Desire for Another Baby, Will It Ever Go Away?

Updated on January 05, 2012
A.C. asks from American Fork, UT
21 answers

I have a wonderful husband and 3 beautiful children, ages 8, 6 and 3. I have been married for 10 years. I am so blessed and happy with my life, but I have an overwhelming feeling about wanting another child. I try not to think about it or worry about it, but the feeling won't go away. At this point in life, my husband doesn't want to have any more kids, but I want to have one more. I want to respect my husband and make him happy, but I am worried that if I move on and not have another baby, I will always wish that I would have. I have a cousin and neighbors who regret not having more kids and I don't want to live life in regret. Has anyone else had these feelings and how did you learn to deal with them?? Did they ever go away??

I need so help!

Thanks in advance :-)

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answers from Washington DC on

Is the desire to have another because you want to hold, carry, feed, change one? Or is it that you just LOVE buying all of the cute baby stuff? There is a difference.

There are several options that would help keep you and hubby both satisfied.
1. Foster parents. Becoming a foster parent is an amazing and challenging experience. There are no maternity clothes, baby weight, etc. and you help provide a loving family to a child who needs you. Also, the state pays a monthly stipend for clothing and support.

2. Join a 'baby' support group. I get my 'fix' by belonging baby support groups. Operation Homefront ( provides local baby showers for military families. Soldiers' Angels - Operation Top Knot provides virtual baby showers for the expecting wives of deployed service members.
I am the most active with Soldiers' Angels. Sometimes it drives hubby nuts, but he's understanding because all donations and costs are tax deductible!!

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answers from Detroit on

I am in a similar boat to you...28 years old, happily married, mom of 3 (7, 4 and soon to be 2!) I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mommy. I cry my eyes out watching baby shows, especially one born every minute. I always feel the ache inside for another baby...BUT

realistically, I know we couldn't handle another baby and I had permanent birth control done :( I too wonder if I'll ever stop feeling it.

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answers from Portland on

I just responded to a similar question earlier today. My thoughts apply as well to your query:

As an older woman, with most of my friends in their 50's or older, I can tell you a bit of their (our) experiences. I've known women who, before fertility treatments were available, made peace with having no children, and have lived happy, rewarding lives. I have known mothers and fathers who, in spite of genuinely loving all their children, still regretted intensely the particular challenges one or more brought into their families. I've known families whose fortunes changed unexpectedly, creating very difficult hardships for parents and children alike. I've known parents who have lost children to birth defects or accidents, or who lost a spouse to death or divorce and suddenly had a whole new dynamic to adjust to. There is really no guarantee that any course we choose, or that chooses us, will be satisfying in the ways we hope.

And of course, that craving you are feeling is built into women. Even some who have chosen never to give birth can be at least temporarily caught in those deep longings, those "what if's?" Mother Nature has designed us to want babies in spite of all the risks and difficulties, and most of us do, at least some of the time. I've known women who have had baby after baby, always finding themselves longing for just one more. I have even found myself wishing for another grandbaby on occasion, now that my grandson is 6 (it's not gonna happen, and I am happy with that, too).

But physical or emotional craving is a common part of life for all humans. Consider all the other things in life that we must necessarily deny ourselves – food when we need to lose weight; sleep when we are ill or nursing an infant; time off work when when we're broke; the list is long. Making peace with all these often contradictory longings is simply a part of life. And the good news is that, among all the older women I have known, all of us have made peace with periodic baby cravings and found joy in however many children we have had. This includes a wonderful woman who would have made a great mom, who tried for decades to conceive, and who has become an honorary aunt to a couple of generations of other people's children.

So I hope you come to a doable and happy conclusion for you. If it turns out that another pregnancy isn't wise, or isn't possible, I hope you'll work toward accepting reality, which will be your happiest choice no matter how many children you have.

One other concern that I hope you'll weigh along with the others is whether Earth can continue to support the 7-billion-and-growing-fast population. (This was my main reason for stopping with only one child in the 1970's, when the population was much smaller.) There are already signs of social and environmental stress that fewer and fewer thoughtful adults are able to pretend has nothing to do with population growth. And it seems to me that every child we bring into the world who is raised with the expectation of having three or more of their own children adds to the pressures exponentially.

