Difficult 4 Yr Old!

Has he always been difficult or is this new? I know that 4 yrs is the developemental time for kids to use threats and ultimatums. I found the best thing to do was to listen for the message behind the words and then rephrase. (better for the kid to rephrase, but if he's resisting, hearing you DOES sink in.)

Maybe at 4 he needs more "control". I put that in quotes because he needs a lot of guidance, but perhaps he *thinks* he's ready for more autonomy. Be sure your son knows the reason behind what you're enforcing. Give him choices within your boundary.

Another thing that really helps many families is that you can give your rules and limits in a kind voice instead of the standard "threat tone". It doesn't take away anything. You are still enforcing or preventing. What it adds is that your words sound helpful. Human nature responds to "you must" with "I won't". Learning how to avoid this keeps that push-back trigger from kicking in. -- to add to the tone, you can even touch him in a way to remind him that regardless of this incident, you still love him. I've done this for years and it does NOT send the message that what he's doing is okay. It DOES help to re-ground him and calms them down -- which is where you'd rather have him be anyway.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't threaten with throwing away bikes and such. I'd just say something like "I can't keep you safe when you ride away on your bike. I'm going to put the bike away for awhile and we'll try again later. I love you very much and want you to stay safe. The bike is putting you in danger when you ride it away from home,so we're going to get that out of here." -- you still are removing the problem but now instead of the "you can't have" vs. "I want" it's now you watching out for him, which is what you're doing in the first place anyway.

Faber has several really great books that are easy to read and packed full of practical tips. "How to Talk so Kids will Listen" really helps lots of parents put the same rules into language that is more receptive. Another good author that is funny is Anthony E. Wolf. (You can find them at the library.)

Since threats aren't his enforcement and you'd probably have to escalate the severity of them over and over for it to have any effect on him, I suggest not using that tool and trying something else. Both of those authors will give you lots of new ideas.

Best of luck and congratulations on the new arrival!

update: When you talk to him, focus more on WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO and WHY and much less on why he's getting punished. In other words, focus on what you want to happen. Focusing on the punishment part brings attention to what you DON'T want to be happening.

also, if this has been a long term thing, a great book for helping you understand, teach and yes even appreciate his temperament is "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Kurcinka. The stubborn ones are a special challenge and this book (or audiobook) is fantastic. Determination will help him achieve his goals in adulthood. In childhood it can very well get him thrown out of a window. LOL

Take this advice. GO tomorrow and pick up the book, "Parenting with Love & Logic." You are dealing with a problem that needs to be addressed. I can understand why you are frustrated and at your wits end. This book has helped us a great deal.

Is it possible that he just doesn't really believe the toys are leaving? Since you wait until the bag is full maybe he is convincing himself you will change your mind????

Parenting With Love and Logic is a very helpful book. You can read about their way of thinking on the Internet. Just google Love and Logic. I also suggest that you read How to Talk So Children Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk.

I suggest that your son has to feel an immediate consequence and the closer the consequence correlates with what he's done or not done, the easier it is for him to understand. I also suggest that because he's been doing this for a long time that you need even more to have immediate consequences that are not so serious.

For example, perhaps a more workable consequence for not returning when his father called to him was to put his bike away and bring him into the house. "Ground him from using the bike for a week." Tell him, when it's OK for him to use his bike again, that as long as he follows your directions while he's on the bike he will be able to continue riding his bike. If he rides away, then repeat the consequence. Do this over and over until he gets it. We don't have to increase the seriousness of the consequence. We just have to be patient and consistent.

Take away a toy only when the misbehavior involves a toy. Give the toy a time out which means that he will get it back. Tell him how he can geat it back. Leave the toy where he can see it so that seeing it will remind him. Children need encouragement towards good behavior even more than consequences for bad behavior.

Praise him many times more each day than you discipline him. Tell him often that you love him, that you're proud of him, that you're glad he's your son. Do fun things with him. Cuddle with him on the couch while you watch a kid's TV program with him. You're so frustrated now that this may be difficult to do. So "fake it until you make it."

Never argue with him. Send him to his room while telling him he's not pleasant company right now when he's arguing. Tell him he can come back out when he's able to be pleasant. If he refuses, gently take his hand or shoulder and guide him there. It will take time for him to accept that you will always do this.

Have a conversation with him while everything is calm and explain this new way of discipline. My daughter was given this technique by a counselor and it works with her children who are now 7 and 10. They were 4 and 7 or somewhere around that age when she started. This was the main consequence for everything based on the premise that they're not good company and so must go to their room until they can obey. She requires that they say they are sorry and she has them go back to their room until they're able to say it in a meaningful way. If they come out and say sorry in a sarcastic voice, she calmly talks with them about why they were sent to their room and what she expects them to feel sorry about. When they apologize, she hugs them, and life starts over. What was done is in the past.

