Disagreeing on Houses!

If you don't BOTH love it, then its NOT the house for you. If you know there are certain things that one of you hates (like the split-level) don't even look at those houses.

(Kids' opinion is irrelevent.)

The bigger the bedrooms the more junk they collect. Less is more in my book. I would go for smaller bedrooms and more actual living space.

First - keep the kids out of the process. You already have a situation of Father vs Kids and you don't want that. If at all possible, don't take the kids with you when you look at houses.

Second - you and your husband each need to list 5 things, in order from most to least, that you really want in a house. Also list 5 things you want to avoid. ONLY FIVE. No more. Then compare your lists, and come up with a compromise list. Any pros/cons in common go on the new list. If there is only one, it automatically becomes the new #1 priority/thing to avoid.

Don't forget to consider that your children will grow up and leave. Do you plan to sell the house when that happens? If not, then look at each house through the eyes of an older couple without children. Look for something that will suit both now and then.

For what it's worth, the rooms you call 'closets' are the same size as my kids' rooms.

A home is a huge investment. You should both LOVE it. Keep looking!

We believe the rooms need balance - size with function. A huge master is nice but it's not all that useable if you know what I mean. I suppose if I wanted a pole and a swing... No closets and/or overall limited storage is a no go in our book. Slate wouldn’t bother me but it wouldn’t turn my crank either. It’s going to need to be sealed periodically like any natural stone which means that will be the dreaded somebody’s chore. Slate is a bit dark and heavy so I would have to see the bathroom before I could say yes or no to the design and function of it. I wouldn't like a place where I was forced to consider lofts later on. Lofts sound like an enormous pain. In general you both have to love the house or it’s not a good idea. If he doesn’t like yours and you don’t like his, keep shopping.

We are house hunting now. We sat down a couple of months ago after we agreed we’d be selling and buying BUT before we did anything other than agree. We hashed out a mutually agreeable list of needs/wants/deal breakers. Since we both agreed to what's on the list, we are sticking to it now that we are starting to look. Our focus is schools, neighborhoods and community. We are zoned to poor schools now and it is hurting our resale value. Our neighborhood is older so there aren't any kids to play with and to be blunt the kids who are around don't seem like the ones I want my kids befriending. Finally we want a community which is family friendly and culturally diverse.

My husband is an agent and he says one of the the biggest mistakes he sees people make is that they wind up only spending an hour or two in the house they eventually buy. We make our appointments for at least an hour each and we go more than once to a house which catches our collective interest. We leave our kids at home and really poke around the house. We take the tape measure and go from room to room. How would I cook dinner? Where am I going to serve every day meals? Special meals? Where does my regular and special kitchen stuff go? What’s the pantry situation? Clean up? In the bedrooms where do the furniture and toys go? Who is sleeping next to whom? Where are the bathrooms? Who is using what bathroom and when I have guests what bathroom will they use? How is the master bath – we both get ready at the same time so is there enough room? Is there sufficient storage for everything – linens, towels, kitchen towels, paper towels, toilet paper, cleaning products, light bulbs, holiday decorations, out of season stuff…. What’s the laundry room like – enough space to launder and do whatever else I want in there? The list goes on and on. So far we have found three strong contenders but after spending about three hours in each we realized they are not a good fit. On the surface, yes, but after really thinking it through and mocking up our lives within the context of the house, no. Good luck.

I'm so glad this process is long behind us. Buying a home is one of the biggest stresses on a marriage, IMO. The only thing that was worse was remodeling. We did a MAJOR addition and remodel several years ago and it was HELL. Of course in the end it was great but the process? Nope, never want to go there again!
Just keep looking. It takes time. I know it's stressful, around here market conditions are such that when you see something you have to move fast, but it's simply way too important of a purchase to rush.
Oh, and re the slate shower? Super durable and easy to maintain. It's stone, so it's a natural fit with water, like the wall of a waterfall. Our friends have all slate bathrooms in their house and they love them. I don't love them because they're too dark for me.
ETA: I also think the kids' opinion isn't all that important. This is a major financial decision and should be made by the adults. As parents you know what they need better than they do anyway. A five year old may love a big back yard but in a few years she's going to care more about other things, like the privacy and location of her bedroom, and the size of her closet. You need to think long term, because your kids won't.

