I think you did the right thing. I'll bet he learns a lesson and never does that again--and isn't that what you want?
My 5 y/o son yesterday threw a tantrum like you wouldn’t believe. It was time to come inside from playing outside with his best buddy. We're neighbors. We had given the boys 20 minutes. My son has always been good about coming inside when I tell him times up. However my neighbor’s son is notorious for not listening and yelling at his Mom “NO!” He will even hit her if she tries to take him by the hand to go inside. My son yesterday was acting just like him except he never hit me. When the alarm went off and we said times up my neighbor’s son took off running down the street yelling "Shut up!" at his Mom. My son followed. First time he’s done this. When I caught up to him he yelled “NO!” about coming inside as my neighbor’s son is still running away from his Mom, AS USUAL.
I looked at him square in the eye and said Inside NOW! My DS said, but his friend wasn’t going inside, as he started crying and screaming, literally!!
I had to basically drag him inside after arguing for about 2 minutes. My neighbor and her son were just rounding the corner of the street we live on as I’m carrying my son inside. He proceeded to yell “See! He’s still outside playing!!! Put me down!”
I took him inside and yelled at him that his behavior was unacceptable and that he was grounded from playing with his friend the rest of the week!!!! I was SO MAD! I couldn’t even talk to him anymore.
This morning I feel terrible, absolutely terrible! His behavior was unlike him. He never is influenced by his friend's behavior until now. My Son is usually telling me that his friend behaves badly and should get a time out. I can’t help but feel that this episode is all my fault. Where did I go wrong??? I mean, I had to carry my son kicking and screaming inside the house??? What kind of mother am I??? I told my husband I felt like I had a 2 y/o in the house yesterday feeling totally defeated that I wanted to cry.
Please tell me what I did wrong!
I think you did the right thing. I'll bet he learns a lesson and never does that again--and isn't that what you want?
You did the RIGHT thing - the HARD thing! Good for you! 5 year olds can be like 2 year olds sometimes, so can 10, 15, 20, you get my point :). He had a day where he wanted to be his own boss and did not want to follow the rules. You have to set them for him, which you did. Even if this behavior is unlike him, you did right to nip it right away, or he could do it again. It didn't work and he got consequenses, you did EXACTLY right. I know it is hard, it's always hard...but you didn't cross the line and you did what he needed. GO MOM!!!!!
You did nothing wrong! Yes, it's better to not get so angry and better to not yell but you're human, after all. And being grounded from playing with him for a week is a reasonable and logical consequence for acting like his friend.
I send you a hug and a pat on the back.
In similar situations, I've apologized to my daughter and grandchildren for losing my temper but still enforced the consequence while discussing what the child did wrong.
You did nothing wrong (except maybe the losing your cool and yelling part, but we're all human, we've all been there). Your son acted like a 2yr old and you treated him like a 2yr old. He's starting to test you to see how far he can push. They do that at this age. The only mistake you can make now is giving in and letting him play today or for the rest of the week. Stick to your guns and hopefully, your son will learn that he can't behave like that.
Definitely revisit the day with your son, and by all means if you feel bad about how you reacted then say that. some of my best moments with my kids have come after I said "although I was really unhappy with your behavior, I raised my voice and that was very unfair. I'm sorry for that and I will do better next time." I think it helps them feel a little safer, and it's an excellent model for them how to own up to bad behavior, and then you can discuss how YOU manage such feelings, so that he can be better prepared next time. Because of course you can be disappointed that you have to stop playing, and think it's unfair if another kid gets to stay out, but you don't get to act like a jerk! I imagine he was just trying it out, seeing how the other kid rules the roost he thought it would see what happens.
I don't think you did anything wrong. You couldn't let your son think that acting like the other boy was OK, or you would have an ongoing problem on your hands.
It is also OK to have a talk with your son now, after things are calmed down, about his behavior, why it's not OK, your behavior, and that you are sorry for it, but it was necessary at the time. I have occasionally apologized to my daughter, now 8, if I thought I overreacted. Apologizing doesn't make his actions alright, but lets your son know that you are taking responsibility for your actions, also.
