Disciplining a Toddler, Why Is My Daughter Acting This Way and What Should I Do

Don't threaten time-out. If you're going to use it for poor behavior, use it immediately and consistently. Stop warning her.

She is entering her "terrible twos". You are going to be removing her from situations and redirecting her for the next several months.

And yes, changing up her routine by travel can frustrate her and cause more tantrums.

Sounds to me like you have it very well figured out.

The question, then, becomes what to do about it all. I'm not normally one to advocate long absences in a family, but it may be what's best for your daughter right now. Not necessarily not seeing Dad, but staying put at home so she is in the same environment rather than back and forth. You REEEALLLY don't want to create a pooping/constipation issue. REEEEALLLY don't.

As for the naughty behaviors, sort of normal. I would try to implement some logical consequences in addition to telling her what not to do. For example, she hits you in the face, you grabbed her hand and said not to. Then continued playing with her. Next time, (and sounds like there will be a next time) catch her hand, tell her the no, and then get up and walk away. (nobody wants to play with someone who hits).

Or, she was throwing her food on the floor and was told no. So she did it again. What happened then? Did you remove the plate? I would have. A simple, "If you are going to throw it on the floor and not eat, then you are done." Take the plate and remove her from the table/high chair or whatever. Then ignore her. Finish your own meal or whatever else you were doing. Go about cleaning up her plate/table. Do not give in. Too bad.
(She's a toddler, snack time or lunch or whatever will be here before you know it.. she won't starve).

You have to actually DO something, rather than just tell her "no" and why you don't do it. Explaining the reason (within reason---no lectures, just simple simple simple) is fine... even a good thing to some degree, but not NECESSARY. In fact, I think in the long run it is better to only give reasons some of the time. You don't need to "convince" her, after all. But she'll soon think that you do if you explain the "why" behind every single instruction.

Bring the stability back as much as you can. Stop the misbehavior (take away the mishandled item, remove her from the mishandled item, remove her from the store, remove yourself from her vicinity, etc) and ignore her resulting tantrum. She will tantrum. If you give her attention for the tantrum, you'll have rewarded it and she will do it again, and again, and again, and again... because it WORKS!

What bathroom were you in when she was playing with the toilet paper? A public one, or were you at home or grandparents' house? If in a store, take her to the car and home. If at home, leave her standing there (or lying there) and walk away. No audience.... no fun.

No one seems to be addressing the fact that she is HITTING her mother! That needs to be nipped in the bud RIGHT NOW. If you don't stop that now, she WILL turn around and let you have it when she's 13. Why? Because she was not taught that you NEVER raise your hand to your mother or father EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!

If I were you, the very next time she went to hit me, I would grab her hand i mid-air, put on my sternest face, look her directly in the eyes (you will probably have to hold her little chin up because she will NOT want to look you in your eyes) and tell her very sternly that she is never to raise her hand to me or her father. Then take her and put her in time out. Just putting her in time out is not enough; you MUST let her know that this is absolutely not acceptable and WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.

For the tantrums, I agree that you should just walk away. When she doesn't get the attention/audience that she wants, she will stop.

And BTW, what your parents and in-laws are THINKING but not saying is that you need to get your daughter under control and that they never would have tolerated that sort of behavior from you/your fiance. Being experienced parents, they are already seeing what I'm telling you here.

learning is process. you don't explain things once to a toddler not even 2 and expect it will stick forever.
she's at the age where temper tantrums ramp up. she has just enough control to want more, and not enough hours in the saddle to know how to make her world conform to her wants, nor sufficient mastery of language to express herself. of course it's frustrating.
this isn't negative. it's the 2s. keep calm, and parent on!
khairete
S.

This is why it's called the terrible twos. Things to remember for this age is the discipline needs to be immediate, related to the incident, and absolutely consistent. The other parenting rule is never threaten a consequence that you aren't prepared to put in place - if you say it, you have to follow through (eg, in your example, after she threw another grape at your fiancé and ran away, did he follow her, pick her up, and put her in time out? Or did he let her go? If he let her go, then he just demonstrated to her that his words mean nothing, and there is no reason to take him seriously).

Some specific tips that worked for me:

The best way to handle tantrums is to ignore them. If she throws herself on the ground, as long as she's in a safe place, just walk away. When she does it in a store (and at some point, she will), immediately walk out of the store, strap her in her car seat, close the car door, and then stand outside the car until she's done.

Hitting gets a time out (I did time-outs in either the crib or in a pack-n-play). For a 19 month old, 1-2 minutes is long enough.

