With our jobs, I go to work so I can leave earlier to get the toddler from daycare. DH is supposed to get the boys to school. Even on days I get everyone ready and all DH has to do is walk out the door with them, he still needs one more thing or gets side tracked to where he is late leaving and the boys are late to school. The principal sends notes home about their excessive tardies. I have established that the bells ring earlier than any of our clocks say (including cells) and they have the crossing guard stop 10 minutes before school is supposed to start so the boys will not walk in the parking lot instead of waiting your turn in the drop off lane, so it is imperative to leave at a specific drop dead time at home.
short of quitting my job so i can do all transporting, i am not sure what i can do to get dh out of the door. he refuses to go and come back (what i do on the days i am not totally together when the boys need to go) and thinks the school is stupid for their policies. timeliness has never been his strength so i shouldn't be surprised. but i am getting mad. this isn't we miss the beginning of a movie this is school. 1 minute or 10, the boys are still late.
Our kids are 17 and 16 (leave earlier) 8, 5, 3. The 8 and 5 year olds are DH's responsibility to drop off at school. In the spring, he can take the 3 year old, but trading drop offs isn't an option, but me doing all is.
Thanks for all the responses. I spoke with 2nd grader's teacher and she said timeliness is much better and not a problem. Based on the monthly report the school sent home for January, they were late 6 times that month and most were 1-3 minutes late. Not perfect, but not the 20 minutes late distraction I thought it was.
No, the kids don't care about being late.
Yes, DH is ADD. Part of the problem. No it doesn't matter what time he gets to work most days. He looses track of time and easily works 10-12 hours a day once he is there.
No, the teens can't help in the morning as they do not drive. (gotta work on that!) I also try to keep the teens from too much younger brother duty as they are siblings not parents, but they do do several hours of sitting a week each.
Yes, they can go to the before care as they do go to after care. Problem for me doing that is I honestly hate schlepping 3 kids in and out of my car in the cold.
For now, the boys are working on keeping track of when to go. I skipped lunches for a few weeks to observe the mornings more and adjust what I can. I can not control everything nor can I do everything, so I am going to hope for the best here. 2.5 months till school is out, we can hobble along and regroup again.
Thanks for the replies- sorry for the delay in updating.
If you give up on DH, would the older two be able to help somehow? If there's before-school childcare at the elementary school, they could drop off the little ones.
It's not fair, I know. And it only helps for the next couple years until graduation.
Bottom line is, hubby needs to grow up. I like some of the suggestions about having the school make him more accountable.
J. ~ You've gotten lots of great ideas and suggestions!! Hang in there!! I hope it gets better for you soon!!
I like the suggestion of making your husband accountable to the school. Maybe you can go talk to the teachers and the principal and tell them what is going on, and like the others said, have them address any letters and such directly to your husband. And I like the suggestion someone gave about having your children tell your husband when they are mad about being late. Your poor kids, they shouldn't be getting penalized for your husband's irresponsible behavior. Hopefully you find a solution soon. Good luck!
Unfortunately some people don't see importance in being on time. While the idea of setting the clocks ahead is a good one, they will soon figure it out (by tv, cell phone, etc) and fix the clocks.
What do the 8 & 5 year olds say about being late? Do they encourage your DH to leave on time? Do they complain to him about being late to school? If DH works, how does his boss handle him being late all the time?
I would talk to DH about the image he is setting for the kids. By his constant tardiness, he is showing the kids that it is ok to be late.
I know this must be frustrating. Hope your situation gets better soon. DH just needs to get his priorities straight and start setting the example of timeliness for the kids.
wow! how about explaining to dh how selfish he is being and how this is effecting the kids school, learning and most of all showing them the meaning of being a responsible adult. what kind of example is he setting for the kids. and to say the school is stupid and that he doens't agree with the policies....what is there to agree with. School starts at a certain time. Does he miss meetings at work or is always late? wouldn't his consequence be to get fired?
J. - This would have to be very frustrating. Is there a neighbor who takes their children to school that you could pay weekly to give your children a ride? Or, does your school have a before and after school daycare program where you could drop them off on your way to work so you're insured they are already at school before you go to work? I know this will be a cost burden, but it will guarantee that your children are arriving on time.
Perhaps if you give this problem back to him and remove yourself from the middle. Give the school his phone number to call. Have all letters of tardyness adressed to him. Feel sympathy for the kids but leave the anger up to them if they feel the need. "That's such a bummer buddy, what are you going to tell Dad?" Try it for a month. You could even tell their teachers and office what you are doing so maybe they could help you.
Ask your school police liason to talk with him and have him tell him about the financial penalties that come with truency court if he does not get the kids to school on time.
He sounds very iresponsible and needs to get it together and behave like an ADULT! He is setting the example for ALL the children in your house..he needs to lead by example! I'd be pissed off...I retaliate...if he loves a certain video game...hide it...so passive agressive I know! Haha! Of course, I'm NEVER late and can't stand perpetually late people!
