Did You Know for Sure? and If You Didn't, Are You Still Married? and Happy?

What I "know" is that my life is better with my husband in it and I love him very much. Did I "know" he was the one? Nope. I made the decision to marry him and I make the decision every day to love him and be committed to my marriage and make it work.
We dated 7 years and will be married for 10 in July.

I'm also in the camp of not believing there is just one. Don't get me wrong; I've been very happily married to my husband for 18 years, but what if we hadn't married? I think I probably would have been happy if I had married my high school sweetheart, but the timing wasn't right - for either of us. Now, I can't imagine being married to anyone except my husband; I wouldn't want to be married to anyone else. This world is a big place. I find it hard to believe that there is only one person meant for each of us.

Nope, I never even thought about "The One". I knew that my husband and I were compatible and that I loved him. That's all I needed to know.

We will celebrate out ninth anniversary this July.

I think love is a decision and not a feeling. There was a time when I thought "What on earth was I thinking!" I know he is the only one I choose to be with and I love him more each day. I want the very best for him and he wants the very best for me and I can't ever imagine being with anyone else. I believe he was made for me and I for him but I'm sure that didn't cross my mind when we were married. We have been married for over 17 years and we dated for 5 years. I know there are times when I'm not all that lovable and the same goes for him, but we love each other and plan on growing old together.

I think our faith has been the glue in our marriage. We both put God in the drivers seat and trust him. We have been through some very tough times. We have had 6 kids and buried two of them. He has been strong for me when I'm weak and I hope I have helped him when he has needed it. He is a part of me and I can't fathom ever wanting anyone else in my life.

Wow. I am kind of surprised at all the answers. I guess I am the "odd one out." I am not even sure I believe there is a "one." Did I know my husband was "it"? Obviously not because we were just friends for the first 2 years we knew each other and I was dating who I thought was "the one" (see one of my previous posts) and when that didn't work out, I gave up and decided that the passion would have died out so I would be better off to marry my best friend because friendship can last forever. We have been married almost 7 years and we are still best friends and because of that I believe our marriage will last.

ETA: 3Girls - Wow. I could have written your post. Similar to my situation.

There is no "one." There are lots of "ones." There are lots of people out there that are right for you, it's about making the decision that this one you happen to be with is "the one."

Yes, I am married to that person. I decided when I met him that he was it. He lived in London and I in Chicago when we met. We traveled back and forth a few times and then just went to the courthouse. We will be married 11 years next month.

Now, if we didn't have to just get married (distance, green card, etc.) we are both sure we wouldn't have gotten married. We would have let fear win. Fear breeds doubts, and to end up with the one, you have to silence those doubts and take a leap of faith.

i don't think theres J. "one" meant for us. I believe there are a select few people we can connect with like that and they have to be in that same place in their life at the same time you are (as in you both are ready to meet the one at the same time) I have a good amount of guy friends and they all pretty much say any of their pasty girlfriends that they loved could have been "the one" but they didn't want that then, and when they met their current wife who they love more than anything, they wanted that.
If you found out your husband cheated and wasn;t in love and didn't want you anymore, you would eventually move on and fall in love again and you wouldn't be able to picture yourself with anyone ellse. I think it's a choice to love someone and put them first and choose to want to spend the rest of your life with them. I also think the more time you spend with someoe the more you love them and cant imagine being without them (same for kids----I love my daughter more than anything, and cant imagine loving a kid like her, but if something happened to my brother and I was going to raise his daughter I can tell you I;d defnitely feel the same about her in time) I think you normally only choose that with someone you consider a best friend and you could see yourself growing old with, because looks and and passion definitely change a lot as you age. I believe there is a passion and an "in love" kind of feeling that makes you feel that someone is the one and that you cant live without them, but if they decided to change everything and you had no choice I'm sure you'd find another "the one"
I felt my ex was the one when I first saw him, although by the time we got married when I was 21 I doubted things a little. I think the more time you wait the easier it is to let life and fear get n the way of love. I was with him from 14 to 26, we shared everthing in common and were best friends however issues that weren't dealt with from his past festered and he hid them and he decided to cheat for all of those years instead of trusting someone.
I feel my current bf could very well be the one, it would be silly of M. to live with him if I didn't feel that way, but life and circumstances change things often.

