I'm having great difficulty right now. I found out that my partner--we aren't married, but have an 11 year old daughter and have been together for 13 years--was using email, chat, and text messaging, among other things, to say things about me that put me in a very bad light to members of our community, mostly people who he wanted to do things like play music or hang out with when I'm at work. He also has developed at least one very close "friendship" with a woman who he says is "not sexual", but with whom he gives much more of the emotional/spiritual intimacy of a relationship to than he does anymore with me. Why? Well, she is available during the day, while I am busy working to provide the sole financial support for our family. So she is easily able to maintain that beauty and openness that comes from having no demands on one's time or on the person you are friends with, while I am more and more stressed by the situation all the time, and as his co-parent and full partner do have demands on his time and energies. Not only had he been blaming me for any feelings he has had about limitations on his time in a relationship that includes a house, kids, and things that need doing during the day, but there were things like him chatting with people and logging out when he heard me leaving the shower, or telling people to go to his "secret, private" email account that I didn't know about, and keep things confidential from me.
I found out about the email/texting, etc, and things really blew up. We've been in counseling for about a month. He wrote a "reparations" email to people he had said bad things about me to, saying he should not have done that, it was hurtful, and that he is now taking our challenges to counseling with me. I also have the ability, as the one who pays for our cell phone bill, to see who he texts to. He made a clear promise he would not do these things anymore. And he openly gave me access to his email account for now. But I noticed him on his laptop one night, as I was sitting next to him on the couch, using gmail "chat" as a way to send text messages to a friend's phone--it happened to be a message he and I were talking about together, but the method of sending it was completely new to me. When I asked him about it, he became very angry and defensive. Obviously, because it's a way to communicate that I can't see through our online cell phone account. And he can, of course, erase it from his email.
So..on the one hand, some things are getting better, and he's promised to stop this and really try to rebuild our relationship. I can feel things being more positive, very gradually. But on the other hand, I am constantly in fear that he is doing this again, just in a different way. I am honestly afraid he is leaving me and would have already done so if this woman was available--but she is married and doesn't have her own economic capabilities either, so this is much more convenient for both of them.
My question...should I try to spy on him to see what he is doing that he doesn't let me have access to? Should I try to trust him and just let it go, and try to deal with my own fears about what he is saying about me and setting up behind my back? Can you see any way to resolve this?
I'm at a loss, and I'm hurting. All I want is for us to be back in the loving space we once were in, and to work on the issues together that got us to this impasse so we can have a more balanced and stable family.
First, thank you--ALL of you--for your great support. I think the first thing that goes in a situation like this is self-esteem. All of you, whatever your response, have helped with that. And no, none of you who put things bluntly did anything further to hurt me. This isn't new...at least not the original issues, which do all go back to him not having an income and expecting me to support him and our daughter (and my two other daughters by a previous marriage) in a nice lifestyle. What DOES he do? Well, he cooks almost every meal, and does a pretty good job of that. He does take the kids where they need to go--doctor appts, school activities, etc. And, when I ask him--or fight him over it more often--he does do some of the cleaning, inadequately, and other chores around the house. But for me, I was once a full-tiime engineer, and hated it. I went to part-time, with lower income but happily able to have more freedom, and then with babies went to self-employed and part-time so I could BE with them, KEEP their home, GROW the garden, COOK their food and BAKE with them, TEACH them to clean and live and be active, and also participated in the same kinds of spiritual/healing/personal growth activities that mrs "beloved friend" is now there for.
So...at this point, he's agreed to keep his email open, not delete anything, including the chat/SMS/text messages. At least until he talks to our counselor about this. He could change his mind tomorrow, or if he decides I'm looking "too much".
I'm hoping...almost against hope at this point...that he gets the message from me and all our counseling support that whether he stays with me or not he needs to have an income so he might as well try it while he's still with me, and there's a limited time frame for that. See if it gets better.
Why doesn't he have a job? A bunch of reasons...he's got adult ADD, so it is truly difficult for him to be on time, focus, maintain any kind of time management on the job, etc. But there are lots of people with that issue. And they have incomes. Sometimes good ones. He is a licensed massage therapist and sees himself as an herbalist, healer, etc. He sees people with those titles bringing in $60 or more per hour, so when I tell him he needs a job, ANY job, he says he could make that much per hour doing his profession so why should he take less at any other type of job. Problem is, he has said that for years and has not shown any ability to really maintain an adequate practice on his own, largely because of ADD related organizational issues. So we are at an impasse and every time we have battled our way through to him agreeing to look for other work, he ends up just dragging his feet until I stop harassing him, which becomes too much of a hassle for me until the next big financial crisis comes along.
