Discipline for a 2 Year Old - Columbia Falls,MT

the whining is soooo normal for little ones. It is definitely hard to handle but we all did it and 99% of toddlers whine. What works best for me is when he whines to repeat it the correct way. I say to him, "please don't whine, say, mommy, I would like milk, please." Then he repeats it the correct way. Sometimes he'll even say, sorry mommy. Like he didn't mean to whine ... it is just something he resorts to. So teaching him the proper way to say something works for us instead of just saying "NO WHINING!!"

You might try Love and Logic--they have it for little ones all the way up to High School.

I agree that Love and Logic for young childeren has some very helpful tactics. Two year old's wine and scream, as a fact of life, but as with all their mis-behavior, you shouldn't put up with it. They will rise to your expectations. When my two year old whines or screams, I ask him, "Do you want to stop whining/screaming or do you want a time out/alone time?" Usually he stops and says through sobs, "stop whinning." Then I tell him to talk to me in a "big" voice and tell me what he needs (a "please" is required). Occasionally he chooses to go to his room. If he doesn't respond to my question or is just melting down, then I say in a very pleasant voice, "oh, I guess you need some alone time. You can come out when you are being nice." and I shut him in his room until he stops. Then I don't have to hear it and he learns a lesson. It really works. Good luck! They sure do know how to push buttons at this age!

Hi Brandy,

With my son the best (and sometimes only) thing that has worked is time outs. When he was about 2 we started doing them for about 5 minutes at a time. He has to sit in his room with the door closed. I set the timer and I don't go back in until the timer has beeped. With him not being able to see me he can't push me to get what he wants. After the 5 minutes is up I will go in and talk to him about what he did wrong. Now that he is older (4) we will sometimes give him longer time outs depending on what he has done wrong. It has to be swift and immediate. For example....the other day he was DEMANDING m&m's for breakfast ;-), I told him that was not breakfast food and he needed to eat something else....I said he could have pancakes and bananas or peanut butter toast and bananas (his favorites)....he said "No, I want M&Ms NOW!" and started stomping his feet. I told him he could not demand things that way and he needed to stop or he was going to get a time out, I counted to 5, when he refused to stop I took him to his room, set him on the floor and let him have a tantrum for 5 minutes. After 5 minutes I went back in, explained to him why this was not appropriate behavior and asked him if he was ready to act like a big boy. More often than not he has calmed down enough to be reasonable. If his own bedroom doesn't work because....maybe he just plays in there and it's not really a punishment....find somewhere in the house that is quiet, secluded and most important - away from you so he can't try to push you into what he wants.

When he was 2 we would do the same thing, but with a simpler structure. I made sure to be very direct and specific about why he was getting a time out and then followed through on it. Also, my husband and I always make sure that whoever initiates the time out (dh or I) is also the one that goes and gets him so there is no good guy/bad guy routine.

I too HATE whining and we get a lot of that, especially if he thinks that's how he can get his way. With the time outs I am able to leave him in a secure area, know that he is fine and let him get some of his frustration out without it driving me nuts. If he has not calmed down or is still refusing to acknowledge what he did wrong and say sorry for it, then he gets another 5 minutes. That might be a little too much for a 2 year old, but that's what we've worked up to.

I hope I've explained myself in the right way. I've found that almost every time he does something wrong and we tell him that OR if he wants something he can't have and we tell him no, it is followed by whining, crying, and/or a tantrum. This is the best way to get it through to him that his behavior will not be tolerated and keep me from either giving in or losing my cool, either of which would set a worse example for him.

Good luck on this. 2 is a really hard age to try to get them to understand discipline. I hope you find something that works for you.

K.

P.S.
I live in Bozeman now, but grew up in Whitefish....small world!!

"Love and Logic for the Early Childhood Years" by Jim Fay. Works like a charm! It uses logical consequences for bad behavior so that the child decides on their own that they don't like what happens when they act a certain way.

My son is almost two and has started the screaming/tantrum thing occasionally. I have been ignoring it. I sit there and do something else, or just look elsewhere, and tell him to let me know when he is done. Sometimes he comes over for a hug and I ask him to calm down so we can talk about it. Sometimes he does, sometimes it takes a bit. When he calms down I ask him if he is ready to talk about it. I will repeat what it is he wants and if it is something that I was going to say yes to anyway, I will have him ask again, with a please and praise him, and tell him how much easier it is when he asks calmly. If it is something that I don't want him to do, etc. I will explain why not. He may start to cry again, and when he is calm, I will try to distract him with another activity.

Luckily, I haven't dealt with the whining yet, but I would think that the same thing might work...ignore, and praise the appropriate behavior.

Sorry I don't have better advice.

See my response to Veronica S. regarding her screaming 3 year old.

