Demoting Godparents?

A "Godparent" is NOT the same thing as a "Legal Guardian." Legally speaking. What you wish for, and what is legally binding, are 2 different things, unless it is legally put down on paper, regarding WHO has the 'legal" rights to the children, if their parents are no longer around. If a Legal Guardian is not established, then the courts can decide, for example, who gets your children. Being a "Godparent" does NOT give them any "legal" rights over your children. But a "Legal Guardian" does.
And you can research this online.

The Ultimate priority... is the care of your children by whom you/Hubby feel is best... and with their knowledge you are choosing them.

You are good to re-evaluate this. Many do as the years go by.

Do what you feel is best, in your heart, for your children. Bottom line.

Naturally, they might feel dissed. But well, they have not been present in your children's lives nor shown any interest or responsibility toward them. They do not fulfill the role of a legal guardian. Or maybe, they don't know what a "Godparent" is.
Have you discussed it with them?
But again, ULTIMATELY, it is you/your Hubby who gets to decide. Not them.

You either do what is best for them (the in-laws), or what is best for your children and family and who will care for them BEST, and by YOUR wishes for them... should that time come in the future.
But again, everything has to be put down on paper legally... in a will or trust etc.
You should get a lawyer to make one for you/Hubby, your kids.

The bottomline is, you do NOT sacrifice your kids well-being... for fear of hurting other's feelings. It may irk the in-laws... but WHO is the priority here?
Again, re-evaluating the course of your children's lives & who will be BEST to care for them... is not a "wrong" thing to do. Caring for them, and caring ABOUT them... are hand-in-hand, and with what your/Your Hubby's wishes are for them, in the future.

So, you need to choose 2 things: (1) a "Godparent" for religious events, and (2) a "Legal Guardian" for who actually gets your children and cares for them.
Consult a Lawyer to do it correctly, and legally.

All the best,
Susan

First, let me start by saying that there is big difference between legal guardians and godparents. The role of the godparent is to look out for the child's religious upbringing. It has nothing to do with guardianship in the event of death of the parents. That's the legal guardians. These people can of course be the same, but they don't have to be. My sister has 4 kids, none of them have the same godparents, but they all have the same legal guardian if something happens to her and my BIL.

That said, you don't have to demote them as godparents, but you can certainly change the legal guardian. Explain to them that now that there is more than one child, it makes more sense for her to be the guardian, since her children are grown, and they are still trying to start their family, it might be easier for her.

I don't think this is really that big of a deal, and if they aren't that involved with the child, they may not mind all that much anyway. But you have to be comfortable and confident in your choice about who is caring for your child.

best of luck,

Andi

This is one of the hardest things I think a parent must decide. Who would be great parents in the event something would happen to you and your husband. I think it would be a MISTAKE to not talk to the brother about how you feel. I say this because when my mother died when I was child the family got into a war about who had custody of myself and my siblings. People are not the same in the event of death no matter who you think they are when you are alive. So what I am saying is if the brother thinks he is the legal guardian he may fight what is in the will. Everyone in your family should know who you are leaving your children to, so that there is no question about it. I know it is hard and you do not want to hurt anyone, but you want to ensure the best for your children.
As far as godparents vs. guardian that is your choice. We have named our godparents as our legal guardians. We feel that they are the best people for our children spiritually as well as possible future guardians.
So as a child that has gone through a horrible custody ordeal please ensure your children have a safe and happy home to go to. My sister, brother, and I are still repairing our relationship from this ordeal over 20 years later. I hope this helps and good luck with your decision.

Hi Jae! The most logical think to do would be to talk to the current legal guardians and let them know that you expect them to be involved in your family's lives. If they are not interested, let them know that you will be switching legal guardianship to your sis in law.

Your last sentence is a key thought and makes total sense! You have to do what is right for your kids and not worry about hurt feelings.

May you and your family have LONG and vibrant lives!!!

We have two children. Each have different godparent's. A godparent is someone who watches out for them in life and makes sure they say guided towards "God". If something happened to both of us the godparents would step into to guide our children spiritually and make sure they are being taken care of the way we would want. They are in NO way guardian's of our children. My kids Grandma and Papa have that duty. Please keep the original godparents for your son and give your new child new godparents. Hopefully, things will get better with your family. In the meantime perhaps you and your husband need to take a step back and figure out "why" this is happening. Obviously, there is something bothering them. Keep pushing until you find an answer, if not for yourselves, but for your son's sake.

Good luck.

Hello, Being a Godparent does not give someone legal guardianship of a child. Let them continue to be the Godparents of your first child and have your sister-in-law and her husband be the second one's Godparents and if she is so involved and wants the responsibility assign them as guardians in case of your death.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

You don't really need to tell them to change your will. The guardain appointment in the will is also really only a suggestion to the court, from what I understand (although I think the court honors it unless there are problems or it is contested), and the named guardians have the right to decline once the will is going through probate. In other words it is not a binding contract. So you should change your will to who you are comfortable with - your kids are the most important people here to consider. And at some point if it come up just mention to them that, because the sister is so close to your kids, you decided it was best for the kids to go with her should something happen.