You are all right in so many ways...and still, I love him, and I love what we are/were when these issues weren't so built up. So I'm giving it one more chance. As far as the trust, I've told him that if he wants me to trust him again he a) needs to "get" why what he did was such a violation, and b) needs to keep those doors open and let sunshine into every corner until I can see and feel for myself that he is being trustworthy. Do I know that will happen? Not at all. But I feel I owe our daughter and ourselves one more chance. Since we are in counseling finally.
We'll see.
He has to EARN trust, which he clearly is not doing. He needs to NOT have any communications with that woman or any woman when you aren't around.
Cheating can lead to deadly diseases.
I forgot the program, but I downloaded one to watch the teens and it recorded every keystroke and emailed it to me daily. I got passwords, chats, emails, searches, everything. I would secretly install it. It is keylogger i think.
If you don't trust him, you don't trust him. You should ask all the questions and do everything you need to do until you know that you can absolutely do until you can absolutely trust and know everything that he is doing.
Trust has to be rebuilt over time. The fact that he got angry when you questioned him tells me he is still sneaking around. If he was committed to the relationship he would have married you by now. I'm sorry; this is heartbreaking for you. Why can't he get a job?
I really hate to say this to you b/c I know it will be hurtful but you also need to hear it....have you considered that fact that he is using you? It really sounds like it. If I am reading this correctly he does NOT work and sits home all day while you go out and earn the $ to support all of you. This is unnacceptable really. He needs to get off his butt and go out an be a productive member of society. Especially since the way that he is using his days is to hang out with his "day" friends and rip on you and do who knows what else with them. You have been together with this guy for a while but he is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated. You are probably just used to him and afraid to be alone-I totally get that. But sometimes it is far better to be alone than to suffer this kind of treatment from someone.
So-if you can't break up with him based on the fact that you really should and you need some concrete 'proof' I would plan a surprise visit to him during the day. Seeing him with his other woman may be what you need to make the break. And I do think he is 'with' the woman that you are referring to. I would be surprised if he were not really.
Leaving doesn't seem to be on your list of options. However, you are very clear and perceptive about the reasons for his disrespect to you and attraction to hippy dippy good time supported wife. The two of them seem to be of the same ilk, yet unable to support themselves, so they just act sneaky (ew on them both), making you the bad guy. ??! huh? funny how these things work.
He won't stop sneaking, and he hasn't stopped sneaking. Defensive about new email thingy=proof.
You can spy on him until the end of time and never know if he's still sneaking, but you will get resented for all the therapy, forced apologies, community emails etc. He's acting badly, but only feels intruded on by you.
What you NEED to do is tell him you love him dearly and really want to work this out (use your last paragraph in your post-it's great) but you realize he's only with you because you're supporting him and he'd be a much happier person if he could go be with people "of his like mind", hang out with whoever he wants all the time and never be accountable to you again. Tell him you won't keep him from his daughter for her sake, so to come visit whenever he wants and he's a free man. Hand him his li'l hobo pack and congratulate him on his new freedom.
The only way he will ever truthfully analyze his feelings for you to himself is if he cannot take you for granted. Until that time, you're the thorn in his side and everyone else gets to be the good times he's deprived of.
This is very painful, and I'm really sorry, I know you probably won't do it, but honestly, it would be the best thing. Keeping him close won't close these types of wounds-it will make them bigger. He needs to want you 'back'. So far, you're the one trying to keep him. If he doesn't want you back after being cut loose, it never would have worked out anyway. Sorry, hate to say it, but no matter what, he's using the "not married" thing in his mind too. Use it to your advantage. "I know we're not married or anything, bye bye".
If you're not trusting him then you need to end this relationship.
i am not so quick to call it quits, but doing things behind my back, or even worse, badmouthing me, would be a reason for me to call it quits.
if you're not ready to call it quits, then sit down with him, and tell him you feel he has too much free time on his hands and might be the time for him to start contributing to the family by finding a full-time or at least part time job.
it's not his friendship with moms that would bother me, it's his audacity to talk bad about you that i find intriguing and low. why was he complaining about you? esp. to people who your kids are friends with. what was he trying to accomplish? sympathy? why?
i think you need to decide what's best for you and the kids, without considering him.
good luck
wow, 1st thing that jumped out at me: why the heck isn't he working?
