Desperate Mother Wants to Send My Daughter's Picture to Men on Internet

whoo.

Before I get to the "yes you're right," I'm gonna say the one thing you are wrong about: you *are* expecting too much if you expect her to prioritize you or be there for you. Not because a daughter shouldn't expect that of her mother, but because clearly that is just NEVER going to happen for you. I'm really really sorry about that, but probably you will resent things less and open your mind to alternative answers and resources if you just admit that and let it go. (One of my proverbs to live by: Reality is that which does not change, no matter how much we want it to.)

But otherwise, you are crazy-right, she is ridiculous.

When I was dealing with my divorce negotiations, not only did all the books speak very clearly about how everything for both partners, no matter how angry anyone was, should be 100% (as much as each partner is capable of) About What Is Best For the Child(ren) ... but someone phrased it for me this way: I had to do as well as I could in the negotiation process, because I was defining a large part of the next 18 years for myself and the children.

What you choose to do, and the lines you choose to draw, WILL PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN (or won't!).

And a woman who has consistently chosen THAT poorly, will continue to do so unless she has made some radical changes ('sounds like she hasn't). The title of your query really suggests the deeper problem, which is protecting your daughter from abusers she would be taught (by Grandma) to trust.

Another piece of divorce-book advice that is very pertinent, is that the parental-type adults in a child's life should not even *introduce* the idea of a romantic partner until and unless that relationship is long term and looking stable. There are all sorts of scholarly and plain-speak explanations for the damage this *is guaranteed to do* to the child(ren) involved if their grownups ignore it ... perhaps having several 'relationship' books draw her the same line you are trying to draw might at least get her to stop blaming you for her issues. (Probably not, of course ... but it's worth a try, and you might feel better supported in your choice.)

I am so sorry your mom is so dysfunctional. When things began to really fall apart between my husband and I, I had to make a conscious effort to open up and move out into other "lesser" relationships for my support--letting go of my "ideal" (main support will be husband). It really feels like this is the same motion you maybe need to make now: she won't move with you to a healthier place, but you don't have to be trapped in her unhealthy one. You can move forward without her, and her judgments (condemnation or approval, neither are probably a good idea for you). Painful as it is, just let her go. Part of the reason things fell apart in my marriage is because I was making healthier choices (*hard* choices, growing choices) ... and even when it meant losing him, I would not renege on those decisions. I just wish he had trusted me and come along too ...

: (. It is a sad thing.

Owwwww - how sad -- you are doing exactly the right things, A. --- she is completely out of line --- completely--- this is YOUR 4 year old - yours --- she has access to your little treasure only through you - so she needs to bite the bullet and accept that you and your nice man WILL make decisions and that's the end of it. You may find that she accepts your nice guys decisions better than yours ( not fair - but many women of that generation do accept men's ''''authority''' sooner than their ''''' childs''''' ( that's you) --- that isn't right---- but it might work. Other than that--everything you are doing is exactly correct- you are not selfish- unreasonable- you are a good Mom ( better than you had --- by a long shot -- how many men abused you?????? MY GOD --- she is so lucky you allow her access to the extent you do.) Regarding the new baby ( OH MY _ CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!) --- set up as much help from neighbors, friends- church communities - as though you knew for a fact she would not be available- and then if she IS available - it will be a plus -- sorry love- but that sounds like wisdom to me -- and no - I'd NEVER< EVER urge v-bac - --- not only is it none of my business- but as a special ed teacher --- I experienced -- as a teacher ---the effect of '''' v-bacs gone wrong'' -- no I'd never urge 'em --- never --- I know they sometimes work -- but I'd never risk it--that's just me--- .

Chicken old Mom
aka--- J.

Oh wow, what a lot of stuff to deal with, and I do mean a lot. I feel for you.

First of all, you are NOT being unreasonable regarding your daughter and her photos. You have every right to be in control of who has access to her pictures, especially if the person in question is allegedly on another continent and a person you have not met. As you stated, your mom has a very poor track record when it comes to relationsips, and your daughter is YOUR daughter, not hers. You have every right to make appropriate decisions regarding her safety, and if your mom disagrees with those decisions, too bad.

You said your mom isn't a bad grandma, and since I don't know her, I can't say one way or another if she is or isn't. However, you are totally doing the right thing by wanting a healthier environment for your daughter than the one you grew up in, and I commend you for that. Unfortunatly, finding your way to that healthier environment may be emotionally challenging for you, because you may need to consider limiting the time your daughter spends with grandma, which may lead to hurt and unhappy feelings all around.