I think you should go with your first instinct which is to change your will and not let them know. also, go through with the new godparents at the baptism. I am sure no one is going to go up to you and say , aren't we suppose to be the godparents?

Hi Jae,

I think really you know what's the best thing to do. You are right on about not wanting your children to have to go to people that they barely know and have shown little interest in them. I know that you don't want to offend anyone, but your children are the most important people. Your sis sounds like the kind of person you'd (I'd) want to have in that position. I think if you do make the change you should be upfront with all involved, as hard as that will be.

Well, best wishes with this and congrats on the new baby coming!

Honesty is always the best policy.

Sit down and explain the difference between a legal guardian and godparent. I would let them know your plans for the future and explain why.

Regardless of how distant they have been, they are still human beings and may actually be very confused and quite devastated in the event that something were to happen to you, and they are ready to step up and take the kids.

It just seems really unkind to not tell them in advance.

My understanding is that godparents have a role separate from a legal guardian. The godparents are to raise the child in the religion of choice should the parents pass away. This does not mean they need to raise and care for them. Their job is a religious one.
I would definitely change the will to the sister and if you would like her to be one of the godparents for the second child, that is great.
If you want to let the brother know the will has been changed to a relative the children have great trust in, go ahead. If not, they will find out if you should both pass away.

I wouldn't make a big announcement. Just change your wills to reflect the new guardian(s) and leave it at that. Should something happen, I am sure they will not be surprised or upset to discover the change, given their lack of involvement in your child's life.

since they act as the do why are you so concerned about them change god parents they will find ouy when it happens good lulck on your new one i have 4 children and 8grandchildren im now 85years old may you live as least as long relax and dont worry so much ad no hills just make shure your children learn to love eacher and are good people

Hi Jae,
Technically, a godparent doesn't mean "legal guardian" and vice versa. If it were me, I wouldn't mention a thing to them. When baby #2 is born, I would ammend your will or trust and make the sister the legal guardian of both children should anything happen to you and your husband. (Actually, you can do that now and deem any living child or future children to go to the sister.)

I also would stop mentioning the term "godparents" or "godchild" in front of your son and let the matter drop. You don't need to "fess" up to absolutely anything. The situation has changed, and you are doing what would be best for your children. I can guarantee if you tell the brother and his wife that you are changing your wills, that will only lead to hard feelings and an uncomfortable situation going forward (whether they still feel the same about being godparents, or not) and who needs that? :)

just a thought.....my assumption, as you've never gone thru infertility is that you tend to avoid people that are pregnant, overtly kid directed, and brand new babies.......you can always ask the sis in law if you offended her is some way.....
also, Godparents is a religious title....it's to steer your children towards God..not legal guardian....they are entirely seperate issues..
you can keep them as godparents and simply amend your will/trust etc to whomever you choose
I could be wrong...but think for a moment from their perspective...

Ok, here is the issue as I see it. If you set these people down and tell them that you don't want them as God parents anymore you will offend them. And you don't want to offend. Of course, they could bully the judge to get one of your kids and separate them from other siblings if you don't confrount them but who cares, you will be dead and not offending them, instead your kids will have to live in seperate homes... but you won't know so who cares (this is based on actual legal proceeding that of when dad died and mom was in a coma for 2 years... and later woke up to find out that just because she didn't want offend someone (hubby had become a alcoholic but the wife was a lovely lady) she had one kid with one family and 4 kids living with another. Great fun on her part to reintergrate her family!)

Of course Hub's sis might let it be known to Hubs bro and if you don't tell them yourself... well what a nice mess you have on your hands! Or they could be one of those uber nice couples that would just let them have your 1st born to raise because they don't want to cause a rift in the family... which of course would foil all your plans...

Personally I would tell them that you intend on having more kids after this and don't want the family seperated. Also explain that since your child sees this person every few days he has a great rapor with her and that she knows all of the developmental things he is going trough and how discipline is being carried out (something that they have no clue about!).

If you decide to keep it in name only and not confront them then you need to send a certifed letter with recipt to teh intended guardian every year at least and to at least 2 other people that you know well and would care to know where these kids are going if something happened to you (we do this with grandparents but of course if you don't want these things known you can't tell them...)

I personally tell all family every year who I want to get my kids. I tell my sisters, my parents, my SILs and BILs, my MIL and FIL, my cousins, his cousins, and every child over 13 in both familys. I figure someone will remember. I also blog about it.

I might be extreme but my mom is an estate planning lawyer and I grew up with all sort of stories on how someone could have cased less heart ache in their family if they had just SAID something before they died!