You are the sole support of your daughter. When she is of an age to begin adult relationships, do you want her to live the life you are living? A life of inequities & distrust?
I apologize for the harshness of my response. Based on your descriptions of the situation, I have NO respect for him.....& only concern for the well-being of both you & your daughter.....now & in 10 years when she's making life choices too. Time to find a "happy" place for all concerned. Peace.
You sound like a very intelligent woman. Follow your own heart and brain. I make decisions based on "no regrets".
If you do spy and find out he is not being totally truthful, what are your plans? If he is being honest and is really putting his heart and soul into fixing this and making it his priority to the things you two have been working on in counseling, are you willing to also be honest with him and tel him, about the spying? Can you express where this need is coming from?
To me he sounds like a person with too much time on his hands. He should be putting his energy into you, your home and child. Not because he is supposed to, but because he wants to.
You need to ask him what his plans are? What is his next step. If you and he have decided he is going to continue to be a SAHD, that is fine, but is he maintaining that role?
If he is looking for a job, how is that going for him and how long has he been looking? Is he willing to take whatever is offered, just to have some type of income?
Is he willing to rework his resume?
Men are not the only ones that have a self worth based on what they do and provide for their families.. Women also stay at home, but they also look for the best deals to save money. Spend time making sure the working partner has support emotionally as well as physically. Is he volunteering at your daughters school? She needs to see that her dad is being proactive in her education also. This could lead to some work opportunities. I know lots of moms that volunteered in schools and heard about job opportunities.
Help him see that he is valuable. Make a list of how he is helping. Be careful of making suggestions of other "chores" or he could take that as criticism of what he IS doing..
I am sending you strength and clarity.
Let me just start by saying that it literally pained me to read your post because I understand, wholeheartedly, how you're feeling.
First, do you love him and are you willing to put in work on what will be a very long process that will include more anger, hurt, frustration, and pain? I speak from experience when I say that just because he gave you access to some email accounts does not mean he's being completely transparent. The fact that he got defensive and angry because you asked him about being able to text through chat should tell you that the "trying" he's currently doing is not necessarily because he wants to, but maybe because it's what he knows will get you off his back. You see where I'm going with this? Can I ask why you're so afraid of him leaving you? Well besides the obvious...he's the father of your child, you've been together 13 yrs, etc. I ask because you may be more afraid that what you've known for 13 yrs may no longer be and not necessarily because you're losing a love. You've gotten so used to being with this one person and the thought of him not being that one anymore is scary but surely never a reason you should stay.
Second, and I mean no offense by this, but the former "loving space," was it a time that you both agree was a time in your relationship that was loving or what you'd like to think was? I only ask because sometimes when we're going through an overwhelmingly difficult time, we have the tendency to romanticize what once was when what once was may not have been all that we thought it was.
Third, in my opinion, having an emotional/spiritual relationship with another woman/man is much worse than sex. An emotional connection isn't something you can just stop doing. That I can almost guarantee he hasn't stopped. And as for bad mouthing you: I have this policy, for lack of a better word, that no matter how upset I am with my husband, I have NEVER made disparaging remarks about him. And that goes for friends and family as well.
I'm a firm believer that, with exceptions (there are people that are just chronic cheaters/liars - this would really be the only exception) both partners contribute to where a relationship is, whether good or bad. I'm not condoning by any means what your partner did, but try looking at what you might be contributing to the strain in your relationship. Something tells me it's the fact that you're the sole source of income. Seems that might be a bone of contention for him...and you. As for spying: When you go digging for dirt, you can't get mad when your hands get dirty. In my experience, finding out more never made me feel better, it just made me more sad and angry and you don't need anymore of that. If you feel the urge to spy, at this point you might as well assume he's doing something because you wouldn't be tempted to do so if you really thought otherwise.
