Do I Have the Right to Be Mad About a Crappy Gift?

k , First of all, be grateful he actually remembered what day it was and got you ANYTHING.
Yep he was tryign to be a smartass and tell you that you have no idea about how his mind works
you need to pick up two books ,
1) The five love languages
2) the proper care and feeding of husbands.
And don't judge a book by it's cover

Wow.
Well gee, there are marital issues.
He got you the book to teach you a lesson... and to become what he thinks you are not.
Hence, this is the way he thinks you are and the way he views you.
As a 'brat.' Sorry.
So he got you this book.
He is hoping you read it and get the message.
Not that he is right and you are wrong, or you are right and he is wrong.
He... really chose a book, for you, that he thinks, will fix you.

He opted for the book, because he cannot communicate those same things to you, as eloquently as the book can.

This was not about gifts.
This was him, making a 'statement' to you... on what bugs him, about you and the marriage.

It is not, about gifts.

My Mom used to buy things for herself, wrap them up, label from Secret Admirer, and open in front of my Dad. It was actually really cute..."Oh Steve, how did you know I wanted this?"
Some men are just clueless! One year I asked for a nice bath robe for Christmas. I specifically told my husband, "any color but white." Guess what? He bought me a WHITE robe! lol! It's all about attitude, I didn't make it a big deal! I feel so good giving a gift that really makes people happy! My husband has gotten a lot better over the years, but I set my expectations very low.

I would just do away with the gifts and take time to go to dinner and movie. Spend some alone time together.

My husband never gets cards. One time he had my brother pick out a Valentine's day card while my brother was out picking one for his wife. One time he went last minute of course for a gift and all the cards were gone so he got a birthday card and scratched it out to say Happy Valentine's day. Oh another time the card said happy birthday from the cat. (We don't have any pets) Another...it was a recordable one that he added...now go do the dishes...to be funny. I used to get mad and hurt that he couldn't take the time to pick out a card sharing his feelings. Now I just accept he's not a card person.

When you let this type of thing go, you'll realize in the big picture it doesn't matter. I think about how he really is a great husband, he's a wonderful father and he truly loves to support his family the best he can. Getting a card...not such a big deal in the end.

T., T.. You know I love you, right?

Haven't you read similar posts on this very issue in the past?

Stop ruining your relationship over some gifts. Stop it now. You lectured your husband for 20 minutes on the meaning of a card? My husband would have listened for about 10, and then would have started raising his voice to me and it would have ended in a huge argument.

Guys don't show their love through gift-giving, and almost all of them consider it a chore. It's just the male brain at work. Only gay guys are into buying gifts.

You're lucky he just responded with a book of helpful hints. Read the book, I think it will give you some good insight. The reason he didn't buy you the book is because by that time you had made such a huge issue of it and had lectured him about gift-giving. His limited spirit of gift-giving was drained at that point.

Let it go. Gifts don't matter. Do all the things you were planning to do, and remember what is good about him. And be happy he's not gay.

And to all the moms below who think that "getting even" is a good way to go -- it's absolutely NOT. DON'T DO THAT.

First of all men do love differently than women do...remember that. And second I don't believe a gift is the way to show love....that does sound very materialistic. I understand that you go to great lengths to plan a gift for your hubby, but I bet that if truth be told that gift means more to you than it does to him. It's just how we differ from men, it doesn't make him a bad man or hubby.

My hubby shows me his love by an extra long hug, a kiss on the forehead, hand etc or just a look that says I love you and you are amazing. I find holidays where we are "required" to get gifts to be hallmark or maarketing holidays. It has been so engrained in us that we HAVE to get our loved one a gift on v-day or b-day or whatever the occaision maybe. I may be the wrong one to answer you as we don't celebrate these kind of holidays...not even a card. We both prefer to get a card to express our love if we want to on just an average day. Why should any of us be required to give something on a certain day just because society tells us too...anyways....

With the book, I think maybe it is his way of trying to tell you that he sees things differently but perhaps doesn't know how to express it to you. When he saw this book it most likely spoke to him and seemed very special. Just remember that he does love you, or he wouldn't even try and rejoice in the love of your hubby, forget the material gift part and enjoy a wonderful night with your love!

Rush now, don't delay. Return the music and clothes and hit your local bookstore for "Act Like a Gentleman, Think Like a Woman: A Woman's Response to Steve Harvey's Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man"
http://www.amazon.com/Act-Like-Gentleman-Think-Woman/dp/0...

