Disrespectful 12 Year Old Daughter!!!

Updated on September 10, 2009
A.K. asks from Poway, CA
4 answers

So my 12 year old daughter 7th grade... wants front row drop off to the school every morning (school has been in session for 2 weeks) traffic is horrible ... this morning I suggested we go across the street and she can use the cross walk to cross.... she flipped out saying she would be embarassed to use the "cross walk" .. I said tough and parked the car to drop her off... she yells " I hate You" and slams the door... now my question is should I make her walk tomorrow? Since she didn't get her way by me for front row drop off.. (less walking for her)...She usually flips out when she doesn't get her way....

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answers from Las Vegas on

Once someone's mind is set, it is nearly impossible to talk them out of their opinion by "reasoning" with them. So I don't recommend discussing this further with your daughter. She already knows it's a major inconvenience for you to wait in a traffic jam, and she does not care. You have to make her care. The situation demands creative action, not words. But, she's 12, right? She gets embarassed being seen walking in a cross walk, right? What you need to do is make sure that you look REALLY bad tomorrow morning when you take her to school. If you can make yourself look like you were out all night, drinking, and living it up at a biker bar with a bunch of unseemly men who smoke cigarettes, then you will be on the right track. When you drop her off right in front of the school, where all of her little friends can see, be sure to get out of the car and give her a huge kiss and a hug. Be as obnoxious and visible as possible. If you can, escort her to her first class. Believe me, she will beg to be dropped off across the street in the future. She might even decide that walking to school or taking the bus is way cooler.

I can't wait until my son is old enough to pull something like this with me. Oh, the fun I will have!



answers from Los Angeles on

Sounds like your daughter is in that “low impulse control” phase of life. I suggest you pick your battles carefully and go first with reasoned talks when she is calm before you lay out punishments for behavior. Try talking to her when you are both relaxed. Have a discussion about dropping her off and your morning schedule, asking her where she would like to be dropped off for school. If her answer doesn’t work for you and/or you need a contingency plan, ask for her input. Once she has had her say and you have come to an agreement about dropping her off, move on to the fact that you didn’t care for how she handled the situation when things didn’t go her way. Tell her how you would like her to deal with her frustration in the future. (like no loud declarations of her loathing for you) The teen years often require that we as parents return to teaching and modeling a lot negotiation and dissatisfaction management. Teens need to be reminded and see a lot of examples of how to handle frustration. They need to be reeducated about how to compromise and how to discuss their needs. I used to hold off on the punishments until my son would refuse to discuss the problem with me. As long as we were talking about the situation afterwards, I figured I was making progress. Take heart, my second child, who is now 16, has always been more reasonable than my first. Hang on mama, turbulents ahead.



answers from San Diego on

Hi there,
Sorry for your distress. I also have a 12 year old daughter.....so I am exhausted. I am sure that there were probably other things that led to such a stressed morning. What I have found is that much like when my daughter was a toddler, she has carry over reactions from earlier incidents. So, when her irritation begins to rise, I let her know that she is losing control and she needs to make the choice to turn it around or excuse herself until she can change her attitude. I try to be preventive as much as possible & not reactive. It is hard to put myself in your shoes, but yelling at me (no matter what the words) is unacceptable, and unacceptable behavior has consequences across the board in our family - no phone, no computer, no tv, no fun stuff period. How long - until the behavior is turned around, moping is not allowed, and she better be Miss Mary sunshine with the siblings as well. Oh, and she would be using the crosswalk from now on. Being driven to school is a privilege and not an entitlement.




answers from San Diego on

I would talk with your daughter after school today and let her know that due to the traffic in the area, you must use the crosswalk to drop her off in the mornings unless she is willing to wake up earlier and leave your house earlier in the mornings and be dropped off at a place where it is more convenient for her. Offer her a choice in the matter and see how she responds. She is almost a teenager now. You need to offer her choices when you can. Let her know that everyone in the family needs to respect each other and that you will not tolerate her saying "I hate you" to anyone. Talk with her, let her know that it is okay to be frustrated or upset but that certain things are not okay. Review your house rules with her. Come to an agreement with her about what consequences will be if she does things that are not acceptable to you and her dad.

Try to spend more 1:1 time with her if you can. Limit her access to computer/internet/technology so that you can spend uninterrupted time with her. If she makes new friends, always meet their parents. When she goes places, make sure you know where exactly she will be and when she will return, as well as a phone number where she can be reached. Keep the lines of communication open. And just continue to love and respect her as a person.

Hope this helps.

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