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to get to know your mom's lastest boyfriend before allowing him to have access to pictures of your daughter. Trust your gut instinct, because there are so many bad people on the internet. You are totally right, he may not be who he says he is, he may be dangerous, or he may not even exist. Who know?

Do what you need to do to be comfortable and to keep your daughter safe, and be ok with that. Your mopm may be angry and upset with that, but that's just the way it has to be. You are doing the right thing, really you are. Keep up the great work mom! :)

You love your Mom because she's your Mom but it doesn't mean you have to like the choices she makes.

Your Mom has a history of male realtionships that were not emotionally or physically healthy for you and your sister. Her choices are now impacting your family.

I can't think of what you could say to your Mom to make her suddenly see the light. As harsh as it may sound, at this moment it's your Mom or your family; their emotional and physical well-being should come first.

The pain in your letter is heartbreaking. Until you work out boundaries with your Mom nothing will change.

A., it won't be easy but who said life was easy? ^j^

Lots of great advice here already.

I think...You should decide where the line should be, talk it over with your hubby/SO, and spell it out for your mother when needed.

It really sounds like you should just plan on your mother not being of any assistance for your next baby. If she shows up (without a man in tow), love her and let her do what she's willing to. Reach out to friends to line up help with childcare, etc. for after you've given birth. (Much easier for you to make solid plans since you're a C-section.) :)

~E..

A.,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. My mother wasn't as extreme, but similar when we were younger. Something happened along the way that she doesn't talk about that made her change, but it didn't happen until I was almost out of the house.

Let me start by saying that I DO NOT think that you're being unreasonable in any way. From what you've described, it sounds like you mom has some obvious issues with men and how her brain was formed to thinking that she needs one, etc. I definitely agree that you need to protect your daughter first and foremost, and would not allow your mother to share pictures with of daughter, and I would not have your daughter meet them until you're comfortable with these other people. They very well could be great people, but they also might not be.

I can see why you doubt yourself, with the reality that you grew up in, but please know that you shouldn't ever doubt feeling the need to protect yourself and your daughter. You seem like a level headed person with good instincts, and you should absolutely always trust them! I've learned several times over again that my instincts are extremely reliable, especially when it comes to motherhood.

It's hard to know what to suggest on how to approach your mom with this to get her to understand, because I don't think she will ever understand. All I can suggest to you is to keep telling her that you love her, but you have to make the decisions for you and your family that you feel comfortable with and you hope that she can respect that, whether she agrees or not. I don't know that it will help, but I really think that's about all you can do. I hope she's able to see that enough to be there for you when you need help after your c-section. If not, hopefully you have someone as a backup that you can rely on.

I wish you all the best!

Well, first off, you guys have a very historically complex relationship that would be really really difficult to give level advice on from this request. So, acknowledging that I don't really know what I'm talking about, here goes:

You started off with a completely legitimate worry about your daughter, but then you did kind of degenerate into sounding a little jealous for your Mom's time. And my only point in saying this annoying thing is that it's best to pick your battles when you approach her and choose your manner of how you approach her so that she doesn't shut down and not listen to your concerns. Bringing up past hurts doesn't really focus on your daughter - it only serves a purpose if you really want to have in depth conversation about your childhood to get closure and for that I recommend a counselor to help mediate. So - I would focus on your daughter.

For example: "Mom, I love you and appreciate the things that you do for my daughter and me. I want you to be happy with your life and comfortable with or without someone. I truly hope that this guy from England works out and if it isn't with him, than I hope you find someone special that treats you the way that we all deserve to be treated. Now that I'm a mother as well and can reflect on the memories I want to help shape my daughter's own childhood, I am going to have to create a few new rules where she is concerned.

1-If you want to tell people you meet over the internet that you have a granddaughter, that's fine. But I do not want any photos of her sent to anyone I don't know over the internet. They could wind up anywhere for a predator to find and she deserves better than that.

2-My daughter will not meet someone until you have been dating them for an X amount of time and it will be in my presence. They will not hang out with them without either of her parents present until we say it's okay. We are her parents and it has everything to do with her safety and emotional well being and nothing to do with you."