Lay it right on his plate tonight -- Good luck!
:)

Hi--
I haven't read the book, but I do know from interviews that it's not supposed to be insulting, it's supposed to be a book to help women understand how men think. Understanding that could be a big improvement to your marriage.
My husband rarely gets me what I ask for, but he always tries. And in everyday life he's fantastic. So what if his gifts aren't perfect? He's trying in his own way. I find that when I make more of an effort, so does he. He clearly doesn't value gift in the same way you do---I would recommend you both read "The 5 Love Languages". Every person expresses and needs love in a certain way--it sounds like you and your husband experience love differently so therefore love differently. If you understood each other's "love language" that would help a lot. I like acts of service--so when my husband does the dishes for me I know he is telling me he loves me. He likes words of affirmation, so I make sure and tell him when he is doing a good job.
Hope that helps. I think he loves you, just doesn't know how to express it the way you'd like him to.
J.

Really? Sorry, but apparently he has NEVER been a gift man. The fact the card reads better tells you inside he LOVES you. Gifts are material and can be replaced, love is not!!! He did give you a gift in the book... He found something he thought would give you an insight into him. He did a good job! Read the book!!!

As for the other thing, stop harping on your husband. If you want those things, go get them yourself. All you are doing is putting a wedge in a relationship that shouldn't be there. The bigger the wedge the more likely, he will be not giving the right gifts to another person who could care less if they are RIGHT or not. Get over it... it's just THINGS ... it's not who he thinks you are.

These are the arguements that my hunny and I do NOT have EVER!! I do not think that it is acceptable for you to be annoyed or angered by his gift giving skills or lack there of in your opinion. From the tone of the book it appears he wants you to understand that YOU do not understand him just like he does not understand you. When I really want a specific gift item to be gotten that I do not want to just get for myself I put my best girlfriend on the case and he knows that when she calls and asks him to meet her somewhere that it is important to me. For valentines day, bday etc we both get what we want for ourselves I think there are MUCH BETTER things to argue/worry about in a life long relationship than gifts.

Oh and I had a total gift flub myself this weekend (a gift just because I wanted to) ... I was at Barnes & Noble getting myslef some books and I found a Steven King thing (he loves his books) and turns out He got it for himself like 2yrs ago. I was all disapointed that I did not know he already had it but we just laughed it off because it is funny the pressure we put on ourselves to get the right gift.

Ok, the book he bought you... yeah, it was a crappy gift. I don't think you are being a brat because I would have been taken aback as well. However, in order to move forward, I think the question you need to ask yourself is whether your husband shows you he loves you in other ways and is just a crappy gift-giver, or are you feeling all around like he doesn't see you, appreciate you and love you? If it's the first, then I think you should take a deep breath, continue with your romantic evening plans and then next time tell him you don't want to do gifts (perhaps spend the money instead on an activity you can do together).

Some food for thought: My husband is very creative and generous with his gifts to me. I, however... well, I suck at gifts. I AM a crappy gifter! I try... I really try, but I am just bad at it. I usually end up looking online and walking around stores weeks in advance and coming away with nothing, or something dumb. I have a hard time, unless I have been told EXACTLY what they want. At least your husband is good at the cards... I am bad at those too. Last night I stared at the V-day card I bought for my husband for 30 minutes and I couldn't come up with anything good to write. It doesn't mean I don't love him- I DO! He is a wonderful husband and we have a great relationship. I would hope (and am hoping!) that when he opens his card or gifts, he remembers all the other ways I SUCCEED in showing my love and appreciation for him.

Hi T.,

I had to laugh at your post - boy would I have been mad!!! The only book WORSE than that he could have bought was that silly book by Dr Laura - the proper care and feeding of husbands.... be glad that he didn't get you that too!!!!!!

Here is my take. You are getting him the gifts YOU would want to receive - thoughtful, kind, reflective of how you feel about him.
HE is getting you the gift he would be ok with getting - the 'base' required amount. Because I think he is saying that he is not a guy that does 'grand gesture' gifts.

Now - I'm not going to take his side..... but kind of I am. You're asking him to think like you. I'm not sure he can!!!! I'm NOT letting him off the hook. I COMPLETELY understand why your feelings are hurt. But, remember that you shouldn't plaster on a smile while you lavish him with attention and all the things YOU would have wanted him to reciprocate - because you should be doing those things - WITHOUT wanting anything in return. That is the spirit of celebrating your love with gift giving. Yes.... WAY easier said than done.

Believe it or not - I think this is why a lot of couples don't celebrate Valentines day.

I am actually pro - "you get your gift from me and I'll get your gift from you". My brother and I did that for a long time and it was the only time in my life I have felt OK with giving myself something that I really wanted and spending money on ME. As women and moms we have a hard time with that sometimes.

I also think more than the kind words YOU feel will be important to him, may not be as important to HIM..... he may just really need to NOT feel your immense amount of disappointment. I know, I know.... easier said than done.

Could you look at all the stuff he does throughout the year and remember that is the real gift?

But yes.... I'd be pissed!

