Do friends/SOs of Your Teenage or Adult Kids Reach Out to You Directly?

My daughter's friends knew that they could come to me if they didn't feel comfortable going to their parents to talk, and as long as they were not in a situation that put them or someone else in danger, I would keep their confidence. They knew that I would talk to their parents if I felt they were in danger, and they accepted that.
Several of her friends referred to me as their bonus mom.

I don't know how I'd handle this. I do know if he wants to be with her he's going to do it. SO that would mean she'd be over at my house each and every time they were together. That way "I" had eyes on them.

I think she's trying to show you she's better now. He's almost legally old enough to tell you that he's not going to do what you want then just leave. You have the opportunity here to help him learn a lesson. The more he's with her the more he's going to get really tired of her. Absence only makes the heart remember the good times and being around someone all the time shows every crack, inconsistency, and annoying thing they do.

None of us can tell you what her motives are. Look, she's a mixed up teenager. Mixed up is putting it mildly after what she went through.

I think you are wrong to be pushing your own thoughts of upbringing into today's kids.

Yes, I've been asked for advice and been treated like a surrogate mom by many of my kids' friends. Not my son's girlfriend, though. But it would have been okay if she had.

Because she asked to let your son come to her Dad's birthday party after what sounds to like "sucking" up to you I suggest she is clumsily trying to manipulate you. Because she has major mental health issues I would continue to be gracious and I would not get close to her. Even if shes calling because she needs support you cannot be a part of her support group. Think of how helping her would not be helpful to yourself or your son. It might be easy to get sucked in. Just continue as you've been doing as described here.

You didn't ask but I suggest that being grounded for several months is not helpful. Consequences should be about helping your son to learn. He's more likely to sneak out. Also he needs to have friends. I suspect you're grounding him so he can't see his girlfriend I suggest there are more effective ways to do that. For example keeping her close so not only you know what is happening but also that your son has the opportunity to lose interest. Anything you forbid will take on more interest and intent for your son.

I had close relationships with my kids' friends. I wouldn't have been offended by them contacting me for any reason. I always tried to be a mother figure to them, especially to those who needed one. I was, and still am, FB friends with a number of them.

This girl has issues, and she's probably just trying to make you like her. I wouldn't over-analyze her motives. She's just a teen, and very little that they do makes any sense. ;)

I dated someone in high school who used to keep in touch with my mother. He would call her and talk to her for quite a while and did so for quite some time. His own mother was out of state, he was raised by his father and grandparents, and he was comfortable with her. Yes, I cringed too.

I think she is searching for a little attention, knows she made a mistake, and is a lost young girl. Maybe she is not grounded in her relationship with her own family and likes what you offer your son.

she sounds like a courteous young woman to me.
could be a psycho game to lure you in and then weave the family into a web of her drama. but why not assume the best? you're already handling the poor behavior by your son very well, so why attribute nefarious motives to this teenager? you already know she's troubled, but her interactions with YOU haven't been over the top.
i don't consider a girl sending her boyfriend a picture the end of the world.
she's clearly not picking up your cues that you don't enjoy the contact, but it certainly wouldn't bother me. it was not at all unusual for the teens in my former teenagers' lives to contact me or use me as a sounding board. heck, i'm FB friends with most of those kids now, including former gfs!
khairete
S.

Our son doesn't have a girlfriend yet.
In your place I'd be careful.
This girl whirled out of control then got caught and is now being closely watched.
I think she knows how to make the right sounds/moves to convince people that she's getting better so her watch dogs will relax their guard on her.
These sorts of problems don't go away over night - she's got years of therapy in her future.
It's nice she wants to talk with you but consider that you have the power to rescind your son's grounding and he doesn't - she's working on you to get her way.
If they were having sex (probable) this might not be something that just fizzles itself out quickly.
Your first concern is your son and I'd encourage him to move on, think about his future (college) and just enjoy hanging out with friends so he's not worrying whether he'll get a call about any more suicide attempts - that's not a sort of stress he should have to live with.
I'd keep this girl at a distance and not trust her.
Your son will be working on building trust back with you for a long while as it is.
Do her parents/doctors know she's calling you and what she's asking?
If they don't, they should.
She might be pulling an end run around them.
I wouldn't put it past her.

