Discipline Ideas for 2 1/2 Year Old

I would put my DS's toys in timeout instead of him. Now if my kids get out of time-out I set the clock to zero again.

Not all kids respond well or get the lessons we hope for them from timeouts. Kids are tremendously individual in their emotional and intellectual compositions, and the one thing I have learned best from my decades of interacting with littles is that one size does NOT fit all.

For example, while I don't think spanking is a good or necessary parenting tool, on occasion, it may be the shortest route to a solution. My toddler was given two (separate) swats as a toddler after she had persistently ignored me while attempting to do dangerous things. My swats were pure desperation on my part, and I wished I had had the presence of mind to talk her patiently through those moments, but the fact remains that she was sufficiently impressed that she stopped trying to do those dangerous things.

"Discipline" means anything from teaching basic rules and principles, reminding children to obey, giving them tools to understand and obey, allowing them to experience the natural consequences of mistakes, and threatening or punishing. The punishing should always come last.
If you think about the reasons for punishment, really, what we're trying to do is impress the child with the fact that we want some other behavior from them. There are often gentler ways to achieve that goal.

Even time-outs come is several flavors, from the rigid "Stick your nose in that corner and stay there until you're contrite and sorry," to the gentle "Come sit by me and settle down until we can talk about this."

Here's my collection of ways to alter your family's experience of your child growing up. Most of these techniques make "discipline" less necessary – you and your child simply learn easier ways to interact that make misbehavior less likely:

1. I hope you will hold in mind that your son is not "trying" to be naughty; he's trying to meet some need, and he has a very poor repertoire of strategies with which to try. Children truly don't want to cause problems or get in trouble if they have any other way at all to meet their own growing need for autonomy, independence, and control of their circumstances. Adults have so much more practice in meeting our own needs in more civilized ways. Your toddler doesn't know any of that yet, and for a couple more years, he just won't see very much from your point of view. He can't help it. Dawdling, digging in heels, bolting, ignoring, and even tantrums are often a natural outcome of being more scheduled, pressured or frustrated than he can endure. And some children have a MUCH harder time of it than others.

2. There are methods for eliminating much of the mutual frustration he will experience during the next couple of years. While some steps require a bit of advance planning or extra patience from you, overall, you'll spend LESS time and energy than you would if dealing with behavior that isn't evolving in a positive direction.

3. When he wants something, empathize, big time, and in his language. I love the advice of Dr. Harvey Karp on how to get on a tantruming toddler's wavelength in this and several related videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6KnVPUdEgQ&featur.... . Once your little guy realizes you do care about what he wants, he's more likely to be able to calm down and cooperate with what you need from him.

4. There are lots of positive ways to approach discipline (which actually means teaching, and not punishment), rather than just saying no. Kids hear NO! often, and they can be so frustrated. So look for ways of finding a mutual "yes," and save "no" for those occasions when children are trying something dangerous. Instead of "Put that remote down!" for example, try "Here, play with this (dead) cell phone!" There will also be times when you must have cooperation, like diapering or trips to the store, so keep a special toy or distraction that he gets to play with only at those times.

5. Keep it playful, and keep it respectful. Children learn primarily through play and imitation. You may need help with this if your parents didn't model a lighthearted and kind approach when you were little. The book Playful Parenting is a great resource. Your son's sense of humor is developing, crude though it may be. (Also be aware that some "behaviors" like throwing are a natural experimental activity for kids, a form of play that is programmed into them for the purpose of developing brain/body connections. Find plenty of "acceptable" outlets for those repeating behaviors.)

6. Here's a big one: give advance notice when you'll want him to be doing anything differently, especially when he's grooving on some activity/play. Children absolutely hate unexpected transitions. With my grandson, we let him know at least a couple of times that a change is coming ("We're going to go to the store / have lunch / take a nap pretty soon." … and then a second alert a minute before making the change.)

7. Whatever the next activity is, make it sound as desirable as possible. Give some detail about the ride in the car, or a favorite food at lunch, or sweet snuggles before nap. Be positive and enthusiastic. And be calm. Desperation will show, and even though he's too young to deliberately engage in a planned power struggle, he will quite naturally sense any cracks in your resolve. And this is where future power struggles truly can begin.