So I have a plea for women who are in the "maybe" camp – consider that those adorable babies may be fighting to preserve what's left of their environment by the time they grow up. Or competing for the dwindling resources that are left. There are already heavy burdens of pollution and depletion of the planet we all must call home. It's something to consider carefully, for the good of all living beings, including the kids we've already birthed.

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answers from Eugene on

A soul is looking to come to you. When I was 35 years of age I called that soul and told it I could not have it. "Come to me as a grandchild". I still longed.
One day when my daughter was in her 20's she told me she was pregnant. Her son is the child of my dreams and longing. He's a wonderful person. His Mission here on earth is secure. He was born with a Gordian Knot in his cord.
Tell the soul that is looking for you why you can't bring her/him to earth and ask them to come as your grandchild. Then you can be together.

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answers from Portland on

There is a biological clock ticking in most women. I longed for a baby for years. Eventually, around 50 the longing went away. The longing became weaker from 40 on.

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answers from San Antonio on

I still have feelings of wanting another. I look at our life and I know logically that this is a great time for us and having another would impede (for lack of a better way of saying it) on all the fun things we get to do with our kids now. (For instance, I went to TSO with my oldest and we've vowed that next year we're all going! In February, the whole family is going to Blue Man Group. We also go to the movies whenever we want. We don't need a sitter anymore if DH and I want to go out. Things like that.) In addition, I've started a bakery and am going back to school double majoring in Culinary Arts and Bakery/Pastry Arts. Plus, DH had a vasectomy.

Even with all that, I have this deep need to have another child. I have had this for years! It doesn't go least not yet. My husband and I have talked about adopting and he's 75% sure he wants to...but he wants to wait a few more months to see how things are then.

I'll be honest, the feeling may never go away. It may lessen. Maybe it will go away. It's different for everyone.


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answers from Dallas on

I had my first at 30 and my last at 38. My son turned one last week, so I now have a one year old, a four year old and an eight year old. I am 39 years old. It is with very little regret that I am getting rid of the baby items, swing, etc, as my son outgrows them. I always wanted three kids, and they are here and wonderful. I am DONE! I am enjoying the baby years, but I am also looking forward to traveling without bottles and diapers and being able to do things as a family, like skiing and rafting and lots of other things we can't right now because they are so small. I have and will always love babies. If the baby urge hits in a few years, I will get a puppy, but for now the urge is not here, and that is fine.

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answers from Seattle on

In all honesty, it WON'T go away for longer than a year or two (hormones) until you're too tired to have anymore (screw the hormones)... and then it will come back again.

This is from all the women in my life who are grandmothers. And then you start wanting grandbabies, who -I hear- you actually end up loving even more than your own children.

I only know I decide almost 10 years ago no more pregnancies/babies... and I STILL get babycravings every 2 years like clockwork. It lasts for about 6mo. Getting a puppy nixed round 2 of babycravings (when my son was 5) like a nuclear bomb. From full on baby-baby-baby to normal in about 2 weeks. Ahhhhh. Unfortunately the past two I haven't been able to scratch the itch on, or I'd end up the catlady, or overrun with a pack of dogs.

I liked to blow off my mum, aunts, grandmothers about many things when I was younger, but the older I get, the more and more I realize I'd better listen up.

So I've got about another 20 years of babycravings to go, unless my son starts having kids, and then it will be grandbabycravings!

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answers from Chicago on

No, I don't think it ever goes away completely. My husband wanted to stop after two kids (even though we had previously agreed to 3-4). I had always wanted three kids, and felt incomplete. After a couple of years of talking to him, begging him, crying to him, dream came true. I now have my three beautiful kids and should feel fulfilled and complete, but I find myself wondering what a fourth would be like! In my mind, I know our family is complete. We do not have space in our house or car for another baby. We are at capacity in every way, but that twinge of longing is still there. My mother is 62 and told me that she regrets not having more and still longs for more even though she is a grandmother. I sure hope mine goes away by then!