If you focus on your daughter and make it all about her and stick to your guns, I think your point will be made. I know you are nervous about her helping you after the c-section. But, it isn't really her job to help you. And while it would be something you want and expect from your mom or good friend, it isn't fair to tell her she HAS to do anything. You are both adults now. What you can do is something like this:

"Mom, I'm really nervous about needing help with my daughter and not being able to pick her up. I'm afraid she will think it has to do with the new baby and not understand it's because of the surgery. You are important to all of us here and I hope you understand how much we have come to depend on you and will need you during this time. You are indispensable, Mom. Can I count on you to be there for us no matter what's going on in your dating life?"

Good luck - it can't be easy and certainly emotional. Best wishes.

A.,

Give me a minute to assimilate all that you wrote.

Okay.

First I'd like to stand up and applaud you for wanting to protect your daughter. You have every right to refuse your mother when it comes to sharing pictures of your little angel with total, random strangers. YOU do not know this guy. YOU have no idea what his intentions are. As sad as I am to say that, there are way too many sicko's around in today for *me* to feel comfortable with that idea.

It also sounds like your mom may, in some ways, be just as childish as your ex. Do you have others that are around to support and help you when your next child is due? If your mother is involved, I really wouldn't count on her to be there for you; although she should be.

I fully agree with you and what your plans are for protecting your daughter.

Supportively,
Melissa

Hi A....you are funny! I like you! I think we have the same sense of humor. Here's my two cents...noooooooooo you're not being unreasonable keeping your kid(s) away from strange men! Your number one priority is those kids, YOUR family. I think you just say "mom I love you, I hope this works out for you, but no." Maybe after some time passed and it looks like he does actually exist or have a "relationship" with you mom, it would probably be okay if you all met in a public place (like a big group dinner at Red Robin or something) but do NOT have him over to your house (or go to her house or whatever)...you already know all that. Sadly, I think your mom is trying to manipulate you with the whole "you're selfish" routine. She must know that on some level you think twice about those statements and that's why she uses them.

Have you taken a love and logic class? That stuff works on grown ups too! lol Just say "mom I will love you no matter how hard or easy you chose to make your life for yourself" and my personal favorite "I love you too much to argue."

Follow your gut...your mom's a big girl, you're not in charge of her life or happiness. Good luck!

L. H

PS married for 12 years and a sahm to 10 and 5 year old girls.

I would be super, super concerned if I were you. Your mother, I'm sure, loves you and your daughter, but there is more to loving people than just an emotion. She has a track record of not protecting you - and her behavior suggests that this will carry over to your daughter. So, it is your job to protect your child from these potential situations. I'm glad you already see that!!

I would suggest getting a firm commitment from your mother not to send pictures of your children on the internet, and if she refuses or does it behind your back - stop giving her pictures. (It may seem harsh, but this is your child and you deserve respect as her parent.)

Also, there is nothing wrong, even when someone is likely in a healthy relationship, of not wanting to get kids attached to a family member's boyfriend or girlfriend. My brother in law and his ex-wife had even made an agreement that if THEY dated someone, the relationship had to last at least six months before they would introduce the kids. That being said, you are well within your rights to say "Mom, I'm not comfortable, but, after you and this guy have been together, in person, for awhile, and I've gotten to know him and become comfortable, THEN my kids can get to know him."

Be firm about what you are comfortable with. If you offend your mom - she'll get over it. And, if she doesn't, it's more important that you keep your daughter (and unborn baby) safe anyways. You are being a great mom by even pondering these things and trying to keep your kids safe. Perhaps you using boundaries may teach you mother about them in the long run.

Best of luck to you!! Hugs for your beautiful kids!!

So much wonderful advice already.

I think Kirsten put it best in the beginning of her post. Your mom isn't capable of being "that mom" for you. She is the selfish one, and she knows it but won't openly acknowledge it. You can re-read your post and look at this woman's history and see it clearly--she's incapable of "snapping out of it" without some help at this point, which apparently she doesn't believe she needs.

I don't think you are selfish at all to ask her to be there for you, but I also think in your heart you know that there can't be any 'expectations' of it.

It's so hard with moms, isn't it? I love my mom dearly, and she is always so supportive of me, and has always prioritized us in her life... yet there are those things that I just struggle with. In her case, she surrounds herself (who has been married 36 years, very stable and financially secure) with people who are always ultra-dramatic. I think she sees them as wounded, and she can help treat them. When I don't have drama in my life (which is pretty much most of the time) she seems to not be as interested. It's something I've picked up on more as I get older.