For the grapes, what I don't understand is why you didn't take the grapes away, after she threw the 1st one. If she throws her food off of her plate, she doesn't get a plate anymore. You keep her plate out of her reach, and hand her one bite at a time.

It's normal.
Being a parent is something we learn on the job.
One of the major things you learn is redirection.
You tell any human being on the planet what he CAN'T do and he'll think of nothing else.

Instead of 'No', tell her what she CAN do.
You re-direct her towards a desirable action/choice.
For the hitting, you say "we don't play patty cake with anyone's face - we use our hands like this" then play a little patty cake with her.

As for the running away - that's normal too.
This is why we used a leash for about a year when we had to go out.
As for the food throwing - when it starts up there is no discussion - you simply remove the food and the meal is over.

You have gotten good advice below--ignore as much as you can; do not give her attention when she is in a tantrum but (IF she is in a safe location and can't hurt herself!) walk away; and most of all for her age, redirect her attention! Correct only very briefly; do not overexplain or give a lecture, then distract, redirect like crazy, including giving her an alternative OK thing she CAN do. "No, Sally, we do not pull off the toilet paper. Hey, do you want to show me how to shut the door nicely?! Wow, great job! Let's go (do whatever) in the living room!"

Swift, not lingering, positive upbeat voice, find another action to replace the unwanted one.

Limp noodle: If you must remove her from a place, you must remove her, period. When she goes limp or when she tantrums: Do not plead, beg, yell, get upset, in fact -- lower your voice rather than raise it. That can really get a kid's attention if the kid is used to hearing a voice go up when she behaves certain ways.

Time out: Yes, she is too young. Children her age are not yet really able to connect an action they do with a correction unless the correction comes immediately after the action, and even then, they don't always fully get the link. A time out means nothing to her even if it's right after the action because she just isn't ready yet to link what she did with the time out as a discipline. Wait until about three, I think, when she better gets the link. And please never, ever use the crib or her own room for time outs! She will begin to associate the crib with unhappy things--she knows that you are mad or upset and then you put her into the crib and she will start to think of the crib as a place she's unhappy. She'll be back in your bed fast if she gets that idea.

As for the travel and the holding poop: Is this job of your fiancé's going to go on for a long time? If so, you and daughter need to just move there, frankly. If it's not going on much longer, you need to tell fiancé he should be the one doing any traveling -- can he come home each weekend? It's not ideal but you truly do not want to have your child holding poop. It creates a heap of physical and emotional issues and seems clearly to be a stress reaction -- she does stop after a few days but the fact she does it at all shows that she is stressed by these trips and wants her familiar surroundings. Please reconsider the trips. Your in-laws may get upset but you and your fiancé -- he HAS to have your back on this! -- must kindly explain that your daughter is showing these stress reactions. They may not see it or may say she's happy as far as they can see but you have to be the parents here and risk their temporary upset in favor of ensuring your daughter (a) feels secure all the time and (b) does not develop a habitual stress reaction of holding poop or pee, which could turn into a thing she does in other situations as well.

Remember: Holdiing poop is something she knows SHE can control. Mommy can't make her poop. The fact she is holding it when she has been traveling shows she feels she lacks any control at all over the trips so she does the one and only thing she CAN control, holding it in. That's what she's doing. So help her help herself by rethinking the travel.

This is completely normal. Kids go through phases of experimenting with independence, and doing what they want. So yes, the schedule change with her father could be a factor, but she might be doing it anyway.

They also get a pay-off from all the attention, negative or positive. So the trick is to not give them more than you have to.

I'd ignore the poop thing - you can't control it at all. It's highly unlikely that a 19 month old is reliably in control of her schedule and bowel movements anyway. She may be stressed and holding things in, but are you saying she is totally potty trained except when you make these changes from one house to the other? I'd say to put her in a diaper, make sure she has plenty of fluids and fiber so she doesn't get constipated, and ignore it.

For the tantrums and the running away - you ignore what you can, and you protect when you must. A child this age does not care about people's feelings or boo boos - she's just not developmentally able to handle that. It does not mean she will grow up to be selfish and uncaring - it just means she's self-centered which is what all children this age are. They see the world from their own viewpoint and perspective, period. She will grow out of it.

So the trick is to get her to recognize that hitting and throwing herself on the floor don't get her anywhere. If she hits, tell her "we don't hit" or "no hitting" but leave off the part about how it hurts someone. The point is, it's not allowed. It doesn't matter whether she sees the point of it! If she doesn't stop, you stop talking and you pick her up and put her in the crib, just like you did before. Say "I'll come back when you are quiet" or something similar, then eave the room. Do not talk to her or go back in until the end of the time out. If she cries, so what? Most people leave kids in time out for about 3 minutes - it seems like an eternity to them. Then go get her, give her a little hug, and say, "Are you ready to go back to doing ____?" Then go back to doing what you were doing, but not a new activity that rewards her. If she hits again (or unrolls the toilet paper, or whatever), pick her up and put her in the crib again. No explanation this time. If you have to do this 5 times, fine. It will work if you are totally consistent.

