Do I Forgive Him

He's not taking any responsibility for his actions if he even thinks of blaming you in anyway. Even if you aren't affectionate at all, its his responsibility to talk to you about it and make changes together. He will NOT change if he doesn't show he's responsible for his choices.

You have a tough decision to make. Big hugs to you.

If you decide to stick it out, I'd advise not just marriage counseling, but financial counseling. If this is the root of your problems, then it's something that needs to be addressed.

Good luck. I'm so, so sorry that you have to go through this.

I think there are two reasons men cheat. they are wired for sexual affection and as men, need it. reason one, the wife doesn't give it up, no kissing, no fun, no sex. If you only have sex every 4-6 months you are raising your chances of being cheated on. I think, and bear with me, women need to be in control of that. you hold the power to keep him in YOUR bed, not someone elses, simple. If you do have sex, lets say even once a month or twice, and he is still cheating, well than we go to reason two. reason two is that he is simply just a cheater. you have to decide if his reasons are one of these or a little of both. if he at ALL is cheating because he is just a cheater, say goodbye, and find yourself a loving man, who you want to be all over, all the time.

In my opinion, if you never give it up, the man will eventually explode. i don't think it's fair to do that to a man, unless he is making you incredibly unhappy to where you don't want to be intimate for other behavior. If that is the case and he just simply is making you unhappy, than get rid of him anyway, sex or not. but if he is giving you his ALL, and you still don't want sex or affection, maybe there is a medical problem I don't know, than you should try counseling because I do think men cheat for these reasons. I don't completely know your situation, for me, my ex husband made my stomach turn with his abusive language and disrespect. the thought of having sex with him made my stomach turn, so, why stay married if I was that unhappy? I didn't, I left him 7 years ago and have since remarried to a handsome, caring, loving man that I am crazy about. we have a satisfying love life, and yes we have our marital issues like everyone, but we both recognize what each other's needs are. I think the way your husband handled the situation is not cool at all and am in no way excusing his behavior. he should have talked to you about not having his sexual needs met. if he has, and you gave no effort, it makes a man stray I think. especially if you oblige and just lay there. that is not real affection or even considered engaging sex. counseling is worth the try like i said if you do love him and can work through your issues. NO ONE CAN TELL YOU WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU!!!!!you have to decide what you want out of life. you are only on this earth once. don't spend it with someone who lies and is deceitful. if you think he'll still do it after you try counseling, that is, if that is what your willing to do, than you should consider leaving and taking everything. good luck!

The hickeys are a serious sign. I remember when I was in high school, I would not let my boyfriend give me hickeys because I knew my Mom would see them and I would be in big trouble. Your husband does not respect you. Not even enough to hide his "mistake". This must be very difficult for you. I am sorry you have to deal with this. Please go to a therapist. If he does not go with, go alone. Work on you. Do not make any decisions to leave today. Just make a step to see someone. The rest will work itself out.
GOOD LUCK MOMMA!

M.,

Firstly I have to send you a virtual hug...(((M.)))
I am so sorry that you are having to live through this.

I am going to be frank here if that is okay with you. Your husbands hand was forced to tell you because there was no way on earth that he could have covered up those hickies. This is why you got the information.

I read that you already forgave him for lack of a better term, when he did this to you the first time. I understand that you love him and have a past but I question you now M..

The question that I have for you is, what are your boundaries? At what point in his behavior is any of this okay with you? I am not hearing that any of it is okay with you actually.

You need to decide some things for yourself here.
1. Is this how you want to be treated?
2. What are the avenues that he can take that would make you stay?
3. What can the two of you do as a couple that would allow your family unit to heal and survive this?

You certainally know the value of good M.. He does not appear to hold himself nor you to the same standard. You should be treated more precious to him than himself. Is this behavior accomplishing that for you?

I am sorry M. that you are living in this but you need to question right now what M. wants. If he cannot do what you ask of him to clear this mess up, you may be forced to make other decisions for yourself and your family lest this behavior eats you alive more than it already has.

