Divorce - Ugh...

I'd give counseling a chance. You two are married, and if a marriage isnt worth saving, then what is? If hes willing to try to make it work, you can at least try to. Go to counseling and see what comes of it. If you still decide on a divorce, then at least you can say that youve tried.

I would go to the counseling because the two of you will still be co-parents, whether you stay married or not. If it is possible to learn to communicate and to work together to be parents, then the counseling will have been worthwhile. Good luck.

I would go, at least if you still end up in court it will look like you tried. Counseling can also be used to help couples navigate through the divorce process. Use the session for you...be up front about your feelings and what you want. MOST IMPORTANTLY...if you don't have a lawyer, get one now and let them know what your husband has said to you about the counseling.

Go to the appointment. If you don't, he can use this in court as ammunition that you didn't even try to meet him halfway. It may be a trick he has learned from an attorney to sway the court on his behalf.

That being said, don't go into counseling with a chip on your shoulder. Try to listen effectively and be a true participant.

Good luck! I wish you all the best for your daughter and yourself!

You have gotten some great advice so for, however no one has suggested that you GET AN ATTORNEY!! Counseling can be great if BOTH parties are fully committed to it, but the fact that he basically gave you an ultimatum to appear suggests to me that someone else is pulling the strings and you need to protect yourself and you child. Please please please, if you don't already have one, get an attorney. If things work out...awesome, if not... your bases are covered.

Sounds like he is manipulating you. "Be there by noon"??? Sounds pretty controlling. I had a friend go through this - her husband tried to take all the assets, etc. He was completely delusional about the financials.

Counseling isn't a bad idea if only to get some issues out on the table with a neutral party. If this is a couple's counselor, you both have that person's attention. If this is HIS therapist, the counselor's primary focus is your husband but that doesn't mean you cannot go or that the therapist will be hostile to you in any way. However, I doubt your husband has entered therapy for his own benefit. So it wouldn't hurt to go and make a reasonable effort to at least clear the air. The goal is not to get back together necessarily - it might be HIS goal but not necessarily yours. You can say you don't know what you want to do - you are not ready to have him move back in unless and until some major things are clarified and changes put in place. Counseling may also help you clarify that you are sick and tired of what's gone on, and you're ready to divorce.

Only you know what's best for you, but I don't think avoiding counseling to prove a point is necessary. However, I would make certain that any subsequent appointments are made on a mutually beneficial schedule - none of this business of him telling you what to do and when to be there. He's just looking for a reason to say "I tried and she wouldn't cooperate."

You might also want your own counselor to help you through the transition, help you figure out what to tell your daughter as you go along, and help you figure out how to advocate for yourself.

When divorce happens, the judges often look at whether or not counseling was attempted but it doesn't affect how much child support your get or whether you get the house, etc. It lets the judge know that the couple haven't just jumped at divorce without a reasonable length of time or effort to resolve any issues, and it lets them know that one person hasn't been completely railroaded, that an objective party has been involved at some point. But don't do it for legal reasons - do it if you think it will help and/or if you think it will take away your husband's ability to blame you.

Hi M.-

I would go...for several reasons...

One, you may discover the skills/tools/awareness needed to make the marriage work...

If not, you can proceed with the divorce knowing (and being able to share in time with your child) that you honestly tried...

And also, counseling will help you navigate the divorce...and assist you both with skills needed to co parent...

You, and more importantly, your child will 'win' no matter the outcome...

Best Luck
michele/cat

You know in your heart if your husband really wants to make your marriage work because he loves you and wants to be with you versus he wants to go to counselling because he realizes he can't get out of the marriage with all the money. If you think he still loves you and wants to make this work, then go to counselling. If not, don't. You're not a bad person if you say no. You gave it four years of trying hard every.single.day.

M. what do you want?

You probably do need some counseling but for yourself not couples counseling. You may even be better served picking a counselor of your choice. I don't know the law in Texas but the spouse who leaves is the monster in NJ law even though NJ has community property where everything is split 50/50.

You will need to change some things about you if you want your marriage to work. You are not a door mat or a thing to be used and your daughter should be more than a convenience. Get a standard and maintain that standard. Only accept behavior that falls in line with your standards. Your daughter is learning by watching you. She is learning about how men treat women and how a woman should be treated.

Be encouraged because things can turn around for your good but the change must begin with you. Even if you decide you want a divorce, you teach this man how you want to be treated and what you expect and your daughter will still learn from you.

Not if you feel he only wants counseling to avoid paying child support and not if you think he is incapable of change. This kind of thing sounds like a big character flaw in him. What guy is indifferent about his own child? Go with your gut.
Blessings :)

Go to the appointment and really try. It's worth a try. There's no need to rush out of the marriage. You thought when you married him that it would be forever, so take your time to try to make it work now. Your daughter will benefit from this. And try to be really introspective and think hard about what you might be able to change about how you act, and talk that would make life better for your family. You can't change him, that's his job. You can only change you.

No, you aren't in love with him anymore... And your trust in him is completely broken. He has been putting you and your daughter at the bottom of his priority list--So now what? He starts making a mediocre effort and it's "a 100% improvement"?! No, if he goes from bad to mediocre, your relationship is still only mediocre. You deserve better!!!