8. Learn his limits. Try to keep demands low when he's tired, over-managed, overstimulated, hungry, or sick. He won't have any emotional reserves left with which to cooperate.

9. Get to know his most likely trouble-spots, and plan ahead. For many kids, it's when they want some temptation they've seen. So keep those things out of sight when possible. Be prepared with a distraction – for example, another toy he likes when you have to take some fascinating object away, or a healthy treat when he wants a sweet snack. Laughter, introducing a new game, a few twirls and bounces, hugs or tickles, a goofy song, can help break into his determination to get something he wants (that short attention span is both a curse and a blessing). And those interactions will give him some of the positive strokes he might be missing now that a new baby is distracting you more.

10. Avoid bribes, but let him work toward occasional rewards. Don't try to buy cooperation with "IF you'll do X, we'll let you have Y." Instead, phrase it as if he gets to assist in advancing something good for himself: "Hey, as soon as you help me get X done, then we get to do Y." It sounds like a small distinction, but it's important. It gives the child a chance to cooperate in what feels like choice, even when there's no "if" about it.

11. Encourage lots and lots of physical activity during the day. Time outdoors in nature is calming for most children. If he has pent-up energy, it will have to come out some way, and unless channeled in a positive direction, it will likely to add to both your stress and his.

12. Limit TV time – the passive receptivity to all that fast editing seriously interferes with children's normal brainwave patterns, making focus, cooperative behavior, and engagement in the "real" world more difficult.

13. Whatever you are trying to teach will need to be repeated hundreds of times over the next few years. That's completely normal. Attention spans and impulse control are extremely limited in toddlers, and the areas of the brain where those connections are being made develop only gradually during the toddler years.

14. Spanking and time-outs don't work for every kid, and will sometimes actually backfire over time. Children may be annoyed, scared, shocked, or shamed into compliance, but behaving for the sake of avoiding discomfort is NOT the same thing as developing an internalized sense of "good." Consistent, calm guidance and modeling what you DO want from him will work better in the long run than punishing for what you DON'T want him to do. See more on this by googling The Science of Parenting or Emotion Coaching.

15. Pay attention to what you love and appreciate about your son, and make sure he knows. Treat him with calm and respectful authority. Children crave attention and approval, and if he knows you're noticing his good moments, he'll try to create more of them.

16. Be open to learning new things about your little boy daily, even hourly. Avoid labeling and pigeonholing him or his behaviors. Often, what we think or assume gets in the way of noticing what is actually happening.

I wish you well. Enjoy your toddler – this is a challenging AND rewarding age!

Hang in there Mama! It gets better, it really does. He's testing your boundaries. My quick advice is "catch him being good" and praise, praise, praise--when he's acting up ignore, ignore, ignore.

If you haven't already, read "Mini-Methods or Madness" by Janie Peterson (available at Amazon). It's a super-easy ready with great ideas for curbing undesirable behavior through positive reinforcement during the good times.

For more on the book:
http://www.behavenkids.com/mini.html

Hi,
Sorry to hear that things are such a struggle! I am a parent educator who changed careers due to having a very strong willed child. I knew I needed help or all my days were going to be spent having the kind of struggles you are describing and I did not want to live that way, so I took a parenting class (below) and it made such a difference I changed careers to teach the course. I am going to print an article below and link you to another that comes from the work of Redirecting Children's Behavior.
http://www.amazon.com/Redirecting-Childrens-Behavior-Kath...
I believe that there are RCB instructors in your area so you could take the RCB course. Feel free to email me if you want more resources.
Blessings to you and your family,
K.
Kimberly Smith Cavins, OTR, CPE, EFT-Cert
"From the Heart" Family Healing

Helping people with:
~Parenting or Family Struggles
~Unhealed Emotional Issues, Trauma, or Illness
Who need Peace, Love, and Connection

Remedy Center for Healing Arts; 4910 Burnet Rd Austin, Tx 78756; ###-###-####, ____@____.com
"We can do no great things, only small things with great Love"~Mother Teresa

