Desperate Need of Advice and Shared Experiences.

Hi K.. Reading your story made me cry. I have lived there. I was 17 when I got pregnant with and had my first child, and did not know where to go. So, out of fear and what I thought was necessity, after I turned 18 I agreed to marry him. It was a nightmare. Things were great at first, but then after we were away from my friends and family, it started to change. He became just like your "man". Very belittling to me, and eventually he became physically abusive to me.

My daughter was 6 and my son almost 3 when I finally found the strength to leave. It was the hardest decision I had ever had to make.

We lived with friends and moved around a lot for a long time. Anywhere that we would be safe from him. It was horrible, but we got through it.

I know that the places that soc. services may not be the greatest, but they would be safe. Have you tried a battered women's shelter? I know, that's probably the last place you want to think of right now, but they are NOT as bad as most women think. (we ended up in one after leaving my second husband...yea I know I have a great track record don't I??) Anyway, I am not familiar with your area, but try looking in the phone book. I know here, they have emergency numbers at the front of the phone book.

Please, you can make it without him (and be able to finish school). It would be better for your children, who right now are learning how to treat their future wives from your "man". You don't want that, I know because that is one thing that fueled me to leave, my son had started to act just like his father towards me and his sister.

Since I have left him, in 2001, I have managed to purchase a home (small, but its ours!), gone back to school and completed my associates and currently working on my bachelors, and regained my independence.

I know that all sounds overwhelming, but it can be done. My first suggestion would be to find a support group, they really do help! Even if you go and do not say a word...the women there will understand, they have all been there (my first 6 meetings, I sat in the corner and cried).

Please, if you need to talk feel free to private message me on here. I know it feels like you are stuck right now, but you can do this for your children and for your own sanity!

your kids don't have a good home, hon. even if you move somewhere that's aesthetically displeasing it will be better than the tension and unhappiness they experience every day now (yes, your tension and unhappiness directly impacts theirs.) i applaud your desire to go back to school, but even that is not possible in your current situation. you are paralyzed because the unknown is always scarier than the familiar misery. you can't see the road ahead and that's terrifying, but you MUST make a move. even if it temporarily seems worse it WILL get better. you can't tweak your direction if you're frozen. get moving, and then even if you take a wrong turn you can change course.
go.
and good luck.
khairete
S.

Maybe you are trying to do too much. I'd say focus on what is most important, and from reading your description, that would seem to be to get yourself and children away from the abusive man in your life. Do that, and finish school once you've got a stable situation somewhere. Looking to this man for help and support will most likely be futile and damaging. Best of luck.

K., First let me ask, did you get married? If not, then he has NO hold over you. If you did, then I recommend you go get a book called "Love and Respect" by Dr Eggriches. IT describes exactly what you're going through and how to gain that peace you desperately seek. I've been married almost 8 years and finally have that peace with my husband. It took a while, but it was worth it. I also recommend you go see the movie "Fireproof" if you haven't already. There is a book in the movie which is out in stores called "The Love Dare" and I highly recommend it. I know it's hard and you're torn apart right now, but God knows how you feel and wants to hear from you. He knows how to help you and wants to give you a peace that surpasses ALL understanding. I live pretty far from you, but if you need to talk, send me an e-mail. Hope you feel better soon.

Wow,
well there are many many resources out there for you. I really think that you need to prioritize what is most important to you. having a bug free, clean home is not the most important thing to having a happy childhood. The unhappiness that you are experiencing will be seen by your children. and will affect them later in life. I understand your wanting to finish school...however YOU need to be happy and healthy first. If you would like to have a "penpal" please respond and I will give you my email addy.
I had a child at 21 and left his father at 6 months. I have a lot of LIFE experience in the arena you are in. My son is now 18 and in college. I also have a 2 year old now. so we may have some things in common.
take care and I look forward to chatting with you.

my cousin just went through this pretty much to a T. social services had her put into a home. they arent what you think anymore. they are actual houses not a warehouse with cots lined up. they provide food and childcare for free so you can save up for your own place. if you arent married i'd leave and go file for child support. good luck. you are worth more to your children if you arent depressed and if he's making you that way then you need to leave. id much rather live with bugs than a daddy that yells at my mom all of the time. that stuff sticks with you and will make them be te same way with their future partners in life.