I am here for you, to listen, and encourage correct thinking. This thinking would benefit your entire family but certainally protect you first because if you crumble, your family crumbles.

Remember your value.....then work from there. Okay?

K.

I was married previously (without kids) and my ex-husband allegedly started cheating on me 2 weeks after he got my name tattooed (in chineese letters) down his arm, of course I stayed with him for over a year after that, constantly accusing him of cheating on me, I cried everyday on my way to work, on the way home, this was no way to live, finally I overheard him taking to a friend on the phone, about storing stuff in his garage, I confronted him right then and there, of course he denied cheating, but knew it was a lie, he used to bowl on friday nights with some buddies, well he left me a vm at 3:30 saying he was leaving home early to hang out with his friends before bowling, well his friend called me at 6:30 wondering where he was and they were going to be late- complete red flag- so anyway, when I confronted him I found out that his plan was to take the day off of work while I was at work and clean me out..... needless to say he left that night probally went to her house, but anyway, silly me helped him move out the very next day. He cleaned our account out and left me with just a couple of dollars, not even, if I remember is was $.74. This was the very best thing that happened to me. I am so much stronger and happier, met a great man, have an excellent child. My ex used to put me down all of the time, tell me I was worthless, and stupid and the ultimate, "I was TOO FAT for SEX!" (even though I was the same weight I was the day we married) that was his explanation as to why we didn't make love very often (of couse he also called love making the f-word) My self asteem was completly shot. I ran to the doctor to make sure that I didn't get and STD (my doctor thought that I was crazy) I didn't know if my ex protected himself or not, thankfully I did not. I have been cheated on by almost all of the men that I have dated and married with the exception of my current husband. It really hurts to think that no one wants to be with you, but really, in the end you have to be about yourself and your needs and wants, in addition to your children, if you are happy, they will be happy, if you are sad they too will be sad. So do what is going to make you happy, counceling, staying together working it out, or divorce. I don't see that you will ever trust him again or believe him when he is going out and what he is doing. I couldn't with my ex, and it made things so much worse. I am sorry to make this long and ramble on, but no one should be treated like this, ever. Men (and women) make such excuses for this behaviour and I think it is horrible, you didn't tell him to do it, you didn't force his to do it, he did it on his own and should accept responsiblity for it, not try to put the blame on you. If you need to talk please feel free to contact me.

I think it's wonderful to hear other perspectives, but when it comes right down to it, it's about the relationship that you and your husband have, not anyone else's ideas.

Having said that, personally I'd try to save a marriage where there are kids involved, but that doesn't mean allowing yourself to be mistreated. Telling you what he was thinking while he was with someone else is manipulative. And definitely, protect yourself if you have sex.

You should see a counselor, someone who can help you work through your own needs and feelings. If nothing else, a counselor can help clarify for you what can't be repaired and support you to end the marriage if you need to. If divorce seems likely, you also start working on a financial plan because divorce won't solve the money issues (and you would still be co-parenting, too.)

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Seek out counseling DEFINITELY!! This can be worked out, if he is not willing to go go for you and then you will know what to do next! These moms have given great advice! Focus on what makes YOU happy and work on YOU!!

You have a tuff decision and I am so sorry that you are in this situation and that some man would do this to you. Like the other lady said you have to do whats best for you and YOUR kids. But I can tell you just by getting out is not going to solve all the problems- you need to be aware of that. And you really need to put your kids first. But also don't stay in a marriage if you are just okay- you want to love and be in love with the man that you are with. If you do stay together he will have to know that it is going to take a long time to trust him- you shouldn't trust him either. What he did to you was horrible and the fact that it wasn't the first time just makes it worse.
Again I am so sorry that you are going through this but hang in there... whatever decision you make will be the right one!