Transforming Power Struggles with Children
Part 1: No I Won’t and You Can’t Make Me!
By Kimberly Smith Cavins, OTR, CPE, EFT-Cert

Coercive vs. Authentic Power
In the parenting classes I teach as well as in individual sessions with parents the most frequent question I am asked is some form of “how can I get my child to….go to bed, brush his teeth, do her homework, finish his chores, practice the piano, etc. etc”….you get the picture; as parents, we’ve all been there!
First, The Bad News
When it comes to getting kids to do what we think is best, many parents try to “get” or “make” kids do what we want. Unfortunately, this can be a losing proposition; oh sure when we attempt to use force to get our kids to do things they sometimes actually do those things, but usually at a pretty high price to either our relationship with our child and/or to our own peace of mind. We end up “riding herd”: nagging, yelling, threatening, reminding, punishing and saying the same things over and over again….no wonder so many parents are so exhausted!
The thing is, when a child is fighting for her autonomy, all of the nagging, threatening, punishing, etc. that we do today rarely makes a difference in the same behavior tomorrow. So it’s like you are Bill Murray’s character in “Groundhog Day” all over again…every day it’s the same struggle over the same things.
Out of the Mouths of Babes…
When my daughter April was 3 she taught me one of the most valuable parenting lessons in my life: many kids need autonomy like we all need air. I’m not kidding and I am not even exaggerating that much! If you have one of these children you know what I mean, and you know what it is like to have any agenda you might possess on any given day challenged at every turn!
Here’s how it went down. My daughter had fairly significant asthma as a baby and young child. On this particular day she was sick and home from school with a respiratory infection and her asthma had kicked in something fierce. We were working with a holistic physician who had prescribed herbs that really helped April breathe with more ease and she had been taking these herbs for several months as needed.
After lunch, I announced that it was “time for herbs” as I got up from the table to get them. She calmly informed me that she would not be taking them that day. Confused, because she was having so much trouble breathing and the herbs were so effective for her, I asked why. She, again calmly, told me that she “would rather be sick than have anyone be the boss of me”. (Trust me I know that most power struggles don’t occur calmly….I truly believe that there was Divine Intervention keeping us both calm just so that I could learn this lesson!)
This is when the light dawned. April’s need to have freedom and choice…to be the captain of her own ship…was so high that she would rather wheeze and cough than have me dictate when and if she received treatment. At that moment April was willing to sacrifice her health for her autonomy. Oh man! I could see that my need for control was stimulating April’s resistance to having good health!
Ok, I Get It! Now What do I Do?
This experience (after having many others, most of them way less calm) sent me on a quest to learn to parent a child with a high need for autonomy more effectively. How could I live harmoniously with her without being a doormat? How could needed things like herbs, bedtime, and good nutrition happen without all of the force and punishment? How could our days flow smoothly without so much struggle?
There are in fact some great strategies and tools for handling power struggles with kids. What years of study and experience have shown me is that tools alone will not transform ongoing power struggles with a child who has a high need for autonomy. In my experience, before we can effectively apply new tools and strategies we as parents must first undergo a change of paradigm and a change of heart. (Trust me, I hear the desire for tools! I will offer more tools and strategies in an upcoming article.)
Shifting Our Focus from Obedience to Cooperation
The way most of us have been taught to raise or interact with children is that we need to manage and control their behavior. Another way of saying this is that we have been taught that parents should use force or Coercive Power in order to get children to do (or not do) things. As I mentioned before, trying to “make” someone do something they don’t want to do doesn’t work in the long run; it is like plugging holes in a leaky dam. You plug one leak and another one springs right up!

In order to be more effective with a child with a high need for autonomy with whom we are having frequent power struggles it is important to begin to surrender our own desire for power and control. We can then begin to shift our focus to creating cooperation and closeness. This is the paradigm shift to Authentic Power. There are some simple but powerful steps toward a relationship based in authentic power.