K., you have to decide what's most important for your children. The first thing is kinda two fold ... your emotional stability/sanity and ALL of what's best for your children. I say this because I am 3 months into a new place for me and my son. I left a home where I got support from his father but the relationship was pretty much a mirror of what your going through. Your boys see/feel/hear and live everything your going through in one way or another. It is of the utmost importance that you get a plan in place today to move out of that situation. You say you have no money. I had no money but saved when I got remotely close to a deposit on a place I moved out bought an air matress for me and my son to sleep on in a relatives living room for another 3 months. During that time I did a lot of praying and a lot of talking to myself. Telling myself that it was going to be okay - everyday is one day closer to better days. Some days I cried, some days I held my head up and just kept on pushing off of shear determination. But I am here to tell you "you have to do something" If you don't take care of yourself who is going to take care of your boys? You're already snapping at them, they have a father who degrades you and then does not speak to them. They are babies for goodness sake. I am pleading with you to make your way. Maybe the SS place is not your idea of what a good home should look like but what's more important is what it it feels like. There's a old saying that goes "A house is not a home". I can't continue to go on forever here although I got my own war stories to share but know that I have already prayed for your deliverance. Please know this is not the life you or your children deserve. I promise you if you take one step at a time and trust and believe in yourself you too will find that each day will leave this situation further behind you. Sending you a strong hug. Keep your head up, Breath, Pray and keep it moving.

I was married to an abusive man for 7 years. You do not deserve this, and your boys will only learn from the example their father is setting for them. No one can tell you do leave, until you are ready. I left with nothing but the proverbial clothes on my back - walked away from a home and a business. My sanity was worth more then the material things. I was blessed to have the support of friends and family to help me get through this. You will know when you are ready, and are willing to make the necessary sacrifices to move onto the next phase of your life. Although they are young, once you make that choice, your sons will see the strength you have, and as they grow, they will understand and respect the sacrifices you made. Set goals, and meet them, and look towards the future that awaits you. Empower yourself to make the changes that you deserve.

"For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? Or what shall a man give in exchange for his own soul?" (Mark 8:36-37)

We all make mistakes. The only bigger mistake is not correcting it and moving forward. You have presented a very undesireable choice. Stay in a negative relationship which is causing you to take anti-depressants, worry about safety of your children, presents negative male role model daily, and causes you great unhappiness. You are trying to survive this for material comfort. There are women who make that choice because poverty is even less desireable. But, they also make the choice of deadening the pain by choosing escape mechanisms like drugs, alcohol, etc. Do you really want to present that to your children and leave them even more vulnerable to someone who you cannot trust? What will you say when your 1-year-old and 3-year-old boys grow into the type of man you are with now? Is the house really worth that, growing two more abusive, hurtful men in the world?

The other choice you didn't present was seeking help. If you are on anti-depressants, it means you have at least a doctor who can help. You don't like the soc. ser. options presented. What about friends, hotels, classmates, relatives? Rent a room in a very nice neighborhood. Become a nanny to a decent family that might offer live-in assistance for a woman with children. Anything has to be better than living in fear and needing meds to cope with it. What happens to your sons if you become dependent on the meds and emotionally check out? If they had to choose between the house with a crazy daddy and a mentally abused mommy and peace, I'm sure they'd choose peace.

You wrote you've quit school. You want to be happy. Peace doesn't have a price tag. Don't try to put one on it. You grew up poor. I get that. But, you deserve so much more than just material things. What about love, what about peace, what about safety? Love yourself and love your children enough to keep working for it. You're too close to completing your studies to give up now and you can do it. How do I know? There are too many women in this world who have faced the same scenario and worse and have fought to preserve their self-worth. That's more valuable than the home you are in and the relationship or that man's help you're trying to preserve. There's always a chance he'll grow up, but that might be 20 years from now. Are you really willing to wait 20 years to reclaim your identify, self-worth, safety and sanity? In 20 years, your boys will be men, and they will have inherited his character. Will you like them, love them when they do this to other women? And, they will either copy it or reject it, but who is willing to take that chance? Will they respect you or hate you for taking the mistreatment? Three no-good men is definitely not something you can handle.