*Hugs* I feel so bad for you, M.! Number one, he is a jerk for trying to blame this on you. You have nothing to do with his cheating! I think you need to decide for yourself and your kids what you are willing to put up with. It is a very hard decision. I, personally, will not put up with cheating. I can understand forgiving him the first time, for the kids sake. But, you gave him another chance, and he blew it. Once he's a cheater, he's always a cheater in my book. I think the only reason he told you was because he couldn't hide it. I also think it will happen again. That said, I think that you and him need to sit down and talk and go to marriage counseling- both of you and you go individually as well. I think that you and a professional counselor can help you decide what needs to be done. If he shows that he is committed to working on your marriage by going to counseling and understanding why you don't trust him and have many insecurities about him, than maybe this marriage stands a chance. I think because there are kids involved, I think you owe it to them to go to counseling and try to figure out your feelings. Whatever happens, I think that you should not blame yourself at all. If someone truly loves you, they would not cheat on you- regardless of how much affection they are getting at home. He is just trying to blame you because he knows he did something wrong and feels guilty about it. Good luck, and try not to blame yourself. Go to counseling ASAP for yourself, and try to get your husband to go to marriage counseling as well.

I can tell you what I would do but you have to do what is best for you. You have to decide if you are ever going to trust him. If you are able to forgive him and trust him you have to let go of this now. However if it were me. I would leave him. I would always be wondering is he cheating. There is no reason in this world he could give you to make it okay to cheat. and kissing is cheating. Good luck!!!

M.-

I have been thinking about this (and you) all day. I think that you have a lot to think about, up to and including your two children. I think the most important questions to ask yourself are "Is your husband really sorry for what he did" and "Is he committed to doing whatever it takes to make this right?"

Another poster indicated that your husband came clean because he knew that he wouldn't be able to hide the hickey's. What do you believe?

As I have posted before, my father cheated on my mother and had another child with that woman. While my father claims it was a one-night stand, the end result was that I grew up with two parents who struggled with their marriage for many, many years. Today, though, they are happier than ever and can proudly say that they have been together for almost 40 years. My in-laws, however, cheated on each other and divorced and they are the most miserable people. With these experiences, my perspective is much different than I would have originally thought having grown up with what I grew up with. My going in position was always not to tolerate cheating. As another poster said, once a cheater, always a cheater. To some degree, I believe this. However, there are some people who are troubled by life who just make bad decisions. If your husband is truly sorry and willing to do what it takes, then some counseling could help him understand what he is doing to himself, to you and ultimately his kids.

As for you. I would definately get yourself tested. While your husband says that he hasn't been unfaithful sexually, I wouldn't trust him just yet. Whether you decide to work things out or not, trust is something that is earned and he (while you have the history together) has broken that trust. You have 2 children to think about and so you need to get yourself tested ASAP and continue testing until your Doctor clears you from this incident and any other potential incidents. Your husband is scared right now and so while he has come clean, it's hard to say how honest he is being. You can't mess around with your health.

As for your husband blaming your lack of intimacy as the reason for his betrayal. It is a documented fact that men show and feel love through intimacy and that is difficult for them to do so mentally and emotionally and so when intimacy isn't there, they do tend to feel a loss. Having said this, though, blaming you is NOT the answer. He needs to step up and be a man about what he has done and commit to making it right. That you andhe had lost the spark is no reason to look elsewhere. If he was this upset about it, he needed to find ways to create the spark with you.

I hope for you and your family that your husband is being honest and that he is committed to making things right. I also hope that if you are committed to working things out, that you can do so with an open heart and with a new passion for making your marriage a happy one with intimacy and that this will be just an eye-opener for both of you. Seven years is a long time to be married and they say that there is the seven year itch for a reason.

Best wishes and big hugs.
N.

Dear M.. I am sorry you are going thru this. My PERSONAL opinion, is to not stay together with someone just because you have kids. I dont have these problems, thankfully, but my sis in law has been going thru them for 20 yrs. Her husband is a huge cheat, always has been, always will, will never change. THey have 2 kids and finally she has come to terms that it is not entirely her fault(nor is it entirely yours-it always takes 2) and she finally filed for divorce. I am not saying for you to do that, but you need to go with your heart, do whats best for you and your kids. I firmly beleive my neice and nephew would not be the way they are today had the parents resolved their issues somehow, someway a long time ago.

