Disrespectful Daughter - Indianapolis,IN

Updated on December 01, 2012
K.F. asks from Indianapolis, IN
21 answers

MY recently married daughter is not speaking to me, she claims that I am being disrespectful and I treat her like a child. But she still wants me to give her money every month to help pay back her student loans that we made a verbal agreement about years ago. I have not refuesed to give her the money only told her if she wants it she knowds where I live. I have no problem giving her the money but will not send it to her. I told her that I am not treating her like a child but like my daughter. (she was always spoiled) Now she is pregant and claims that she doesn't want her child to be around someone like me. WHere did I go wrong? IF I have been disrespectful to anyone it is herhusband that doesn't even work to support her. She works to support them while he sits at home. And when I say anything about it she doesn't see that I am concerned for her but just that I am disrespecting her husband. I have apologized to him but it has done no good. What do I do?

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So What Happened?

No I did not agree to pay her loans I agreed to help her. She doesn't have to ask for the money she only needs to come and pick it up. The checks are written out and ready for her all I ask is that she comes over to the house I have asked her if we could please sit down and talk about the situation. Last year she did not talk to me for three months, I went to her and we talked all appeared to be fine. SHe then got married but did not tell me. When I found out I went to her and congratulated them both, I threw a party for them and spent alot of money two weeks after the party she stopped talking to me it has been about two months now.

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answers from Eau Claire on

I would get the address for the student loan company and send the money directly to them. I wonder if she is trying to use the money for something else.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Cleveland on

I think you are wanting her to act like an adult. And an adult would never ask for money from her mom or expect money from her mom. Especially after marriage.

I'm not recommending what to do, that's up to you. And saying to cut her off is easy for an outsider to say. But from an outsider, she can't have it both ways (or you)

1 mom found this helpful

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answers from New York on

I just scrapped my answer based on your SWH. Obviously she doesn't want to have much to do with you. While this is painful to you, respect her wishes and stop using your money to try to manipulate her actions. If your intention is to pay any portion of her loan debt, get the name of her creditor and the account number and pay it directly to the company she owes this debt to.

Cut the strings you are trying to attach to the money and stop trying to get your grown daughter to do things your way.

If you must call, don't be super emotional or emotional at all. Just leave a message that you were thinking about her and wanted her to know you cared. Don't blow up her answering machine with messages of desperation from you. No one likes desperate attention.

I would also suggest you get some counseling. It will help you deal with the loss of your relationship with your daughter and so many other things.

Give your daughter space to live her life her own way. Back off and leave her alone.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

So let me see if I understand, you agreed to assume her loans but you will only pay them if she comes and asks you for the money. That is treating her like a child. Would you ever consider it reasonable to call up the Visa company and say you know where I live?

It seems to me you are trying to control her and don't want to accept you no longer have that control.

My advice, let her live her life and pay her loan like you promised.
Just want to throw this out there I pay my daughter's student loans, I promised her I would assume them. I don't make her ask or beg for the money, I don't make her come visit and be nice to me or I won't pay, I just transfer the money into her checking account because it is my debt.

Trying to force someone to love you on your terms will only drive them away.
After reading your what happened, you seriously don't see what you are doing. You are saying if you want the money I promised you have to come over here and listen to me bad mouth your husband, your choices......you are trying to control her and I don't blame her for saying enough.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Since you agreed to help with her loans, it is wrong for you to make her come by each month like a supplicant. You should send the money directly to the loan originator with a copy of the receipt to your daughter. She IS an adult. Criticizing her husband is both criticizing her new family (which will take your place, like it or not) and criticizing her ability to make an important choice - her husband. If you want to be a part of her life, you will need to accept her choice and ideally make her husband feel a welcome part of her family. Maybe her marriage will work and maybe it won't. But that is her business.

@Stacey B - money a parent agrees to contribute to student loans should come with strings attached? At the very most, those would be an expectation that the student goes to class. I pay for your education and you get to criticize my husband? Um, no.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

If she isn't speaking to you, you shouldn't be sending her money.

If you want to give her money, that's your choice. However, if she is rude to you, I think you should cut off the money. For her to be taking money from you on the one hand and telling you that you treat her like a child on the other is pretty hypocritical.