Interesting.

Our daughters friends were always welcome to call or email me, heck I still hear from some of them each week through FB and they have graduated from college now.

Back when I was a teen and went out with young men, there were times I spoke with the moms, even some that were not too thrilled with me. I had 2 strikes. 1. My parents were divorced! And my mom was pretty, smart and had a life.

2 I am Hispanic! Holy cow, looked like it too! Brown skin, long black hair.
They had no idea what to think of their Anglo sons dating a Mexican, you know how those girls get pregnant so easily... Yep, heard that from a dad of one of these guys..

I was used to a very open and honest home life. We could speak or ask about anything. My closest friends, their parents were the same, I could sit with any of them and have great conversations, and they seemed just fine with it. All of our parents told us, if we ever needed someone to speak with to please not be shy.

No hidden agenda, no manipulation, just teens who enjoy mature conversations and are used to speaking with all sorts of adults.

FYI, this girl is not crazy. She is depressed. That does not mean she is totally unstable, it means that like everyone else at some point in their lives, she is struggling with mental illness.

If you are worried about your son, seek help for him too. No one can make him do anything he does not want to, including you. So keep as much and any communication open, with no judgement, believe me, she knows who you are and that you do not care for her. Same with your son.

I wouldn't be all buddy-buddy with her.
She is mentally ill or unstable.
You don't know what her "angle" is in being like this with you.
Who knows.
If she is reaching out to you, making you her "friend" or confidant... well, her Boyfriend's Mom, is you. Or maybe she has to do this as a matter of her counseling. ie: making amends to those she wronged.
But still, you do not know her mental status etc.

I would, concentrate on your son and teaching him... how not to be a "co-dependent" etc. He is young. He needs to learn and be taught... about things like this. If not with this girl, then wouldn't you want him to learn about himself/about boundaries, and knowing when/if a relationship is toxic or not?
Concentrate on him, and teaching him, needed things. About relationships/about himself/about who he is/and about making decisions. And how to recognize, toxic or mentally unhealthy, relationships.
Sure, MAYBE he will learn on his own.
But, many people, even adults, do not learn on their own. About relationships or about their choice in choosing toxic partners. And they continually will be co-dependent or with toxic partners.
Teach your son, how to gauge himself and others and to KNOW when any friend or relationship is, toxic and when it is... a vicious cycle.

I wonder if your son is pulling away from her and she sees you as a way back "in" with him. It's a tough situation and I don't envy you. FWIW, I think a few months grounding is a bit much. My daughter snuck out of her dad's house once b/c he's too strict and won't ever let her do anything. She's maybe stayed out until midnight once at my house. I know where she is and who she's with and as long as the honesty continues we're golden.

For what to respond, just say I hope you're doing well and we'll address that issue when its closer to the time. She may just truly be sorry for her behavior and is genuinely sorry.

JB-

You've got a lot on your plate, but here's more to consider. When in HS, I was dating a young man. His younger sister was troubled, and was abusing alcohol and hurting herself. Instead of turning to her parents, she confided in and sought help from another adult.

The mother was doubly hurt. Hurt because her daughter was in a bad way. Hurt because her daughter hadn't turned to her for help. Hurt because the dirty laundry had been aired.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I try to be compassionate, but my family comes first. The girl may be trying to get an "in" by warming up to you so you will back off on the grounding. Personally, I would stick to the grounding and not allow him to see her. I would also hope, like you, that it will fizzle out. I just would not want my teenage son to be dating someone with all these serious issues. She needs some serious help and everything that happened is a lot for a 16 year old boy to deal with. I'm sure she's a lovely girl, but my gut would keep telling me to not become "friends" with her and to keep my son away as you are doing.

Another angle: It might be that you are the most stable adult figure in her life, and she is reaching out to you for a connection.

My boyfriends in high school were close to my parents. As in, I would come home from school or work, and find them sitting in the living room all chatting. I had no idea they would be there. There's a separate set of issues with that.
But for one of them, my parents were close enough to him that they actually offered to pay for him to go to college (he couldn't afford it on his own).