BAthrooms can always be redone. Slate is no harder to clean than ceramic tile (I have a slate living room floor and I love it). As for bedrooms - it sounds like each kid gets their own bedroom? 11X9 is fine for one kid (from a family of 5 we always had to share bedrooms). Until they're in their middle-late teen years they don't really spend much time in their bedrooms. and when they get to that age maybe the smallness will help them be out with the family more. Ultimately it's only a few years that they spend so much time in their rooms. That would never be a deal breaker for me. As for the linen closet - I've never heard of a linen closet in a master bedroom - but I live in NY where most of the houses are older. If the master is huge you can add an armoir for your linen. I love armoirs - there are so many really pretty ones. And the sauna? I'd buy the house just for the sauna. (I love dry heat).

I love split level houses too. I love the layout - having the bedrooms on a separate level that's only a half stairway away - and a family room that's away from everything. BUT - from what I've heard from people who live in splits - it's a lot of stairs. No matter where you go you have to go up and down stairs. It's not a house to grow old in - or to retire in.

Soem peopel jsut don't liek the look of a split - it's very "mid-century" - 50's and 60's. My teenage daughter who has taken an architecture class in high school hates split levels. She prefers colonials - me too. But we live in a cape - 2 bed rooms up, 2 bedroom on the main floore. Horrible.

Ask your husband what it is about the split he likes so much. Remember you're buying a neighborhood, the school disrict, the block and the style of the house. The bathroom, basement sauna and even linen closet can all be changed.

I say you keep looking until you find something you both like. We househunted for a few months - probably looked at more than 25 houses and we finally found a house we both like, that we could afford. It's out there!

My son's room is about that size. And he has a full sized bed. You learn to pick up your toys. He also has a fort-into-the-closet tunnel in there right now and we can still move around the room. That's just regarding the size of the kid's room...

As for a linen closet for the master bedroom, we have a shelf placed in the hallway closet, which serves just fine. See, for me, we have a small old house, so if I needed a 'linen closet' close in my room, I'd pick up a small chest of drawers to serve that purpose. We put most of our extra linens (when they are not needed for the season) in storage in the attic in good containers. There are work-arounds.....

Both you and husband need to sit down and make a list of the things you want and then prioritize it.
... if it were me and my husband in that situation? We'd keep looking to find something we both wanted. If you've only just started looking, the house of both your dreams might be out there, but if you stop looking, you could be missing out.

If you don't agree then don't purchase either.

This is going to be your home together so you all have to like it. I would make a list (you and your hubby) of what you really want in a home and what you don't. When you go looking mark off each item then compare your notes and see which house has the most likes from both of you. Look together on line and if they don't appeal in the pictures don't bother looking, you will only get frustrated and overwhelmed.

When we went looking for our current home I was alone looking but I knew what my husband wouldn't like it. We eventually found the perfect house for us (a short sale) and waited over 6 months to close (worth the wait).

I do not have a slate shower but those stones are slippery when wet. I would not use slate for a shower or bathroom, too dark and high maintenance IMO.

When we were buying our house, we had two options. Ours, or the one right next door. Both were in the finishing stages of being built and we could pick the finishing touches (counter tops, carpets, etc). We went with the "smaller" house simply because the kids rooms in the other house are TINY. And our house has a much better kitchen (in our opinion). Their laundry room is upstairs which we wanted, but that wasn't a dealbreaker for us.

You both need to make a list of your must haves and your won't haves...then go from there. Keep looking...you'll find the right one.

J. G-

Take a deep breath and remember you are blessed to have these first world problems.

We live in NYC, hubs and I purchased a so called Junior 4. It totals 900 sq feet. no laundry, no parking, no thermostat, one shared bath, DS's b-room is 9x10. no eat in kitchen, no separate dining room, and a whole bunch of other shortcomings which are taken for granted elsewhere in the US.

For us though, it had all of our needs (within walking distance of my parents, within walking distance of the subway/ LIRR, in a decent school district, with prospects for parking (we are on a wait list)). It met most of our wants- 2 bedrooms, a recently upgraded kitchen and bath, some otudoor space (it has a balcony), a dishwasher, or room for one, and being pre-war or having charming architecture. It didn't hit the mark on the pre-war or charming arch, and doesn't get a lot of natural light.