Some may argue he might change. He is not your husband. You don't have to sacrifice for someone who is not a permanent part of your life. He could always leave you or worse, put you out when he's tired of you. Then, what would you do? At least if you leave on your own two feet, you can make better choices than letting life make choices for you. And, I'd choose a peaceful bug infested home over craziness any day. I can always buy a can of Raid. I can't buy peace and sanity.

K.,

Reading your message broke my heart because I can relate to some degree. Please, please, please try to finish your classes so you can have some financial independence!! Your degree is something he can never take away from you, will give you a good job to help support your boys, and help you be able to afford a safe place to live. Can you stash a small amount of money away every month? Even a small amount will add up eventually to a first month's rent somewhere. Find a place of worship that meets with your faith beliefs! (Even if you aren't sure what they are.) It is a place to find some support..emotionally and perhaps financially. It is also a place for your boys to go and get good guidance, perhaps to find a male figure to look up to, and you may be able to get a break knowing they are in a good environment. Also document the things you do, the places you take your boys, all the work you do taking care of them alone. Know that if you leave your "man" he will have to pay child support depending upon how much time the boys are with you vs. with him. This amount is set by the court system, he won't really have much say in it, and they can take it right out of his paycheck so you don't have to fight him for it. It is a painful and daunting process, but you will be happier at the end of it. It is hard to feel good about your life with someone always putting you down, not caring if you are well or sick, not caring if you are exhausted or well rested. Try to do some small things for yourself, a dinner with friends, a pedicure or manicure, take a trip with your boys to someone's house if you don't have family close by. You can camp for cheap (and it is a gorgeous time of year for that), and you don't have to own a tent. There are places you can cabin camp. Try to find ways to be around supportive people who will build you up. Take pride in the small things you do. Realize too that you don't want your boys growing up thinking this is how women are treated.

Keep on keeping on!
N.

Hello K....

Depending on where you live, you can definitely check the resources at your county/city. Social workers in your area can give you an abundance of advise and/or resources that you can look for. I understand the pain you must be going thru. You could also report the father, the damage is causing you could be qualified as a violence to your person, your dignity and morale. Check with your church also, they can give you listings for housing, and emotional help..stay strong for your kids, they need you the most.

Hi K., the best thing you can do RIGHT NOW is NOT lose your mind. Your situation is very tough but IT WILL NOT LAST forever. Find support, join a church, reach out to some people to talk to. Kind of like you are doing right now :) The best thing for your kids is not your nice home or even a bug free home (trust me, I understand that) but to see joy and love in your eyes. Would your "man" be mature enough to live in the same house with you peacefully while you do what you have to do?? I think not. He is an A$$hole. I really hope the best for you. Where is your mother? I think God and the church is your best bet for now.

K., i'm sorry for what you're going thru and wanted to say stay strong, you will make it. have you checked out campus housing? most schools have housing for married students or students with children. that is one way you can leave your current situation behind. the rent would be taken out of your student loans.

my dear child, where to start.. first off, most women dont
even realize they are in an abusive relationship until its
over, and then they blame themselves.. instead if the person that was abusive to them , dont let him off the hook so easily, first off, ship your little ones off to a trusted friend for at least a few weeks..then, make certain you cant get pregnant again, because once your kids are not there, he will try to turn on the charm and when that doesnt work, he will threaten you, reminding you how wonderful he has been to you, and then he will start downplaying his own abusive behavior, while reminding you of your complete lack of defering to him. leave these guy,
or your boys will end up copying his behavior, and they will end up feeling disgusted by you because you didnt leave this guy. think it over
K. H.