So, I can't give you any guidance on how to interpret this, but wanted to give you a different angle.
I would tread lightly and be very clear and honest with her in your conversations. Do not waver. You might be exactly what she needs.

I think she's trying to manipulate you into trusting her enough to let your son hang out with her even if he's grounded. At this point I'd probably not respond to her at all and let your son communicate that you don't want her to contact on fb.

When my kids were younger some of their friends would ask my advice on things. If they weren't huge things I'd talk with them however I had no interest in being friends with high school kids and they knew that. This girl is trying to cross into that friend of mom zone. Nothing good can come of this.

Interesting.... I wonder what kind of a relationship she has with her own parents?

Do you think that maybe she is reaching out to you, since she sees how you really do set boundaries with your own child, and she is seeking more boundaries in her own life? What are her parents like?

Does she see you as a possible confidant? Is that a role you are willing to accept?

Or... is she just a manipulative girl who thinks she can pull the wool over your eyes by being nice? Is she (as seems evident) trying to get you to relax your grounding so they can continue their relationship?

Interesting........

Sorry, no advice here, just more questions... (some I'm sure you've already had going through your head!)

JB,

She's seeking help - FINALLY - and getting it. She might be trying to mend herself and her ways.

I would give her the benefit of the doubt and say "I'll think on it and let you know closer to the event."

Then talk with your son. Test the waters with him. Find out what's going on in HIS head and what HE wants to do. I doubt he's had a friend try to commit suicide so he will be looking to you for guidance.

My oldest son had a girlfriend. She would text me occasionally - thank me for taking them some place, etc.

My youngest son? Nope. No girlfriend - yet...

My daughter? Nope. She's an adult and living on her own.

We have some friends where the kids contact me directly asking if the boys can come over, go to a movie, etc. Which is fine by me...

I don't think you are weird at all.
I don't think you have old-fashioned ideas.

Again i will state, I believe you need to give her the benefit of the doubt. Hopefully, she's getting help. If it becomes a sob story and she threatens suicide or hurting herself for not getting her way again? Manipulative.

Good luck!!

Ummm. I think it's a bit she wants to smooth over with you to keep your son..and also lack of boundaries. Some teens today have no clue that adults are not their equals. It's nice she acknowledges you, but...I would feel uneasy too. Like you, back in MY DAY, kids would rather cut their own heads off than deal with someone's parent.

Would you feel comfortable leveling with her? It seems weird to feign niceness when in realty, her behavior isn't appropriate regarding texts she sent your son and things...plus, if he and she are on the rocks (which they should be) this is no time for YOU to bond with her....I don't know. Maybe just keep the chill factor going without explaining. No to the dad's birthday..not explanation, just generic excuse or let you son answer....Or you could say, "Look Sally May, I sympathize with everything you are working out. You have done inappropriate things and I'm glad you're working toward better behavior, I know your future is bright. I'll always have my son's back as his mom, and I don't want to get too involved." But then again, however you engage her is...engaging her...
tough one!

You say she's a sweet kid. But you clearly don't like her. Perhaps this is creating tension that isn't there.

I haven't gotten there yet (my son will be 16 this summer, but no serious girlfriend so far), but I am inclined to think that this sounds like mental health issues. Possibly part and parcel of whatever else she is dealing with (though we aren't privy to what exactly those are, so... if you are, perhaps it fits with what you know) or maybe it is another variation that is an unhealthy way to avoid dealing with underlying issues. I don't know.

But it is very unusual, in my opinion. Perhaps it is manipulative towards you (to allow her to see your son), or perhaps it is manipulative towards your son (if YOU like her, he will feel like he must continue to as well?), or maybe even some twisted manipulation of her own parents?

I'm sorry your son has gotten entangled in a relationship that he is unprepared to handle.
Perhaps a call to her parents to inform them that she is contacting YOU directly now is in order... so they know what she is doing/up to.

I wish I could give you better suggestions. Unfortunately, it sounds like a difficult situation for everyone involved with no easy answers.
Good luck.

I think its weird, unless you two naturally hit it off before. I hope your son moves on... However now he's got a lot of pressure not too. Yikes. I'm sorry.