I won't tell you the purchase price, but I will share that we pay over $1K maintenance, monthly for our "palatial" home.

Remember you are blessed to have this as a bone of contention.
Best,
F. B.

11x9 sounds pretty standard for a kids bedroom. Bedrooms are for sleeping and storage, not for playing. A loft bed isn't a safety issue for a six year old. A sauna sounds awesome. I have never, ever had a utility sink in my laundry room, so I am not sure why one would be necessary.

Is the split level a three level split or a four level split? I love four levels but hate three. Three level splits lose half the basement.

If you can't agree, keep looking. Good luck.

I would say you need to keep looking.

I'm with your husband - I'd also reject a split level outright (actually, I wouldn't even look at it in the first place). I just don't like all those stairs and levels. I find it makes a larger house seem smaller. Maybe it's just me.

But his house doesn't sound ideal either. The bedrooms ARE small, the laundry room sounds small and cramped (and that's a deal breaker for me, I do A LOT of laundry). Changing those loft bed sheets would be a real drag and it would become a chore I'd absolutely dread. You'd be living in a beautiful, ____@____.com house.

It sounds like you want a practical house that works for your lifestyle (larger bedrooms, larger laundry room, low maintenance bathroom, etc) and your husband wants a showpiece. So, yeah, neither house sounds all that great. Keep looking. The house that works for both of you is out there.

When you look at houses, you look first for location, location, location. Then you look at houses that make SENSE to the WIFE. If you don't have both of these, you have a hard time selling the house.

Your husband doesn't get it. You have to put your foot down and say no to this house.

You are the one staying in this house 24/7. He isn't. You're homeschooling in this house, BUT you still need to be buying for the location of living in a good school district.

There are certain aspects of properties that don't help you sell. Power lines in the back yard. A power station (the big monsters) close by. Corner lots sometimes have a hard time selling. I had a corner lot and swore I'd never have another when it took me over 9 months to sell a house. Stucco in some parts of the country simply will not sell - some people won't get out of the car when they drive up and see stucco. That's just the outside. Can you imagine when the wife walks into the house? Most wives are the ones vetting the houses, J., so that's why strange houses take so long. I promise someone else will have trouble with unusual spaces when it's your turn to sell that house.

I do know that the bedroom sizes you are mentioning are common for many people. For YOU, they are small. You are used to a pretty large house. Don't stop at this house. You need to move on and find a house that makes sense to you. Just say no. He'll get over it when you both find a more appropriate space...

These aren't the right houses.

Sit down and make a list of Must have/Like to have/Must NOT have for your hunt.

Then look at houses that don't have the MUST NOT stuff on them (spilt level, tiny kids rooms, tiny closets).

Consider everything - list the good points and bad points of every house you look at.
Figure out what the deal breakers are.
I've seen townhouses with bedrooms so small you could barely fit a twin mattress in them - it would be like sleeping in a closet.
Bedrooms don't have to be huge but 11 x 9 sounds a bit small.
We looked at many houses, narrowed it down to about 4, compared lot size, layout, was it in a flood zone, school districts, type of house, how old was it, were the bedrooms all together or master bedroom separated from the rest (didn't want our son all alone on the other side of the house or on a different floor of the house), where would the Christmas tree go, wanted a single story house, a big garage, etc.
There were things I liked about a lot of houses, some I hated outright, but we both talked about the pros and cons and we found a house we all love.
We've been here about 7 years now.

We would love a sauna in the basement.
I can't stand split level houses, they feel like "partial" houses to me. So that would be the deciding factor for us.
It's amazing what you can do with a small bedroom, and loft and bunk beds never bothered me. The kids change their own sheets and have since they were 7 or 8. Our daughter's room is 12x9, but has an outside balcony she can use in the summer. She has a dresser with a built in closet (yup, no closet either), bookshelves, and another dresser in there with her bed. But we removed the bed frame, which prevents her from shoving stuff under the bed and created more room. She loves it. I never had a large bedroom growing up, so I guess this just wasn't a deciding factor for us. I was more concerned I could afford to heat the house, so we didn't want a large home.

I looked at a house with a laundry room off the master bedroom. I thought that was a perfect solution. I ended up with a house with the laundry in the basement and I HATE IT. Oh well, "first world problems" I tell myself.

