and see me in that condition. I did leave cards and gifts for him at home for each day (and for my daughter, too). The hospital would have allowed the kids to visit if I had chosen to have them there - each hospital can make their own policy so the only way you will know if she's allowed to visit is to ask at the hospital where the surgery will be done.

Good luck!

Sorry to hear your husband needs heart surgery and hope he does well...

Both you and your husband should tell your child together that Daddy is sick and is going to the hospital for a week where they will help him get better. If she asks any questions, keep the answers simple and honest without going into a lot detail.
Ask the hospital what their rules are about bringing children to visit. If it's possible...When he's a bit more adjusted and out of icu bring her to see him. Ask her to draw him a picture to bring along or perhaps she might want to give him one of her stuffed animals to keep him company. If he has a phone in his room, call and let them talk to each other as well.

Take one day at a time and try to think positive....

Kids are really smart and aware of what's going on. You should tell her that her daddy is sick and will need surgery. I suggest you to have a teddy bear. Explain that daddy's heart is hurting and will need to be fix. And then have her help you put a bandage on where the teddy bear's heart is. You can also explain where her daddy will be. Just give her simple information unless she ask more. You'll need to ask the hospital what's the policy for bring younger children to the ICU. I wish you the best luck and hope all is well with the surgery for your husband.

Anyone who is old enough to love is old enough to grieve.

If you understand this concept, it will guide your decisions. Obviously and God willing your husband will do well with his surgery, but even the loss of his presence for a few days will be felt by your daughter. The point is not whether or not she will grasp the deeper concepts, but respecting her feelings and needs as a human being, albeit a young one. It will build at a foundation of honesty and trust between you. Just because she lacks the emotional language and ability to conceptualize certain things does not mean she won't 'notice' something is off and have feelings about it.

That is my complete position on it. FYI, Nancy Boyd Webb is a respected expert in children and feelings and I've studied under her as I am a therapist. Should you need or want to, feel free to look up books by her. If you decide to tell your daughter and want some more input on how to go about it, feel free to ask. But it seems to me you're on the right track by phrasing it as "sick" and just altogether a wise and insightful enough mom to ask the question of yourself and others as to informing your daughter. Best wishes. -N.

Yes you should tell her becuase with such a surgery you never know what may happen. Just tell her in her language of what she can understand.Tell her like daddys heart is sick and the Dr.'s are going to try to help daddy,so he will have togo to the hospital. Most hospitals with the type of surgery your husband is having will allow their young children to visit.Also tell your daughter that we will have a big birthday party when daddy comes home so daddy will be at the party.Good Luck and Best Wishes.

I would always be honest, don't scare her but YES, tell her daddy is sick and the doctors are going to try and fix his heart...and yes, if they let you take her to see him do, for both of them...she will miss her daddy and he will be lifted up by her being there...when my niece had openheart surgery 2 summers ago I explained what was happening and then the boys and I went to build a bear and made her a frog(she loves reptiles and it was as close as we could get)and we dressed it in scrubs and put a voice message in it...she took it with her to the hospital and to this day loves it...You can focus more on the good part(that daddy will feel better and make him lots of cards and pictures)and it really shouldn't be too scarey for her...and have her birthday cake early with daddy and do something special on her actual birthday as well she'll be thrilled to have 2 birthdays! Goodluck, I am sorry your family is going through this but focus on the good and before you know it he will be home!

Sorry to hear about your husband being sick and what timeing. I would definitly make a book with a story about what is happening. Even at age 3 the biggest fear is the fear of the unknown. This way anyone taking care of her will also know the words to use when talking with her. I would stary with a family photo. Then on page 2 put mommy picture and a line that Mommy loves ..very much and she loves daddy too.
Next a picture of daddy or the 2 of them. Another line telling how much daddy loves her ahd maybe a special line if he has one...I love you a bushell and a peck is one we used when the kids were small...
Daddy has to go to the hospital and get his heart fixed. I would again take a photo of the hospital. He will need mommy to take care of him sometimes at the hospital. This will help explain where you are too.
Daddy will come home from the hospital in a few days. You could put boxes for daddy to stay there or stars...some way to count down when he will be home again. If things change you can always add a page or 2 telling the story change. End the book with a family photo again, or just dad...when his doctor says it is ok he will come home again. Daddy will need to rest when he gets home until he feels all better.