Good luck!
i I think the fact that you are asking this question is your answer. Lets see he talks bad about you to people so he can hang out with them during the day. He doesn't work, you don't trust him. Not sure why you don't see the writing on the wall. He obviously does not respect you or what you do for your family. And in my opinion by you staying in this relationship you do not have self respect. People will treat us how we allow them to treat us. So you have some decisions to make. How much more of your life do you want to give to this man and this relationship? And why don't you feel you deserve better? Sorry, if it is blunt but I think you may need a wake up call. Good luck!!
I think you have to answer a few questions for yourself. You are working. He is not. You are supporting him. Do you deserve this? Do you have extra time to spy on him? Can you contact the particular service to find out how to do this without asking him? If you are going to spy, I would actually let him be naieve for awhile without letting him know you don't trust him anymore. I am seriously afraid you are going to get hurt though. Not necessarily physically but more emotionally. You sound so smart and amazing. I understand you have history, but half of that book is fiction and the other half can be rewritten or deleted completey.Get my point? He is saying things about you behind your back, he continues to betray you and even after a counselor cooks up more schemes to lie to you again. I know you are in love. I think you think you are in love. This man would probably drop ms. married if she were free, and find someone else who is not available. He sounds like he likes the chase. I seldom say this because in most case it is worth fighting for. But sadly, he sounds like he is totally not worthy of you.
Have your told the woman's husband what has been going on? If you haven't I strongly suggest you do. The reason being is if the husband is aware of what his wife is doing odds are that will help put a stop to what is going on between your partner and her.
I also want to suggest you check out this site.
http://survivinginfidelity.com/welcome.asp
I would get a keylogger program for the laptop and install it when he isnt around. The reason being is sounds like he is still doing stuff he wants to hide from you.
When you have been hurt like that, trust can't just be automatic. He has to earn your trust back by behaving differently and do things differently than how he did them up to the point when you got your heart broken. I wouldn't check his e-mail and text but I would address what I am observing and my feelings of insecurity that he may not be a changed man during your therapy sessions.
You don't indicate why your partner is not working right now or whether he has ever had a career outside of the home? I don't mean to stereotype but I think that there are some men who need to work and be a breadwinner for the family for their own ego and self-esteem. Those are the guys who usually become very bitter and resentful when there is a perceived imbalance of power between him and his partner. Now that your daughter is 11, maybe your partner should re-think the possibility re-entering the job market or possibly go to school and develop a new career.
I am sorry that you are going through this. Sending love and light your way.
I'm sure part of the problem is you caught him. He didn't confess. How much longer would this have gone on if you hadn't caught him? How much further would it have gone? Is he sorry he did it, or sorry he got caught? How do you trust him when he still gets mad like this is your fault when you don't trust him or ask questions? He's defensive and angry, that doesn't help build trust.
I've been there too. My experience has been when I DID snoop it was because I knew it was happening and he was lying to me... being right didn't make me feel any better. It did help me feel confident I was making the right choice when it ended.
Ask yourself.. if you did spy and found the worst - what would you do? Would you really leave, or would it just be that much more you were trying to forgive? Would it help, or make things worse? If you found proof he was cheating are you ready to tell him to leave?
Emotional cheating is cheating, sex or not - in my opinion. I don't believe "once a cheater, always a cheater" -- if this is his only misstep, and he's committed to working on your relationship... understanding trust takes a long time to rebuild so he needs to be patient with you. Continue your counseling and you guys can work through it. Assuming YOU want to. My opinion is MUCH different if this is the third, fourth, tenth time... I do think some people are chronic cheaters and they won't likely change.
I guess the real question is what do you want? It's tempting to want things to be like they were before you found out, and to keep wishing he didn't betray your trust. That's not fair to either of you - because you will hold on to a lot of anger, and you won't move from it. Decide what you really want here. If you want to work on it, then do. If you can already see yourself ending it, then maybe thats where you need to be.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I can honestly say I have been on both sides of this. Not something I can brag about. I cheated, once on a previous relationship - I was honest with my partner and told them. I never have again, never would again. I have dated a guy that was a chronic cheater and liar, made me feel to blame for catching him doing things. If I were in your shoes I would schedule a counseling session alone with you counselor and talk it out with them. Talk about how you're feeling and see if you can work through it.
T., what a quandry you are in. How hurtful. He's addicted to a variety of forms in which he can betray you. Telling family secrets, criticizing your partner to friends and relatives and people she doesn't know are all serious breeches of trust.
Don't spy on him. Just say it is over. He's no lover and friend. He's a thief stealing your honor and dignitiy. In some ways this is much worse than a blatant love affair.