Please, oh please, stop acting like this is your fault. It isn't, it isn't, it isn't! Your son had a full-blown temper tantrum. Yes, he is watching the neighbor boy's behavior and taking a page from his book. And you SHOULD ground him from playing with the boy.
If you allow him to act like this, you will rue the day you gave in to this.
Sometimes we just cannot put our children in circumstances that trigger these behaviors. Sometimes that means not taking them shopping when they are tired or hungry. Sometimes it means not letting them stay up past their bedtime. It can make our lives hard, Mom, because we don't always get to do what we want or need to do. One of my kids had meltdowns that caused me to have to leave the store,carry him out to the car kicking and screaming, strap him in his carseat, and wait it out. Then I'd drive him home. I learned that if we went to the park, and he started this, it meant taking him home. And HE finally learned that if he didn't calm himself down, he'd lose his privileges.
If you don't make him come in the house, what do you think you're going to do? Leave him out there, a 5 year old defying you, two little screaming and kicking kids telling their mothers what they're NOT going to?
Being a parent is hard. Sometimes hard means being tough even though it hurts. You ask what kind of mother does that. The question is, what kind of mother doesn't? You cannot let him rule the household. You just cannot. Please buck yourself up and remember that you have to teach him the right way to act.
All mt best,
I don't think you did anything wrong. It FELT very, very wrong because of the way it turned out, which was a new "adventure" that you've never faced before. You're still in shock and confusion, and second-guessing yourself. That's okay – probably better than okay – because parents who never review what's working and what's not probably end up with a less satisfactory experience of child-rearing. So I hope you can cut yourself a little slack when all that emotion settles down.
People who pay a great deal of attention to such things tell us that ALL BEHAVIOR can be seen as a strategy to get some need met. Needs are always authentic (which does not mean they can't be prioritized against other needs and deferred to another time). If you look at any specific behavior, in a child or an adult, you can find that it's an attempt to get some need met.
With a child, or with a poorly-socialized adult, or with almost anyone having a bad day, the behaviors are often very poor strategies. Your son was trying out a new strategy, and it did not go well, for him or for you. You didn't let him get away with it. He probably won't try that particular strategy again, or at least not more than a few more times, UNLESS it works. So you did the right thing – made sure, as gently as possible, that it didn't work.
I recommend strongly the practical and brilliant book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. The book is abundant with real-life examples of how parents helped set the conditions for the child to address the problem himself. And though we don't usually think about young children in these terms. they can be creative problem solvers. Plus, kids are more invested in solutions they think of themselves, and are more likely to work at making them a success.
Your son sounds like a bright child, and I believe both of you will LOVE the results you get from this book. I've used this approach with my grandson since he was 2.5, and find it wildly successful. He's now 5, and has experimented with a few less-than-successful strategies to get his own needs met. I wait till he's gotten past his initial upset, and then give him a chance to strategize a better approach for future use.
One of the things that your son will find useful is learning to recognize that the need he feels in the moment is really only part of a bigger constellation of needs, which must, for his own well-being, include the needs of his primary caregivers – his parents. His behavior last night was totally lacking that context. I think you're feeling bad because you had to forcefully override his needs (to keep having fun, to exercise, to learn through play, to connect with a friend, etc.) with your own (to be the watchful authority and guide, to run a successful home, etc.). But your needs were paramount in that situation, and your son's experimental behavior could NOT be permitted to succeed.
Did you overreact? Maybe, but that won't come clear for a while yet. It would be entirely appropriate to apologize for yelling – kids learn the art of apology by watching it in action. If you discover, before the end of the week, that your son IS able to set new behavioral expectations for himself and come up with a better strategy than he did, you can both joyfully revise the grounding. But until and unless you both get there, I'd stick with it.