Because my home is 110 years old, "resale" value is not out first priority. Comfort in our lifestyle, and convenience to the things we prefer to be close to, are more important. We'll probably be here until we pay off the mortgage. It's a quirky house, but we love it :)

You are both too "dug in" about your preferred houses. You need to find a third option and that means more looking. Lots more.

Sorry, that's not what either of you wants to hear, but it's true. House-hunting (kind of like finding that first preschool for the first kid....) often produces instant love (this one is perfect! I knew as soon as I saw it! It fits my style and needs!) but continued looking will uncover other places that work better for the whole family, and that includes the kids. Note that I say "work better" and not "be equally perfect."

The idea of "we can build lofts later" is pie in the sky. As the kids get older they need more room and a loft sounds dandy now but they may hate the idea later and it may make already small rooms feel even smaller and more cramped to stick another level inside them, which is all a loft really is.

It sounds like he is putting stylish details over the realities of what your kids need now and in the future, and like you are focused on your kids having something like what you had growing up. Neither is going to be achievable.

Ask him if he is willing to put up with years and years of storage cabinets, trunks and boxes (however fancy and aesthetic) in the bedrooms and hallways and under the stairs and in the foyer because there is not enough closet space. That would be a deal-breaker for me.

But your choice already has his hackles up, too.

Did you two sit down and write your own lists of what are musts; what are nice but optional extras; and what are deal-breakers? You should halt and do that now if you have not. For instance: For me, must would be enough closet space in bedrooms; nice optional extra would be laundry on the main level; and deal-breaker would be a swimming pool, as in NOT wanting one to maintain. You and he need to make lists.

Also, if you are not working with a realtor, get one pronto! We had one who listened to us both and had a terrific idea of what would work for us and narrowed down choices so we were not looking at lots of houses but at ones on which we could both agree.

As for slate shower, no idea, but I would not want a sauna unless I were in love with the idea of using it regularly. Otherwise you are paying to maintain something that you are not using. Or to pull it out, which would be costly.

Keep looking. Put a list together of must haves and don't wants and go from there. Look on the internet daily to see what's just listed (so that you can make an appointment to see it asap). Look at things over your price point because you can usually get them for a better price when you negotiate the sale.

You'll end up not getting everything on your list but if you have a clear vision of what you've got to have it makes it easier. Don't worry about cosmetic things. You can change colors and do minor changes very easily.

My house is a modified split level and it's cool but not to everyone's taste. The best feature is that my laundry room is right outside the master bedroom. It's a half flight of stairs to get kitchen and bath towels from the main level and a half flight down to get dirty clothes and towels from the upper level. When my kids lived home I use to fold clothes and leave them on the steps so they could pick up their pile as they went up and put them away.

write a list of MUST HAVEs for your new home. Both of you...separately..

Then look at the lists and see how they compare.

After we have our list done, I would find out just how much we would be approved for in a loan - unless you are paying cash - then you need to see what your cash will buy you in your area....then I would hire a realtor to help us find what we are looking for.

Unless you are going to do anything more than sleep in the bedrooms - will the bed and dressers fit in the room? Get a pad of graph paper and sketch it out...use furniture so you can see just how "big" it is. If it doesn't work..it doesn't work.

I would NOT buy a home with small bedrooms. I haven't had slate everywhere...but I imagine it MIGHT get a tad slippery when wet.

Do you REALLY want to put lofts in the rooms? I don't think so. Unrealistic thinking on your husband's part. The kids WILL grow. And that loft? Won't be so fun or interesting in a few years...have your husband try and make the bed for a loft...then ask him if he's willing to do it every time sheets need to be made??? if the answer is NO..then it's not the house for you...

I wouldn't buy a home with the laundry in the bedroom or a bathroom. Looked at one and said NOPE. Won't work for me.

Do NOT allow your children to be deciders in this process. You narrow it down to three and then say - here's the three we like best...what are your thoughts? Until then - keep 'em out.

My perfect house?

Five bedrooms, 4 FULL baths, den/office. 2 car attached garage. I want a covered porch (veranda) on the front of my "dream" home....not many of them here in my area...full basement.

right now I have 3K square feet. 5 beds, 3 full bath, 2 car attached. One of the rooms is used as a den (and it contains my husband's clutter). We do NOT have a basement and we DO NOT have "storage". However...storage means you keep things you don't need....