Our relationships with our moms are so complex, and the patterns that develop sometimes ebb and flow and work themselves out, and other times (as in your case) we grow beyond their patterns and need to branch out and allow ourselves to grow. Your mom might not ever change, but you don't have to be "stuck" in that same pattern of dealing with her the same way, all the time.

The other thing to consider is this... do you want your daughters to grow up with the intimate details of her failed relationships?

Be happy you and your significant other have found each other, enjoy your new addition to the family! We're due literally any day now and have ZERO family nearby to help, just a few friends here and there. We know we can manage, even with a two year old!

Ok say it with me..."NOOOOO!" No mom I will not take pictures of you and my child so you can send it to your "friends" on the net. No mom I will not teach you how to print these pictures of. Does she not understand that someone can find out all the info on your child through simple conversations then abduct your child? That is what "some" people do and she doesn't seem like she is a good judge of character as it is. However these people dupe the best of us. Sending childrens pictures over the internet can be VERY dangerous! All discussion of your child should be off limits on the internet. Nothing about wether it be a boy or girl, how old, what city and or state your in, NOTHING absolutely nothing! She really has no clue if this "man" lives in England or right across the street! If this "man" does live in England, he is NOT going to come to the states to "visit" your mother. Why would he go fishing in another pond where there are plenty of fish in his own back yard? Unless she has something to offer him over and beyond what any other woman over there has to offer, this man is NOT coming here. The internet is just a "safe" place to have "fun" with out any real committment. Do not feel guilty for telling your mom NO! Your responsibility is NOT to your mother but to BE a mother. Do not feel bad or guilty for doing what you feel is right for your child.

Good luck to you and yours :-)

http://tech.yahoo.com/blogs/devlin/11228?comment_start=6&...

A.,
I think you are doing exactly what you are to do.... You should come first, your children and your family are what are important and you obviously saw something in your childhood (like me) that you said no way in hell will this happen with my kids or my adult life! Some people never grow up, not to be harsh... My mother usually choosed men over us kids, and when we told her something not good was going on , she said it was in our heads or just ignored it. She should for once, choose you over the next guy. I think you are very smart for not wanting her to show pics of your girls. You are not over reacting at all... I totally agree with you. However, you need to realize if she has done it before she is going to do it again. It is hard to hear about anyone you love. "you can not choose your mom or dad, however you love them cause they are your parents, you do not have to agree with what they do or say, but you love them cause they are your mom and dad". that is what I have lived by for a very long time. Also I learned from my mom that "A LEPORD NEVER CHANGES HIS SPOTS, THEY MAY CHANGE SHAPE, OR SIZE BUT THEY ALWAYS GO BACK TO THEIR ORIGINAL FORM" This is so true.... Well, love, good luck with your struggles... I hope I was to be some help... Keep your chin up, things always work out in the end. with or without her... sad to say but true
Yours truly,
a friend

You are right..your mother is making poor choices.

Don't expect her to change..she would have by now.

Find those who are supportive you must have other relatives or friends who would be better choice during this time. Take care.

I would be just as upset as you are. One time I responded for an ad for a room rental, and the guy said, "Oh, the last tenant I had slept with me for rent.... and you have a son, too?" Oh boy, that just made me sick to my stomach. What a creep.

Needless to say I was NOT interested in the room rental. YOU NEVER KNOW what (yes, I used that word on purpose) she has contacted on the other side of the internet. I would INSIST if I were you that she not send any pictures of your child to anyone.

Also, if your mother is completely unreliable as a person, there is no point in trying to rely on her now. I would just go on with my life, if I were you, and make friends who can support you - forget about her. My mother can not be relied on either, but it's no use trying to turn a stone into a turnip. People are what they are, and our wishing otherwise can't change them.

I've also had girlfriends that as soon as they get a man, they totally ignore every friendship they have ever had up to that point. It almost sounds like your mom is like that. These are friends that as soon as they leave, I go off in the opposite direction, because they were never friends or reliable in the first place, so I seek friendships with others that don't do that, and I never go back to that friendship again.

I know it really hurts to have someone like this in your life. However, you have to accept it for what it is, forgive, and forget, but don't trust her with your emotions, and from what you emailed, don't trust her with your children either.

Move on in your life, and as I said, choose positive people in your life that help you heal - maybe it's time to turn to God or to a church that can help you.