For me this is hard to answer. I was with a guy that I thought was "the one" I was meant to be with, but he did not share the same feelings. We dated for 19 months and then he ended it just because "he did not love me anymore." Needless to say I was heart broken. After that it took a lot to get me to trust someone again. My husband and I dated for a year and a half before getting married but I never got that strong feeling that he was "the one". We are still married and going on 7 years, but I have struggled with feeling like I just settled. That is the worse feeling in the world because I know my husband loves me so very much and he deserves mor than that. We are happy as a couple as well, but I struggle with depression which makes it hard for me to feel happy. Counseling is in my near future!

Well, my question is, what does one "know"? I mean, do you know you love them, know you want to marry them, know you want to spend the rest of your waking days together? All very different things. There are people that "knew" when they were young, but are divorced now, just as there are couples that took the chance, got married, and are in a very happy marriage.

I like to think that some people "know" they want to marry someone from the start..it's very romantic. But I don't believe everyone can have that. I believe that many times, depending on age/circumstances, that someone feels more decisive about their relationship because that is what is right for them at that time in their lives. For people like your friends in their 30's, they might not feel the same confidence because they know themselves better than a teenager going through the same thing. I'm not saying one kind of relationship is better than the other, but 30somethings generally have established a lot more about themselves and what they want than a younger person.

I do think, too, that the more "hype" there is about finding "the one," the more pressure that one can put on themselves, more questioning and wondering about if the other person is the absolute match; and less taking advantage of the love and beauty that is right in front of them.

With my current husband we both knew immediately. I mean, on our first date, when I first met him, we greeted and hugged each other upon saying hello, and we just knew. I still feel the same way about him and we just had our 8th anniversary on new years day. With my first husband, I don't even know why I married him. It was an unusual sequence of events that brought us together, and I felt like I should marry him, but I never loved him. He's a complete psychopath now. The only thing I can think of with him is somehow we were steered together to have our sons and nothing more. My sons are awesome and I would never change a thing about them, but I wouldn't have them if I had met and married the love of my life when I was younger. Weird how it all turns out.

Yes I married the "one" for me and I love him more today than I did 48 years ago, I wouldn't trade him for anyone. we met in my senior high school year and married when I was 18. Will be married 47 years. God has someone for you, you just have to receive them when He brings them into your life. I think a lot of guy and gals miss out because they didn't recognize this was the one.

I didn't have doubts about him, but I had fears about making a lifelong commitment. Marriage is a big deal to me and still is. I felt he was "the one" and I had never felt that before. With each passing year I see more and more evidence of my husband being "the one" for me. Since we've been married I've had doubts, but not because of anything he did, but because of where I WASN'T. I've been through some difficult things and he's supported me. Not only is he a great husband, but he is also a wonderful son, loving brother, loyal friend and an excellent dad.

I have greatly matured and I've grown emotionally and spiritual with him as my partner. I don't believe I would have the peace, clarity of mind, strength, courage and love of myself that I have now if I were with someone else.

I can only speak for myself, but I knew it right away. We were engaged 4 1/2 months after meeting, and married 8 months after that. We've been married 6 years now, and I've never had a second of doubt. Yes, I am happy. I am actually happier now, then I was in the beginning. (And, I was happy then!)

I don't think compromising is a bad thing, in a lot of cases. Many people have this idea of who they want, but who is really great for them...can actually be the opposite. Compromising a dream for reality, is not bad.

I think a lot of it has to do with timing and compatability. I met my husband just before he went into the service and we corresponded for almost two years. I went out and dated others as well. He asked me in a letter if I would marry him. I didn't give a respone right away as he was out of country.

When he returned home we spent time together and I kind of knew. I always said if I hadn't have married him I was going to move out of the house and be on my own in the next year. We are still together 40 years later and have had the trial of a lifetime for the worse and health for the 4 years. Yes, we have done some things backwards but we are still together.