If you are being "disrespectful," then cut it out. You can be someone's mother without being disrespectful. But meanwhile, don't give her any more money until she's at least polite about accepting it.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Kalamazoo on

If you have an agreement for her from yrs past about money, then you should honor that.
Your relationship with her needs to be separate from that. You can't by her relationship. And she is an adult, so even if she is making wrong choices, you can't change that.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

If you agreed to help her pay back her student loans I think you should honor that. Simply decide how much you are willing to contribute each month and send the payment DIRECTLY to the account.
As far as trying to force a relationship, you can't really do that.
It sounds like you're trying to buy your way back into her life. So you threw an expensive party and they didn't appreciate it? Lesson learned. Don't do it again. Let her know you love her and care about her and you're always there for her but keep money OUT of it, it's manipulative and that won't do anything to help your relationship at all.
I'm very sorry, I hope once she has a child of her own and realizes how hard it is to be a mom she will come around.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

Lemme get this straight:

SHE'S being disrespectful, by saying she's not going to be spending time with you while YOU'RE being disrespectful to her and her husband?

So, in retaliation for being called disrespectful/in order to manipulate the situation, you're not going to pay a debt you've assumed. Unless she does what you want.

I wouldn't come pick up the checks, either. Emotional blackmail isn't my thing.


What did you do, originally, that caused the first rift? (One bad enough you didn't even know your daughter was getting married). I don't know. When she gave you 2 chances following that, I don't know, either, although being rude and disrespectful to her husband is probably on the list.

What TO do?

- Respect her choices
- Stop trying to manipulate her with money

4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

I suspect there is more to this story. I would be curious to hear your daughter's side.

If you don't want to help with the loans because she is not speaking to you, that is perfectly valid. I wouldn't blame you for that.

But if you want to mend your relationship with her, give her space to live her life how she wants, even if you see her making mistakes. Don't criticize her husband or her choices. Tell her you are there for her if she needs help.

If you want to make a generous and loving gesture, help pay the loans with no strings attached. That might make her warm up to you a bit. Good luck.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Consdier 2 things that could be possible: the first is that your daughter's husband is emotionally abusive. Abusers separate their significant others from their families & circle of firneds. If this is new behavior since this guy showed up this is a real option - but there's almost nothing you can do about it except let her know you are there if she every needs you. Keep an open-door for her always. At somet point she'll need it.
The othreoptin is that your daughter might have some kind of mental illness. Mentla health problems are real - and they vary from bipolar, to anxiety to depression to bordrline personality disorder - and many more in between. Many mentall illnesses include a little of this and a little of that. My teenage daughter has borderline personality disorder but she dals with overwhelming anxiety at times as well as depression. But the primary thing is the borderline personality disorder. once we found a really good doctor who could make a proper diagnosis and we could learn about it and how to work with her she made tremendous progress. hers and our life is as different as night and day.

Sine your daughter is now out of your house and having her own child I can't see how you can drag her to a counselor - but - you can do your own reading and see how best to react and respond to your daughter. Many people, once they hold their child in their arms, begin to understand their own parents in a whole new light. I would send her a note. make sure she has it in writing that you love her and want to be in her life. Tell her that you'll always be thre for her if she wants. Then think of her as you would a long-time friend - wouldn't you go meet her somewhere just to see her? But as it relates to the money - well I don't know waht to say. Seems she has chosen a loser of a man to marry and have a baby with - she will have to come to that conclusion for herself. Pray that's it's soon.

Pray for her - God cares about the details or yours and her life.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Indianapolis on

Ok I think you werw wrong to criticize her husband for that... I don't know there situation but maybe she's okay being the financial provider.. maybe she's ok he's a stay at home husband and eventually dad... maybe she wants a career.. most importantly its their marriage and its ok to have a concern and maybe stress them ONE TIME nicely... and its not okay to continue to bring it up or to try to make nice by spending a lot of money on things also you should keep your agreement and I respect that you have but you should just send it to her instead of using it to lure her there so you can see her or whatever else.. she is pregnant and doesn't meed all this extra stress ontop of anything else she is dealing with... let her know you are there when and if she decideds to see you again and that you love her uncondtionally and will be there for her no matter what trials you two are going through. Once she has the baby she might feel better about forgiving you because she won't be so hormonal.. I will pray that you and your daughter will be able to mend your broken relationship :)

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answers from San Francisco on

Close the "Bank of Mom" until your daughter changes her tune. If you don't your spoiled CHILD (and she is behaving like a child), will continue to take your $$ and treat you like dirt.

Also stop apologizing for being a concerned parent. This early in the marriage with a man who doesn't work would be a big red flag! What's going to happen when the child is born?

Lastly, as hard as it will be don't let her use the baby as a barganing tool.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbia on

It sounds like you both need to set some boundaries. She is an adult now, and you two need to have an adult relationship. If you help with her student loans, as agreed, you pay directly to the loan company. And you shush up about her husband (would you put up with her saying negative things about YOUR significant other?), because it is none of your business.

