Desperately Seeking Advice for My Son

Your boyfriend has already "been a dad" once, right? To his son who is now a grown man.

Have you discussed with your boyfriend his feelings about "being a dad" for the second time? Raising another child?

It does NOT make your boyfriend a bad person if he does not want to parent another little boy. BUT, that might make him a bad pairing for you, not the best choice of boyfriend for your needs.

Sounds like you moved too fast.

Step back and rethink your priorities.... your son.

You're not teaching your son values by making him live with your bf who has already been there done that with his own children.

Your son needs to be in a stable home where he is treated with love and sees you treated with love. The behavior you and bf are modeling is how your son will act as an adult.

It's ok to not have a man for a while so you can parent your child. Maybe a good man will come into your life who values you and your son.

Please move yourself and your son out into your own place sooner than possible.
If your boyfriend and son are not developing a relationship while living together - I don't see how it's going to get any better - and it could get MUCH worse.

There's a poster on here who moved in with a boyfriend when her son was about your son's age - they live together all this time and her son is about 16 now - and in all this time the boyfriend has never cared enough to even get the child a birthday or Christmas present.
This boyfriend has zero/zip/nada interest in her son all this time - the Mom refused (still refuses) to leave the boyfriend and it destroyed her childs life.
Don't let this happen to your son.

Your son has one childhood - and that's more important than living with anyone who won't even give him the time of day.
The boyfriend is showing his true colors - and it should be a deal breaker for you.
You and your son are a package deal - and if the boyfriend isn't manning up to be a good father to your son - then he needs to be an ex boyfriend.
Until your son is an adult ready to live on his own - you place his interests above your own and everyone else s - and PROTECT him by not forcing him to live in a neglectful negative situation.

This man is showing you point blank that your son is not important to him. He is also showing your son that he does not care about him. If you decide to stay with this man, especially to marry him, you are dooming your son to feeling unloved and unwanted. In other words, you are choosing this man over your son.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it's really true. And your son will NOT learn to love. How do you think he will treat children of his own one day?

I sure hope you make the right decision. You should never choose a man over your child.

Is it possible that you moved in with him too quickly? "A few weekends" is not enough time to make a bond between boyfriend and son. And his reluctance to spend time with your son in the beginning is a red flag.

I think you should put marriage on hold until you can work out a lot more of the relationship. If 18 months of living together has left you this frustrated and with no improvement in your son's relationship with your boyfriend, you need to trust your gut. This isn't going to magically get better in 6 more months - how did you set that benchmark?

I know you don't want to disrupt his life, but you already did that when you moved in with a boyfriend who is not committed to you and your son. If your boyfriend really loved you, he'd make more of an effort with what's important to you: your child.

Trust your gut. Get counseling now to set a plan for yourself, sort out your priorities, and determine what you truly admire about this boyfriend who won't engage with your child. So far, this has disaster written all over it.

How does your son feel about this? Do you think he feels rejected? Is he not getting what he needs?

The schedule is sort of irrelevant - it is what it is, and lots of families, even those that aren't blended, deal with parents working opposite shifts, etc. What's important is whether your son feels like he's getting what he needs from your boyfriend when he's around. Does he crave his attention? Does he clearly long for more from him? It might be that he's fine with the situation and that it's you who is disappointed that your boyfriend isn't meeting your expectations. That's important too, but it's important that you understand the the distinction too - are the hurt feelings coming from you, your son, or both? If it's your son as well as you who is feeling hurt, then I think you need to end this relationship. If it's just you, and you know your son is satisfied with things, then maybe you could adjust your expectations and truly be happy - but if not, move on.

My oldest son's father moved away before he was born. When I met my (now ex) husband, his daughter and my son were both 3. Everyone seemed to bond when it was just us hanging out on weekends. When we got married and moved in together two year later, and the reality of parenting a small child set in on my ex, he withdrew from my son. My son was crushed, because he finally had what he thought was going to be a "dad" and he was rejected. We had two children together in quick succession so we really worked to keep things together but finally split up a couple of years ago, after 12 years together. I regret having not ended things sooner and if we hadn't had kids together, I definitely would have shown him the door much earlier and salvaged what I could of my oldest son's childhood.