My son was wanting to marry but at one point he was not ready and not a good catch. He changed that by getting into a good vocation and buying his own house (served in the Army for four years). There were women but he wasn't interested. One day he decidedwhen he was 35 he wanted to marry and he found a lovely woman whom he asked and they are together now three years this June.

Daughter is still single at 35. It is not because she hasn't tried. The men she has seen have not been up to snuff and some of them that were had too many other hangups (mentally and finacially - kids). So we shall see if her new person is the one. She is an independent self-sufficient woman that can take care of herself and that maybe a turn off to some men and maybe a turn on to others. We shall see.

Both children grew up as kids with day in the military so they have been places and seen things and done things that some kids wish they could have done. It could be the exposure to such has made it more difficult to really find the "right" person.

Thanks for the question.

The other S.

I think I'm one of the "friends in their 30s" that HM references above. A few months ago I broke up with the man I thought I would marry, and it's still hard for me to process.

I've gotten - and asked for - a lot of advice on what I was doing so wrong to end up where I'm at in my dating life. The advice, like the answers to this question, has been quite varied.

So, I stopped listening to all the advice - and I started listening to myself. I've always known what I wanted, I know my deal breakers - and though my ideal man may not be what everyone envisions for me, I've never asked anyone for advice on my career path - so why be insecure about my dating path?

We're all different breeds - we may all take different paths to happiness, but it's delightful to see all the different ways to get there!

My first marriage was influenced by my mothers reaction to hubby taking care of me while I was sick. Her positive words influenced me. I was older (28!) and thought I knew it all-but I put too much stock in my mom's words. Five years later he was having an affair and we divorced. I dated for another 6-7 years. When I met my current husband I just knew. It was so easy compared to all my other relationships. There were signs (to me) that this relationship was meant to be. Too many coincidences. Plus, the benefit of knowledge (I was 39!) made me realize that this was different. I think if I had met my husband 12 months earlier...it wouldn't have worked. I needed that time to realize what a gem he was. We've been married almost 12 years. He is still the one. I thank God every day for bringing him into my life.

Some people will never know, who "the one" is even if they are staring them in the face.
I have a friend like that. She broke up with many guys... because she can never find "the one." How sad.
Meanwhile, she is bummed because she cannot find a man.
But she is one that will never be satisfied. Enough.

Then there are people who find "the one" and it is mutual. And many years later, they are still happy.

Then there are people who find "the one" and it is mutual... but then as time goes by, they do not get along or have problems or just have grown in different ways and then maybe they even get divorced.

I have had 2 "the ones."
One I walked away from. And the other, I married.
Am still married for the past 15 years.
Is it perfect? No.
We have problems like anyone else. He is also of a different culture.
And we are so not perfect.
And well, lets just say... we will see.
But yes, when we met and when we got married, it was all about chemistry and just "knowing" we were "the one's" for each other etc.

Nothing is perfect, when it comes to relationships.

And- just because someone may think they found "the one"... it does not mean, that this person is a knight in shining armor or that this person is perfect. Sometimes, "the one" can just be a toxic messed up jerk, too.
Because you see.... for some, "the one" is only about being in the moment, not about solidity.
And, many people, after having found "the one"... they break up... because the "honeymoon" feelings, are over, once reality sets in.

Yes I felt sure about marrying my husband. Yes I am still very happy with him now (7.5 yrs of marriage so far). I love him, quirks and all, and I am really happy with what we've got going! I knew within the first year he was someone I could spend my life with. And really, he's the only one I ever really settled down for.

Did I think he was "THE one", no. I believe here are a great many people out there who are suited toward me, whom I could love and get along with and make a family with. It's a HUGE world, why would there only be one person out there who is perfect match? He's definitely one of the ones though! I'm I am very happy with "the one" I have!

I have exactly this conversation with my friends and family all the time lol. Mostly, because I have been on both sides. My first husband I met in middle school nd married right after high school, but I remember by the time our wedding came along I was second guessing our relationship. I guess I never really thought I would marry him but I was young. However, my 2nd husband I knew pretty early on and never questioned it so I am a firm believer in "you just know".

i didn't know from the first moment, although i thought he was nice, and awfully good-looking. :) we were friends for a few months before we began dating, and it didn't take long before we BOTH knew. 25 years and going strong!
but i had enjoyed a large whitman's sampler beforehand so knew exactly what kind of sweetie is for me.
;) khairete
S.

