Divorce - Fort Pierce,FL

I am and its been absolutely horrible on the children and I. As much as I try he constantly makes it about he and I - why he doesn't see the kids why he doesn't call no matter how little the contact I have with him is ---

I got divorced about 6 years ago and my son was 4 at the time. A friend of mine whose parents had gone through a horrible, ongoing divorce when he was a child gave me some excellent advice.

He said: "If you do this now, you can really shelter your son from a lot. By the time he is older and there are school conferences, sports, etc. to go to, you will all have a SYSTEM to deal with it. it won't be perfect but you will all know how to behave."

That turned out to be absolutely true. You don't say how old your kids are, but here are some basic rules that worked very well for us, and continue to work most of the time. Everyone on both sides of the families follows the rule of 'be polite- or don't come' for parties, school events, etc. They are all adults and I just made it clear that for my son's sake, I expect them to act like it!

1) Make a formal 'parenting agreement' with a mediator about your custody arrangements!!! I cannot stress this enough- do not skip this because things are 'friendly' or because you think you don't have to! Trust me, as time goes by, having the parenting agreement and having sat down with a mediator who is there to facilitate and not take sides is a GODSEND.
It is also much better for your child- if he knows exactly what days he will be going to see daddy and if he is with you or dad or at his grandparents' for Thanksgiving, etc. - it is very reassuring to a child.

2)Our mediator gave me the second most valuable piece of divorce advice. She said:

"Your marriage has failed and it is over. But- THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO FAIL AS PARENTS. Learn to separate your relationship as the parents of your child from your former romantic relationship. Try not to let the one influence the other." That can be hard, but it really helps keep things in perspective and helps to keep you from trying to 'get back' at your ex. No matter how much you want to, or how much he may deserve it, that is not going to be good for your child.

You MUST make a deal with your ex not to trash-talk each other in front of your children! You may have to bite your tongue in half- but please know, and try to convince him that it is BEST FOR THE CHILD if you keep any fighting, lawyers, etc. away from the child. Right now your children are just sad about this and confused. The job of BOTH parents is to reassure the kids, make sure they feel safe, even if it means not doing things just how you want.

Your kids may try and play you off of each other or make you jealous of each other-that is perfectly normal! You and your ex just have to really be the grown-ups here and realize that your children are going to be unhappy for a while and take time to adjust.

You can help them by keeping things as normal as possible. If dad usually takes them to the park on Saturday mornings and then you would go out for pancakes- let him keep doing that! I know you may have to grit your teeth- after a lot of divorces, dad gets all the 'fun' stuff and mom gets all the day to day chores, homework, etc. but in the end, it will be best for your kids if you can both keep routines normal as possible.

This goes for grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. as well. When I told my family I was getting divorced, my parents were horribly upset. They had been very fond of my ex and didn't really believe in divorce. HOWEVER- as time went by and they saw that he was just unwilling to do anything to correct his mistakes, change his ways or even put much effort into saving our marriage, they came to realize that leaving him was the best choice for me and for my son.

They felt so betrayed by my ex and to this day they really can't stand him - but they grit their teeth and are polite to my ex and his new wife if they meet them. They also follow our rules about behaving politely at birthday parties, soccer games, etc. It really helps a LOT.

As my mother said to me " You don't have to say bad things to your son about his dad. He's a smart kid and getting older. He can see for himself who is there for him and who drops the ball and isn't reliable. It's bad enough that is how it is- why rub his nose in it?"

3)Don't buy into guilt trips. Some people have nothing to do but make you feel like a bad person, a bad wife, a bad mother, when you get divorced, no matter what the reason does. DO NOT allow that to depress you. Your main job is to care for yourself and your children in the best way you can. You just stay focused on that, and you will be amazed at how strong this difficult experience can make you!

Also, don't fall into the trap of letting your ex try and make you feel like you are 'out to get him' when you want child support, etc. That is one of the oldest tricks in the book. It costs money to support this child and give them a stable, healthy life. He had a good time MAKING the child- now he needs to support the child.

You are not taking that money and buying fur coats and diamond rings (or at least I hope not, lol) so don't allow yourself to be guilted about taking child support for the things your children need.