On the other hand, my step-daughter and I weren't super-close. She lived with her mom and spent every weekend with us. Where she already had a mother, and my ex really missed her and made up for lost time on the weekends, I was definitely the 3rd parent in the relationship, which was fine. When she was with us, she was spending time with her dad, her half-siblings and step-sibling, and friends. My ex would sometimes complain that I wasn't living up to the picture in his head of "girl bonding" with my SD, but she wasn't really into the things he imagined that we should have been doing together. We did do a few outings together each year without the boys, sometimes just the two of us and sometimes with other female relatives or friends, but we weren't besties or anything.

At the end of the day, I would recommend couples/family counseling. Having a 3rd party talk to everyone and look at the relationship dynamics can give you clarity that is hard to find when you're in the middle of things. I wouldn't say to just end it outright, as that would mean uprooting your son again and going through the expense and logistics of a move, etc. but don't let that hold you in a relationship that's not going to work in the long run either. Do your homework with a counselor so that you can make a truly informed decision.

Just reading this, especially the part where you say "I feel I have a wonderful time when it's just us" sums it up.

He's not interested in your son. A lot of guys are super involved in the beginning - like over the top - based on my experience. They want that bond. They try. Over time, it morphs into a typical relationship - but they are giving it their all in the beginning, making that effort.

You are starting out without him showing interest. It's only going to go downhill from here.

Personally - I'd find it hard to be with a guy who wasn't interested in my kids. I wouldn't expect the same level as from their dad - but I'd be like you, totally bothered by this.

You have choices in life. You don't have to settle.

I do have a friend who has a boyfriend who was very upfront and honest - saying he wasn't interested in kids. So they have not moved in together. She has been going on dates with him for years, and sees him when she doesn't have the kids. It's kind of a weird arrangement, but he was honest and upfront, and she accepts it.

Personally - if it were me, I would be open to meeting men who were interested in my kids. To be open, you have to be available. That's just me though.

I think you know the answer to your question. Your man has not bonded with your son. He shows no interest in bonding and only spends time when forced. Your son deserves a stable and happy home. What will happen if you stay? Your son will come home one day from Dad's and say "I want to live with Dad". That is what will happen.

So you have a choice. Move out or keep going and in the end your son will make the decision for you. I have learned that you can't force someone to be a parent or step parent if they don't want to be.

I know you asked him if he could handle things before you moved in but thinking you can vs dealing with it day in and day out is 2 different things. He hasn't bonded with your son after 1 1/2 yrs and chances are he never will. Unless they have interests in common or some activity they can do on an ongoing basis together I think this is as good as it gets. You either decide that its ok for your son to be treated this way and stay in this living situation or get your own place. Really its just that simple.

This would be difficult for your son in the long run... it's very obvious when the adults feel a kid is 'in the way', and that's actually what this sounds like. The fact that it's less fun when your son is around is because your boyfriend isn't making an effort to include him, which is really sad.

I've seen a similar situation firsthand, and have been the kid whose stepparent couldn't be bothered to make an effort to engage or get to know. It's damaging in the long run. Please, consider this: you may not be ready to break up with him yet, but you are asking yourself a hard question and the truth is, you might not like the answer. But it doesn't mean it's not the reality of the situation. I'd strongly suggest premarital counseling if you think you want to go any further down this road. You and your boyfriend need to talk about this honestly, even if it is painful. You owe it to your son not to make him the third wheel. Your boyfriend isn't going to be 'dad', ever, and he doesn't have to, but all the adults living in a household with a child should be dependable, trustworthy, and wanting what's best for the kids, not what's 'good for now'. I think you got into this relationship too soon, and even with best intentions, sometimes the long-term consequences outweigh the benefits in the short term.