DO try to get your son to interact with the situation, though. You may be impressed with how well this works. At the very least, read a few chapters of How To Talk.
what other option did you have? letting him have his way wouldn't be any better, at least now, maybe he willhave learned that "momma don't play that game' and will listen the first time
It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. If you let him get away with the behavior then he will be more likely to do it again. I would sit down with you son again today and explain how he acted yesterday and that it is not acceptable in your house. You should both be cooled off from yesterday. You might ask him what punishment he thinks is appropriate for his behavior. At 5 y.o. they understand action and the consequences (sp?).
What Kind of Mother Are You? You are a GOOD mother!!
I'm sorry about your neighbors inability to control her child, but I would no longer allow your son to play with him until his behavior changes. I do not let children or adults hit me and neither should your or dad. The minute it starts (and sometimes it starts with babies), the hand or foot should be gently restrained and the child sould be told firmly, "NO, we do not hit in this family".
He wanted to see if he could get away w/ what his friend gets away with. "Nope!" was your response. Bet he doesn't do it again :)
OH my! Please don't feel guilty. After reading your post...I would of done the same. I actually, wouldn't have my son play with him anymore with that type of behavior and influence. I would still sit down and talk to my son and explain what went wrong and how his behavior was unacceptable. I know he's 5 y/o, but kids nowadays DO know and can comprehend to an extent.
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! You did what you needed to do. As for the other kid, he obviously has issues at his home. NO WAY would I have any of my 4 children talk to me or do anything like that to me.
The only over reaction I see is that you feel so horrible. He is a five year old and they act out sometimes. When they do that, they have to be disciplined or they will do it again. You did exactly what you should have.
You did nothing wrong. Good for you for making your son follow the rules. Perhaps the only thing you could have done better is not to be mad....almost impossible to do in some situations.
Well...this is a tough situation. But, you asked where you went wrong. And let me preface by saying this is easy for me to say, since I was not in your situation at the time. I think you could say it was a big mistake to argue with your son for two minutes before taking him in. Arguing always escalates behavior and then it becomes a power struggle with a toddler. Second, yelling at him was a bit counter-productive. You said you were upset he yelled at you and threw a tantrum...but you immediately did the same thing. You were mirroring the action you were trying to express as wrong to him
Next time, I think grabbing him BEFORE an argument, putting him in a timeout, and coming back to further discipline him when you are CALM...will help the situation. I just don't think disciplining in a angry state ever accomplishes anything, nor does trying to argue with a toddler.
How did you do anything wrong? I think you handled it well. You want him screaming "shut up" at you next time? Since you acted on his bad behavior, maybe next time he will behave and influence the bad kid, instead of letting it slide, and letting him learn from the bad kid.
My oldest has...what could best be called "issues with emotions." There is a medical reason, but let's leave it at that. He is a smart kid and is learning that he must find APPROPRIATE ways to express his emotions. He is 6 now and usually does GREAT. But it has taken a lot of work & will likely go on for years.
Here is what I have done:
I have apologized to him if I yelled - but only for yelling. I have never apologized to him for throwing him over my shoulder and carrying him kicking and screaming away when necessary. If I have overreacted, I have allowed him to "earn" back priviledges with good behavior (in this case though, since he is only grounded from playing with THIS friend, I would probably follow through).
As for what kind of mother you are - you are the human kind. Just like the rest of us.
You did nothing wrong. More parents should discipline their kids like this!
You did nothing wrong. I think you were perfect. Better to do this now than when he's 15 and you can't pick him up!
I think the only thing you did wrong was issuing a punishment (or consequence) while you were angry. Believe me, I've done it too. Unfortunately it's hard to rescind the consequence or your child may not take you seriously next time.
Otherwise, I think you did the right thing dragging him inside and forcing him to obey. In most circumstances iIt's in his best interest to obey his parents in a timely fashion.
Don't beat yourself up . . . that was tough.
No, you did nothing wrong. I think you did something right! Sure sounds like he is being influenced from his friend but you are the one that he needs to respect and respond to. I say hold to what you say; enforce the grounding for the rest of the week based on him not listening to you. I've had episodes like that before too but I think when my kids know that I'm the parent and what I say should be respected (there are consequences to their actions), it's better in the long run. Think about if this behavior continues until he's a teen; do you think he would be considerate of a curfew if his friends get to say out later and do what they want to do? Be strong-you are just trying to mold the best child possible.