Well in my experience I did know. Like I knew immediately that if he came after me seriously, we would end up married. Now I didn't know what he would do of course bc you never know the intentions of another person, but I knew that if we started the ride, we would be it for each other. Don't know how I knew, I just knew. He was different, he loved me and wanted to be with me but didn't know how to know for absolute sure. So he made a decision. He loved me, I was everything he wanted and he decided to pursue me and to be my husband. He often says that when he met me he had already decided he was ready to be a husband. Not find a wife, but be a husband, which is different. He is a man of action and a strong leader, he doesn't move on anything unless he decides on it so marriage was no different. I never once felt like I had to catch him or do things the right way or whatever bc he was pursuing me bc he loved me and had set in his heart he wanted to be my man :) So I think, in my limited experience, that it is just different for men than women. My husband always tells me it is a mans nature to always want the next awesome thing, to conqueror at a higher level in all areas of their lives. That is why when it comes to me he is set bc I am who he chose and decided on and we both take marriage as a totally life long commitment no matter what. But I get the no settling thing bc I had so many people tell me before I was married that my standards were too high and blah blah blah. They were my standards, if I died alone, I was OK with that bc I didn't want to settle. So where it comes to your girlfriends, I think the advice that they will 'just know' is a little more warranted. For the guys, they may be having a different experience entirely and need advice from another guy. So hope that helps!

I didn't know my husband was the one right away, but my life was forever changed the night we met. I knew about 6 weeks into our relationship that he was the one I wanted to marry. Three years later, I had some very brief doubts on our wedding day, but so far it's been great! We've had a lot of ups and downs in the last 9 years. But we've both found happiness and love with ourselves and each other. I don't think it works the same way for everyone. I do believe you have to find happiness with yourself before you can find happiness with someone else. You can't depend on a spouse or significant other to make you happy because it won't work. I think a lot of people are unhappy and they expect someone to make them happy. It doesn't work. If you want to find true and lasting love, you have to love yourself first.

I knew he was the one and we've been married almost 8 years. My husband would also say that he knew I was the one if that helps your poll at all. We had been dating for only a couple of weeks and he told a mutual friend of ours that he thought I was the one and thought it would be nice if he proposed on Christmas Eve of our senior year (we were college sophomores at the time) and then got married that summer. The friend remembers this conversation, but my husband does not (he remembers thinking those things, but not telling her). However, he proposed and we got married just like he'd planned. Sometimes you just know it's right :)

I also met my now-husband when I was 17. We got married when I was 23 and will be celebrating our 10 year weding anniversay in January. I knew he was the one after a few months of dating. The funny thing is (and he hates when I tell this story), the first night we met (at a mutual friend's party), after talking for about 15 minutes he told me he was going to marry me one day. :) Fifteen years and 3 kids later, I still love that man to pieces and am extremely happy with him, our family and our life together.

I knew my boyfriend was "the one" after a month. We were married 9 months after we met. We started dating two days after we met.

I have this talk with my cousin all the time. I don't know how to expain how you just know they are "the one"... but you do.

We will be celebrating our 6 year anniv this year and we are still in love with each other... if not more so than when we got married.

With my first husband I loved him but I never knew if the was the one... turns out he wasn't...

i "knew". we "felt" married (as in, commited) very early, after just a few weeks. we both "knew".

we are still together 10 years later.

i won't say he is mr. perfect. but he is mr. perfect for me. we have had a LOT of drama and hard times. but we worked through it. because i KNOW that no one, and no relationship is perfect. if i had left him there's no guarantee i'd find someone "better". then what, we'd have problems and i'd walk away from that too? no thanks. i preferred to fix the marriage i had. and thank the lord he felt the same way. so here we are. still each other's "ones" :)

(...happier than ever!)