Even though you live together, your boyfriend is *your* boyfriend. He's not your son's father and it seems clear from his actions that he isn't super interested in being SecondDad or your son's habitual playmate.

If you want to be with him for your own sake as his romantic partner, you will have to accept that benign tolerance of your son is what he's willing to give.

Your son already has a father. As long as your boyfriend is treating the both of you well then I think your expectations may be a little unrealistic. What you have isn't a bad thing, but it may not be what you want. You don't mention plans for a wedding, but I suggest that you don't take that step if you're super invested on trying to create Family Unit 2.0. Your boyfriend sounds nice, but he might not be right for you if you feel strongly about it.

Hi l was in a similar situation when my son was 10, l though things would get better . now my son is 15 years old boyfriend left about a month ago ,and l'm dealing with a teenager in trouble with the law, can care less about consequences,disrespectful., not he's fault l was with a man that wanted me not my son.dont make that mistake it won't get better. stay with ur son he will grow so fast and u will be sooooo happy that u were there for him all the time. hopefully u will make the decis ion soon and you won't be crying everyday thinking what could it had been if l just listened
.Good luck, is a very hard desicion but he's showing u now that ur important to him NOT your soon.

Well, he's not your child's father. He's an adult that works full time and is working nights at that. He needs to come home in the morning and eat a meal then go to bed for his nighttime sleep. He should sleep pretty much all day. Then he gets up and goes to work again.

He should also be sleeping and awake these hours on his days off. It's not normal for human beings to switch their sleep/awake hours around every weekend because they're off work.

His body goes to sleep in the morning and wakes up at dark, thereabouts. So not only is he unable to be up and entertaining your son he's trying to have a relationship with his own son.

I think it's a little....hard on him, that you're pushing him so much to be your child's father. He's not his father.

When you do family time things that's when you spend time as a family unit. But he's still not going to be your son's dad. Not even if you marry.

You need to have a talk with your husband. Keep it simple but to the point. Tell him that you would love it if he could spend more time with your son, and see what he says. If he does not want to, then there's your answer. It's probably time to move on.

I've been through this exact same issue, and it was a huge deal in my marriage. I suggest you work this out now, before you get married. Even though your son has a father, it's important that he has a good relationship with his stepfather, especially if both you and your son want it.

Please make sure you resolve this issue before you go any further, because I guarantee you from experience that it will hurt more and more the longer this goes on, and could eventually be the end of the relationship if your boyfriend does not step up. Good luck.

Welcome to mamapedia, J..

I'm sorry - he doesn't want a relationship with your son. He wants you. That's why you have a wonderful time when it's just the two of you and when your son is "home"? He's not around.

What do you expect from him? Family dinners every night? Play games with him? What?

Does your son notice this? What does your son say about this?

Why did you move in with him with there wasn't something concrete between you, him and your son?

What's HIS idea of a "Good relationship"? He might not understand a 7 year old since it's been over a decade since he's had a 7 year old, right? Other than asking those questions? You really should have asked and been specific about what YOU expected him to do and how you expected him to interact with your son.

I don't think you're lost. I think you know what to do but you don't want to do it.

your mans kid is 20. hes done with the child rearing days (in his mind) so hes not going to ever bond with your child.
you need to decide if the relationship is worth it. what you want and what you are gettin are 2 different things. maybe you could have a sit down talk with that boyfriend of yours and ask him why he is uninterested in the child. maybe he does not know where to start or does not know the boys interests. maybe hes afraid of doing the wrong thing and upsetting you or the childs real dad.. you won't know till you talk to him.

i'm so sad that you thought this would work. now that you are in this situation as long as this man is paying your bills and keeping you happy in bed, i wouldn't worry about trying to be a family. This isn't his kid, as long as he is just ignoring him not beating him. enjoy what your boyfriend gives you and let it be. no need to marry and no need to push him to spend time with your boy..