If this is not the first time this has happened, then chances are it wont be the last.Do not sell yourself short, you deserve to be happy. Ultimately, any feelings, whether good or bad will filter down to the kids and that I dont agree with.

Alot of men it seems(I only say men, because I hear this complaint from men/woman about men alot lately)..alot of men seem to use the less affectionate now as an excuse. If you are less affectionate, have you 2 ever sat down and discussed why? Could it be your a mom, a housewife, and a wife and there just are not enough hours in the day anymore? Could it be you feel your lacking something?

Remember this is not all your fault. He is not innocent and until you both sit down and try and figure out why he feels your less affectionate and if there is someway to come to a happy median, things will probably not change.

Best of luck to you.

K.
www.arkparties.com

i would try a marital or sex therapist I'd want to fight for my family it may be worth a shot

Hi M.,
I'm very sorry for what you're going through. I'm going through something similar. Throughout everything that's happened in my 8 year relationship (we're not married, seperated I'm at my mom's and have 2 kids) and now me finding out similar things like you it's made me want to live my life by a different moto.

Life is so short. If you're not happy then move on!

Is he right about the affection thing? Do you want to be more affectionate towards him? We are only human, women cheat too. Obviously he's missing something from the relationship between you two. Are you willing to fix it? Do you want to fix it? Your decision. Follow your heart, gut, intuition. You'll be fine.

Oh M....I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Well, from what you have written here are my thoughts:
If he has hickeys, they did not just kiss. You do not get hickeys from just kissing. Deft more was involved which means he has not told you the whole truth. Also, with him trying to put the blame on you for his cheating, it means he is not really sorry and not ready to take responsibility for his actions. He hopes his sorry will make this ok. Actions speak louder then words, always remember that. Marriage is hard...It is filled with good times but also bad times. And how much you love each other, respect each other and care for each other comes out in those bad times. So far, he has failed miserably with how much he respects you, loves and cares for you. Considering this is the second time he's cheated on you, there will also probably be a third, fourth, and so on.
However, this is your life and your choice. If you both (not just you but him as well) wnat to make it work, you need to go to counsling and he needs to be very committed to making it work.
What really bugs me is you wrote he left the house a couple hours early to go do this. He planned this out. He meant to go do this. It wasn't a drunken accident (not that those are ok either) and it wasn't some spontanous fling (agian, not that those are ok). But he planned to do this. This action alone proves to me that he is a cheater and you will have a very hard time even with counsling.
I will keep you in my prayers and stay strong! I know this breaks your heart, but he's a lousy husband. You deserve better, even if that means being without him.

You just described my marriage as well. My husband and I have been married 6 years and we have had the very same problems. We also have 2 kids and our love life has suffered, he complains about that and I have made an effort to rekindle the passion, I am not a sexual person by nature and especially now, so it does require some effort, but I do love my husband and I do know things have changed. Since I have put forth the effort, we are happier, we joke more often, we laugh, it feels good, and I have forgiven, but not forgotten and that is sometimes hard ot deal with. I just live my life every day and hope that I make good choices for me and my kids. My husband is a great dad and loves his kids so much. Go with your gut, not what others say, some will say get a divorce, but if you are not feeling that, you are the one who has to live your life, so if you jump into a decision you are not sure of, you are the one who suffers. I am here to talk anytime.
M.

As I read your story it sickened me as well. I don't know how you feel but I don't think that I would stay with him especially b/c this is the 2nd chance. If you do keep him around you are going to have to keep tabs on him which is no fun for either of you. Maybe just tell him you need a break and he needs to move out for awhile. But put a time limit on it like 1 month, then meet up maybe for dinner and discuss what YOU want not what he wants. Good Luck to you, I hope everything turns out the way you want it.

I think there are several issues that you need to address if you want both of you to be happy in your marriage, and if you want your children to grow up in a happy, healthy household. My best advise would be to seek out marital counseling. This is the best way to get out how each of you is feeling in a productive matter and get help in working it out. I would call around today and not waste time and let feelings get worse between you.
Good luck!