I'd back off on the gift thing - he doesn't feel he can measure up to your standards of gifts for him, and he doesn't get any pleasure purchasing something that you have dictated to him. I wish he did more for you, and so you do - but too much direction is taking any pleasure out of it for him. So he goes through the motions. He picks great cards which actually ARE showing you what he thinks - he obviously spends a lot of time selecting just the right one. Why doesn't this make you happy?

I agree that the Steve Harvey book is kind of in-your-face but maybe he's trying to tell you how he'd like you to communicate with him, get you to understand how he thinks. Also, are you sure he likes candlelight and lobster, or is he humoring you because he knows this is what YOU like to give? Maybe he wants to buy his own CDs and clothes, you know?

I think you need to stop obsessing about working so far in advance on the gift thing - you are doing for your husband what you want him to do for you, and he is doing for you what he wants you to do for him! You are not on the same page.

There must be better and more satisfying ways of showing your love for and appreciation of each other than this unbalanced competition. Find ways where you agree and are in sync.

A very wise lady taught me that no matter what you ask for (or register for, if you are getting married, having a baby, buying your first house, etc), people will give you what they want to give you or what they want you to have. If it is something on your list, great. If not, never fail to be grateful.

I suggest you both read Dr. Gary Chapman's "The 5 Love Languages." (There's even a Men's Edition!) All his books focus on love and communication. http://www.garychapman.org/products.htm You can check them out from the library, but you sound like someone that likes to own the books you want to read.

Here's a quick test to discover your Love Language. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/ If you both take it, you might discover how to better communicate with each other. If you both try to "speak your partner's love language," I bet things would improve quickly!

Maybe he is trying to tell you something? I think you should read the book.....maybe you should ask him if HE has read the book - LOL ~ maybe he has no idea what he got you? I think you should just be glad that he gets you a nice card. I don't think that life is about presents, and you are expecting him to act like a woman. Men most of the time just don't think about these things. That is just my opinion....

You could also try actually giving him a list of things that you want. My husband and I don't exchange gifts on Valentine's Day ~ I personally just think it is a waste of $. I think that if he shows you how much he loves you on a regular basis, that is more important

I'm trying not to sound harsh. But I honestly think that it is ridiculous to get upset about gifts. Valentine's Day is so commercialized. I would be happier with a card than a gift (and it sounds like he does a great job in the card department). Maybe he feels like he is just too pressured. Keep in mind, this is coming from a woman who does not do the whole gift giving thing on Valentine's Day, so perhaps I just don't understand where you are coming from.

I don't think you are a brat, but I have some words of advice for you. Men are very simple creatures. I can't imagine that your husband would hear two words of what you wrote if you lectured him for 20 minutes about what you need. What do you want? Don't you want to be happy, and have a man who takes good care of your family, and is just as happy to be with you as you are with him? You don't want to settle for "thoughtless" or agree to stop gving gifts to show him how mad you are, do you?

Like I said, Men are simple. I don't know what is in Steve Harvey's book, but it sounds to me like your husband sent you a very clear message about what he needs, and I bet he would love to have an honest discussion with you about how he is feeling, but has no clue where to start. I would probably not read Steve Harvey's book, unless I was looking for a laugh, but I would go out today and buy Dr, Laura Slessingers book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. I don't like everything she says, and I could not care less about her womans movement theory, but she nails what men think, how they tick, what they want, and how to have a happy marriage dead center. If you do what she says, he will be doing some of what you wrote, and some things you did not think to write, and you won't have to ask. I promise you, if he comes home tonight, and finds you reading that book sitting at the table with the steak and lobster, he will be sitting next to you looking over your shoulder, very interested in what she has to say. Then, ask him if he feels the way she says. You will open a conversation that will lead you to greater happiness, deeper love, and more understanding of why what you wrote would drive a man nutty. He has no clue where to even start wtih all that, and a twenty minute conversation about what he does not do right is not going to help him do any better. Reading this book, understanding men, doing a few simple things, it will all pay off, not really in the gifts, but in something more than work out clothes or scratch off cards, in someone who you know knows you, because he really knows you know him too.

Give it a try. I did. It is never too soon or too late. I am dieting right now. So, my husband made reservations at a very nice sea food restaurant that has boild shrimp, something I can have almost as much of as I want, and that I love. He thought about me. If I think back a few years ago, before I read that book, it would never have happend. You will never know if you don't try, read it with an open mind, one that looks at yourself in an honest way, it will help you be happy...no matter what he buys you!

M.

Maybe I'm a "brat" too but I would be mad.