He owes you child support. You have little chance of getting palimony from him in Oregon as this is not a community property state even for spouses. And it is not a common law state.
Go see a lawyer. Cut off the cell phone connection. Let him pay his own and you pay your own. This way you won't be liable for what happens if the woman or her spouse decide to sue him.
You supply the money and probably take care of most everything so he's treating you like you are his mama he's trying to get away from.
Transparency is not dishonest. It's an ultimate expression of honesty. If he's promising transparency, but not delivering, that's a huge trust issue on top of broken trust.
He has BROKEN your trust in him. For each person, reearning that trust is a different process. For my husband and myself that meant TOTAL transparency. For others that means completely breaking off any and all friendships that are not "friends of the marriage". Meaning that the marriage is the highest priority. For myself, I personally believe that my husband (and myself) should be allowed to be friends with whomever we durn well please, and that anything that impacts the marriage is the fault of US, not of our friends. It's our OWN decision to ice our partner out, or to put the needs of others above the needs of our spouse... so the balance needs to come within US. For others, the opposite it true. If someone else gets a higher "ranking" position, that outside person needs to be gone. Other marriages simply disallow opposite sex friendships. What works best in each marriage is determined by the people in it. I go for option 1 : transparency, rather than option 2 or 3.
Flipside... I'm friends with a SAHD. He's fantastic. Met through our kids who are quickly becoming besties. I was just under "inspection" by his FT working wife this week. I hope I "passed" for my son's sake. She's an amazing woman whom he talks about all the time, and I have no interest in her husband whatsoever. (Fingers crossed, I really really really hope she likes me!) However, I know that if their marriage ISN'T solid, that my son could lose his very good friend, because the only way for the kids to be together is for us SAHPs to get them together. My son has a lot of playmates, but very few good friends. If I didn't pass, my son could lose out on her son, which would break my heart. I like the dad very much (which is so rare, when kids AND parents click), but I'd be more than willing to bend over backwards *not* to see him so our sons can remain friends. 5 years ago I was friends with another SAHD whom the wife flipped out and totally denied any contact between us whatsoever, including getting our kids together (we were just friends, but I have no idea what was going on in their marriage since I'm not in it)... so perhaps I'm doubly wary about "look sees". I REALLY hope his wife likes me.
But as per "spying"? It's NOT spying if he's granted you total access to his life and communication in order to rebuild trust.
Not to get too personal, but why are you the only one with a job in your family?
Here are your options....
Spy on him using computer software that records everything down to key strokes so you can see what he is up to and spy on his cell phone records, etc. Drill him, hound him, and confront him when you find things that don't seem 100% out in the open...and find that he is a dirt lying jerk and leave him.
Spy on him using computer software that records everything down to key strokes so you can see what he is up to and spy on his cell phone records, etc. Drill him, hound him, and confront him when you find things that don't seem 100% out in the open...and find that he isn't hiding anything big, but your spying has pushed him farther and farther away until he leaves.
Trust him and enjoy him as much as you can, give him the space to be who he is... and a year or two from now you find out he is a dirty lying jerk and you leave him.
Trust him and enjoy him as much as you can, give him the space to be who he is... and your trust allows him to feel safe and loved and your relationship grows closer and you both live happily ever after.
The way I see it, there are two options you have, and three possible outcomes. Of which, only one ends happily. I personally would give that one a shot even if it means you risk being happy for a year or two while you are in the dark and find out the truth later. Spying cannot end well no matter what the outcome is. A relationship MUST be based on trust, and he needs to be able to trust you too. The best you can do is do your best and allow him the right to chose for himself whether he wants the relationship to work or not.
Hi T.,
I'll give you the short, non-involved answer: If this were my situation, I would NOT spy, and would continue the relationship counseling. I'd also find your own counselor that can help you decide how YOU want to work through this. This sort of erosion of trust is not insignificant, and neither is your relationship with this man, and I know firsthand that handing him his bags isn't as easy as people would make it out to be.
I personally found myself at a similar impasse in my marriage ten years ago. It wasn't around another woman; my exhusband's affair was with pharmaceuticals. He loved to hang out with his friends who stroked his ego, and happily talked trash about me (because I'm so lame, ha) and generally did little to support us. Fortunately for me, we didn't have children together. Nonetheless, even with the support of a great counselor, it took me about a year to get to the point that *I* was ready to let go and walk away. (HE decided to go to marriage counseling about two months before I left, and it was so he "could figure out how to deal with" me. ) Once I came to that decision, it was easy, but it wasn't an easy process getting there.