Is he in school?
Kids.. they get influenced by other kids.
You did what most Moms would do.
Your son had a bad moment. You said he is usually not like this.
Every kid, will have a bad moment.
Don't blame yourself.
No kid is perfect.
Your son, seems to be normally, a good boy.
You sit down with him, and calmly talk to him.
He is old enough.
Tell him, it does not matter what other kids are doing... this is HIS family and he is your son.
Tell him, he is smart enough, to know.. .that this is not acceptable.
Teach him, that with other kids, don't be a 'follower' and to go according to his family. Not only what other kids do.
In school, they will encounter kids like that all the time.
So you have to teach him, how to CHOOSE good friends or not. And how to be himself and to go according to what he is taught.... that not all kids, are appropriate. Teach him these concepts.... so that as he gets older... he will be wiser.
It is NOT your fault and do NOT feel bad! He was the one acting badly!! And he deserved to be punished. Unless, of course, you want him to realize he can play you and try this again. Stand your ground.
My older daughter decided to throw a fit like this at about the same age when we were at the bookstore at the mall one time. I had to carry her out kicking and screaming and BITING!! I was actually worried that someone was going to think I was kidnapping her! Thankfully, nobody called the police! Whew!
Next time you let him go out, have a serious talk with him first and remind him that you are in charge and he will come in quietly when you tell him to and there will be no more tantrums, or the punishment will be worse. Let him know you expect better things. And watch out for this other kid. He sounds like bad news.
I'm sure you were mortified by his behavior. It is my opinion that where you erred is by letting him play with this child. Eventually, the bad behavior rubs off. Seldom does good behavior reform little ones. Typically, the well behaved ones decide to try the bad behavior instead. I would not let my children play with kids who are like your neighbor. It isn't worth it to me to lose the years of training because of bad influences. There is a proverb that says Bad company corrupts good morals. So true. Too bad he lives so close. What did your husband say? Did he address this with your son? He should. Your son should know without a doubt that this won't fly in your house. He should never want to try it again. If you cave, your son will learn a valuable lesson: the short pain is so worth it to do something like that again. He is testing you. You cannot back down and let him win. You will be causing him so much more pain in the future if you let him know that you in any way doubt your discipline consequences. I think you were way too lenient on him, to be honest. His only consequeces are that he can't play with the neighbor brat for a week? What other tricks do you want him to pick up? He will eventually hit you if you let him be influenced by this other kid. I do think you were wrong in yelling at your son though. I'm sorry, but we should never yell at our children. You are the adult, you need to be in control. But, I do understand your shock and frustration. What is your normal form of discipline?
Answer me this. What else could you have done?? Let him run arround in the streets and get killed or kidnapped?? I think not.
You did exactly what I would have done, except I would also go over to the neighbors house and say that they can't play together until your son acts like a human, not a wild boar. Harsh, but your son is only going to pick up on more and more bad behaviors from him.
Good job and keep up the good work!
You didn't do anything wrong....except maybe he should've gotten his little @$$ wooped. That's what I would've done to my kid. I think that no more playing outside for a week is good. You have to let him know who is in charge. If you would've let him get away with that behavior, he would start doing it all the time. He knows now that you mean business. Be sure if he ever does this again that you punish him again. You cannot let him think that bad behavior will get him good results. Hang in there!
Why are you feeling guilty? If you don't curb him the way you did, he'll start doing more than throwing a tantrum on the street.
To be honest, if I were you, I'd start distancing the two boys. His friend sounds like a bad influence. There's no way to know what mom is doing at home to discipline her son, and obviously, whatever it is that she is doing, isn't working. But you can do things on your end to keep this situation from spiraling into something more serious. Stick to your guns, and make it clear now that disobediance won't be tolerated. Otherwise expect the situations to get more challenging as the friendship strengthens and the years go by.
I'd start with finding a more suitable friend for your son.