Your job is to love her, because she is family, not to judge her.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Amarillo on


So after your extra post to "clear up things" you made it worse. You cannot continue to treat her as your little girl anymore. It is time for you to cut the cord and realize that she is a grown married woman. If had given someone a reception and asked for clean up help and they did and also requested that they remove a car from a driveway and they had a fit, it would be the last time I did anything for them. Would you take this response from a complete stranger? No, I don't think so and you have to stop. Live your life and not your daughter's. You can't control her only your actions so stop.

Original: She made her bed and is living it it. Nothing you say or do will change that.

If you made a verbal agreement that you would help her there is no paper trail to prove what you said. If she feels that way then it is time for her to pay her own bills especially since you say she is "spoiled". It's time for her to learn the hard way to pay her own way with no help. She didn't appreciate you doing a party after the wedding so don't spend any extra money on her and put it in your retirement fund or rainy day fund.

I hope that some day the two of you will be able to mend the fence and be adult friends. As she is trying to find her way as a woman, a wife and soon to be mother and does not how they all fit together.

Have a peaceful holiday season.

The other S.

PS Please do keep your personal comments to yourself otherwise you will push her further away and you won't see your grandchild.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Indianapolis on

I'm thinking that I did not explain somethings well enough so here I go again.
I love my daughter very much, I spoiled her and I will continue to spoil her. When she lets me. What she is calling disrespect is what I believe to be concern for her health and welfare. I am the elder and I believe that I deserve the respect from the both of them that I am not getting. For example...They were living in an apartment and after the lease was up they decided they wanted to save some money so they lived with his parents for 3 months and then in my house for 4 months. I did not ask them or tell them that they had to pay me anything but they offered to give me 100.00 a month. Not much but I agreeded because I wanted to help them. They got mad when I asked them to help out with a few things around the house and after 6 weeks moved out. I then found out that they paid his parents 400.00 a month. But I sid nothing to them about that. They had a vehicle at my house for over a year plates were expired and my husband asked them to please get it out of here and that cause more grief cause they had no place to put it. I threw the party and asked them to help with the cleanup this was 6 months after they got married and they didnt feel they should have to help because the party was a reception to celebrate there getting married and when you get married you don't have to clean up afterwards. I have said nothing about these items to them I havent been disrespectful in any way to them since they have gotten married. The only thing she has told me is that I treat her like a child and that is disrespectful? I treat her like. my daughter. I don't tell her what to do or when to do anything. Since this has all come about I have tried to call her but she will not take my calls or answer my emails. I don;t flood her with calls or emails. I send a short message/text every couple of days telling her I love her

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I don't know what your agreement was regarding paying the loans but can she not afford them because hubby is sitting on her husband and not contributing financially? I am not sure what you should do but an adult pays their own loans back and a child does not. Sorry, I must be old school but I am still paying my student loans and never in my wildest dreams would I have my parents pay back my loans when they are approaching retirement. I don't know why your daughter is actin high and mighty she will need your help when baby comes around cause it sounds like hubby can't hold his weight. I think you have probably done too much for her and now she does not know how to appreciate. My mom has done almost zilch for me but when she comes and babysits its really nice and we definitely appreciate her.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

It sounds like she may be on the defensive because you are telling her things that she knows but just doesn't want to hear about her new husband. She is probably stressed out from working to support both of them and now a baby on the way. She knows what you are saying.

But, you need to just support her, (not with money) but just tell her that you are there for her, and try to sympathize. She is under a lot of pressure it seems and not getting any help. So if you do talk to her, tell her that you understand this, and tell her that you love her, and just give her some space.

And I am sure you could pay the loan directly, if that is what you agreed to.

And because I am curious, how long has she been not talking to you?

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

It does sound like she's spoiled.

You don't need to do anything. The ball is in her court. She may not speak to you for a minute, but believe me, as soon as she has that baby, she WILL speak to you.

I will also bet that after she has the baby, any time she gets mad at you, she's going to say you can't see the baby. Don't believe it. She will NEED you at some point and then she will call. Just wait her out.



answers from Boston on

If your going to continue spoiling her then I cannot give you an answer that would help you. It's hard when your giving her money and letting her get away with treating you like a doormat. You should have more respect for yourself and should require more from your daughter. And tuff tooties if she does not like it. Leave her alone and let her come to you. She knows what buttons to push with you. Stop texting her, stop giving her money, do not call or leave a message. She will come by believe me.



answers from Lafayette on

It sounds like there is more to this disrespect issue than you realize. Sounds like it's time for a heart to heart. One or both of you need to be humble & really listen to the other. I'm sure you want this grandchild in your life -- now's the best time to work through your issues & be in a healthy relationship when this child comes.

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