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answers from Minneapolis on

I have 3, ages 6, 5 and 3. My husband has a vasectomy scheduled for the end of January... we just had a big heart to heart over the holidays. We both would love to have one more... but, we are not going to. I'm 39 and we worry about the health of the baby and me (although I'm pretty sure it'd all turn out fine, it's something to think about). I worry about being exhausted and not being a good parent to my other children... I've been enjoying not changing diapers, having a full night of sleep. I worry that the youngest would miss out on babyhood, the oldest wouldn't get to do what his friends are (because of baby schedule). I worry about finances, although my husband thinks we'd be fine... babies and kids are expensive.... and I also worry about global warming, the economy, and adding another person to our world. SO much to think about...

But - still I long for another. I doubt it will go away... :(

BUT my SIL is due in April. I'll just plan on "stealing" her baby when I need a fix. I hope that her kids (she plans to have 2) and mine will be close cousins.

And - I'm trying to focus on what we can do now that we are past the baby phase... go out and leave them with a sitter (I never left my babies for the first year), go for a weekend away, take the kids places I couldn't when I had a baby - we are planning our first big car trip this spring (to Florida) and I am SUPER excited about that. Focus on the positive. You have three healthy babies, focus on that. That's what I"m trying to do.


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answers from Chicago on

I guess it depends on your age and where you are at emmotionally and financially. My GF just had twin girls and oh the feeling of trying for one more to see if I get a second girl to have two of each. which would make 4 kids for me. I am at a place where my youngest is 2 next week. I have sold many of the baby items and will be donating more.
The other night we wanted a date night and the scrambling to find a sitter so we could go out. I think it becomes harder with more kids. I think its the realization that while I can still have more the idea that were done is what is the true issue. I know I am rambling here but for me time with my husband is so important. The more kids the more time and money. If your DH doesn't want more why?
Do you honestly want to go through the sleepless nights again? I don't know how your pregnanices were but think about being pregnant and having to care for three older children. ugh....

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answers from Denver on

As soon as I suspected I was pregnant the desire went away and hasn't returned even as we near the lo's fourth birthday. Hope you find a good solution!

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answers from Amarillo on

The desire takes time but it does fade away. I wanted another child but I knew that I would be the one who would have to do all the work as hubby was active duty and we were stationed overseas and this would have been my third.

I did a lot of volunteering with little children to get my "fix" and then I could go home to my two bigger ones and know that I had made the right choice. I do enjoy my solid 8 hours of sleep and not to be disturbed. I knew that I was finished when we babysat a friend's 6 month old who was used to sleeping in the bed with mom and dad. He was a pain in the rear because of not wanting to be in a separate area and not going to sleep when he was over tired.

Now I look forward to the grandchildren to come. My grandson is now 14 and I missed the younger years with him but I am enjoying him as a teen with all teh drama and problems.

There is regret but I also know that my health issues later in life made it impossible for anymore and I had made peace with that. I was glad not to have a period that continued for several months until surgery was done. It was the best thing to happen in my life no more bleeding.

I have had a puppy or two to quell any more babies in the house. Right now I have a cat that was a kitten who needed me when she was on her last legs at about 6 weeks old. We have a bond that is very strong and that is special since this is the only cat I will ever have. When hubby goes to hospital I can leave the cat home for several days which you can't do with a dog. Enough said.

Do what you must but remember to weight everything -- the cost of an extra child physically, financially, and emotionally on all in the house. Your other children my resent the new addition. So do think long and hard about it.

Good luck and have a happy year.

The other S.

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answers from Denver on

I JUST posted something similar today....

I am trying to figure this out myself. My issue is a bit different. Hubby is on board, but we would require a vasectomy reversal to have one. But still this feeling is very strong. My question was mainly is this something all women go through?? Not sure how old you are, but I can't help but feel that maybe, just maybe my need might be more related to moving into the next phase of life and knowing baby making years are behind me....

