Divorce - Augusta, GA

I am so sorry you're going through this. I completely agree with what Silvia said. I also wanted to add, as a child of divorced parents...the worst thing you can do is say negative things about their Dad (and vice versa). They are young, so it will probably be a little harder to explain to them what is going on. Just let them know you both love them very much.

I am a very recently divorced mother to twin boys (almost 3 years old). I've been in your shoes. First get a lawyer! Ask all of your friends for a recommendation. Get a good one. Go for a consulation (most are free). Find one you like and respect. This person will be fighting for you and your rights. Once you have the lawyer and know what you're going to be dealing with (the lawyer can give you the basics of how the divorce might go), you have knowledge and you are protecting you and the kids. That's step 1.

Now you can figure out what you want for your future. Do you want to work on your marriage? Is he willing? What do you want to change about yourself? Then take that to your husband and talk to him about what you want your marriage to be. Divorce is a 50/50 deal. BOTH of you have done things that need to change. Keep the lines open between you and your husband. Don't blame. You are HERE now, ya know? Once hubby knows you went to a lawyer and that YOU will be okay no matter what he decides, he may just see you in a different light. I'm not talking about shoving it in his face, I'm talking about an honest discussion about what you both want. This is YOUR life too. Right now you're feeling hurt and scared (BTDT). Take time to think about what you really want. Then sincerely share that with your husband. You may be surprised. But either way, you are taking steps to protect yourself.

As for the children, yours are young (like mine). Explain it in terms of Mommy and Daddy aren't getting along right now and Daddy is going to live somewhere else for awhile. Both Mommy and Daddy love you very much and you will be seeing Daddy a lot (and then make sure he gets to see them - regardless of the situation between you and him!)

I hope you can work it out with your husband and you don't have to experience a divorce. But if you do, you will adjust. You and the kids will survive this and be happy too! Just don't put the kids in the middle (even if you get mad or he's not paying child support or whatever). They don't need to be involved in that at all.

S., i'm really sorry that you're going through this. the only advice that i can give you is pray, pray and pray. If you have faith in GOD he will help you through it all. faith as little as a mustard seed is all you need (matthew 17:20)

Dear S., I am very sorry for your divorce. Regardless of whom did what/when/why, if the decision is final the best you can do for yourself and your babies is to put them first. My advice to keep yourself focused would be to accept already that it's going to be emotionally VERY HARD to handle pretty much every aspect of divorcing: getting lawyers involved, making decisions about the things you and your husband share, child custody, visitation, sale of the house (if you own yours) etc.. If you know that it's going to be difficult you will not feel overwhelmed by the sadness, the confusion, the fear of the future that come along with each and every divorce. Secondly, try to involve your relatives and your close friends to get some emotional and practical support (helping with kids/baby sitting for example).Like I said the most important thing is to put your children first (don't involve them in fights and always let them know you and dad love them), but in order to do this you MUST help yourself first, so go ahead and reach out for support. Once everything is settled you can start to breathe again more easily and maybe choose a more appropriate man for yourself that can be a positive father figure for the kids. Take the divorce as a chance, rather than a tragedy. If it was really a wrong match with your husband that is. If you find the right match life will bring you to new heights. Good luck and be strong!

S.: I am sorry to read that you will be getting divorced. This will be the most frustrating time of your life. It seems to me based on what you have said, that your husband has checked out of the marriage. he doesn't want to work on your marriage. The reality is that now you have to put on your big girl panties and resolve to get what you deserve going out. If you try to be nice to him and think he will just give it to you, think again. It's not going to happen in most cases. As a SAHM you will need to make sure that you can finacially take care of yourself and kids until you can get on your feet and back into the work force. In some states he will have to pay you alimony long enough for you to get there, plus child support. Make sure you don't forget his retirement account. You can get some of that as well. I wouldn't worry too much about getting the house but more so your part of the equity. If you can't afford to maintain the house and keep up with the mortgage and bills on your own, it can be a liability. So a cheaper place might be a better option, unless he has to pay to keep you in it. Basically what I am telling you is get a good lawyer and do not let him off the hook easy. Once you sign the papers the negiations are over and you get what you agreed to.
Please do not drag the kids into any of your divorce agruments. It is bad enough for them as it is. Just let them know the basic facts that you two can't get along and that you need to live in separate houses. No he said this or that. My best friend went through this as a SAHM with 4 children. Her lifestyle is not as high as it was before, but she is really happy. No more high blood pressure, fibromyasia, and depression. I can see that she was truly miserble in her marriage based on how much of a joy she is now. This will pass and there will be bright days ahead. I wish you and your family all the best.