4)What to say to the kids... this is the hardest one. It will help tremendously if your ex can be on the same page with you here. We just explained to my son that although we loved him very very much, mommy and daddy just didn't want to live in the same house anymore. We gave him a schedule of when he would be seeing his father and his dad called him every night at first.

It depends on how old your kids are- but don't go into details. It may be that your kids will ask YOU about specific incidents, etc. Kids see and hear a lot more than you think they do. Just always reassure them that it has NOTHING to do with them- you both love them, you just cannot be together anymore.

Most kids also go through a phase of thinking you will 'fix' things and get back together. Again, just say calmly that isn't going to happen, but reassure them that you love THEM and everything will be fine.

After living in a one bedroom apartment with my son for 3 years, we now live in a house in a great neighborhood with a good school. I am remarried to a wonderful man who is a very involved stepdad and a terrific partner and father to my son. I want to reassure you that no matter how hard things are at first THEY WILL GET BETTER AND YOU AND YOUR KIDS WILL BE OK!!

My son is almost 11 and is a gifted student at school.He is outgoing with lots of friends and is a happy, well adjusted kid. He sees his dad and stepmom a couple of times a month and has a good relationship with them- but almost more like an aunt and uncle he is really fond of and who take him for the weekend. We are his primary family and home, and although we have definitely had our go-arounds with my ex in the past few years over some things, we kept it away from my son.

Good luck to you- hang in there! Feel free to message me if you want to talk or have any more specific questions.

F.,

I am not currently going through a divorce. I did go through one 10 years ago and a friend of mine is currently going through one. It depends on the children and the circumstances for which the divorce is taking place. If everyone seems to be taking it hard I would suggest that you seek out family counsiling so that all of you can find the answers and possibly some closure for which you are going through. Every person that goes through a divorce handles it differently.

When I got divorced 10 years ago, I just about threw a party. My son on the other hand took things a bit hard but he did eventually understand why it had to happen.

Be patient and if it seems to be very h*** o* you and the children please seek some help.

Good luck.

S.

I'm 8 months post divorce and my 5 year old son is doing very well. we put my son in play therapy before my now ex moved out and he did play therapy for about 4 months. we have 50/50 physical custody, so that has helped my son out a lot too. there was no way it was in my son's best interest to only see his father a couple of days every other weekend. we co-parent really well, have a google parenting calendar setup to keep everyone organized and my son and I both attended DivorceCare at our church.

my son attempts to use us against each other, but that's normal even in married couples. we do a good job of staying on the same page. our styles are different, but most of the time, the end result is the same.

for us, divorce was better than staying married. I stayed with an adulterer for a couple of years b/c I thought staying was better for my son than leaving. once i realized that staying was hurting him more than leaving, I left. I still don't like divorce and i tell everyone I know to avoid it if at all possible, but I also know that sometimes, that IS what is best for your child.

Well it is hard because my ex is in another state so they have not seen him in months but....I have found that if I am honest and don't try to fix everything and let them form thier own thoughts and just support them and keep them safe it gets better. I understand i can not force him to spend time with them but he will help support them...I also found a great dr for support! Yes that is extremly helpful to all of us.

Not coping well at all. I thought we could work through things even after seperating for a year. But no way! And the worst part is I'm still very much inlove with my husband. I was married once before he also was and I divorced with no problem. I am sooooooo heartbroken and I had to move away with my boys cause our couping was getting crazy. cant put my children through it anymore.