I always thought the way my parents punished my brother and I was great. We were spanked (not abused) and loved. The spanking was not something that was done in anger. It was punishment for our "crime" and after it we moved on. Things weren't held over our heads. They were dealt with, we were reminded how much we were loved even though the action we had taken was not. We were not inspired to violence, but rather to obedience. I guess part of me had always thought that my dad came up with the process they used by himself.
When I was pregnant with my first child he gave me a pile of books regarding discipline. As I started to read through them I discovered the one that really influenced him. It is called God, the Rod and Your Child's Bod. It really lays out a clear method and reasoning for why proper, healthy, Godly discipline full of love and respect is necessary for raising healthy obedient children. We've been following the technique laid out in the book and things seem to be going really well for us.

mostly i think that you need to pick a method and stick with it. he is pushing you and testing the boundaries because he doesn't have consistency. the whining, i would tell my son, (he is three now), "i can't hear you when you whine. speak like a big boy." same if he's screaming. ignore it and act as though he was simply not communicating correctly. "sorry, i can't understand you. stop screaming and tell me, what's going on?" you absolutely have to stay calm tho- the more you lose your temper or get upset the more he'll do it. show him it doesn't get him anything. for what it's worth, we have always used time outs, the super nanny method, and it has worked great. there have been a couple of times where i have given him a couple swats, when i knew he was using time out as a delay tactic to get out of doing what he was told. once he actually refused to use the potty, even told me he wanted a time out, and when i put him in time out, he peed on the floor. (this was WELL after he was potty trained.) so yes, he got a swat. like you said, without anger, just as a step beyond a time out because i felt he was deliberately playing me. like i said tho, pick a tactic and stick with it. my son knows that misbehaving gets him a time out, and 99% of the time just the threat of a time out stops the behavior. he also knows, if he doesn't do as he's told or behave after the time out, a swat is a possibility. we have always done it this way. and i think that is the key.

Hi Brandy, my advice is to chuck out those books. I think that some of their techniques are abusive. I am not against spanking, but their methods are extreme and demeaning.
The books that the other moms suggested are good ones. I also love Dr. James Dobson's "The New Strong Willed Child". It has great advice without the Pearls "dog training" advice.

I was in thearpy long ago for something simmilar.
The best thing I ever read was this book.

It helps with all ages and my daughter is only 3 years old.
IT REALLY WORKS. BUT YOU HAVE TO BE CONSITANT!

Check it out - Its worth reading.

" HAVE A NEW KID BY FRIDAY "

http://www.haveanewkidbyfriday.com/BookTopicParenting.aspx

Brandy,

I know the books you are speaking of, and I teach parenting classes to expectant parents through parents of teenagers. I am a mother of three children, ages 11 to 16. The problem with these techniques is that they set up an adversarial relationship between parents and children and erode the trust that is necessary to healthy family relationships. Rest assured that your child has no intention of pushing your buttons but rather to have your positive attention. Try rewarding his good behaviors, redirecting him to what is acceptable (e.g. "Let's play with this instead.") and simply not reinforcing whining and screaming but do recognize that children whine when they are tired or overstimulated. Your love and patience will go a long way in raising healthy and happy children!

I wholeheartedly endorse the Love & Logic Early Childhood book. I haven't read the other ones, but the one specifically for ages birth to 6 years is awesome. Great strategies.

Liz S. is so right about whining. Teach the correct way/tone of voice to make a request. Then keep reminding, and reminding – it will take awhile, because ALL kids whine. It's as automatic a response as giggling is, and all of us did it to our parents. ;-)

The other thing that helps with whining is for parents to politely request what they want of their children. I'm often startled to hear the way moms or dads or older siblings boss little kids around. Snappish, rude, abrupt. I wonder how surprised we'd all be to hear a candid recording of our interactions with our kids. It's worth being aware of, because kids learn by example to a far greater degree than through what we tell them.

Finally, for moms who choose to employ time-outs for discipline, there's a set of guidelines that will help make them positive. The ideal is to help a child learn to control himself, not to be controlled by outside forces (even if the force is a well-intentioned parent).

Ideally, a time-out is NOT PUNISHMENT, and therefore, it's not important that the child sit quietly for the full minute-per-year. It is only important that he realize that he must be in control of his emotions/behavior to continue his play. (Of course, this will take practice. None of us change instantly.)

Once a power struggle ensues – in which a parent repeatedly drags a child back to the time-out spot to start the clock again, the exercise becomes punitive (to both parent and child, actually). The original point of the time-out has been completely lost on the child, and he just feels the whole thing is unfair. So he ramps up his emotions and resistance.

Now it's merely a power struggle, an entirely different dynamic than "Let's give you some time to be in control of yourself." Instead, it has become, "I need to conquer you." This is really unacceptable news for a normal, spirited child, and is essentially unfair, because the child had no possibility of avoiding consequences for parental decisions made on the spot.

So, the ideal time-out gives the child a minute or so to calm down, perhaps realize his behavior was undesirable, so that he can re-set himself and resume his play. And with the ideal time-out, the child is more likely feel protected and assisted in his growing up, not embroiled in a continuing power struggle that leaves bad feelings for him to deal with.