While he is at the hospital or even before he goes have her draw a picture for daddy to take with him. Then you can tell her daddy has your picture in his room....if she is going to visit him and there are tubes and things he is wearing please try to explain to her what these things are before you go in so she is not frightened. This will save you bad dreams etc...'sometimes getting her a stuffed animal she can take care of will help or gettting her a fisher price doctor kit so she can help take care of dad when he gets home.
Have everyone know the words you are using with her. Keep the details simple but true. This way she will never think that what happens to dad was her doing..
Good luck. Kids do best when they know what is going on and what the plan for the future is.
Hope all goes great!
K.

You've got some great advise already. My father has had open heart surgery several times so I know the recovery period. I'd say don't bring your daughter to the hospital for a visit. Your hubby will be so drained from the procedure that he will really need the rest.

Have her draw pictures or make cards for her dad and once he's feeling a little better they can talk on the phone. Make sure you talk with her about what happens when dad comes home so that she isn't expecting to get piggy back rides or wrestle on the floor etc.

Hi Juile,

Of course you tell your little girl that daddy is sick. There is something wrong with Daddy's heart and the doctor is going to fix it. There are hospitals that let little ones in the ICU because that helps the patient as well as the child. It will also help releive some of the stress of your husband as well. Children understand more than we think. I have a 3 1/2 year old grandson and his other grandmother had a heart attack, and he understands more than I thought he could. They are very well intuned to what is going on around them. I wish your husband a speedy recovery.

My husband was just recently in the hospital for a week. It started as him having a heart attack but when we left today they came to the conclusion that he had a viral infection that made his heart stop imitating a heart attack. My son is only 2 so he didn't really know what was going on but once he got out of the ICU I was able to bring my son in to see my husband but he also had a private room. My son was a little weirded out and it took him some time to warm up to my husband but eventually my son got use to his father and they had a good visit. Good luck with your husband. Have a lot of family support for your daughter because it is important that you are there for your husband and let everyone else worry about your daughter. It will make this experience a lot easier. I hope that helped.

Best of luck to your husband for a speedy recovery! I'd recommend age-appropriate/child-appropriate disclosure--meaning something she can understand at her age and her maturity level within her age. Daddy is staying in the hospital so the doctors and nurses can help him get better and we're going to visit him there the first chance we can. And he'll come home first chance he can when they say it's OK. And then we'll take care of him at home while he's getting better. If she asks about what's wrong to fix, I would tell my child that his heart needs some fixing so they are going to do that for him. Something along those lines? It's even OK to say you worry 'cause that's one of the things you do when you love someone.

I've learned through personal experience that it was well worth it to keep them in the know to an appropriate degree, make them feel part of it all, and that it helps them cope with the stress the kids can feel in the house no matter how you try to hide it.

My prayers to you all.

I think that you need to see how it goes- it is important that you are honest and clear at your child's level about what is happening - perhaps you could tell her that he needs to be in hospital for a special operation then he will be home and she can help look after him - then focus on a plan of things you can do in preparation for his return - baking, making cards, making him a special seat area etc. you know your child better than anyone, she will be perceptive to your stress so you need to put your energy into looking after you two this next week. Answer her questions but make try to move her on to thinking about him being home. don't give yourself so much of a hard time over it - you are a mommy and will do instinctively what it is right for your family.

J.: I believe the best thing to do is be as open and honest with your little girl, in this circumstance and with every circumstance to follow in years ahead. She is not too young. Kids definately sense when things are not right and you are stressed. They may not say so, but they do. Be brief and positive and definately bring her to visit her Daddy when you are able to. Have your husband call her on the phone so she knows everything is OK. Try to keep things as normal as possible, especially concerning her birthday. Try to keep her busy. If you are unable to, maybe relatives can help you with that. My husband had a heart transplant when my daughter was a year and a half and my son was 5. We all dealt with and managed to get through it all the best we could. We were in the middle of moving on top of it all. I know it is difficult to hide or hold in your feelings. There were many nights after the kids were in bed when I broke down. Be strong for your daughter and your husband. Good luck to you and your family. K. S.

J.,
i dont think that i would try to completely explain as she is not going to really understand because of her age. you amy want to tell her that her daddy's heart is hurt and he needs to go to the doctors and get it fixed. you can also tell her that he is going to have to stay at the doctors for a few day to make sure they fixed it. you can also have her color a pictures for dady to take with him. my mom just recently passed away from her 10 year battle of breast cancer and we did not hide the fact that she was sick from my children (we have 5), my oldest will be 10 in july and she has been apart of my mom's treatments from almost day 1, we were very honest and open with her as she got older and she knew that the day would come that the cancer was going to win the battle and nana would not anymore. my youngest is to young for anything, she just turned 1 and my other 3 (ages 3, 4 1/2, and almost 6) all no that nana had cancer, that cancer makes you sick and you have to take special medicine. we have had to answer the question "why did the medicaine not make nane better" as well as many other questions that are not easy to answer and explain to young children. we also have explained to them that just because you are sick does not meanthat you are going to end up in heaven, we do not want them to be afraid that they are going to die if they get a cold. My husband and i feel that it is important to explain things to them as they are taking place instead of after the fact.