When we were out in a store or a restaurant and my son pulled something, we up and left. I put him in the car seat and strapped him in, but and we went home. If we were driving and he started throwing things en route, or if I really couldn't go home at that moment, then I put him in the car seat and stood outside the car where he could see me but I couldn't hear him wailing. I wanted him to feel safe, but bored. I had a book or a little crossword puzzle with me, and let him see me having fun. Or, you can make a phone call or pretend to, so she sees that you have other fun things to do that don't involved a screaming toddler. Then I would ask if he was ready to go back into the store and stay in the shopping cart. If I tried it and he wasn't cooperative, back in the car seat and home we went. No third try, no stop off for ice cream, no conversation or other fun for him in the car. And I never promised him that, if he was good in the store, I would buy him something - that turns into a terrible precedent!

If kids lose their freedom and fun, they see that there is no payoff for the tantrum. Carseats, strollers and cribs are great to confine them safely and take away their mobility. It can be a huge hassle to leave your shopping cart in the store and head out to the car (and I did my share of apologizing to store clerks!), but you have to inconvenience yourself sometimes to get the desired behavior. My son went through a huge phase of head butting us, and that had to be stopped - it took about a month but my husband and I were relentless! But if he threw himself on the floor and cried hysterically, I just went in the other room and ignored that behavior. It stopped. If he threw his toys, he got put in his room and the toys were removed - he got to keep his special blanket and his favorite stuffed animals, but the toy cars and so on went into the attic as needed.

Kids eventually learn that some things are non-negotiable. It doesn't matter if they understand why they need a seatbelt or why they can't run into traffic. It doesn't help to make them afraid of strangers, for example, and that's why they shouldn't run off in a mall. They don't have to understand why a bike helmet is important. They just have to understand that this is a rule and they don't get to have any fun at all if they don't comply. THAT'S what they understand!

Good luck - I know it's frustrating, and it's extra h*** o* your because your fiancé is away and it's all falling to you! Be strong!

What Gamma G said. Love and Logic is awesome. Avoid using "NO" except for danger-type situations. Also avoid swatting for the same danger/damage situations. My son is 7 and I can pretty much count how many times I've swatted his hand or bottom in 7 years because I only used a swat in danger/damage situations when words weren't working.

Do give her extra love/support during the transitions. Think how YOU, as an adult would feel with the current arrangements she is going through. How much would that drive you crazy to be going back and forth like that? Now consider you're a child with no control or say in the situation. It may be necessary (might be worth re-evaluating that), but if it wouldn't be easy for an adult, it's not going to be easy for a toddler.

Testing the limits is perfectly normal for her age,. She has just learned that she CAN do things and hasn't yet figured out that the ability to shred the toilet paper, and the fact that she enjoys shredding the toilet paper does not equate to permission to shred the toilet paper. You've got a good bit of saying "No" and time outs ahead of you. Be consistent no matter how big a tantrum she throws, and she will learn that tantrums and defiance do NOT get her her way.

This is all very normal behavior. When she does those things at home put her in the crib and say time out. In public put her in the stroller not as a punishment but as a safety measures til she is older and listens. I don't think the switching thing has anything to do with her behavior.

I was a challenge to raise. My parents spanked for misbehaving. I am fine and I don't blame them but I knew I wanted to do things differently. I became a mom at 36. My beautiful red headed daughter inherited both mine and my husband's temperament. Because I struggled so with self control and because I continue to work on it every single day, I knew I wanted to give my daughter tools to use.

Time out wasn't called that at her age. It was called quiet time. I wanted a positive stance. When a person feels like they're about to lose it, if they could step back and calm down, chances are they wouldn't lose it as badly. That was my premise. So when I would see my daughter start to be agitated I would say do you need some quiet time? It worked beautifully and even now when she gets frustrated. When she was as young as yours and she hit I would get eye level, hold her hands and tell her hands are for hugging not hitting. If she repeated the behavior she was in my lap immediately. I would tell her she had to sit there because she wasn't listening. Facing out limited her in being able to flail and I held her until she was calm. Then I would reinforce hands are for hugging not hitting.