This was difficult to enforce at the beginning but eventually they understood that their mother would always follow thru. Consistent, unemotional follow thru is the key to success. I find this method easier to work with because I've always had difficulty being consistent. This method is simple to remember and to follow thru with.

I suggest that throwing his bike away is too big of a consequence for him to understand. And I suspect that his father was quite angry when he did it. Your son may be protecting himself from the anger by showing that he doesn't care. That doesn't mean that he doesn't care. He may have learned to adopt that attitude.

And he may not have returned because he wants to "run away." At 4 he doesn't know how to do it, yet. If he's not happy at home, he will act out. I suggest that you have the potential to turn him around if you can find ways to be happy with him.

For children to learn from consequences, they have to be fairly given, in a calm and if possible caring tone of voice. Anger often causes children to withdraw and I'm suggesting that may be what your son has done.

I suspect that he's angry about the soon to arrive sibling and has no way to express his anger except thru misbehavior. Are you able to spend quiet time with him, doing something together, and starting a conversation about his feelings while sharing your own feelings of frustration over his behavior? The book entitled Talk So Your Child Will Listen shows how to do this.

Focus on what is good about your son. Plan a simple meaningful way of providing consistent consequences commensurate with the seriousness of his behavior or adopt a simple one such as sending him to his room so that he can calm down and be better behaved. For some events, find a way for him to "save face" and return to being your good boy.

Last of all, pick your battles. You're right, 4 yos do act out. Not every offense needs a consequence other than stopping the behavior and showing him the correct way to behave. Discipline means to teach and often teaching him is better than providing a consequence. Be patient and compassionate. Expecting better behavior will make it easier for him to be better behaved.

Have you talked to your Pediatrician???? Or get him assessed....

And you have a baby on the way... you need to, address that in conjunction with him... if your pregnancy is causing issues in him. Which it can in some eldest children....

If he has always been this way... and as you said it is getting progressively worse... then, maybe he simply 'cannot' understand.... consequences and in conjunction with himself. So, maybe emotionally and cognitively... it is not meshing. Him not understanding...

If he does not understand "consequences" sincerely... then all the punishments in the world, will.not.work. Even if you do throw away his toys.
As you said, he does not understand 'associations' and he has NO reaction to it. So if you keep expecting it, it won't work and will cause further frustration.... for both you and him.
... your comment that he does not understand associations and has "no reaction" to anything/consequences... could be an indication of something else.... how is his overall development? His emotions? his communication? His understanding of other things and concepts?

I would, talk to your Pediatrician....

Also, have you just tried and talked WITH him? Just talking... not lecturing or judging or scolding or telling him what to feel. Just letting HIM talk about himself, about his feelings, about any problems he has, about anything that is not making him 'happy' ???? At this age, he should be able to express himself, or at least be taught that he can..... and that someone 'hears' him... and relates to him.... and that he KNOWS that he 'can' talk to his parents.... anytime, for any feeling... and that he will be helped... not just scolded.
Kids, of all ages, need to "vent" sometimes, for good or bad. Or they can sometimes act out, negatively and get 'attention' that way.

Next, does he actually know what the word "consequences" means??? Maybe he just doesn't understand that vocabulary word....
Example: I have an almost 4 year old boy.... and I use "adult" vocabulary with him... and I will check with him IF he knows what a word means, that I say. Because if not, I will 'assume' he knows. But sometimes he will tell me.... "no, what does that mean???"
He is only 4.
Also, I taught my boy to express himself, no matter what, with his words. He will tell me how he feels... then "we" can help him.... good feelings, or grumpy feelings or frustrated feelings. I teach him WE are a "team" about it.... that makes him happy... it helps.

all the best,
Susan

Wow! question how did he behave when you were pregnant with your 2nd. baby. Did it start then? Some changes can be contribute with how he really feels about his important in the family. Do you follow through with punishments? Sometimes when your not been consistent kids will take advantage of that. If you think he doesn't know about the bike your wrong, he knows. Putting his toys in a bag doesn’t do any thing to him, he know they are still there. My sis’s son was like that when he was younger is over now but then I would see her yell at him a lot, go back and forth with him about way his in trouble, and not following through with punishments, so he continue to not care when he got in trouble. Never argue with your child (Kids always have the why question) he thinks his having a debate with you that he could win. Just let him know his in trouble and his punishment once. Do not answer additional question or react to his tantrums. Do warn him that if he continues yelling or any action he is doing he will get in bigger trouble…ALWAYS FALLOW THROUGH WITH PUNCHSMENTS. It is very tiring at the beginning but once he gets the idea that your not playing the usual games with him he will eventually stop. Hope things get better