It is a very tough situation to be in and I hope this helps. Hope everything turns out well for your husband and i will keep him in my thoughts and prayers. I have an uncle that recently had a quad bipass and he says he never has felt better.

E. s

I was going to respond, but just read Dania D.'s post. I completely agree with her. Great advice!

Thank you for this thread and suggestions.

I am going in for surgery in 2 weeks and have never left my 2 year old. I think the calendar is a great idea. Daddy can mark off the days that I will be in the hospital and then explain that I need to rest when I get home.

To echo, of course you tell her in words she will understand.

In reference to her birthday, she is old enough to have an inkling that it is coming (and some relatives or friends may even send packages which are hard to hide)though you could have a special event scheduled a month or so after surgery where she could have a special day with her father when he may have a little more energy.

Good luck! You and your family are in my thoughts.

Hi J.,

I'm sorry to hear your husband is having this surgery. I hope you are OK.. and yes, you need to tell your daughter the truth. (Dania's advice about explaining everything is great.)

One thing I can offer... is to make a calender. I had several surgeries when my kids were young. I bought a calender with big spaces, and drew pictures, (Mommy in the car waving bye, Mommy in a bed in the hospital, Mommy with doctors who had masks on, Mommy in bed with flowers, and finally Mommy back in the car coming home. We added a couple of days with Mommy in bed at home, with the girls with me) My husband and I explained all the days' pictures, and my husband was able to answer the "when is Mommy coming home" questions with the help of the calender.

It really helped them to have a visual image of the passage of time, ( also we referred to the days as "wake-ups) and I'd be home after so many wake-ups. You might want to add several "in hospital" days to the expected coming home... just in case. It's better for Daddy to get home earlier than expected, rather than later.

Basic explanations of truth, and the visual of the calender should help. ( the calender works for business trips too)

again, remember to take care of yourself too... It's a stressful time for both you and your daughter, and I hope your husband has a speedy recovery.

Val

1.Of course, you should tell her. It's her father.
2.You just need to ask hospital if they allow your daughter or not.
3.About her birthday, do what you can do. Is she even aware of her birthday? Does she know her birthday coming? If she doesn't know, I would do when things are settled.You need to focus on what's most important.

Yes, tell her he is sick. I wouldn't try to get in to specific details, but when she asks questions give her correct answers you are comfortable with, but don't lie to her. She has most likely picked up on all of the stress in your house, including her will help her understand that she is not part of the problem. As for visiting in the hospital that is your call. Ask the hospital about the policy and then discuss it with her (the library should have books about hospitals and reading stories is a good way to prompt a discussion). For instance my 3 year old (almost 4) son has no problem visiting someone when they are in bed, he is very comfortable with the idea. My 22 month old daughter does not like to see anyone in bed she is not comfortable, so for her it wouldn't be a good idea.

I wish you well. I hope your husband has a speedy and smooth recovery.
Good Luck

Yes, I would tell her "Daddy is sick and he needs to go to the hospital for awhile so the doctors and nurses can make him all better".

She'll be wondering where he is, and when he comes home he won't be the same for awhile. She'll need a simple explaination.

I hope all goes well.

The just had the same thing happen with my father in-law. My kids were 2 and 3 years old. So I explain that when they are not feeling good we go to see the doctor and she makes them feel better. Then I told them well grandpa heart hurts and it not feeling good so he going to see the doctor and they are going to fix it and make him feel better. But he is going to have to stay in the hospital for a couple of days to make sure that he is feel better and when he gets home he can play with them with nothing hurting. They took it well and understood. About the visit I don’t think why they would let the kids in. I bought the kids to see him every night. Now a little advises on the birthday pick up a cupcake and go visit him sing happy birthday and let her know that you will have a party when daddy gets out.

yes on all accounts. children are very perceptive, and being three her imagination is able to just run wild with her. i would prepare her for a few days and then while he is in take her to see him as much as possible. they may even let her in while he is in icu. check with the hospital's guidelines for visitation before he goes in. While he is in you could get her some pages to color for him to hang in his room. you could actually have her color a couple before he goes in. T.