I wish us both luck!!! I will say however if my hubby was against it, I would just move on. But his support is kinda throwing me for a loop. He said he doesn't want any more, but also doesn't want me to live with any regret! I do have a feeling that the regret might eat me alive..... {sigh}

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answers from Great Falls on

I too feel the longing sometimes still and my youngest is 6. It has lessened as he has gotten older. I know though that as women, we have a strong desire to create, love, nurture and in our child bearing years these feelings are best exemplified through our children--especially a baby. However, I am learning for me, that those strong feelings have been a desire to "give birth" to something else--as in new hobbies, activities, etc. For some, it is a new job. But there is also just a need to feel valued as a mother, which always happens with a newborn. I'd suggest journaling for awhile, exploring your feelings, writing down or noting when the feelings come and if you desire anything else "new" in your life. Certainly blessings to you if you have more kids! But if you don't, know that as women, we obviously birth children, but we can also "birth" ideas, activities, businesses, etc. Congratulations on wherever you go! Life is an adventure and fun!

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answers from Washington DC on

For some, I don't think the desire ever goes away. I just had baby #3 and looking at my baby, already 3 months old, and seeing how time flies by, I so want to have that infant again and it is hard that it is my last one. I realize that it would not be good for anyone in our family to have another baby. And as they get older and start fighting, sometimes the urge fades. I think only you can decide the right amount of kids for you, but sometimes you have to look at the big picture and realize that even though you want more, it may not be for the best.

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answers from Salt Lake City on

Oh, I just want to hug you. I know exactly what you're feeling. For 2 1/2 years after I had my fourth, I cried weekly, thinking I would never have another because my husband was done (#4 was colicky and cried non-stop for 14 months--she was VERY difficult). Logically, we shouldn't have more because of how difficult she still is, how poor we are, how much kids cost, etc. But I was so afraid that the desire would NEVER go away. I didn't want to cry for 10 more years, yet I wanted to agree with my husband, because he was right--having another was absolutely a crazy thing to do. I feel like I begged and pressured my way into another even though I was honestly trying to take his side. Finally he told me he could tell it wasn't going to go away for me and now I'm expecting my fifth. What I'm afraid of now? Five won't cut it. Will I always want just one more? I've talked to plenty of ladies who said they "just felt done/complete" Well, I didn't feel that way and I WANTED to.
I could go on and on but maybe I'm not being helpful...If you are a praying woman, start there. Good luck.



answers from Phoenix on

I've always felt the same way. The feelings started going away as I got older. I had a baby at age 32 and stopped feeling the desire. Then I had one at 39 (surprise!!) and the desire for more is definately gone! But in my 20's the desire was always so strong even though my pregnancies were very difficult with hyperememsis and alloimmune thrombocytopenia. Maybe you can talk to your husband and if he sees that this is very important to you, he'll change his mind. Good luck!



answers from Appleton on

Not for me and I'm 57 and the factory is closed :-) . I love holding newborns I could sit and hold a newborn all day and night.

Luckily the grandchildren started coming along and I got my baby fix.

But.. don't hold this in. At least express your feeling to your hubby. Even if you can't come to an agreement he needs to know how you are feeling.



answers from Louisville on

I wanted more babies but it just isn't a smart idea for me. So much money.

I think if you cannot get the feelings out, think about the money part.



answers from Provo on

I look at it from a religious perspective. (I don't know if you're religious or not, but I hope you don't mind). In my experience especially with my first two children I felt really really strongly that it was time to have a baby, and in both cases I was right. For example, my first son was born just in time for him and his father to bond for 10 months of our sons life before my husband was deployed to Iraq for 20 months (yes, almost two years!) and when Daddy came home, they picked up their relationship like he had never left. It was truly miraculous. I wondered why those feeling were so strong at the time, but now I completely understand. That little baby was meant to come to our family at the exact time that he did. I am now pregnant with my fourth, and although I didn't exactly plan this one, I feel that it is the right time for this baby to come into our lives as well, as with our other two children. I feel very strongly that God will not give us those feelings of desiring to have a child unless there is a reason for a baby to come into our lives, or at least a reason to learn some important lesson from it (even if we don't end up getting pregnant). I also believe that if there is another child supposed to come to our family that God will absolutely make it possible for everything to work out for the best...financially, emotionally, physically, etc. For me it's really about faith, and listening to my feelings. I could never dismiss the feeling of knowing there is another child meant to be a part of our lives. It's something that is too sacred to mess with. Yes, we have our agency, but God will help everything work out the way it's supposed to if we let him guide our lives and if we listen to him.

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