I knew right away. We met when we were 19. It was the 4th of July. On August 4th, exactally 1 month later, he asked me to marry him. We just had our 10 year anniversary last month. It's not always easy, we have had some pretty rough times, but he is my best friend and I can't imagine my life with out him.

I knew I loved him. Head over heals.

I had some BIG reservations about 'settlin' down together' - it would be insane to have not had/have reservations.

We're married, and we are becoming happier, closer, AND more stable. Which brings me a lot of joy!

Well I will say on our first date, I didn't know. But I did know when he called me on his drive home AFTER our first date and said "I just couldn't wait till tomorrow to hear your voice again." After that, I knew. This September will be our 5th wedding anniversary.
We met, got married in 6 months, and 2 months after that conceived our darling son. We wasted no time, LOL.

OH, yes, I knew my husband was 'the one' pretty much right away. But I had also tried a lot of different men on for size by the time I met my hubby at 24. I had a long-term boyfriend from 18-22, then dated a lot from 22-24. My husband and I dated for almost four years, then married. We've been together for 15 years and I know we'll spend the rest of our lives together because beyond being husband and wife, we're best friends.

During those two years that I was dating, however, I was really starting to get depressed that I just wasn't finding a man that I could see myself with for the rest of my life. To tell you the truth, I had kind of resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't going to find someone in the near future. I think when I hit that point and stopped "looking" ... well, that's when my husband came into my life. Funny how that happens.

Now, I've asked my husband upon occasion if he knew that I was 'the one' when he met me. He says yes, he knew. I am not completely convinced that this is a male thing, however. And based on so many stories on this site of men almost having to be bopped over the head and told "She's a keeper!!" when their girlfriend is about to walk out the door for lack of commitment on the male's part, I'm inclined to think that most or many men just don't have this instinct, if you will. Or is it just plain good sense? Hmmm.... ;)

Ya know I always thought it was nonsense. I fell in love with my first husband but it was never anything cosmic.

Now Troy on the other hand knew the other was the one on the first date. Granted we have only been married eight months but we have been together going on three years. I still feel the same way I did the first date. :)

I really do think when you meet the one you know it. Sometimes people compromise which isn't bad but there is the one.

Yep. I just "knew". I never cried in front of any man before him. And I didn't cry in front of him until we had been together for a year. I suspected well before then... but after we got through that (big fight--our first--where ALLLLLL the insecurities rear their ugly heads)... I KNEW he was it.

We just celebrated our 15th anniversary in December. There was never another guy that even came close to giving me that "he's the one" feeling. That's not saying there weren't one or two, okay... one, in particular that really was tough on me emotionally when I had to walk away. (still think about him sometimes, ya know--not that I'd EVER change anything--because that would maybe mean that I wouldn't be married to my husband)... but he had a certain way of really getting me upset (not being mean--just really-- well, I'm sure everybody has one of those, right?).
But I never thought "oh he might be 'the ONE' ". Nope. Never thought it.

With my husband... I was wondering if he could be "the one" after about 2 months.

ETA: oh.. and there were NO questions or cold feet or anything when it was time to walk down the aisle. I couldn't WAIT. No misgivings or wondering if I was doing the right thing or making a mistake. At that point, I could not imagine my life without him---and I still can't. And don't want to.

Both my husband and I knew we were "the one" for each other after about two weeks of dating. Like you said, its not something you can explain other than to say that you just know. We were engaged 9 mos after we met and married 10 mos after we were engaged. We just celebrated our 7th anniversary and I am pregnant with our 4th child together. We have had many, many ups and even more downs, but I still love him deeply and know that he was the one I was supposed to marry.

I was with my husband 6 years and had a child before we got married. But I knew he was the man I would spend my life with when he left his mothers wedding and flew home to be with me when I lost my dad. He drove back and forth from AZ to CA to support me in making arrangements as well. And this April we will be together 8 years and married 2

I knew he was the one before our second date. We are married 8 years (happily). I was however going through a doubting phase when he asked me to marry him after 6 months. I said yes with a lot of trepidation. But it was not a mistake. I love him more now and respect him more now than I did when we were dating. I think even if you marry the right one, its only normal to go through doubting phases.