Have you two really talked about not this one day, this one gift, but what you both value? I would bet you were raised in homes with totally different takes on how much gifts mean, how much thought goes into them, etc. He may see your "need to be seen" as a demand for material objects, when to you it's a validation that he knows what you like and what interests you. He may take your elaborate meals and gifts for granted; I'm tempted to say, see if he misses them if you do nothing at all for him. But that would just be revenge. There seems to be a bigger, deeper marital issue here and communication is part of it. Consider seeing a counselor together and working on learning what it is in your pasts and your attitudes that gives you such different takes on gift-giving and gift-receiving. Does this spill over into deeper things -- like does he not participate in helping with kids or the house, or does he take other things for granted, or do you make other demands of him that he might see as "bratty" to use your own term? Maybe it's time for a third party to help you look clearly at things.

Wow! I can understand how you might be frustrated. But you have to ask yourself has he always given you these "crappy" gifts or is it just recently? If its nothing new then maybe he just isn't a great gift giver. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. The whole art of gift giving is just that; to give, not about what you should receive in return. I used to feel the same way but then I realized, would I rather have a fantasic husband and crappy gifts or a crappy husband and really great gifts.

I wouldn't read too much into his book choice other than he is trying to express to you how he feels without being confrontational and hurting your feelings with words. He might not be great at communication.

You might just have to realize that he isn't a good gift giver. He might really want to get you something wonderful but doesn't know how and if you are telling him to get you particular things he may feel like it would take the fun out of things. I would make your gifts a little simpler and maybe you won't feel so let down in return. Either he will be bummed and try a little harder or he will be fine with it because he knows that having a wonderful wife is a gift in itself.

We all have to remember that men are much less complicated than us ladies. Good luck with everything. Choose today to show your husband and kid(s) how much you love them and you are happy to have each one of them. That is the best gift anyone could receive. A happy healthy family! Dwell on the small stuff later.

By the way, my son and I picked out a card yesterday for Daddy from him and our twins. I gave my husband a card and am making a big dinner tonight to celebrate all of our family. I have not received a thing but lots of hugs and kisses. Guess what, that's ok! I love all of my boys and all of them are healthy and happy and that is enough for me!

I think that his buying the book that he chose was his way of saying that he wants you to "get him" (understand him)...... But, of course, by the same token, he needs to try to "get you."

You should be thankful that he tries. But it is not too much to ask him to make an effort.

For myself, I found that it was not worth my aggravation, to get upset over DH's misguided attempts, and that I need to be specific about what I want..... I will be honest, though, that I would be very angry if DH said he was going out to get me a gift, and came home with a bunch of stuff for himself instead.

Ask him to read the 5 Love Languages (the title is something like that), and read it at the same time, then sit down and talk about it (I think the authors also do "classes" through churches or something). It may really help you to both realize that and "hear" each other say "I love you" through (each of) your choices.

T., I think your love language is Gifts, and he definitely does not speak it! It seams that your feelings have been completely hurt every time an expectation for gifts is not met. There is one thing you can do to help. Keep a running list of things that you would like and appreciate. ( Ask him to make a list of thing he would love too.) Even though they are all your idea, it still counts. You will get to be surprised at which one he actually gets:) and be thankful that he went to the trouble to get it. The main way he tries to show you love is most likely his love language. It would be helpful for you to figure it out and practice speaking it to him, through your actions. You are correct actions speak louder then words, unless Affirmations, is your Love Language. Which I kind of am suspecting affirmations and touch are his.
I suggest (and here is another book!) reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is quick to read and helpful for learning how your kids accept love too. Everyone shows and recognizes love differently.
You could even make it a date where you both go shopping for each other one night. If Gifts is how you feel love, then it will be worth it. Also once you read the book, share with him the things that describe you the most and the ones you think he is. This will help you both recognize the best ways to show each other love.
Good luck!
E.

The best lesson is to walk a mile in someone else's shoes. Make a dinner tonight that is one of your favorites but NOT his. "Oh sorry honey I guess I was only thinking or myself this valentines day. I made a dinner I like, just like you gave me a gift you like."
I would recommend couples counseling. He needs to see that he is hurting your feelings and if this doesn't stop he will lose you. My ex-husband still doesn't understand (30 yrs later) that part of the reason I divorced him was because he never remembered me on my birthday-Christmas - our Anniversary or valentines. My b-day is 12-24 and our wedding anniversary was1-4, so in a 10 day span he negelected to get me 3 gifts, every year. He didn't understand why that hurt so much. His dad was not like that his Mom got wonderful gifts every year.
My dad was like that he would buy himself a new fishing rod and reel for my Mom's birthday (Mom hates fishing) and not buy my Mom anything, but tell her it was her b-day gift. After many years my Mom turned the tables on him and bought him a blender for his birthday.

I think the way you are behaving is laughable. Your husband is trying to tell you something by giving you that book. Its Valentines day not Christmas. Its not even a real holiday. I think a card and flowers are plenty. I think you went way overboard in the gift department!