"Power consists in one's capacity to link his will with the purpose of others, to lead by reason and a gift of cooperation." ~Woodrow Wilson

Step 1: Practicing Self-Empathy
It is very challenging to raise a child who has a high need for autonomy or to have a child in one of those developmental stages where autonomy is paramount, such as when a child is two or in his/her teens. It is really important to take time to connect to your feelings such as frustration, discouragement, anger and/or powerlessness. In the practice of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), the teaching is that our negative emotions are signposts that direct us to unmet needs. In the situation with April, I can see now that my emotions were primarily fear and powerlessness
Now that I know about unmet needs, in this circumstance I can identify my unmet needs as: contributing to April’s well being, good health, ease, competence, and cooperation. (FYI: I can now see that in trying to control April, I was decreasing the likelihood of my needs getting met.) After connecting to your needs, the next step is taking those needs to your heart; get quiet, put one hand on your heart and connect to yourself and be present to your needs. Find empathy for yourself and your needs as you would for a dear friend who was struggling with a tough situation. Go to www.cnvc.org for lists of feelings and needs. Contact me directly if you would like the “Steps for Self-Empathy”.
Step 2: Practicing Empathy For Your Child
After you practice self-empathy, you can then begin to have empathy for your child. Note: You will not be successful with this if you are still having strong emotions about the situation; if you are, return to self-empathy or find a friend who will give you some empathy. If that is not doing it for you, you might get a mentoring session or consult with a therapist. It is almost impossible to have empathy for another before having empathy for oneself.
Connect again to your heart. From this connection, envision the event from your child’s perspective. What can you guess/intuit that he/she is feeling? In the example with April, I can now guess she was feeling tired, powerless, frustrated and angry (in addition to feeling lousy from being sick).
Connect again to your heart. What needs do these emotions point to in your child? For April in that scenario, I can now guess that she was needing autonomy, freedom, choice, understanding and empathy. When I am able to connect with another in this way, I become way less attached to my agenda and more willing to seek harmony and a solution where everyone can win.

Step 3: Create a Win-Win
The next step is to create a solution based on the interests/needs/values you have identified for each person, and then start brainstorming solutions where everyone’s needs are met: a Win-Win!
In this example, one win-win solution might have been for April to set a timer with an amount of minutes that she had chosen and then she could have taken the herbs when the timer went off (this option would have given her more autonomy and still met my need for her health). I have never seen a situation where a win-win is impossible if people are willing to negotiate from the place of needs and are committed to closeness with the other person.
With a willingness to surrender your need for control, to practice connecting to your heart, and to practice empathy for yourself and your child, you can begin to build a foundation for cooperation in your family. You can begin to replace power struggles with ease and cooperation.

http://incaf.com/articles/Avoiding_Power_Struggles.pdf

He is too young for time out. Time out works for a limited amount of time. This also goes for the "naughty" spot or any other thing like that. Time out works between the ages of 3 and 5. They just don't get it before then.

At this age, redirection works best. Kind of like and out of sight out of mind thing. Tell him "no" and then redirect his attention to something else. As a former Pre-K teacher of 1-3yo, this technique works wonders and it is developmentally appropriate.

I also think you may need to take a tour of your house... if he is "in trouble" every 10-20 minutes, then something in the environment is wrong.

As for whining, don't listen to it. Say things like "I can't hear you when you speak like that" or "when you can ask me and I can understand you you will get what you want". Otherwise, ignore it. Once he doesn't get what he wants out of it, he will stop.

As for constant asking for food and drink, take a look at his diet. Constant grazing at this age is not a good thing. I know they have tiny tummies, but if he is not getting enough fats and proteins, he will not fill up. Fill his cup with water and put it somewhere he can get to it at all times so he is not constantly asking you for it. Put some reasonable snacks at his level that he has access to without needing to ask permission. Only put one or 2 things there so he doesn't over eat. Also, make sure they are healthier options like yogurt raisins, peanut butter crackers, apple slices, that sort of thing.

Finally, it really sounds like your son is bored. If he is constantly asking for for and drink, getting into stuff he has nothing else to do. I know it is hard to be engaging with him when you have a little one, but maybe its time for Mother's Day Out a couple of days a week. Try to play a game or something with him during baby's nap time.