I worked with a women who went to the doctor and found out she had a sexually transmitted disease. She could not understand why because she was married. Turns out her husband had been cheating on her.
Just something to think about. If someone will kiss a married man god only knows who else she has been with. I am a single mom at 41 with a 15 month old and a 3 year old. There father left us. It is hard being a single mom- very hard- but easier than living with someone who cheats. I will keep you in my prayers.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I would definitely get counseling. Tell him that you are going to counseling and that if he wants another chance he also needs to go. That being said, there are several things you also need to do.
1- Get tested!! It is not worth the risk.
2- No Sex!!! He needs to earn the right back if it is even possible.
3- Talk to him- this means actually talk not scream at each other.

Another poster said guys cannot live without sex. This may be true for some but I have 3 children. With all 3 pregnancies I was on bedrest and had c-sections. Each time my husband had to do without for at least 3 months! Not to be crude but if things are that desparate he knows what to do!! There is no excuse for cheating. I can say without fail that I have no tolerance for cheaters! I have been lucky enough to have been married for 17 yrs to a special guy. He has talked to me about times when things are not often enough for his needs shall we say. He asks if there is a problem. Communication is the key.

I wish I knew what to say or do to make this right for you but only you can decide that! You need to think long and hard about whether you can ever trust this man again. Do not I repeat do not stay together for the kids sakes. My parents were divorced when I was 2. My mom was wife #3 and he cheated on each and every one of them. He is now married for the 6th time!! Each marraige ended for the same reason. I hope this one is different but I am not holding my breath. I can honestly say that I cannot picture my parents together. If they had stayed together I can only imagine the nubmer of fights I would have witnessed. My parents are friendly with each other. My dad is actually now married to my mom's cousin(don't ask. let's just say I could fill a whole Jerry Springer show with my dad's issues!) My point is I am thankful that my parents made the decision to not stay together. Back in the 70's things would have been easier for my mom if she were not a working single mom but we did just fine!! She met a wonderful man and they have been married 29 yrs. Please take time to think about all of these things that all of us are saying. Weigh things carefully and make a decision based on what is best for you. If mom is not happy then trust me that will affect the kids more than you think. Most of all do not take the blame for the way he is acting. Make sure you let him know that he has broken your trust and it is going to be a long time before you can ever trust him again if ever. My thoughts are with you.

What a horrible thing to have to go through. Ultimately, no one can tell you what the right thing to do is, you have to decide what is right for you.

I disagree with the woman who said that men cheat if you don't have sex with them enough. Yes, men need to have sex regularly, but if they don't, not all stray. I think they stray if they are selfish and possibly unhappy and some because they believe nothing is wrong with it. No matter what the reason, you have to decide what it means for you and what you would be happy with.

I think that is what it comes down to. Also, you shouldn't put yourself in a situation where he is calling all the shots. A marriage is hard work and it takes too people to do the hard work. And two people to work together when you are going through the downs to figure out what will make you both happy.

Sit down and list out what you like about your marriage and what you thinks needs work. Make a list about what needs to change for you to stay in the marriage and what will make you leave if it doesn't. Are you at the point whee counseling will help, do you want to do a trial separation?

I wish you good luck. And remember you are a wonderful person who deserves someone to treat you well and love you. Marriage doesn't include the rush of a new relationship, but it can be magical in other ways (and tough too.)

I am sorry that you are going through this. First of all it is not your fault that he cheated on you!!! Don't ever belive that, he made his own choice. That said, if you feel like you want to try to work things out I think you should go to marriage counseling and stick with it. If you don't want to work it out that's up to you, your kids can still grow up in a happy home, and no matter if you are living together or not they will always have 2 parents that love them very much. You just have to follow your gut, what is right for you may not be right for the next person.

Something tells me that this is not the first time that your husband and this other person were together. I personally would not go around giving hickey's to someone the first time I was with them. And this other person obviously wants him to get cought otherwise why would she of left the marks on his neck? I'm sorry to be so blunt, but for 5 years I went through a relationship where he cheated all of the time. Always was my fault!
Stick up for your self and do not let anyone push you around.Don't let anyone do this to you. Take pride in you, and he will see what he has done.