I would absolutely not give her any pictures to post. Child molesters look for women with children so they can have access to the child and at times the women are so desparate for the man's attention they are willing to sacrifice the child to get it. With a baby coming soon it might be tempting to let your daughter stay with grandma while you catch up on sleep after the baby comes. If there is a new man in grandma's life, I would search for some other solution.

Hi A.,

Like others have said, lots of stuff here. Your mother... well she was not a good mother to you, feel validated on that. I'm really sorry to hear that you suffered so much as a child. But you sound like you're doing pretty good despite the painful childhood.

As for this issue, try to step back a bit and not let her hook you into her drama and neediness. You can tell her that her new relationships are about her and this other person, and you feel that she needs to concentrate on them before involving your family. Meeting someone once or twice briefly is understandable, but it should be so that her date can meet her family, not to try to involve them in the relationship, until it's had time to get established. And you should be there.

Your mother obviously has a very unhealthy way of being in relationships. To be honest, before going to counseling with her, I would see if you can get her to go to a Codependents Anonymous meeting. As soon as she hears the characteristics and traits of codependents (don't focus on what is a codependent, for now), she will be able to see where she needs to do her work, and she will be able to identify unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships. www.coda.org. You might get something out of the CoDA meetings as the daughter of a codependent, who suffered from her codependence.

Best wishes.

Lots of issues in this post.
First, don't allow your childs photo to be used in any way that makes you uncomfortable.
Second, turn your mom onto this:

http://www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/channels/about/

It sounds like she really needs to attract the 'right' man, and that comes from working on herself first.

A., you've received 21 messages with very good advice. So I'll add a police officer's slant. You are very much right with the boundaries you have set!

1)tell your mother you do not want your daughter's picture on line! I'd guess she's already sent it and there is nothing you can about that now except to let your mother know in a firm way that you do not approve. Many pedophiles do find their victims on the computer. Even if her new "friend" is safe, others on the net are not!

I consider the possibility that he says he has a 10yo daughter because he's manipulating your mother. I also think it's quite possible he doesn't even live in England.

2)tell your mother that you wish happiness for her but you will not let your daughter be involved in this man's visit, if he visits. Pedophilia is the worst that could happen but there are other personality traits that you do not want to expose to your daughter. Anger, drama, desire to be overly involved, and just plain yukky stuff.

Also you do not want your daughter to make a connection with someone who IS GOING AWAY. He is here for a VISIT. He'll leave.

I suspect your mother wants your daughter involved because she is wanting to manipulate the situation. Nearly everybody loves a child.

I know it's very difficult to separate from our parents. However, separation is one of the big steps along the way to be an adult.

I suggest that you find ways to build up your own confidence. You are right on with your feelings and decisions about protecting your daughter. You have described your mother's past actions that show she does not make good relationship decisions. So trust your instinct.

You are feeling uncertain because you still have a dependant connection with your mother. She "needs" you and you "need" her. That's a given with the way that she has treated you and her continuing behavior of putting men first. You both want a good connection to replace the negative one that developed while you were growing up. We cannot go back and get the relationship we didn't have as children. We needed a good relationship as a child. Once we've become adults we can let go of that need by forming adult relationships. We will always miss the closeness that didn't happen with our parents. We can have closeness with other adults as an adult. We can be the adult in our relationship with our parents even tho they are still children. Find a way to feel good about yourself as an adult. Trust your instincts. Set boundaries that make your family of 3, soon to be 4, feel comfortable and safe.

Your mother is manipulating you. I suspect that because you see her so often you probably still have more of a child to child relationship with your mother. Yes, she's still a child. You are much more aware than she is. SO TRUST YOURSELF!

You will be able to get thru the birth of your new baby without her. I'd plan ahead. In fact, I'd tell my mother right now that it's OK whatever she does because you are now a mother and will take care of yourself.

This means that you need to find a way to not let her "hook you." or "push your buttons" Hey, it took me many years to even be aware of my mother's manipulations and then years to stop reacting. You are starting ahead of the game in that you can see her manipulations.

Trust yourself, focus on your family, let go of needing to be a part of your mother's life. I think you'll find that the less you need your mother the more available she'll be. Then YOU'llbe able to decide how much time you want to spend with your mother including setting boundaries such as you face with the picture and the visit.