Good Luck

You need to be tougher. He's disciplining you with the laborious time outs. The goal for discipline is for your child to learn right behavior in order to AVOID discipline not cooperate with it all the time. After that, the right choice becomes a habit, and then LATER when the child is OLDER, like 3, 4 and up, logical consequences and the conscience takes over IF there has been a clear foundation of right and wrong. THEN you can start to depend on logic and more mature and pleasant solutions to stuff. And THEN your child will be old enough to learn from your positive example in day to day life. But at 2 1/2, effective discipline is NEEDED.

I haven't disciplined my 5 year old at all in over 2 years, but we were very firm (but never angry or at the end of our rope) in the early pre-verbal formative years. My 3 year old is also extremely kind and happy and hardly ever needs discipline (anymore). But my 2 year old? Just like her sibs before her: pretty consistent discipline going on, but she much better than most 2 year olds, and was born a super terror. She has improved immensely, and she is much more confident, happy and mature than she was 6 months ago because of it. People say she acts 3, and now we're moving into the more "playful" alternatives to discipline, since she knows the drill.

2 1/2 is getting up there to nip things easily, don't be afraid to be firmer.

For age 2 1/2, you need to be clear, calm, immediate, concise, the less words the better, non angry, and the consequence needs to matter (enough to avoid) to a child who does not yet have empathy or the ability to care about your explanations and counting etc.

You say you need something that works for lesser offenses, but lesser offenses should be dealt with seriously and calmly at this age so they don't escalate. This is preferable to being lenient until things are a huge problem and then needing big battles, or having an out of control child. Having one effective measure CONSISTENTLY for all things makes discipline even more scarce, because kids learn much faster to heed the warning, whatever it is, since there is no gambling about the results.

Get the book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson (read about it on Amazon first to make sure you're OK with the list of 7 essential things to discipline) for great tips on building respectful kids and what type of clear brief discipline to use when (she actually does recommend time outs for some situations, but I've never used any).

I have 3 great kids under 5 I can take anywhere. We have a blast, and I literally have yelled at them only a few times in their lives-and they did not get disciplined when I was angry enough to yell. I've never had to suffer through a single time out, and I get results from a respectful speaking tone always with my older two, and most of the time with my 2 year old.

Don't start the timeout clock until he is there doing what he is supposed to be doing. My kids know they have to sit quietly so if they choose to scream for 5 minutes I don't start it until they are silent. It may take you an hour of repeatedly placing him in timeout but eventually he will stay and he will know you mean business. It may take a few times but stick with it and he will learn that he can have a quick timeout if he does it correctly.

I was in your position once. It is hard to put your life on hold (other kids) while you watch one in time out. I put my son in time out wherever we are. He has to get on his knees, put his forehead to the floor with his hands behind his back. Sounds mean but it is effective. Time out is usually in the middle of the kitchen so I can watch him while I do my Mom business. Yours is only 2 1/2. 2 1/2 minutes in time out. Just something that works for me.

We had the same problem and recently discovered Positive Parenting Solutions. It's AMAZING. Check it out if you get a chance.

http://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/

I would just ignore whining. You can say, "I'll get you some juice when you ask in a big boy voice." Or, you can have a mantra like, "No juice right now. How about some water." Then ignore any "fits" he may throw and just repeat. When he asks in a nice voice then run and get that water! That's just reinforcing good behavior.

The trick is sticking to your plan...... even if you are in a grocery store and it's so embarrassing!

Use his highchair for time out. As a former daycare teacher this is what we would do with older babies and toddlers. The general rule is 1 minute per year of life. As he gets older, you will need to have a time out place. He may do the same thing, but if you follow how Super Nanny does it you will be successful. You just have to keep putting him back in timeout until he does his 3 or 4 minutes. It doesn't matter how many times he gets up, don't give up. Just put him back in time out. You may have to do it 20 times but eventually he will get the point that you are not going to give up and give in to his temper tantrum. Then he will realize that it's better to take the 3 or 4 minutes and be done with it.

At 2 1/2 it may still be a little young, so if you can use the high chair or a playpen, that is what I would suggest.

I second Amy J's response. I don't think timeouts are working for you guys--you need another discipline technique.