When my daughter was that age, I carried her kicking and screaming from a toy store (she wanted to buy something; I said "no"). She kicked and screamed all the was home in the car, and I carried her kicking and screaming into the house, into her room. No toy stores again for 2 months. She had never behaved that way before -- it was a very unusual reaction. And she never behaved that way again. But I will never forget it! As I was carrying her out of the store, one of the employees thanked me....
You didnt do anything wrong! Your son was aping his friend and he got in trouble for it which he should have.
you did right. you didn't accept his rudeness and you applied a very appropriate consequence. don't feel guilty at all. he's testing your boundaries and now he knows they're there. it's not your fault that he is influenced by others his age. it's natural. but now he knows who's boss. give yourself a hug, mama!!!
If the incident happened as you describe, then I don't think you did anything wrong. Your son was seeing how his friend acted, and decided to try it himself. I think you did exactly the right thing. I can imagine how MAD you were! I would explain to your son that it's okay to be friends with his buddy, but if he's going to act like him, even though he knows it's wrong, that he will be punished. This is a good time to teach your son that he has to be responsible for his own behavior and regardless of what anyone else is doing, if he's doing something wrong he and he alone will suffer the consequences ALONE. You should stick with the punishment of no playing with his buddy for one week, but be sure that your son knows it's because of HIS behavior, not his buddy's.
I think a week is a bit much... a time out and maybe a loss of a playdate may be in order. He also has to agree with you that the behavoir goes into the no no category and that it is important to be nice and respectful to mommy. He is 5 and well we all have bad days and he isn't seeing... that the other childs mother is not reinforcing good behaivoir and not correcting her kids foul mouth.. But thats not your problem. You were taken off guard. My daughter used to pull that to get a longer playdate once she realized that didn't fly in this house with consistant firm calm resolve she changed tactics.
I dont' think you did anything wrong. Maybe today you can talk to him about it and let him know that was NOT ok. Still adhere to his rest of the week punishment or he'll think he's running the show in no time at all. Dont let him know you felt badly for screaming at him. Let him apologize.
I'm late getting in on this discussion, but just want to add that sticking to your guns on this might just be a good example for your neighbor. Her son may find that his behavior is going to be curtailed in the future too. If not, at least your son knows the ground rules at your house, and shouldn't give you this kind of trouble again. The rule in our family is "this is how our family does things. Since you are a member of our family and not _____'s family, you need to do things our way." We go on to explain that each family has different rules, and though we may not agree with the other family's rules, that is their business.
I do home childcare and when one of the children tries to get out of following the rules here, saying that's not the way it's done in their home, I remind them that this is my home and my rules apply. Then I tell them that they can do things the way their parents want them to at home, but they need to do things our way in my home. Of course I know that often what the children are saying isn't the way it's done in their home is just an excuse to try to get out of something and that their parents rules are more like mine than the children want to admit to, but I don't even get into that argument.
I don't think you did anything wrong. Your son sees another child talking to his mother this way and it gets him his way....So its only natural for your child to try it out to see if he too will get his way. However, I think you did the right thing, you gave him plenty of warning, and when he pushed the boundary you took swift action and took him inside and explained that his behavior was unacceptable. I think he saw that not only did this behavior not get him his way, but he also saw that there were consequences with it. ....At this point I would follow up with him and just talk to him about it...Apologize for yelling but explain that in your house you have rules and he broke them...and when we break rules, there have to be consequences, since he wouldn't come in when you asked him to, and he ran from you and yelled at you....he is not allowed to play with his friend this week. ...I think in time your son will see he can not get by this behavior and it will stop.
Nothing. Sounds like a normal, occasional event with a kid, and a normal mom response. You did fine.
grounding him his perfectly acceptable!
That's what we do with our daughter if she cops and attitude when she gets home from playing from her friends house.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. I would have grounded my child as well. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. In the past he has made comments about that before coming from his friend, so he knows that it is unacceptable behavior. Stop beating yourself up. You did not allow your son to wrongly believe that bad behavior is rewarded. I think he should not be allowed to play with his friend for a while, but keep explaining to him why and let him know that every time he acts like that, you will take away some of his play time with him. You are doing great. Don't worry. It's not your fault.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Make sure you keep your word on the punishment, and I do know how hard that is. Children need boundaries, do you want to have your son run down the block like the neighbor kid does? Kids will push the line, that's what they do.