By the way, if his story is true, I doubt that he'll visit, especially since he has a 10 yo. It's an expensive trip to just visit your mother. If he'd already planned to come to go to a touristy thing, such as Disney Land, yes, he may show up. I can think of no condition under which I'd allow my 4 yo daughter to be with him and his daughter.

I have had long term relationships with 2 different fathers over the years. I never met their children. We usually met at whatever city in which they had business. Your mother and this man are being unreasonable. I would wonder about him just based on his wish to put his daughter and your daughter together.

I have been professionally involved with a few personal meetings of people who have met on the Internet. They were never compatible. Yes, those are the kind I would see. Perhaps there are successful meetings. But I wouldn't take the chance by involving my daughter.

One of my ex-SO combined a vacation in Russia with meeting face to face with 3 women with whom he corresponded on the Internet. He came back disappointed. One decided at the last minute to not see him. He said he had nothing in common with the other 2. He enjoyed the trip and was not sorry to have gone. I think this illustrates that Internet friendships do not usually result in a long term relationship once the two meet each other.

If I were you I would consider your mother's info about him visiting as not realistic and put it out of your mind. If she continues to ask you, you can just continue to say no without making any other statement. If she keeps trying to convince you, tell her you will not discuss it anymore and if she persists leave her presence. This puts you in control and less apt to be manipulated by your mother.

I wish you success. A statement that has helped me over the years is to act as if I knew what I was doing until it became a reality. I also give myself positive affirmations such as I am getting stronger and stronger every day.

Hey A.:

first of all: there's probably nothing you can do to open your mother's eyes about those "relationships" she has.. She's a grown-up and has to figure it out herself I guess. However, you can shield your family from the bad influence. I would by no means allow her to send a picture of your daughter to this guy. If the guy actually comes visiting her, you have no obligations to invite him to your house. You can meet him at a "neutral" place, such as a cafe or restaurant, and get your own impression of that man.

Something else I noticed in your request: I guess you are about 27 years old (from all the dates you gave in your post), bust still you claim that your mom has a responsibility towards you to help you after the new baby arrives (congratulations on that!). Sorry, but you are as well a grown up and should find ways to get the support you need if your mom is unavailable. You can't just tell her that it's her responsibility to help you out. Find an alternative support system. You are not her little girl any more, so let her live her life, offer asvice at request, and just show her that she can't be such a large part of yours and your daughters' lives until she also grows up, gets more responsible and cleans her act up.

Cheers S.

Reading you request for help set off major red lights in the back of my head. From what you say about her and your past I would say:
don't depend on your mom for help
I don't think your selfish to ask her to help you
I think she's not mature enough to make the right choices for the safety of your daughter. She has proved in the past that she's not dependable and has made bad choices concerning herself and men in her life. She says she'll put a man above you, so I think you need to hear that and realize she still feels that way and not depend on her.
I wouldn't let a man she met on the Internet be involved in my child's life unless I met them, got to know him, and saw where the relationship with your mom and him is going.
Take care of your family and include your mom in holidays and Sunday dinners with your family, but don't ask her to take care of you and your child unless things change a whole lot.

Hey A.,
Congrats on your baby on the way, yay! I think you are right to be protective and should be. It seems that you are the responsible one in your mother/daughter relationship with your own mom! If she didn't see the abusive man she exposed her own daughters to in the past what makes you think she will have a better judgment this time when your daughter is at (potential) risk? It seems that the only thing on common with all those losers is your mom. Be strong and don't let her make you act like her! Good luck with your baby and too bad you don't want to know about VBAC, it could make your life easier and not harm your body and your baby. Wish you the best!

It is YOUR job to keep your children safe. And You are NOT over reacting.
It sounds like your mom should get into counseling. Can you make her see things.. NO.. It sounds like she thinks she needs a man in her life to have a life. Until she starts to look at things the right way, she will keep making bad choices.
As for you saying that you must meet the man first. This is the right thing to do.
You are going to have to stand your ground.
Good luck

It sounds like you and your Mother have a lot of issues, and that you have a lot of anger. Have you ever thought about trying to get your mother to go to counseling with you? It could help the two of you mend your relationship, and help each of you see and understand the other a little better, so the two of you could find some common ground. You need to protect your children at all costs, but don't let it cost you your mother, there has to be some middle ground, and right now she does not see it. Maybe a third party could help her understand your needs, and feelings, and can help you understand your Mothers needs a little better too.

Best of Luck