If she didn't hold my hand when she needed to I would tell her if you don't hold my hand I'll have to hold your hair. She tried it once. I took her pony tail and held onto it. After that she always chose to hold my hand. ;)

You have to know that it takes consistent discipline. It is hard but so worth it. You will have your hands full if you don't start immediately making some changes to help her understand she can't behave this way.

My daughter does well most of the time. When she doesn't, she is quick to
make things right. Just like me, she works on it every day.

Blessings!
L.

The book that saved my life as a mom and I recommend to all my clients is "1-2-3 Magic." It is easy to read, clear, and gives great information about why and how to discipline. It gives great information that will help you understand what is really going on with both you and your daughter during these challenging growth periods.

The travel back and forth isn't effecting her behavior. Toddlers are able to do a lot of things but don't have the language to express how they feel. Sad, mad, frustrated, angry, hurt are all things they feel but since they can't tell you what's on their mind they tend to tantrum.

I always look at toddlers as being strangers in a strange land. They don't know the rules of society, the does and don't, what's acceptable and what isn't. It's up to me as a native of this land to teach them the rules, the does and don't, what's acceptable, and what isn't. Safety stuff is never negotiable so yes put her in the stroller and cart to keep her safe. Other things you may want to give her a little leeway and use it as an opportunity to talk her through situations so that she'll be safe and know the next time around.

The pooping issue is most likely due to the change in schedule and eating when you are on the road. She's not being controling by withholding her poop. More likely it's because she's not drinking as much or eating the same stuff she normally eats while you are in the car. If she's not in distress then don't worry about it.

Sounds like typical 2-year-old stuff, especially as a reaction to a changed schedule. Try to distract whenever possible and save the word "no" for the big stuff. In the bathroom with the TP for example, try saying "Go get (your favorite book) and we'll read!" or "Where is (her favorite animal)?". Her crib may also not be the best place for a timeout since you want it to feel like a safe place where she can easily relax into sleep. And it's OK to let her have her tantrum. Grab a good book to distract yourself, sit close enough to see she is not hurting herself but far enough away so she feels you are ignoring her, and ride out the storm. This stage will pass and you'll get your sweet girl back (until the next stage...).

Living a rhythmatic life is essential for all children. Keeping a sense of order. This child's needs are not being met. Remember she is very young and tender. Keep yourself calm and give lots of warmth.

Try tkhe book The Happiest toddler in town. Also, You are Your Child's First Teacher, and Over the Rainbow Bridge. There are many good ones to look into.

You have to work on yourself first and foremost. The first seven years of life are all about imitating the actions of parents, especially mama.

Most of this is all normal behavior. The language has not developed fully and knowing right from wrong is not in place yet either... When I taught parenting classes, I would tell parents to think of their little ones as a tad "crazy" (and we would all laugh)...and it is our job to lead the way. Yet, it takes up to 50 times of leading the way FOR EACH BEHAVIOR...before the little ones catch on.

Parenting is NOT easy. On occasion, I would work w/ a parent that had a very mellow toddler. Most of the time (though) the parents were surprised how hard parenting was...

In my home...I thought age 3 was the most challenging.
And the teen yrs---By far, the hardest !

When she does the limp thing... Let her cry it out ! This is wonderful for social/emotional development. If my kids took Tupperware out of their "play" drawer in the kitchen. It was ok. If they found a drawer not latched and one went to grab a dish, I would say, "That dish is for eating on. Here are your Tupperware dishes." A toddler (at this point) would prob want the ceramic dish. I moved the dish and a tantrum would take place !
Crying does not hurt the child and ---"no" (to something dangerous)--means "No."
I held my ground.

Biting happens. Hitting happens. Why? Because a toddler can't talk in paragraph form. And...the hands work quicker than the mind...so teaching the toddler RIGHT from WRONG is our job...and it's a tedious one...IF the toddler is "spirited." It may take longer !!
Spirited is a nice way of saying difficult.

When my toddler hit me...I would immediately pick her up and tell her that hitting is not ok. I did not go into length about it. I would sit her on my lap and turn her face a way from mine and let her calm down. Most of the time, it worked. If I got up and was ready to walk away and a full blown tantrum took place...I would say..."I can see that you are very angry".
When the tantrum was done, I would walk back in the room and my child would begin playing...

That is a lot of traveling for a toddler who really needs a routine.

Toddlers do have tantrums, hit, bite, scream and throw things. Think of these moments as teachable moments. Be firm, yet loving. Explain the behavior that is acceptable. Keep it short. Make sure you are modeling good behavior, too. I know this sounds silly---but, I did a home visit yrs ago where the parents screamed at one another. Little eyes were taking it all in.