You are a great mother, your son just had an off day yesterday and picked up a few bad habits from his friend and trying them out... It didn't work...
I don't think you did nothing wrong....
I'm also with you on those feelings and always feels bad when I reprimend my kid, but never let her know...sometimes I feel so frustrated and cry in my room....I think is normal to feel that way, we loved them and want the best for them and I really try so hard to be a good mom, so sometimes is like that wondering if I did something wrong .....hang on is going to be like that all the time, mine is 7 y/o but as they grow up the pressure grows too..
You did nothing wrong. I would have probably been even meaner. 5 years old is way too old for a tantrum and you did the right thing. Your son seems like he knows right from wrong deep inside, he was just seeing what would happen if he acted like his friend. 5 yrs old is a weird age for some kids, where they mimic others, and try to figure out where they "fit in" to this world. My daughter is 5 and just got over a phase of very unusual behavior that turned out to be all centered around acceptance from her peers. Yes, at 5. I was like wth is going on here, you are FIVE! Makes me feel like I am in deep you-know-what when she hits puberty!! Just reiterate to your son that you won't tolerate him acting like that, and that if he does that again he will not be able to play with his friend.
Well, my son turns 5 this week and I have had to pick him up when he wasn't listening and was having a tantrum. Neither of us enjoy it but sometimes that's how it goes--he needs to learn to follow directions before he is too big for me to pick up! I don't know the whole sequence of events with your incident but sometimes giving a count of 3 or 5 to comply helps (but not always). I think my son is more of a limit tester but he hates to be carried against his will. If I tell him to go to time out or I will put him there he will usually go himself unless he is totally in a melt down.
It is worth talking about it with your son since it is not typical behavior for him. Maybe he can tell you what was going from his POV. My son tends to act up terribly when he is overtired. I wouldn't totally back down though. Not playing for a week is a reasonable consequence for his behavior (even if it is harsher than you might have given if you were not so mad).
He's probably old enough to understand you are his mom and he has to follow your rules even if his friends have different family rules. My mom was big on this tactic as we got older. She said "Whose mother would you rather have?" Even as a teenager I never had a friend I would have traded with for any length of time.
Man, I feel bad for the OTHER kid's mom. If she doesn't get a grip on her son and SOON, adolescence is going to be a DOOZY.
Good for you for setting an example that sometimes you just do the hard thing bc it's the RIGHT thing. It's never easy when these things play out in public, but you have no idea how your example may have empowered this mom to start doing the same.
You are not a bad mom...don't worry too much about it. Your son is learning you stick to your guns! They were totally feeding off each other! And your son was obviously copying his friend. My son used to rebel (at age 5) on coming in at dinnertime. He would yell NO. It made me so furious. I talked to him about how he has to come in when I tell him or else no riding bike/scooter with the neighbor kids for the next 24 hrs. He got that privilege taken away a few times and now he ALWAYS comes in when asked (he's now 6). Yay!
You did nothing wrong! You stood your ground and did not let him get away with the behavior. It's our jobs as parents to do this, and it sucks! I always feel terrible but they will do these things to see if they can push and get away with things. It is harder when they see a friend doing it. Stand your ground and do not let him play this week. He will learn that momma wont put up with this type of behavior. On the positive side, once he is allowed back out side if he comes to you to ask for an extended play time perhaps reward him with such for asking and behaving the correct way. It will stick
Well, now that you have said it you have to follow through. If you don't he will just push you farther. You can tell him you are sorry, but you have to stick to your guns. Personally you did nothing wrong. All kids rebel, it is what they are wired to do, you are a parent and it is your job to give them boundaries and rules and make consequences so when they grow up they understand that laws and rules apply to them (like "don't speed" and "don't drink and drive"). You don't want to deal with this again then you have to cut out the neighbor friend altogether. Personally I think a week is good.