This is a hard one...but first I would like to say good luck and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

I guess my policy is that honesty is always best. I wouldn't go into details with your daughter but I would explain to her that daddy is sick and that he has to stay with the doctors for a week to get better.

I know that every hospital is different on visitation policies for children so I would check directly with them and I would also wait to see what your husband feels like before telling your daughter she can go visit. You do not want her to be scared if there are any machines, IVs, etc in the room and also if he isn't up to visitors and having her sit next to him it might be more upsetting than not seeing him for a week.
Good luck, I hope this helps.
J.

Explain to her where Daddy is so she dosen't freak out. Most Hospital allow children to visit. But I would wait until he's on a regular unit floor, so she dosen't get scared . You so wait to celebrate her Birthday once Dad is home. My prayer are with you.

Hi J., First, I will say a prayer that all goes well with your husband's surgery. I believe honesty is always best. You know your child. She may be old enough to handle, daddy is sick and is going to the hospital to get better. After you have visited alone you can decide if it is OK for her to go. I realize that as a nurse you know so much. Keep it simple and follow your heart. My best wishes, Grandma Mary

Yes!!!! Keep it simple and to the point. Tell her Daddy has to go to the hospital and will be there a couple of days but we will go see him. Then when she goes make a fun time of it. Have her make pictures, hand prints whatever for Daddy and get a balloon or stuffed animal for her to take. Also ask the nurses ahaid of time to turn the beeping down or off on monitors so they don't scare her. Also you could have a gift for her at the hospital that Daddy can give her. Go slow and follow her cues. A.

Be careful about saying Daddy's "Sick"...I did the same thing with my children when both their grandparents were "sick" and unfortunately they both Died. I then had to explain, or try to, death...So my children thought that when you get "sick" you die...They associate "sick" with "Death"...God forbid this happening in your situation. I now think I should have chosen a different way to tell them.

Maybe try something like "Daddy's going into the Hospital to get his Heart fixed". Have them make Get Well Cards in the shape of a Heart, get creative, try to take the attention away from the problem and direct it to the fun, the homecoming and the Birthday celebration!

Several Mothers had some really good advice! I wish you and your family the very best, my prayers are definitely with you...CC

Frst J.;
You are a nurse, so I assume that you know whether this is going to be ok or not. You don't say how old your husband is or what his physical condition is. My ex-husband went through this when our daughter was 12 - so, she was much older than your daughter. I can tell you that my daughter cried and cried and was very upset to see her dad hooked up to all the monitors and etc ... that's when it hit her. I can tell you that I talked with my daughter constantly. I talked with the doctors and told her what they said. My problem was that his girlfriend was quite emotional and got my daughter crying - which only complicated the situation. Then, the other girlfriend showed up at the hospital and all hell broke loose. So, I decided to take control of the situation. I told the doctors and the nursing staff that the girlfriends were not to be in the room when my daughter visited her father - I was 'the wife' with custody of 'the daughter' so they listened to me. He'd had a ballon installed years before and I rememeber that my daughter was 4 at the time. I told her that her dad had a problem with his heart and that the doctors were going to fix it, but he'd have to be sick for a little while. I told her that daddy would look different and we drew pictures and talked about what an IV is and the sound that a heart monitor makes and all of that. We talked about anestesia and that when a person is given this medicine it makes them very sleepy and groggy - so that doctors can do their work. But, that, when the person is done with the operation, the medicine makes them very very sleepy and they do not talk normally or look normal. Like when you are so so tired and just want to sleep. My daughter told me later - when she was older and the heart surgery was done - that she remembered what I'd said when she was little and it helped her so much. She said she knew daddy would be ok by the look on my face and the way I hugged her. I think she meant that I had confidence that he'd be ok and because I did not break down, she knew. I remember telling her that she is a very little girl and does not know about this, but that she needed to understand that adults know how things work and if I am ok, she can be ok. This worked for my daughter. I don't understand it completely, but this is what she said. I hope it helps you. I'll say a prayer for you and your family. It sounds like things will be ok.

My Father had a very serious heart attack a few months ago, and was in ICU for a week, and had a double bypass open heart surgery. We called my daughter's pediatrician because we weren't sure if we should say anything to her or not. Well he told us that we did need to tell her that "Grandpa is very sick". But not tell her anymore than she is asking. You can say... Daddy is going to the hospital for surgery to make him better. We brought our 3 year old in to actual ICU after his surgery - we explained to her that there would be lots of tubes and machines hooked up to him, but don't be scared. And don't force her to kiss him, or what not. Let her take it all in and ask any questions her little heart desires.