Discipline in Public?

Honestly the reward system works great for me. I am a single mom so my daughter (now 3 and a half) has had to run all errands with me, and it has become a routine for us. We make a list and I tell her a few things that she is responsible for remembering, she takes her job very seriously. And if she is good she gets a chocolate milk from Starbucks when we are done. Every grocery store has Starbucks now, and my daughter has only missed out on her treat once.

Hi A.,

I did the silliest thing ever when my kids were little. On the way to the store I would tell them that we were going to the store and that I wanted to play an acting game. They were to act like "Perfect Children". We would talk about how they thought a "Perfect Child" would behave and how they would speak to their parent and to others around them. I have to admit I got some strange looks sometimes as my children would "Act Perfect". They loved the game and my cousin called me and told me that she owes me one because it worked great with her kids too! I am not really sure why it worked, but they became helpful in locating items and spoke to me very politely even when I said, "NO" to a request for them to have candy or what not. Good luck!

What we do is when we pull into wherever we are about to go in, I tell them how they are to act and if they don't this is going to happen. If they act up in the store, they get only one warning. I tell them if they keep up, we will go to the car. And when they act up, I leave everything and we go out to the car (if I'm alone). If my husband is with us, only one of us leaves and takes the one who is acting up to the car and we sit there. So far we've only had to do this one time. They get the picture VERY quickly. Our kids are a little older too, but we started this when they started throwing fits and acting out in public. We also make sure to get the kids who were good a little something special on the way out. Good luck, I know it's trying.

I am a granddmother of 3 and a mother of 4 children. I have found training is the best way to go with kids that act up in public. At home with my grandchild, I have a play act before we go anywhere. I get out stuffed animals, dolls etc. We discuss going to the store and them act it out. We go over several scenarios together. Often I have my doll act up and my grandchild commences to remind me of what we had just learned. We make it a game together. When my granddaughter acts out, I just remind her of our game. Also, I have a Joy basket at home full of pennies. Each time I see her with a joyful reaction I place a penny in the jar. At the end of the day, we count her pennies to see her joy level that day. It is a positive way to reward good behavior without giving them anything but time and training.

We handle discipline the same out side the house as we do at home. She gets put in time out at the end of an isle or anyplace appropriate to handle her three minute timeout. Just so you know our daughter is also three. We get looks from people walking by but really I just don't care about the looks if it means I am going to raise a good child. Verbal warning have never worked with our daughter we have always had to resort to timeouts and they never wait till we get home because honestly I don't think that it is effective to hold off on timeouts for bad behavior.

I completely here you regarding the acting out in public...
If you have the ability to just leave and come back later when your husband is home, I think that is the best remedy. Though, I am a single mother and this is often not an option for me.
If you use "time out" as a discipline, you can still use it in public. You will get looks, and maybe even some comments, but I find that once I've begun a disciplinary action it needs to be completely followed through. This can be "time out", removal from the situation, loss of privileges, etc.
I saw that you tried loss of privileges... this is definitely something that shows its benefit to you through consistency. You may not see a result immediately, but usually it takes effect when they receive that consequence later. The next time you tell her she will lose a privilege if... she may react differently. If you say that and then do not follow through, it will mean nothing to her. You also need to be sure you are using her "currency" (whatever is important to her right now).
I hope I helped...

Hi A.,

When my older two kids were little, I found that a usually good incentive for them to behave was offering them a "reward" of sorts when we got there, and making sure they understood that if they misbehaved in any way, I would give it to the cashier to keep when we paid. It may seem mean, but I'd let them pick the thing and hold the thing, but I totally followed through with that consequence if I needed to. Rarely did I ever have to give the thing to the cashier to keep, but when I did, they remembered it next time, and we didn't have a problem. The ONE time I had a major problem with this method, was my son was acting particularly bad in the store, and when I took it from him and went to hand it to the cashier, he threw a majorly embarrassing hissy, and whaled me one right upside the head, so hard that I literally saw stars. Some people don't advocate spanking, but there were instances I used it, and he certainly got one for that when we got to the car. He never did that again.

With my youngest, I used the counting method. If she was doing something I didn't want her doing, I started counting. I never got past 5, and to this day, if I start to count, she moves FAST!

To use the counting method, you have to come up with a consequence for if/when you get to your number, and be prepared to follow through with it, and consistently.

You will get alot of answers to your question. I'd say you have to find the one that will work for you and your daughter(maybe a combo of methods), but with any of them, the key to its success is to be consistent and definately follow through.

Good luck.

K. W

I was always informed ahead of time clearly and specifically, so that I could imagine the consequences, what was expected of me and what will happen at the store and at home if I acted out. It worked.

Not being sure of how you discipline limits me a little bit, but here I go...

Being the mother of 5 and having a husband who was in Iraq for most of the last 5 years forced me to get tough with my discipline, or I never would have got anything done. One that worked for me, but only if I followed through, is asking my boys if they would like to have a conversation with me in the restroom. They knew immediately what I meant and they would not be humiliated by a public spanking. Truly, now days I usually only have to say it and rarely have to follow through because I did every time in the beginning.
Hope this helps,
L.