I would go to counseling if it helps you and him figure out how to be civil and good co-parents in a divorced environment. You need to understand how he sees his role as a father, your expectations, agree to how much exposure your daughter will have to other girlfriends, etc. However, if you are expected to pay part of the counseling bill--no thanks. You need to route any money you have towards your divorce attorney's costs and not towards the counselor.

Good luck!

Only you know the answer. Counseling won't work if you aren't really truly committed to making it work. Lots to consider, but first start with what is in your heart and what it would take to make you want to stay. If you have already emotionally left the relationship, then it's time to go. It may be helpful to see a counselor by yourself first - they are great at helping you sort through your feelings and needs. Best of luck.

M.:

I'm not usually an advocate for divorce. I TYPICALLY say try and work it out.

My problem is that YOU ALLOWED him to treat you and your child this way from the beginning. That's the hard part - accepting the responsibility that you allowed someone to treat you this way.

Now - the question is - are you better off with or without him? Only you can answer that question. If the answer is with - show up and demand that things change - that he WILL be an active parent. That he WILL treat you with respect. That he WILL share in the responsibilities.

If the answer is NO - then go but explain that you've had enough and he's just doing this. He needs help in being a responsible adult and parent. And he needs the help - not you.

Not going does NOT make you a bad person in my book. But YOU have to make this decision and not worry about what other people think of you. this is YOUR life. You've had enough? GREAT!! Don't allow ANYONE to treat you or your daughter like this again. PERIOD. Learn from this experience.

Pray about it. Is he doing this to avoid $$$ problems or is he doing this to actually man-up? God will NEVER steer you wrong.

This is a tough one, because no one can really tell you how to handle your marriage. If YOU want to make it work, then I believe you should give counseling a try before calling it quits. However, if you decide that you don't want to be married any longer, don't stay just because you think it is best for your child. In my experience, staying married just for the sake of being married is more harmful for children than it is beneficial. My parents first separated when I was around 12. My dad moved in and out a few different times, over the course of a 17 year period. Both parents made a conscious effort not to talk bad about the other. We spent all our holidays together as a family, and even took our vacations together. My dad took care of all the yard work, etc. even when he lived elsewhere. Even as an adolescent, I recognized that my parents were not happy together and didn't truly want to be married. I often felt ackward about it and felt as though our family time was a forced effort. As I grew older, I remember wishing that my parents had just gotten a divorce, because I would have enjoyed seeing my parents happy. I'm not by any means encouraging you to leave your husband, but I am saying having a child together should not be your only reason for staying. I hope things work out for the best.

Showing up for his counseling appointment doesn't equal moving back in. Most courts request that some effort be made towards reconciliation before moving into the divorce. Since you filed for divorce did you consult an attorney? Good luck and hope it doesn't get messy (for your daughter's sake & yours)

I am almost always an advocate for making the marriage work and this is no exception.
I do, however, that during this time you should still stay seperated physically.
Let him have his place, you have yours, set up a visitation schedule and continue to go to the counseling.
Why? For two reasons - you all may really connect again and what a shame to have wasted all that energy and emotion, etc. when it was able to be mended.
The second, It could be a ploy by him/his lawyer that all you wanted was $$ and you didn't really care about relationship, etc. People do strange things during a split and since you brought up the financial aspect of things, I wouldn't put it past him. . .
Not to be flippant, but either way it is a win-win for you. WIn if you all work it out because you will have the husband/relationship you both wanted or win you covered your bases by trying to work it out.
No easy answer here - good luck!

I would go and make a real effort, for the sake of your daughter. BUT, don't fake it. Only stay with him if there are *real* changes and renewed feelings. Don't stay with him for your daughter's sake, but give it one more try for her.

At the very least, counselling might help you be civil toward each other as you move through the divorce and learn how to co-parent. And who knows? You two might find enough common ground to make a real go of your marriage.

IF you don't show up, it WILL work against you in court. Having been through the Tarrant Co. family court system, you want to walk the high road, no matter how much your nose bleeds.

That said, I have the name of an excellent marriage/family counselor in the Arlington area (over by UTA) and he is compassionate and HONEST. IF you're not already seeing the counselor, I'd make arrangements to see the counselor SEPARATELY and then JOINTLY. IF nothing else, your counselor will get both sides of the issue and be able to better help you. I only recommend this counselor because he saw us together and then separately and let me know that it was time to walk in our separate sessions.

No, it does not make you a bad person, but your DH is in for a HUGE surprise working a divorce through Tarrant Co. Especially with your DD. Let me know if you'd like the counselor's info.

You have a child w/ him. You should go and try for her.

Check out proper care and feeding of marriage book.

If i were you i wouldn't even try and make it work. It's just going to make you miserable which in turn will make your daughter miserable. I would go through with the divorce and maybe later find someone who treats you and your daughter the way you deserve to be treated.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Based on what you described, you have to wonder about his intentions of wanting to go to counseling all of the sudden. If he came to you and explained to you how much he wants to make it work out of love and respect for you that would help but if he's just wanting to do it because of what it would "cost" him otherwise, I would be completely turned off. However, if you are unsure of what you want to do, counseling might help. It could either help with getting things worked out b/w the two of you or it could give you closure. Maybe tell him, okay I will go to counseling with you to discuss all of this but I am not making any promises one way or another. Let it play out during the counseling. Meanwhile, have a trial seperation. He's got a lot to prove to you and maybe he can do that during this time. If he doesn't then you may have your answer. Good luck!