There is no consequence for the husband, just the children. This isn't fair to them. It is a shame that their dad is showing such a bad example but even worse that he would let his children pay for his laziness. You can't change him until he wants to change so all the gripping and complaining, yelling and a fit throwing over it isn't going to help, but making him want to change will. Next time you are going out somewhere with him, somewhere that means a lot for him to be there on time, make sure you take more time then he does getting ready... even if it means you miss the appointment. Let him get antsy to get on the road, then afterwards don't say a word about it being to show him... just smile and say "well being there on time is stupid anyway" After doing this a few times for what he wants to do, he might get it through to him. Another thing you can try is have the school insist that he brings the boys inside and for him to meet with the principal. Maybe being explained what can happen to a child (and parents) if a child is always truant and in a lot of schools so many tarties equal an absent and can cause truancy, will make him realize that even while rules seem stupid to those who can't follow them, there is dire consequences when not followed. I always told my kids "laws are laws, you might not agree to them but you must follow them" Same goes here, rules are rules and you must follow them or the children may pay.
DH needs to grow up! The boys need to get to school. It isn't because of school policies, but the boys need time to settle down and get involved in class! Also, their coming in late disrupts the class.
I am not sure how your relationship is, but I think you need to give DH an ultimatum. If he is not going to share in the duties of the children, then tell him you will quit work to be a full-time mom and he can get a second job.
It sounds like you could use some couple's counseling. He really needs to get on the ball.
L. :)
Doesn't he realize that he is teaching the kids to disrespect the school policies? How are your kids supposed to follow the rules, if he doesn't? He should have to deal with all the late notes and talk to the principle about the "stupid policy". Otherwise, your 8 year old is going to have to be the one in charge.
Gosh, your DH and mine must be relatives! If any of these things work, PLEASE let me know!
Is there anything you can do to help him in the morning? Like make sure he places everything he needs in a basket by the door before bed so he doesn't do the "oh, I forgot this" and have to run back in the house. You said a lot of times you get the kids ready, so that can't be his excuse. What is side-tracking him? Is it the TV or computer? Is there a neighbor they can get a ride to school with?
The first thing you need to do is set your clocks with the school clocks.I think the only way you can get a handle on it is to talk to him. Ask him why he doesn't see being on time as important. Then explain why it is important to you and their teachers that they be there on time. Ask him if there is anything you or the kids can do that will make it easier for him to leave on time (set an alarm that goes off when he needs to leave the house, the kids need to make sure they are ready to walk out the door at that time, etc). If he doesn't see being on time as anything to worry about, then that's not going to change and you are right that he's teaching your kids that it's okay to just show up whenever you feel like it (which is never good for most jobs) so you may just have to rearrange your schedule or quit your job or learn to accept that they will be late on a regular basis.
I can completely understand why you are mad, and yet, I am just like your husband. I can't seem to get anywhere on time. I used to be habitually late getting my daughter to preschool, and picking her up late, until I was slapped with a late fee! Her school charges $1 a minute for every minute you are late, and I ended up owing them an extra $50 one month. Anyway, I deserved it, and it has really made me try a lot harder to get there on time. I can't pinpoint an exact reason for my lateness, but it is a lot of "I forgot" type stuff, and running back into the house, or getting distracted by things (I have A.D.D. Does your husband have A.D.D?) Maybe you could charge him a late fee yourself! For every minute the kids are late to school, make him pay you, if not in money, in house chores or something. Just a thought. He is in control of himself--he is an adult--and he CAN get the kids there on time...this is what I had to tell myself, and it has worked...so far! :)
Unfortunately, you ar enot your husbands mother. He is a grown man, and you really can't make him do anything. If the time thing bugs you, than you need to be the one that gets it done.
Pointing out his faults to other people will not be honoring your husband. Your getting frustrated and telling your husband what to do is speaking just as much as his lack of respect for time and school. YOu need to show your kids that You are married to the greatest guy that ever existed. Even if it is not true. Some day it might be.
Getting bitter over the clock is not worth ruining a relationship over. Your unconditional love will be more of a motivater than any amount of nagging will ever be.
I agree with Staci F. As my mother always said- pick your battles. If you have a strong relationship with your husband, talk it out- without kids around and not after you have been running ragged all day. Make a date with your husband. You wont change him, and nor should you. Find a way to fix the problem- with him, not without him so that you are not physically and mentally exhausted. Best of luck.
I disagree with the idea that you can't regulate your husband's behavior. This isn't something that effects just him. If it was, then this assessment would be correct and you would need to let your husband be who he is. Instead this is something that shortchanges your children, and that isn't alright.
I agree that you should let him know that just because something isn't important to him doesn't mean that it isn't important to other people. If he can't see value in what other people think or feel about this, then you have to do it yourself, which means quiting your job so that the children are given the best opportunities. If he doesn't like that idea, then he needs to step up.
set all the clocks 15 minutes ahead (and tell no one)
Check out the Children's Miracle Music Chore Chart. It is a fun way to get out of the house in the morning. It has worked wonders for our family. Maybe it will help with your DH. Good Luck! www.childrensmiraclemusic.com