i am going through a divorce and its hit or miss with my girls. They were really close to their dad and he has pretty much cut them out of his life. My soon to be ex husband is dating someone, moved in with her, doesnt pay child support, doesnt visit and rarly calls anymore. we have an 11 week old son together and he has never seen him. My girls blame me cause we moved out of our house and came to live with my parents (they are 6 and 5), my oldest has started to wet herself and slap herself across the face if she thinks she has been bad. My youngest started telling my she hated herself and pretending to be princesses and the evil witch kept "killing abbe". now she tells me she hates herself and she is bad, there is a bad Abbe and a good Abbe. Its all a mess. When I tell my ex this he thinks im making stuff up. I am trying to figure out about counseling for them and hoping with school starting that will help. My oldest has even asked me to find her a new dad cause she misses having one. I have tried to tell my ex that we still need to be able to communicate and get along to co parent but he doesnt answer my calls or texts. Him and his mother have started lying to his family about me and saying I took all the furniture in the house and his car! His car got repoed and I know cause my mom co-signed it for him! I also wasnt allowed by him to take anything from the house that wasnt personally mine or the kids! I had to beg to get the Wii, which we bought for me! He lives 6 hrs away in PA and his mom lives in SC. The only family member that believes them is his grandma, which really hurts cause we were always very close. She tends to be very naive and blind to her kids and to my ex's faults. My kids still see his family cause I make sure to put forth the effort, but its hard to see his grandma knowing she thinks im a monster! Id love to tell her about the affairs and the drugs and the drinking but she wouldnt believe me and it would make everything worse. Sorry I just rambled on and vented! I dont know how old your kids are but I hope they are coping better than my kids. I know if my ex and I could get along better and if he was actually trying to be a good dad that would make things 10x easier on my girls. Good luck!

My kids didn't really open up about all their feelings until about 15 years later!! I thought they coped with it rather well since he was not very involved with them anyway but now they are young adults who clearly are affected by the divorce. Be very careful what you say to them and in front of them, but encourage them to voice their feelings. Read books about families going thru divorce,this can open up discussions. Do this for their entire childhood- the pain of divorce goes away for us adults not the children. Do what ever you can to MAKE him be a good dad because that will be THE most important thing to the kids over their lifetime, if you have to bend over backward to drive them to his house, his parents house, etc Do it because it's their future that will reflect if they feel abandoned by their own father. It will be too easy for him to disappear out of their lives (he wont feel guilty -he'll blame it on you and only the kids will suffer) I still know I did the right thing, staying in a bad marriage (in my case with an addicted father) isnt the right thing. I joined a group for divorced adults, my son's school had a group where he learned he wasnt the only child in school going thru this. Get support and TAKE CARE of yourself so you can take care of the kids.

I have been divorced for almost one year even though the separation and process began when I was pregnant with my second daughter in 2008.

I personally and voluntarily went through pyschotherapy for the depression until I felt that I could handle it all my own again. My oldest daughter has been undergoing pyschotherapy for almost one year in an effort to help her handle all of the emotions that she doesn't understand especially since her father moved out of the state. My youngest daughter, well, she doesn't know her father; however, since she felt everything that I felt and still does... she expresses her emotions completely different from her sister. She cries more and is extremely attached to mommy. Her first three months with us... she cried all of the time. I strongly believe in emotional and pyschotherapy as well as support groups. Find what works best for you and your children.

There are good days and they are bad days. I cherish the good days!!! Make time for yourself! Make special time for each of your children! Establish and maintain a wonderful and positive network of friends and family... if I had not had the support that I did during the roughest time in my life to date, I would not be as stronge and positive as I am today. Remember, you are not alone!

Everyone can tell you how it will or should turn out and what you "need" to do, but in the end, only you KNOW what is possible and what is acceptable. Women are much stronger than we are given credit for. Stay Positive!

I went through a divorce when my children were 4 and 2 at the time. They didn't act out too much during that age, but once they got more into the young adult age group, I really began to see the affects. Their father has had no contact with them since he left us back in 1995 and I feel this has been the biggest set back for both of them. They both carry alot of anger, resentment and abandonment issues and don't trust men. I would highly recommend you seek counseling for both yourself and your children as well as reading: Healing The Shame That Binds you by John Bradshaw. I had a difficult time with the first chapter, but have really gotten a great deal of knowledge from the remainder of the book.
My son (17 years old) has been in a therapeutic boarding school for 13 months now and has just started to come around that corner and come into his own. He had so much anger and rage he was becoming violent to myself and his sister (19 yrs old)...I had to do something before one of us got serioulsy hurt or him hurting himself. Please do let your children form their own opinions regarding the situation and keep them out of the middle as much as possible. They are alot smarter and do know what is going on...even when you think they don't. I hope this helps! M.