Deployed Dad Confusion

I had a daycare family with Colonel Daddy deployed for a year. Little boy was almost 2 years old till almost 3 years old.

Mom got him 2 Daddy dolls (one for home and one for daycare). They were GREAT! Here at my house, he talked to the doll (like it WAS daddy), sang him songs, read him books, slept with him, etc. I encouraged this heavily. Colonel Daddy Doll (thats what the rest of the kids called it) did story time with us, sat at the pic nic table while we played outdoors, etc. Some days he was more present in the play and in little boys arms, other days he stayed on the shelf nearby, but always was in the nap bed and part of circle time and roll call song.

I also had a book I got from a military thing I used to volunteer for. I helped watch young kids while parents did the Readiness classes before deployment and for the return events as well (when soldiers gather at the 30/60 days post return). At one of those events, they were handing out books and since I had my own upcoming deployment with a client I snagged one. It basically went like this "Over there, my Daddy (or mommy, there was a mommy version as well) does_____ just like I do at home".

So each page showed the soldiers doing every day things like playing with their friends (basketball game for them, and a daycare sort of setting for the kid), and sleeping (daddy in a bunk, and kid in his bedroom), brushing teeth, eating,etc. My daycare Mom loved this book so decided to take pictures of Daddy doing some of this stuff before he left and laminated them and put them around the house so her little man could see them.

I guess he would talk to daddys picture (of him with his toothbrush in hand smiling at the camera while standing in their bathroom), while he was in there brushing his own teeth, Another of daddy in his bedroom sitting in the rocking chair with a book, etc. She probably had a dozen around the house and some in the car. She had a small flip book of pictures for him in the diaper bag and one to keep in the car. Pictures were major with them and helped alot.

After Daddy deployed he took some pics of those simple things...brushing his teeth, eating, etc and emailed them to mom for the new flip book to have him compare. To see that daddy is still doing regular things, even tho hes far away working. Those were the things a child that young could understand.

Such simple things with some planning and they made such a HUGE difference!

There were so many changes in that year while he was gone. No more nuk (he was addicted), potty trained, big boy bed, no more sippy cups, etc, etc...but technology and comfort and "talking" to daddy all the time (thru the doll and skype) kept them more connected then I ever thought possible!

Best of luck!!

Good advice from all. I'll just add one thing:

Have your dh (not you) pick out a few things that he really loves. I'm not taking priceless keepsakes or irreplaceable items, but maybe his favorite movie CD, the iPod he wears when he goes for a run, or his favorite necktie, or the glass he drinks beer from on the weekends, or his comfy slippers -- something that would be very familiar to your dd. Something she would know "oh, daddy always wears that" or "daddy loves that". Have your dh give it to your dd to keep safe for him, and together they can decide on a safe place to keep it (her dresser, or a shelf, or in a box). Have your dh stress to her that he's just leaving for work and that he is glad she can take good care of his favorite slippers or whatever, while he's gone. Having a tangible thing to keep, a thing that she knows Daddy wouldn't live without, may reassure her that he does indeed live there.

My kids were little when my dh deployed several times and I made sure to keep things in the house as they always were. Yes, I was tempted to re-arrange things (now that he's not here I can finally put the couch where I want it, instead of where he wants it) or to get rid of stuff (finally! I can toss that ratty old t shirt he wears when he mows the lawn), but showing the kids it was life as usual (I'll keep that ratty shirt and fold it nicely) reassured them that daddy was still daddy.

Three-year-olds haven't gotten themselves straight yet about life. They're struggling hard to put it all together. (Come to think of it, so am I.) They're not sure what's real and what's make-believe; that's why some books and movies and even thoughts scare them. That's also why they have such great imaginative play!

When my older son was three or maybe a little younger, we used to drive past a derelict old fast-food building every day. One day we drove past and the building was in the process of being torn down. I happened to glance at him in the rear view mirror, and his face was white. He hadn't realized that buildings could be demolished! It really shook him up. We had some interesting conversations.

Is there a way your husband can send messages every day (if he can't go on Skype every day) from his training, to say, "Here I am, and I love you"? Also, enlarge some good clear pictures of Daddy on the printer and put them around the house at child-eye level. Write on them (even though your daughter can't read yet), "Daddy lives here, and he will come home."

How do daddies leave? Some leave to go to the store, and they come back in an hour. Some go off to their work and come back every night or every week. Some are across the world, and we look on the calendar and count the days before they come home. Some move to another house because the daddy and mommy aren't married any more, but that isn't going to happen to your daughter's mommy and daddy. Mommy and Daddy want to stay married, and they will always, always be there for their children.

MY son in law was deployed for about a year and at the time my granddaughter was too young to really understand. However before Brad left he recorded himself reading bed time stories and the night before he left he gave her a "Daddy doll" she carried with her everywhere. The doll was totally cloth dressed in uniform. The face was designed for you to slide Daddy or Mommy's picture into.