Jae, I know people that have "godparents" that are different for each of their children, so I see nothing wrong with having sis be the godmother, not bro. Also I would just change the will to sis without telling bro. If hubby won't talk to his bro about this situation then why should you. These are your children we are talking about and you should get to choose who you want to raise them if something happens to you and your hubby. Good luck and God Bless you and your family.

Jae, if they cannot give your son the respect of celebrating his birthday or Christmas then I do not feel they deserve the respect of being told they are not longer your children's god parents. Do what is best for your kids and your family unit. If they ask, then be honest. If not, then they would not find out until gosh forbid you and your hubby passed away and then you'd already be gone so you wouldn't have to deal with it anyway! (Hee Hee)

This is a true dilemma. My other half and I recently drew up our wills and had to think long and hard about who should be our son's guardian should the unthinkable happen.

Given the difficulty your bro-in-law and his wife are having conceiving, it is understandable I suppose that they have other things on their mind than your kid(s). It's possible they have wondered how to get out of the responsibility they took on (perhaps without realising the gravity of it).

An ethicist would probably advise you to bring it up with them, politely and respectfully, rather than let them deal with the surprise.

The other thing worth thinking about is that they might never have kids. This is the unthinkable for them, but I personally did not want anyone who was not a parent to be my son's guardian. Naturally this would not be the reason you cite if and when you bring up the topic with them, but it's a good enough reason to change your wills, in my opinion.

Best of luck!

Hi When we changed ours, we didn't and haven't told the orignal godparents and when we changed was w/ our second and i did just a verbal ok w/ the new godparents to make sure they wanted the job if something would happen to my husband and I. We changed the will and asked the new godparents not to say anything to any one, do to the family possibly fight. They agreed and said it's no one's business but mine who we picked to take care of the kids if something were to happen. Grant the right thing to is to tell the old godparents but for us it's not worth the fight nor the phone call. Good luck w/ what you do

You and your husband should make a decision and then sit down with them to talk. Tell them your decision and why you are making it. I'm sure they'll have something to say, but with the lack of interest in being involved in your childs' life, your child does not know them. This would make a very difficult transition if anything were to happen to you. I think changing it would be a wise decision but be up front about it. They may get mad but not as mad if they found out another way.

Hi - Gosh isn't family stuff difficult to figure out sometimes. If it wasn't a family member I sure in your heart you know what is the right choice. The role of Godparent is a serious responsibility and not just a title. It means that they are responsible for helping you raise your children in both faith and life in general. It sounds like they have not engaged themselves at all with your child and you have every right to revoke the legal privilege of caring for your children. God forbid anything happens to you, where would you want your children to be? Once you answer that question you know what to do. You can let them keep the title if you want but kindly let them know that you and your husband have made the decision to have your husband’s sister as the God parents of your new baby and with that you will also be reassigning custody of the children. You can explain that it is in the interest of keeping the children together and that you have observed a lack of interest in their assuming this serious responsibility and feel it would be better for everyone if the change was made legal. Best of luck. Maybe you and your husband could have dinner out with them and have you husband do the talking (since it is his family) And please, don't you worry if they get offended, this if for the welfare of your children and it sounds like you haven't been that close with them anyway!!

I don't think you need to inform them of the change in legal guardianship - however, when you change your will you should also have the new guardians sign a notarized statement that they are willing to accept guardianship just as more documentation to support the change. As far as the godparent thing, most siblings have different guardians so I would not pick them to be the new baby's godparents, though I wouldn't have picked them in the first place since they aren't religious!

I'm not good at sugar-coating and I call a spade, a spade, so here it goes...

Why consider them "demoted?" That sounds petty and on the verge of playground behavior, to be honest.

If you want to baptize the 2nd child with different Godparents, then do it, it's fine. My brother and I have different Godparents. You really don't need to say a thing, unless you feel the need for more drama. If they are distant, then good, you know where they are at...and that seems like a good place for all of you involved.

Change your will, and you don't need to share that info with anyone. *If* in the event that you die, then they'll find out, but there's no need to ruffling feathers. If you have a beef to pick, then pick it, but make sure it's based on your hurt feelings and not on anything else.

We have not offically baptised our children, but we did pick Godparents and they are officially on our will to take ALL 3 of our children. They are willing and financially/emotionally capable of doing so. I hope they never have to.

Breathe. Enjoy your pregnancy and pick different Godparents. :)

Unless you have listed them legally, as in a Will or Living Trust, it won't matter what title you gave them... especially a religious title which isn't upheld by the state.

If you want to avoid confrontation... then simply put a Living Trust together that names who you want as your children's guardian. You can baptize the children with the same godparents if you want. From what i understand, the role of a godparent is to uphold the religious convictions of your family.

I am going through the same thing with son's godmother... it was my intention to list her as both, but now that i have seen her with him... and I fear that she would go against our wishes and vaccinate our son... I am hesitant to list her. So we shall see.... not sure yet. Good luck in your choice!