You will also enjoy:

http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=29Qhmp...

K.

A.,

I have a 4 1/2 year old son, and a 15 month old daughter. She has not started this yet, but it's coming. I have and will left the store if they're not behaving properly.

I have also struggled with two shopping carts, one for the kids, one for the stuff I need to get. From the time my son could walk (1 year) he had the choice of being free and listening to us, or not listening and getting the freedom taken away. You CAN stick her in a cart, it'll make things phenomenally harder, but you CAN do it.

You can also put her in a time out in the store. Find an empty bottom shelf, near the floor and put her on it for time out. Just don't be afraid of the looks that people might give you.

She needs to learn that Mommy is the Boss, and that she has to listen to you. She needs consistency and clearly defined consequences.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

LOL, went on a monthly grocery spree yesterday with my 2 and 4 year olds. What a relief it was when the 2 year old fell asleep and I only had one child to chase and yell after..

Actually, I did give my 4 year old a time out. I pulled over to the side of the bread section (that's where I was) sat her down on the ground next to the cart and informed her that this was a time out. Any arguing or trying to get up increased the time by 2 minutes. I only had to increase the time once.

I won't say she was perfectly behaved after that, but it sure got better. Good Luck!!

hi A.,

Your first instinct hit it on the nose - it's very effective. We once had to leave after getting them out of the car in the parking lot - had to get a screaming fit put back into a carseat - not pretty! She kicked the back seat on the ride home and I calmly told her, "kick the seat again, and I'll take your shoes away." She kicked, of course. I pulled over to the side of the road, walked around, took her shoes (hurt me more than it did her!) and closed the door. She screamed for about half the ride home. Then calmed down and started asking questions - wanted to have a good idea about what behaviors would get what from here, I guess. I gave her some options - I always give a fabulous option and a miserable on - and said it was her choice. She thought about it, silently. And was an angel by the time we got home. I didn't get what I needed out of that trip, as far as things from the store went - but, it made an impact on her - a long-lasting one. Keeping our word to our kids is key, whether it's at home or not. You had it RIGHT!!!

I have one funny little story - my mom took all of us to a restaurant one night - a Bob's Big Boy, I think it was - and my cousin, who was about three, suddenly stood on his chair and started singing at the top of his lungs. She interrupted him and said, "I want you to look ALL around the room here - do YOU see any other small children singing at the top of their lungs here?" He said, "no" of course - and she responded, "that's because this isn't a place for that kind of behavior." He promptly sat down and behaved the rest of the meal. I've used this a few times as well - it's a great way to get kids to see that their behavior sticks out like a sore thumb, without being demeaning or hurtful to them in the process.

Have fun and good for you!
T. B

My almost three year old has the same problem the cart is for sissy and if I try to put her in it she throws a BIG fit but she just plays with the cart the whole time and gets into things and just causes a problem, I found that telling her that she can have a treat if she is good works and when she starts to act up all i say is "Are you going to get a treat" and most of the time the bad behavior stops if it does not we go into the bathroom and have a talk about it and she gets a time out right there in the bathroom.

carry the 4month old and put the older one her in the cart for a time out. not only does she get a time out but then you are carring the baby and giving it the good attention.

Hi A.! I just had the same experience not too long ago. My mom has always said that you need to be willing to leave everything and go home in a moments notice. But I don't think I agree. I guess it is a power struggle. I don't want to give her that power to not give me the freedom to run errands. So I have done the following which helps when we are out and about:

- I always bring them a snack in a baggie and save it for them to eat in the store.
- Sometimes a "bribe" is what works best. If we are going to do a few errands at one time, I will promise a treat at the end of the trip if all goes well, and then of course there are constant reminders about the treat.
- If we are out during lunch time (which is never good, but you can't always avoid it!) then I sometimes take them to their choice of fast food, but it of course can be taken away, if tanrtums are thrown.
- I have my oldest help me shop, she gets things off the shelves and puts them in the cart.
- I have found with my older daughter (4 yrs), that when she is in the midst of a tantrum, I hold her and talk softly to her, kinda like after she has gotten hurt, this calms her more quickly than enything else I have tried, and then I discipline her once we get home or to the car.
Anyway, maybe you are already doing these things, but I felt I should share them with you just in case! I try to take heart in knowing that they will grow up and stop throwing tantrums eventually! Good luck to you:-)

The only thing in that situation for me, if I couldn't leave, would be to make sure my child did have to have a time out as soon as we got home. That only helps with future incidents though, if she knows you're serious about what you say, even when not at home. Also, don't be afraid of what others think, if your child has a fit in the store and you don't give in, even while people are staring, this teaches your child a valuable lesson. Sounds like you are on the right track and it will just take time for her to know you are for real. Keep up the good work!!