At first people thought it was strange for a little girl to carry around an Army doll but when they realized the doll was her link to her Daddy everyone promoted the idea. While he was over there he as able to skipe with my daughter more often than we though was possible.

Good luck to you. I hope sharing some of our expereince help you while your hiusband is away.

I have heard about using paper chains and tearing the links off to mark time. This works well for kids because they can visually see the time getting shorter and shorter. It is recommended to make a paper chain with one link for each week (This way it is not overwhelming like days would be). Take an event that happens once a week for you (going to church, a dance class, Saturday morning cartoons etc.) and befor or after that event, she gets to rip off one link to symbolize one week shorter. You can keep reminding her that the chain used to be so long, but every week it gets shorter and shorter, until Daddy comes home.

Also check out www.flatdaddies.com

Has anyone connected you with military one source or family readiness yet? Let me tell you they have a plethora of material that can help connect your little one and his father while deployed from books you can read about the deployment, activities for dad and child to do while separated. Depending where he goes you can skype too but make sure you still send snail mail pics, notes ect. To prepare have your spouse read bed time stories and record them. If you don’t have one yet the px/ bx has a solider bear you can give your son to hold onto. They can sew the patches on that are similar to your husband as well as make it a dog tag. Oh and if your husband is guard or reserve make sure you go to the yellow ribbon events cause they hand out a TON of info for the entire family.

Can Dad record some videos before he deploys? Then you could play them for your son...... he could be doing just normal stuff around the house, so the surroundings are familiar, but he could be "talking" to your daughter?

Also - there are these 'read along' books.... So, basically the book has a recording device and you record yourself "reading" the book. Then when you and your daughter "read" the book it will be his dad's voice. I saw a commerical on TV and it looked really sweet. I saw them (I think at Hallmark) and there are like 3 different ones.

Can you get a globe and show your daughter how far away daddy's work is? That's why he can't come home at night, but when he's finished with work he'll come home?

The last suggestion.... Not sure if your daughter is into Build-A-Bear.... but they have a recordable device. You could have him sing (or whatever) in the recording device and then they put the device inside the bear's heart. It's actually quite sweet. Maybe they could go together and do that before he leaves and then she would "remember" the bear and it would be daddy's voice talking to her or whatever.

The good news..... is at 3 they don't really have any concept of time.... so a month might as well be 6 months or 2 days or an hour.
The less YOU can let your emotions show, the easier it will be for her to adopt a 'yeah, he'll come home soon" attitude.

Good Luck and Thanks to your husband for his service.

Call Military One Source https://www.militaryonesourceeap.org/achievesolutions/en/... They are a huge support system for all branches of service and the families!!! You didn't state what branch your hubby is with but you should be having a pre deployment brief that will give you contact info for your FRA/FRG/Ombudsman............In the mean time, make sure your hubby's Framily readiness plan is up to date, you have POA (even special POA for IPAC), and have most of the what if's covered.
In the mean time, while he is deployed, keep her active. Make a paper chain, you write something she did every day on a slip and add it to the chain to hang around the house. Have her draw, write etc for care packages you send. This age is just a hard time for deployments anyways so try not to make a big deal out of it and it will be fine. My hubby did 13yrs with the Marine Corp and I was heavily involved with Family Readiness and MCFTB (Marine Corp Family Team Building) so if you need any tips or advice please feel free to message me.

S.

I have no experience with this but is it possible to help her to understand that Daddy's job isn't like other people's jobs? Daddy's job is to help protect the country we live in? Maybe show her a map of the US, show her the state you live in and then show her how big the rest of the country is. Explain that Daddy and everyone else he works with is guarding the whole country. I don't know if that will help. That's a tough age to explain both the situation your neighbor is in and anything military. Please thank your husband for his service to all of us. I'll sleep a lot better knowing he's on duty. Hugs to you for your sacrifice too. I can't imagine being away from my husband for any length of time.

Have somelse talk to her.

As a military spouse, I highly recommend a Sesame Street DVD called "talk, listen, connect" which is an Elmo video about Dad having to go away for "lots & lots of days." My kids, now ages 3 & 6 LOVE this video, and I do too actually.

http://archive.sesameworkshop.org/tlc/

We have a Family Support Center that offers all of these kinds of DVDs, books and other resources. Hopefully you have a similar option.

We don't do a calendar or paper chain, but use a jar of M&Ms and take one out each night. They love that!

Finally, we love having Dad read books (just via a small digital recorder) while I hold the book and kids turn the pages. Good luck to you!

Would it help if you were able to Skype or FaceTime with him so he could also tell your daughter he is coming home? Getting a consistent message from both of you might help! Also showing her that all his stuff is still there? Clothes in the closet, etc. good luck! Thank your husband for his service!