I will never understand why so many women (not just you, there are many) who get soooo bent out of shape over a Halmark Holiday!

Ok, Rant over, lol

Seriously, I think him buying the book is a HUGE signal for you that you are completely ignoring. You are too hung up on what he isn't doing FOR YOU to realize that he is lacking something as well and this is his way of trying to show you. Does he never do nice things for you any other time of the year? This is my problem with Valentine's, Sweetest, Mother's, Father's and all of the other corporate created holidays. As a society, we all feel this pressure to "show" our loved ones what they mean by giving them material things, and only on this specific day. Material things do not show love. Period. For me, I know every day of every year that my husband loves me. Not by what he buys me or the time he takes to pick something out, but by his actions, his affection, his words and even the things he does that he doesn't even realize matter to me (ie...brushing the snow off of my car when he leaves for work, not even knowing if I need to go anywhere or not). To answer your question completely honestly? Yes, you are being a big brat right now. Take a cue from your husband and look at the big picture. Is he faithful to you? Does he follow his marriage vows? Does he support you (emotionally)? Does he admire you as his wife and the mother of his children? I suggest you read the book, and maybe a few others. Open yourself up to the idea that maybe last minute card/flowers/baloon from Walmart are something that he really thinks you enjoy. Or quite possibly he does have the attitude that he needs to pick something up for his wife (obligation) for the same reason that many men do...they don't care too much for society telling them how they "should" treat their women, but they know if they don't do SOMETHING they will only face the wrath of their wives at home.

My husband tells me to circle stuff in an add or to right down items and stores so that he knows. I also know that we don't have extra money, so I feel stupid doing this since I know we can't afford it. So in the end he ends up running to the grocery store at the last minute, picks up white chocolate, some cookies and a card.

As for the book that he got you, I'd take it back to Walmart, or whereever and exchange it for the book you really wanted.

As for your gifts to him, I'd still have the dinner, but I wouldn't give him all of the gifts you mentioned. I'd just give him the card and one gift. Save the others for another day or celebration.

M.

.

Your husband is a very selfish man who values himself above all else. There is NO excuse when somebody TELLS you what to get them-its not like he has to go and pick something out. If I were you I would go to the spa and get my OWN giftcard-hand it to him and say 'here's my present if you want to wrap it."

And about your Valentine gift-WOW I would be more than pissed. Return everything that you bought him and get yourself to the bookstore today and find an appropriate title that will tell HIM everything you think about HIM and your relationship. Because he is obviously telling YOU how HE feels by that book. And for the love of GOd-no lobster tonight!

Oh-and hes not clueless-sounds like he knows exactly what he is doing. Sorry if that upsets you but I think its the truth. Please consider marriage counseling-if he won't go you should go yourself. And not to your pastor.

My husband and I pretty much don't bother with gifts anymore. Not that we are bad at it - we just don't need anything. Cards and occasional flowers are fine.
For the book he got you out of spite, I'd be tempted to serve him a Big Mac with a side of fries tonight instead of steak and lobster, but that would just be feeding spite right back into it. You never want to get into a one-up-man-ship spite contest. It's just not healthy for any relationship.
A little marriage/couples counseling might do a whole lot of good.

I think you should be happy he tries. No - he does not seem to be as thoughtful about gifts or into gifts as you are. For some people, giving thoughtful gifts shows how much you love them. For others, it means a trip to the store because its a certain date on the calendar - it does not have any correlation to love whatsover.

Sometimes my husband does a good job with gifts and sometimes not - but he insists on driving all the time, puts gas in my car if he drives it, takes the trash out (even if I made a mess out of it), buys food at the grocery store he knows I like, and lets me sit on the big couch at night when we are watching tv while he sits folded like a pretzel on the love seat. Thats how he shoes me he loves me - not by giving birthday or holiday gifts.

My husband gives me workout pants for EVERY gift giving holiday (sometimes two pairs!) and I dont exercise regularly - when I do, I run and wear shorts. I dont care. I'm happy he got me something and I have learned to love exercise pants.

Be happy he tried, and stop complaining that he didnt try hard enough. I think its wrong to call him clueless and thoughtless because he didnt give you a present you wanted. To me, you do sound hard to please.

Good luck and focus on the things he does that you love.

Boy, my first instinct was brat (sorry), and then I read what he DID get you and the scenerio behind it. Of all books....really???? I would be super, super, super pissed off! And I wouldn't be cooking steak and lobster for him either! Me, maybe, but not him!

I agree with lee lee. Rush out now and get him the response book! NOW! That will be your Valentine's Day present to him!

Then make an agreement for BOTH of you to read your books. Sounds like they could help you both get into better communication!!