I am hoping that you are saving money in your own account. I'm remarried now, with a son, and I still keep my money from my preschool separate from my husband's income. (yes, I do help to support us. My income goes to pay my son's preschool tuition/aftercare expenses, etc.) Please consider saving some money aside for yourself, just in case. It's good to have a disaster fund in any case, and if you decide you just need to go, having enough saved up to move out is necessary, even if things do work out and everyone stays where they are. I myself was fortunate enough to have a friend who loaned me a thousand dollars and gave me a gracious amount of time to pay it back. But not everyone is lucky enough to have such great friends, either.
I'm not going to give you any other advice. This situation is yours to figure out as you see fit. I just believe in women always taking care of themselves, no matter what their marriage or relationship looks like.
Go with your instinct....it is only time/chances before he cheats on you...IF he hasn't done so already.
Dump this man and find a better man who does NOT talk bad about you to others before he hurts you more.
Yes...spy on him and do all that you can to prove to yourself that he's NOT being truthful to you. But...what what you've written...it's clear as day to me that it is only time and opportunity before HE dumps YOU!
Good luck and take care!
First off he should have a job...yah they are hard to get but...that shouldn't be an excuse.
You don't need to spy! you know everything already. He is getting too close to the opposite sex. Affair! The affair of the heart is worse than just sex. I feel for your situation...This has been going on for years in this culture. He needs to not be idle...I'd put my foot down and say, no internet, no text ect without your access. Your doing both of you a favor.
If he is REALLY interested in counseling _ Great! but if he is just yanking your chain to keep his cozy gig of.... stay at home dad with a kid that is in SCHOOL, do as I want with food to eat and shelter. Say hit the road!
I'm sorry, but that man needs a job. Why is he hanging out while you are supporting him. I'm all for house husbands, but not men who hang out and pursue their own hobbies and deep friendships with other women while you are paying for everything. I feel for you and I think the counseling is best and I suppose he wants to work on it if he is going with you. I do think you should trust your instincts though. If you feel something is going on, protect yourself. Be clear with what you want out of your relationship. If he's not able to provide that, then you might need to move on. You are a hardworking mother who doesn't need the drama.
As a wife who has been in the very same place that you are in right now...I understand exactly, the hurt and anger and fear that you are experiencing!!!
Might I ask WHY your partner is not employed? I Would think that would lead to a huge issue with feelings of self worth for him...and possibly he is reaching out to other women as a way of making himself feel more "Worthy". That may not be an issue at all...but it might be worth considering by both of you.
I would be SO tempted to snoop and spy...but I also know that you cannot and should not build a relationship on mistrust and suspicions. If this relationship is going to survive and flourish....you have to come to a place where you truly do trust him...and he has to come to a place where he invests his emotional self in you and in your family.
Unless you are a computer guru, you are never going to be able to keep ahead of him as far as ways to chat, email and connect with other people online that you don't know about....there are just too many ways for it to be done online today. Don't waste your precious energy and emotions on it. You have to decide if you are going to trust him, and start rebuilding your relationship....if you are....start doing it one tiny little step at a time...if you aren't....it is time to cut your losses and end it now.
Do you love him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? If the answers are yes...then start rebuilding today...it is a long slow process....once trust is broken it takes a LONG time for it to be rebuilt...but it CAN be done. My husband and I are beginning our 42nd year together...I am not trying to tell you that everything is perfect...no marriage...or relationship is...but we love each other...we laugh together every single day and I can't think of anyone that I would rather wake up to each morning than him!!!
Good luck to you and God Bless
Hi,
I am sorry you are going through this. I personally wouldn't spy. Its just as dishonest as what he did to you. The only way through this is time and trust and of course forgiveness. Continue counseling and write down all the things he did that you are upset about. Bring it to counseling and try to work some things out. Hugs
Molly
Maybe one way to have a more balanced family would be for your partner to be working or looking for work, volunteering, helping at your daughter's school, etc. Something to help him feel worthwhile and with a sense of importance. A place for him to get some "atta boy" pats on the back without the emotional landmines of his friendships with other women.
