Disciplining 17 Y/o Son

it's not uncommon for a kid teetering on the edge of adulthood to rebel, to decide you're not the boss of him, to push back.

it's a good thing in many ways. not fun for you, for sure. but you don't want a pliant do-whatever-he's told squishball of a young adult, do you?

so think less about how to 'discipline' him (there's not much you can do at this point but kick him out or take away big privileges like driving, which will probably be short-term effective but won't do a danged thing for your relationship going forward) than how to work with him. turn this defiance to your advantage. talk to him about being an adult- not in a lecture-y way but in a 'let's share information' sort of way. be honest with him. tell him about struggles YOU had as a young adult, about things you wish you'd done differently, about things you admire about him, about strengths you are proud of and that you think will serve him well. empathize with him about the eye-rolling ugh of having to do chores when you don't feel like it. (don't pound on him about alllllll the things you do- not the right time.) ask him to help you find solutions. what does he think will work when it comes to the trash? what does he think are reasonable rules for curfew? what does he think his sister gets away with that he doesn't or didn't?

you don't have to take all of his suggestions, or any of them. but nothing draws a teenager in like being heard and understood.

maybe that's what he's getting at his grandma's.

you have very little time to forge a new relationship with your almost-adult son. if you spend it all trying to discipline him you'll blow it.
khairete
S.

This isn't something that "just started". It's a build up. He has managed to manipulate his grandmother and you and your husband are allowing the manipulation.

Get to family counseling.

Your son needs responsibility. He needs to be a part of the family unit and is expected to do things to help the family unit move TOGETHER. His grandmother is allowing herself to be manipulated by her grandson. She is blind to the issues and only sees HIS SIDE. Ask her what she expected HER SON to do when he was 17. I think she'll wise up. However, he's 17 and will be a legal adult soon.

If he has a car you are paying for? Get it. Make sure it's not capable of being used (take the battery out, spark plugs, etc.) Get a location detector on it as well. Tell your son he wants to be an adult? Great! Go get a job. Pay your own way. he's 17. He can graduate high school and either go to college (he's paying for it) or go into the military. He can learn how to provide for himself.

Tell your MIL that you will NOT be giving her money to help her support him. She is choosing to do this and drive a wedge in the family. let her take the responsibility for her grandson.

In a perfect world our teenagers would just do as they're told, without argument. Obviously I don't know the whole story here, but what worked when my oldest daughter got difficult was to shut off her phone. I was able to do this easily by logging in to our Verizon account and temporarily disabling her number. It was a lot more effective than physically taking her phone, which always made the arguments escalate. Of course she would get angry but I just stayed calm and said, when you do x,y and z I'll turn it back on.
Phone, internet, car, THESE are the things that most teenagers care about so it makes sense to have access to these things dependent on doing what they are supposed to be doing (chores, passing grades, etc.)
In your case, though, t might be a good idea to sit down with a family counselor, because it sounds like things have gotten kind of out of control. Good luck.

Your MIL might have a different attitude after a few months. They are probably still on a honeymoon period with each other. I would suspect your son is on his best behavior right now. If I were you, I would enjoy the break and wait until all hell is breaking loose over at your MIL's house. Your son will call and want to come home. This way you can be in charge of the rules and not have to negotiate with a 17 year old.

I would tell your MIL that as long as she's not allowing him to break the law by going out in the middle of the night (breaking curfew law for minors), he is welcome to stay with her as long as she is also OK with him there. If he's in a safe and caring home, I would say that's OK if he needs a break from your house. There are a lot worse places for troubled teens to seek out. If there's been a lot of fighting and anger, a cooling down period isn't a bad idea. What do you mean he wants things his way, or he won't come home? He's demanding you're OK for him being able to break the law by going out at night? Or he isn't willing to do the chores properly that you assigned him? So let MIL know that. Tell him she should feel free to assign him whatever chores or hold him to whatever household rules she sees as fair and reasonable. After awhile your son will probably see that the grass isn't always greener in someone else's home. He's still a minor, and he doesn't support himself, so he doesn't get to make all the rules for himself. I would make that stance, and then step back for awhile, unless your MIL is truly an awful person and he is not safe over there. I think your son will come around after awhile, he's got some growing up lessons in progress right now.

I don't think this behavior just started. I would bet this has been going on for awhile. Every person should have responsibilities to the family. I don't think what you are asking from your son is over the top.

If he wants to live with granny then I would take his clothing over and let him move in. However, I would eliminate what I was paying for: phone, car, activities. Give Granny a couple of hundred dollars (food) and sit back and wait. I wouldn't engage Granny in any of the argument.

I am also going to suggest counseling. I agree with a post below stating you are in a power struggle with your son. Disengage.

Your son is a senior? In a very short time he will be responsible for himself. The time of “discipline or reprimanding” is closing. Teaching is way more important (which is what discipline actually is supposed to be).

I think your MIL is trying to help by giving your son a place to be and vent. I don’t know how I’d feel about it if I had a situation with my son (who’s 15) like this. It sounds like you’ve got the them against us mentality. That usually isn’t productive.

If he’s not a senior and will turn 18 shortly, know at that time he’s free to tell you he’s gone and there’s no repercussions at that point. I think if he’s going to school and behaving with your MIL, taking that away from him might push him to take up residence somewhere else that will probably be a lot more damaging.

Try to take the emotions out of it. Your 14 year old daughter might be easy now, but it doesn’t mean she will always be. I had a friend who would agree with her mother to keep peace and became the best sneak to do whatever she planned.

Maybe a family coach would be a good idea?

I would go get the car, turn off his phone, cut off any funds and let him stay with MIL. Either he will live with her until he forever or she will get tired of him or he will get tired of her.