You have a right to be upset over his insulting gift, but he has a right to feel like you're "demanding" presents. Neither one of you are wrong, neither one of you are right. I hope the books are good, I've not read either one but I know sometimes just making the decision to understand one another is a step in the right direction!

I would be super-pissed too! If it's obvious NO thought is going into a gift -then what is the point? I would probably also say -forget it -you get your gifts and I'll get mine, but don't continue to piss me off with crappy nothings and unfulfilled promises! If I were you I would have GONE to the spa day and GONE to have my nails done and let him know you took him up on his half-assed offer. Maybe you should go ahead and make appointments for that now. He's lazy at best and thoughtless at worst. As far as the book -tell him you'll read it after he does. Why don't you go browse and find a book for him about what women need in relationships -and it's NOT Walmart flowers and cards. It's THOUGHTFULNESS!

***And about tonight -if you want to cook, then do it, but otherwise give yourself the night off. Take back all the stuff you got him -that will help finance your spa day!

Hey at least you received a crappy gift I get nada & has been since I popped out our son 7 yrs ago...

Well, this makes me very thankful for my husband, that's for sure but I won't brag! :) I think you need to give him 2 weeks notice of what you want, not the day before. and frankly, I think you are right, if he doesn't get it (or more likely he appears to not really care) then I would stop buying him anything and say, you are good at buying what YOU want and I will buy what I want for myself and we'll leave it at that. And if he's a good husband in all other aspects, then try to let this go. Good luck!

When you started this I was thinking this lady is probably going to annoy me with her complaining about how she didn't get the 5 carat diamond ring she wanted. Sorry. BUT, having seen the "gift" your husband got you, yes, you have every right to be pissed. I don't normally sanction burning books but in this instance.....

Seriously....don't make him lobster. Make it for yourself. Gift yourself. He isn't going to do it. Ok, maybe share the gifts and dinner and tell him you need to speak with him about his terrible gift giving ways (and believe me, I understand...I will make a list for my husband or say I want these exact earrings....you can get them here, here or here and I will end up with either nothing or avon or beauty control from some lady he works with...arrrghaaaa....frustration). He should know that that book was entirely inappropriate and showed that he put thought into himself and not into you. Let him know that you will no longer be expecting gifts from him and will be getting yourself gifts that you will actually like and then put all the effort you put into giving to others into yourself every so often.

I would stop all your wonderful gifts for a while give him a card, and a cheap crappy gift that he cares nothing for until he gets ur point :)

I get what you are going through. My husband either goes to walmart the day of or orders online and pays way too much for overnight shipping! I just try to talk to him about it when its not around the time, so he doesn't attach it to the holiday. He is wonderful at picking out cards, except when it comes to the kids: he actually got a card with a squirrel on it that says "Larry the squirrel is giving his left nut to make your birthday special" LOVE daddy and the kids (6 and 3)! Seriously??? LOL My first mother's day card from the Kids read: "Tired? hair a mess? overwhelmed? Yep, you're a mother!" yeah, thanks for pointing out the obvious!

As for the valentines gift, YES I WOULD BE PISSED TOO!!! He obviously got it out of spite and not being thoughtfull in a nice way.

We do have to kind of cut them some slack though, they just aren't geared to be romantic. All we can do is communicate our needs and hopefully they will hit it in the park and not go foul everything. Don't expect a home run or anything!

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I get what you are going through. My husband either goes to walmart the day of or orders online and pays way too much for overnight shipping! I just try to talk to him about it when its not around the time, so he doesn't attach it to the holiday. He is wonderful at picking out cards, except when it comes to the kids: he actually got a card with a squirrel on it that says "Larry the squirrel is giving his left nut to make your birthday special" LOVE daddy and the kids (6 and 3)! Seriously??? LOL My first mother's day card from the Kids read: "Tired? hair a mess? overwhelmed? Yep, you're a mother!" yeah, thanks for pointing out the obvious!

As for the valentines gift, YES I WOULD BE PISSED TOO!!! He obviously got it out of spite and not being thoughtfull in a nice way.

We do have to kind of cut them some slack though, they just aren't geared to be romantic. All we can do is communicate our needs and hopefully they will hit it in the park and not go foul everything. Don't expect a home run or anything!

I don't celebrate V-day. I've told my husband to please, please do not buy me a card or candy or flowers. Flowers die. Candy will make me fat. He can tell me he loves me every day (which he does and then some!) so I don't need a mushy card. We haven't "celebrated" V-day in years. My husband is totally okay with this and quite honestly, he agrees with me. No hurt feelings on either side.