Seriously...write a list separately and compare what you are wanting in a home...it will save a LOT of hassle and disagreements.

you guys need to start off closer to the same page. i'd reject both of these and start looking with your expectations at least somewhat in tandem.
i loathe split-levels. that would be off the block right off the bat. but i also didn't want a rancher (my dream house was a traditional farmhouse with 2 stories and a wraparound porch) but this house has other stuff i really wanted, so i compromised there.
my husband's main factors were roominess, and that it be in good repair (i.e. not one of the charming old money pits that made me swoon), since he's our repair man and it had to be something he can keep up outside his demanding job and killer commute, and not eat every minute of his scanty time off.
if the split-level is the ONLY thing your husband doesn't like about 'your' house, he's being a little nitpicky. but you have clearly also mentally ruled out 'his' house, so it's not an auspicious choice. i don't know why the sauna offends you, or why kids don't make their own beds. but the tiny bedrooms and closet situation would not sit well with me.
i suggest you worry less about resale value. this is going to be your HOME. how happy you will be in it is far, far more important than a fictional future market.
i'm fascinated by the 'light in front of the house' detail. i've thought all the way around it, and honestly can't figure out why that's important! of course, other people wouldn't have considered wild dionysian grapevines that beckoned so enticingly to me from the back woods to have been a selling factor either.
:) khairete
S.

Resale would be my biggest concern, if I was planning on moving again within 15 years. If you'll be there longer, than I think I could work with the smaller rooms. There are safer loft bed options, like this "Embrace" one from Ashley Furniture that is just slightly higher than a daybed, but has a dresser and shelving underneath and safe stairs. (On pg 4 of their "Youth Bedrooms")

ETA: But for me, I'm not compromising on much in our next house--we've been looking since July and I am willing to wait until we have exactly what we need, where I want it.

Okay, sit down and write down what each wants in a house. Then put the list together and find a house that "fits" the needs of each. What is the budget? Can you build a house that will accommodate the needs of all of you? When do you need to move or is it just a dream?

Perhaps hubby is thinking about climbing up and down the steps later in life. Split levels are no fun when your body does not work well in climbing. I have heard this from many people. Besides living in it you will become a bit tired of the mountain goat affect with laundry and kids rooms on different levels. You are thinking about the tiny rooms and your growing kids.

Can you get a home with basement, and second floor that will fit the needs of the family? Will you be able to expand by building onto the house in future if need be without moving again?

Sit down and think it through.

Welcome to the world of house hunting.

the other S.

No! Large bedrooms are a must. We sold our old house because of the tiny bedrooms, even though it had a wonderful finished basement/family room. We moved into a custom built one-level house with an open floor plan and huge bedrooms. The old house was a starter home for us, so at the time we didn't need large bedrooms. But wow- what a difference large bedrooms make. My daughter's bedroom is big enough to put a Step2 playhouse, a large play kitchen, a dresser, a twin bed with canopy, and a large bookshelf/cabinet piece. And she still has room to spread out. My son's is equally as large. Love, love, love it! The bonus of the large bedrooms is that the toys can stay in their room because they can actually play in their rooms! Stick to your guns on the large bedrooms and keep looking for a compromise house that you both love.

You hate the loft in the O. bedroom and your husband proposes lofts in all of them? Huh?
If my master was "monstrous"? Why not put the laundry there? Sure.

There isn't even a linen closet for the master? OH MY GOD! ;-D
Sorry to be facetious, I truly wish I had that issue in my life lol.

I would love a bigger house, I live in a 2 bed 1 bath, there are four of us. It's tough. My kids share the "master" bedroom (can't really call it that) And me and hubby have a tiny 10 x 10 box room. With a queen sized bed in it there is just enough room for a chest of drawers.

But my kids are super happy, they don't care how small their room is, they truly don't spend any time in their bedrooms, and nor do we. Most of our time is spent together eating in the kitchen, or in the living room. How big is the living room? and the kitchen? Those are the rooms I would be looking at.

Maybe I am a snob but I have been told splits are the red headed stepchildren of the housing market. Perhaps your husband was raised the same way. They have no basement, talk about cramped.