When he wants to come home or is kicked out then you can negotiate with him. He can move back in on a trial basis that he continues to keep up his part of living at home, chores, driving his sister, mowing grass (on the same day each week), etc. When he does each item for enough time he gets back the phone, then he gets back some money, then he finally earns car privileges.

I am sure there are buses he can ride to and from school even if they are city run ones or the school bus. And having to get a job for money might help his character.

All 17 and 18 year olds want independence but they have to earn it either with behavior or a job. Good luck!!

Your son will be 18 and an adult soon. You describe wanting to still be in control of him as if he's still a child. It's past time to help him learn how to be an adult. Try working with him instead of ordering him to do as you say. Find a way to let go of your anger.

You are in a power struggle with him. No one wins. I suggest you try a different approach. Include him in decisions affecting his life. Start by letting him live with his grandmother. Both you and your son are angry. Have a cooling off period.

While he's out of your house, begin counseling to help you let go of anger and learn a different way to manage conflict. Read books about parenting teens, be willing to see how he feels. I suggest 3 books: Love and Logic for Teens, How to Talk so Teens Will Listen and Nonviolent Communication. Both Love and Logic and Nonviolent Communication have extensive web sites that explain their focus.

Let him stay there and give him some time. He will start to have the same behaviors there and then he will be asked to leave. I would recommend drug and alcohol testing and search his room. You can send in a few strands of his hair to a lab you can find on line. I would venture to guess his behaviors are related to drugs or alcohol and a group of peers that are reinforcing his behaviors and attitude. Good luck it is a difficult. TIme reach out to a therapist for some advise and support.

Updated

Let him stay there and give him some time. He will start to have the same behaviors there and then he will be asked to leave. I would recommend drug and alcohol testing and search his room. You can send in a few strands of his hair to a lab you can find on line. I would venture to guess his behaviors are related to drugs or alcohol and a group of peers that are reinforcing his behaviors and attitude. Good luck it is a difficult. TIme reach out to a therapist for some advise and support.

I would take all items away that you bought be it car, phone, etc. Those are wants not needs. Tell him adults don't have to tell people they are adults your actions prove adulthood. Adults have jobs and his job is to take out the trash, cut grass and take his sister to school. Stop giving him money. If he can't complete his chores then he shouldn't get paid. When adulting no work no pay. Good luck!!

First, please remember that it is really hard for grandmas to say no to their grandchildren. Don't completely throw MIL under the bus for her part in this. Also, you aren't entirely aware of what your son is saying to her or what sob story or other potential "story" she has been given in order to get her to agree to this.

First, I'd remove any privileges that you are giving him. Cell phone, car, insurance, etc. Those come with responsible behaviors and are not automatic "rights" (at least not in my house).

Second, I'd call a family meeting and find out what the long term goal here is. The meeting should include MIL, son, you and hubby. Does she just plan to let him live there indefinitely? A month? Don't get into what her rules will be or what he did or didn't do at home. The meeting would purely be to find out what the long game is for all involved.

Third, if the plan is that he is going to stay there indefinitely, then does MIL expect to be compensated for his expenses? I guess that I'd not pay someone who I didn't ask to take care of my child. I'd make it clear that if he is staying there, she is responsible for his expenses. Speaking of which . . .

Fourth, I'd ask MIL to sign something stating that he is agreeing to let him live there and that she has agreed to accept the ramifications of any issues that arise during her care of him. Doubtful it would stand up in court, but it really helps folks understand that you guys aren't playing around here, even if your son is.

Fifth, I'd make sure that your son knows exactly what the rules are if he does decide to come back home. Write them down so he always knows - here is all I have to do in order to move home. Don't go crazy - just what your expectations are so everything is crystal clear.

Finally, I'd not tolerate a situation where he is moving back and forth on days he does or doesn't like what is going on. It should be clear that if he moves home, it is for good. No back and forth. I'd also be reaching out to any other relatives who he may be are able to take him in and head things off now.

We had one kiddo that was thinking about playing this card - we actually called Gramma before he even did it and said "listen here, if he comes to you, here is what is going to happen on our end." Needless to say, she was able to say "no" before it went anywhere rather than feel trapped by her love for a grandson who was manipulating gramma into a free carte blanche ride his senior year.

Good luck!

If he doesn't want to take care of his simple responsibilities he doesn't get a phone or use of a car. I have found that phone and car removal to be great motivators! Tell have your hubby tell his Mother thank you for having him for a cooling off period, but it's time for him to come home and face his responsibilities, just as she would have had him do when he was 17. The lawn needs to be mowed once a week set the day of the week it must be done by and say nothing about it until that day has ended. The trash has to be taken care of when its full. period. The house is yours and as long as he is living under your roof he must follow your rules and he must live in your house until he has graduated from high school and turns 18. Then he can move out, move on and find out that being an adult isn't as fun as he apparently thinks it is. Good luck.

First of all, get an appointment book for 4 people: You, your husband, your daughter and your son. Schedule chores and other appointments. Call a circle meeting with the family: you, husband, daughter, son and mother in law. Have a paper Easel to write down the agreements. Circle up: you get a neighbor to volunteer to be the facilitator: To your son, ask these questions, don't respond: 1) What happened? 2) What were you thinking? 3) What have you thought about since? 4) Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way? 5) What do you think you need to do to make things right? Have your son write this on the paper Easel or other paper. Next: Have the neighbor ask you, your daughter, MIL, and husband these questions: 1) What did you think when you realized what had happened? 2) What impact has this incident had on you and others? 3) What has been the hardest thing for you? 4) What do you think needs to happen to make things right? Then write down what you need to make things right. See if y'all come up with an agreement. Good luck.