Let me ask you something: Does you husband get you good gifts for your birthday and Christmas? And how important is the gift? I don't want to hurt your feelings but I sort of get where your husband might find your insistence to have a gift a little materialistic. My husband gave me a gift for Christmas one year that I totally did not expect...or even ask for. It was a book by Kevin Trudeau. I'm sure many of you heard of this quack. He claims to have all the answers that doctors don't have. Yes, this is one of those books my beloved husband gave me. We always video tape each other opening Christmas gifts on Christmas morning. This particular Christmas was no exception. My expression and my obvious look of distaste for the gift that my husband picked out especially for me was captured on video and not only can you see how disappointed I was, but you can hear the disappointment in his voice as he lovingly asked, "What, you don't like it? I thought you would have liked it." It was a humbling experience for me.

You want a spa day? Can't you just make an appointment for yourself and do it? Why does he have to initiate it? You wanted the book at your church....you should have bought it and said joyfully, "Look, honey, I got the book I wanted." Maybe your husband means well....maybe he's clueless. That is why I asked if you get nice gifts for birthday and Christmas. I would let it go....a gift is a material possession and I do not believe whatsoever that a gift, no matter how much it cost, how big or small it is, or how much time or effort was made in choosing it "shows" love. Gifts are not a substitute for love, nor are they expressions of love.

I hope you didn't give him those gifts, returned than and instead got something for yourself. I 100% agree with you and would be very angry, resentful and bitter over his callousness and obvious disregard for your feelings and spoken preferences.

I would not get him anymore gifts and just give him cards on special days... he doesn't deserve it.

Buy yourself things more often... because if you don't - no one else will.

Gracious and thoughtful gift giving COMMUNICATES - there is no way around that. If he has always been a crappy gift giver, that's one thing - he never learned. But if he USED TO BE thoughtful, he is being lazy and takingy ou for granted.

With my DH, I found that praising the heck out of OLD gifts - ones he gave me before he had a commitment from me - helped get him back on track.

I go out of my way to teach my sons to be thoughtful about giving (though only one is really old enough yet for this to matter).

For people who think gift giving isn't a way of saying "I am paying attention", I submit the year my MIL have me hangers for Christmas. They were nice hangers. And I am *pretty* sure I wasn't pregnant that year (seriously, no one could be that mean, right?), but I think THAT spoke volumes.

Hmmm, Either he is very thick skulled or this was passive aggressive. Some people are just not good gift givers. If you think he is being spiteful or passive aggressive maybe marriage counseling is in order. If not, maybe you should come to a very clear understanding going forward about gifts that meet both your needs. It would be easy to say don't exchange gifts, buy your own...but would this satisfy your need to give? I can understand your disappointment at this years valnetines gift and hopefully you can come to something that honors both of you in the future.

My husband is not a gift giver period - not because he doesn't care its just not his thing. I on the other hand love shopping for and giving gifts to others - it makes me feel good. The point of giving a gift is not to receive one - so if your giving a gift to him only to have it reciproccated you then your heart is in the wrong place.

I think everyone likes to receive gifts - its fun but if that is not your husband's way of showing he loves you then I would move on and start spending the money you spend on his gifts on yourself. Obviously it does not sound like it is making you happy to buy him gifts and then not receive anything.

Yes, I would be upset.

I'm upset because hubby and I don't typically exchange gifts, we save our money and go away for a long weekend as a family. This morning he gives me the crappy heart shaped box of candy (I don't like those kinds of candies, I'm diabetic, trying to loose weight, our weekend is already booked, we went to lunch which was my gift), completely thoughtless. I wanted to pick it up and throw it in the garbage. I'm doing my best to be gracious, since he seems so proud that he did something. I really don't feel like arguing about it.

Showing your love for each other is about the things you do in your daily life, not gifts. Although, picking up a small thoughtful little unexepected something is one of those ways.

Although I know it's really hard, as I'm trying to do the same, just except that he's a horrible gift giver.

Happy Valentine's Day! Enjoy your dinner.