BE STRONG! BE STRONG! You will make it thru this S.! I have been thru it twice and I have a 7 y/o boy. The best thing you can do for yourself and your children is BE STRONG! Your strength will be your guide and the kids will feed off that positive energy from you.
I am sorry you are going thru this. It is very sad and I am sending you a big virtual hug! You will go thru all kinds of different emotions during this difficult time. Just know that YOU WILL come out in the end! There is an end to this situation... it's temporary. Unfortunately your husband doesn't even want to try. That is extremely disrespectful towards you. That means he doesn't give a **** about his family. I know no one is perfect and we all make mistakes and have attitudes sometimes, etc. But if he TRULY loves you and cares about his family, he would attempt to work through. On the other hand, everyone has their OWN threshold and once it's reached - that's it.
GOOD LUCK thru this. Keep your head up. Your kids will understand one day. They just want mommy and daddy happy - wether it's together or apart. And there is no TIME on happiness but know that you WILL be happy again. LOOK FWD TO THAT OK!
-J.

S., So sorry for what you are going through. I am so sorry your husband has given up. I want to encourage you that it may not be too late to save your marriage. I am reading a book called LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by James Dobson. If you want to try and salvage things, I encourage you to go get it today and read it immediately. It is for people on the brink of divorce basically. Another one that a couple at my church says SAVED their marriage is LOVE AND RESPECT by Emmerson Echerich (not sure I spelled that right). Its premise is that women mostly need unconditional love and men mostly need unconditional respect, When we don't give that, they don't give what we need and it is a downhill spiral. All that to say, it may not be too late. If you are willing to work on your issues (get counseling for example possibly) and show him you are willing to change, his heart may soften over time (before a divorce would be final). I believe in most cases, the best chance of happiness is working through the issues with the person you are married to. The divorce rate for 2nd marriages is even higher than for first. The best parents for your kids are you and your husband. I encourage you to fight for your family, by working on yourself, owning your part in the problems, and giving him the freedom to choose. Dobson says as he sees your new confidence (AND willingness to change, according to Echerich- like showing unconditional respect), he will more often than not choose to come back to you. Hope this helps! Let me know. Will pray for you! Dearly, G.

Divorce is a terrible thing for a family to go through. You always have to come in contact with that person because of the children and the children are the ones that really hurt - forever. My daughter was only 7 months when her Dad and I separated and then finally divorced, she is grown now and can't stand her Dad but he still insist on seeing her and her family. (her Dad got terrible into drugs and alcohol) If your husband is a good Dad and supporter of the family, you need to do everything you can to hold onto him. Ask him to go to marriage counseling with you, even though you all are separated, ask him to go on dates with you (without the kids)...If you are a Christian, God can put this marriage back together and allow you both to be happier than you ever have been. I would be glad to counsel you and your husband through e-mail if you need me to. I am a Christian, have been through a divorce and am happily married to a wonderful man for the last 25 years. Through the years, God has really educated me about marriage and the secrets to a happy one. J.

Hello S.,
I am so sorry to hear that, but it's not over yet. I suggest you watch Fireproof, it's a Christian movie that has helped many couples on the virge of separation, stay on track and work on their differnces. It will definetely help you with your personality. I also strongly suggest you pray to God to keep you two together and work things out while he is in the house as suppose to starting new lives separate.
I wish you best of luck.

Remember, do not look for another spouse, look for another marriage.

Love,
H.

Before you both make any final decisions, please commit to doing a "Retrouvaille" weekend together. It will put you in touch with other couples who have been in similar situations. Also couples counseling with a faith based counselor would be what is best for your children. Divorce is not the simple solution and will most definitely complicate all of your lives more. Seek all the answers first in doing what is best.

God Bless you and your family.

One thing that helped me and my husband at a very critical point in our relationship was this movie titled FireProof. One of the characters was Kirk Cameron(Growing Pains) It was a wonderful movie, and it taught us how to really LOVE eachother. LOVE is much deeper than just feelings.. BUT, some relationships are just not meant to be. I have always wanted to maintain a healthy relationship for my son. We are working on that, and things have gotten better. I wish you the best.