Our bedrooms are bigger but 11 x 9 is pretty normal for a child's bedroom and not cramped at all. Well I suppose if you are one of those parents that feels kids need huge beds you may have issues but a twin fits fine in those dimensions.

I agree with others. It's time to continue to look. If you can't agree on either house then neither house is the one for you.

Look some more unless you want to get an architect involved in figuring out how the house he loves can be reconfigured to be the house you also will love.

If each of you can't convince the other, you will have to find a third house that suits you both. Me, I would go for the more aesthetically pleasing house. But, husband would have to agree.

Good luck. Maybe you can use your powers of persuasion.

I don't mind that my kids rooms are small, and neither do they, but there is enough closet space for each so that helps (one dresser fits in the closet of the smallest room, and the other room as a small walk in closet).

My husband and I recently looked at houses. We found that he was more concerned with outside stuff (garage, parking, level ground, ect) while I was more concerned about inside stuff (room size, closet space, ect). The problem we had was finding a place we felt was big enough to raise our family in but not so big that it would feel like too much once we have an empty nest. We actually decided a smaller home fit our needs better in the long run.

I can understand your husbands aversion to a split level, I don't like them either, but would have settled if everything else was just right. At this point I think you guys have to keep looking. Clearly the one he likes is not the best fit for your family since the rooms and closets are small (and I would not want the laundry in my bedroom either, the master bedroom should be a place for relaxing, not work), so if the one you like is a no go for him then you two will have to keep looking until you find the one that feels right for both of you.

Best of luck.

J.,

You've kind of answered your own question.

You're the one who is going to spend the most time in the house, especially while the children are young. Do you really want to be in a space for so many hours a day when the space doesn't work for you? Seems like you might end up resenting that beautiful house over time.

Considering that we moms spend so much time doing laundry (and just wait until they're teens!), do you really want to do laundry for the whole family in a laundry "room" crammed in a small closet with no utility sink? Think IL weather and all of the muddy, wet shoes and snow and slush covered boots....where will you clean this stuff? In the laundry closet?

As for the tiny bedrooms, they may work for now, but your kids are going to do nothing but grow. Can you see them and their things in those rooms as older children, as teens? Will it be a space where they'll want to be? Will there be room for them to have friends over?

Buying a house because it is beautiful while ignoring the impracticalities and limitations it presents for a growing family doesn't sound like a wise investment. And that's how you and your husband need to look at this--- as an investment----both in financial terms and with respect for the comfort of your family.

Hope you can make him see the light. It would be sad for you to resent the space you inhabit.

Good luck!

J. F.

Tell your husband not to be fooled by the aesthetics of the house.

I agree with you, a small bedroom will always be small and the loft bed idea sounds like a huge pain. Your kids may think a loft is cool now but once they are teenagers, I am betting they won't like climbing up either. (Too kid like). No matter how much storage you have you can always use more so starting off with really small closets...well not a good choice.

I would go back and look at the house. This will give you a chance to point out all the flaws. You can also ask him to give your choice of houses a second look.

Good luck!!

I just happened to see an ugly split level that was redone to become such a pretty craftsman style on Houzz.com. Maybe you can find it and redoing the exterior at some point would be an option and get your husband on board. Otherwise, as the woman of the house, I think you have to be quite happy with your new house if it's a long term one or you'll be forever discontent. I know our house is way more impt to me than my husband... So in that case I'd keep looking.

Loft beds are dangerous and I would say that had to come down before moving in. My friends son fell off his bunk bed and died. I can guarantee you my kids will never have the opportunity to sleep on one. He wasn't goofing off or anything, he just misplaced his hand and slipped.

I'd have a contractor meet us at the next walk through. I'd tell him beforehand I don't want this house buy hubby loves it. I want you to give me top dollar amounts so that hubby will start to add up just how expensive it will be to make this house livable. I'd pay him for his time too.

Then as you guys start to walk through start making a list of everything that would have to be changed before you could live in this house. Including finding room to make those closets they're calling bedrooms into actual bedrooms. Our kids rooms are 12'X12' and that's as small as we'll ever have. It's just enough room for their beds and furniture and some play space.

Make this house so expensive with the cost of the remodel that hubby will figure out he's not going to be able to afford it.