Tracyxo, I know it has been over a year since you posted, however I thought I would respond anyway since I just read your post, as well as the other gals responses. Those responses seemed to me as if those other gals were great at giving your/their husband'(s) excuses for irresponsible behavior within the marriage relationship as well as knowingly hurting your feelings. I do hope you have healed from your Feb 2011 hurtful Valentine's Day and I pray you won't let the memory come back and open the old wound, if you read my post further... Any thinking person understands when a person talks about something like the card and presents list as you described that you did, that person is hurting deeply and they are trying to ward off yet another emotional wound. Too bad your husband didn't get it, and too bad the other posters had little compassion for you to see more than a way to continue to baby a husband who refuses to recognize his own unloving actions. I recommend you and he attend a few marriage weekends like Dennis Rainey's ministry offers. Perhaps an irresponsible husband - in the line of listening to his wife when she is sharing her heart and emotional needs/love language with him - will CONTINUE to act out as irresponsible if he is spoiled continually by his wife, just like an adult child will not do chores or pay their own way if the parents continue to provide everything. Does God tell the husband in Ephesians 5:22, 28-31, & Peter 3:7, to cherish his wife, to love her, to dote over her, or to expect her to serve him for the purpose to keep him selfish chronically? Should his wife recieve her emotional needs by sacrifice, expecting to be shunned especially for very special days? I find the book your husband chose to give you for the special day, Valentine's Day, totally inappropriate, rude, & unloving. He most certainly should have given you such a message another day and NOT coupled his message with a special day, especially Valentine's Day!! He needs to grow up, and you need to stop babying him with wonderful gifts! There is a thing called codependant... You can love him, but make sure your actions are not sympathetic to the areas where he is incapable to offer kindness and compassion to you and your marriage relationship, especially when you have shared your grieving heart with him!! I say call him to be responsible in your marriage relationship when he has been informed, without doubt, that your heart is aching for his attention!! We have been married since 1977, and treating each other as the scriptures speak about is the only thing that always works positively. The position of the husband in the home and his related responsibilities are quite clearly defined in principle in Ephesians 5:22, 28-31. "Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, even as Christ is head of the church; and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject to Christ, so let wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wife as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it . . . So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church . . . For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shal.1 be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh".

It is impossible to completely deal with the responsibilities of the husband in such a short article. I am going to ask you to make some notations of scriptures and then read them at a later time. Let us start with some scriptures that deal with the husband as head of the house. Genesis 3:16, says in part "her desire shall be to man". Then Eph. 5:23, "husband is head of the wife"; then I Tim. 2:11-12, "She shall have no dominion over a man". Now don't stop at these verses and think that the only responsibility of the husband is to be HEAD of the house. By the way, head does not mean master as in a master-slave relationship, nor does it mean a relationship like a general to a private in the army. It is more like a partnership where one is the leader, guide, director. Now consider this. Can you think of any decision that a husband should make WITHOUT consulting or considering his wife and her wishes? I cannot!

Now let us consider some other responsibilities. The husband is to love his wife above all other human beings. Consider Eph. 5:25 and 28; and Col. 3:19. These passages teach that the husband is to be considerate and tender. The verses in Ephesians 5 teach that the husband is to cherish his wife. This means that she is to be treated with tenderness and affection. This would mean that since love must be fed, there is to be a warm demonstrative love relationship. The husband has the responsibility of not only demonstrating his love and concern, but telling her. He should not sit in such self-absorption that he does not talk with her and communicate with her socially, mentally, verbally and physically. The husband will demonstrate his love for his wife in other ways, rather than just at the time of sexual relationship. If this is the only time that affection and consideration is shown, then a wife will get the idea that all a husband is interested in is her body and that she is merely a sex object.

I Peter 3:7, teaches that the husband is to honor his wife. She gave up her name to take yours. Honor means that you should show her respect and this involves courtesy, consideration and emotional support. Be sure that as her husband that you do not hold her up to ridicule in public by the cutting remarks that you make. She wears YOUR name and is to viewed as part of your body. She is not perfect and you are aware of this. Do not expect perfection, but as Ephesians 4:32 teaches, "forbear one another". This means to be gentle toward her. Control of temper, abstaining from physical violence and restraining a sharp tongue that makes one feel so inferior - are ways by which you can exhibit forbearance.

Paul presents another responsibility of husbands in I Timothy 5:8 - "But if any provide not for his own, especially for those of his own household, he hath denied the faith and is worse than an infidel". Marriage is a financial venture and the husband has a responsibility to finance or support or provide for his family. This is talking about money. As a husband, your earnings are not your own but belong to your wife as well and your children.

Another responsibility of the husband is to be active in the area of the discipline and rearing of the children. When the Apostle Paul was giving the qualifications for elders and deacons, he included this statement that is certainly applicable to all men: I Timothy 3:3-5, and he speaks of ruling your own house. Now this discipline should be with love. Many times discipline is administered without love. The Book says in Ephesians 6:4, "Fathers provoke not your children to wrath", and again in Colossians 3:21, "Fathers provoke not your children to anger lest they be discouraged". The husband therefore does not leave all the discipline up to his wife, but shares in the molding and direction of your children. It is not a proper division of responsibility to say that as the husband I will provide the living and the wife is to take care of the house and children. The husband has duties even after his days work is done by which lie is earning a living to support his family.

The Christian father should set an example for his family as he earns a living, directs the household with concern for each member, and as he fulfills his role as head of the house. He should see to their spiritual development by the life he lives and the direction in which he leads his family.

Your wife is a part of your body - you are a part of each other. For this reason Paul said, "Love your wife". He didn't say, if you want to. As you love her, you love yourself and are fulfilling the role that the Lord wanted you to have.