Declining an Invitation

PK

If you have already RSVP'd to the wedding, you need to contact the bride or her mother and let her know you will not be able to make it.

Personally? I think it's rude to pull out two weeks prior. But that's ME. You should have realized the costs PRIOR to accepting the invitation.

If you have NOT RSVP'd, do so TODAY. They don't need a reason. You just need to let them know you are NOT going to be there.

Hope this helps!

I just had my wedding in May, and let me tell you, last minute RSVP changes were a tremendous headache. We had asked that folks RSVP 5 weeks out, but many didn't. And those who RSVP'd and changed it were also very difficult. I say all that to say that guests tend not to realize how hard it is on the bride to deal with people who make last minute cancellations or don't show up (and yes, when you've been planning for a year, 2 weeks is last minute).

I suggest that you call. The average wedding costs about $50+ per guest JUST for food and drinks.

Call today. Don't wait. My son got married in April. In our case the 3 couples who did not show after RSVP'ing cost us close to $400 where if they had called us we could have adjusted the number or told a family member yes you can bring an extra guest along. It's just better manners to call now.

I am assuming you sent back your reply. If you did, I would feel obligated to go. Sometimes it seems like a real hassle to go, but once you get there, you are glad you went.

You should send a written change of RSVP to the same address from the original RSVP. Just a brief and polite "I regret that I am no longer able to attend your special day, but my best wishes will be with you." Do not mention the gift in the note, simply either include a check (if you planned to give a monetary gift) or gift card in the note or send a physical gift at a later date. The bride will appreciate that you are letting her know with enough time to change her table numbers or invite an additional guest.

ETA- Diane B is right about where to send the gift! I was thinking of my own wedding, where we sent out the invitations ourselves :)

don't feel that you have to twist yourself into pretzels, make long explanations or feel bad about this. simply email her and say something along the lines of 'i am so sorry, it's not going to work out after all. i'll miss seeing everyone! looking forward to the pictures, and hope we can get together soon.'
mail the gift.
all done!
khairete
S.

Did you RSVP yes? If so, go. Unless there are justified reasons (illness or family issue) then you should go with what you responded.

If you have not yet responded, just respond no and send your friend a quick note saying that you wish you could come but it's just impossible on that day. And tell her that you can't wait to see the photos.

I hate this obligation of telling people exactly why you cant attend. It's none of their business!! I would simply say, "I'm sorry, I cannot attend _______'s wedding." If you don't have one, request an address to send a a gift. You absolutely should not be required to explain every detail of what makes you choose to not attend a wedding. Anyone needing that information, is simply rude.

Call her and tell her asap. She might be able to adjust her number with her caterers, and could save HERSELF some money if you're not coming. It's the right thing to do. You don't owe an explanation, just state you cannot make it and wanted to let her know so she could adjust her numbers.

"Dear Jean, I'm so sorry to tell you that I won't be able to attend your daughter's wedding after all. I hope that it will be beautiful and that your daughter and new son will be very happy. Hope to talk to you soon. Love, P.K."

And contact her ASAP!

Have your already RSVP'd? If so, you really should go. If not, have you missed the deadline already?

I agree with AZneomom.

Honestly, I don't think you need to give an excuse unless you are specifically asked why you're not going. RSVP and just say "I am so sorry I can't be there to celebrate your special day. thank you very much for inviting me."

If your friend asks, be honest - you would love to be there, but are unable to make the logistics work.

Are you close with the bride, or just with her mom? If you're not close to the bride, it really doesn't matter (and chances are, her mom made her invite you and she won't care if you're not there). But, if you are close to the daughter, make a special lunch date with her next time she's in town.

I agree with the below posts but just want to add one thing - when you say you had "intentions of going", do you mean that you initially RSVP'd "yes"? If so, with the wedding now less than two weeks away, be aware that the bride+groom may incur a substantial expense from your absence (already committed to a headcount with the caterer, etc). If that is the case, you might want to give an "extra-generous" gift.

"I'm sorry I can't make it to the wedding. I looked at some things and realized I won't be able to swing it." I don't think you really need to explain but if you do, keep it simple. I don't think you should say you can't "afford" it because then she will feel you don't think it's a priority. Just say you don't think you can go but wish her the best and send a nice gift. Never feel obligated to do something you don't really want to do. Good luck.

Did you get a formal invitation and send in your reply? Then you really need to follow through. Your friend has paid for your meal with the caterer, and done seating arrangements. If you change now, you cost her money and create headaches. Two weeks to go is just not a good time to be backing out under any circumstances, short of a terrible emergency like serious illness or a death in the family.

If it's a casual wedding with a cake and champagne reception in the church hall, then you MAY be able to decline by saying something urgent came up and you are devastated not to share her daughter's special day with her. But it's going to have an impact on your friendship for sure because it will be obvious that you just changed your mind. There's no really nice way to say "It's just not worth it to me to come."

I don't understand what happened with the logistics - did you not realize how far the wedding was when you were invited? I'm not sure how you can explain this lack of planning to your friend without sounding superficial. Can you find an inexpensive, no-frills hotel through AAA (if you are a member) or through one of the on-line search services like Hotwire or Priceline? They have so many last-minute deals and you can determine how many "stars" the hotel has and go for something low-end. You won't be there long at all - you'll be at the wedding. Perhaps you can get a small fridge in the room and take your own food for dinner and breakfast? That's if it's for the night before. If it's for the night after the wedding, your dinner will be handled at the wedding, and you can have a good night's sleep and take the drive the next day.

You are not obligated to send a gift at the time of the wedding - you can send it a month or so later. Perhaps you can use your funds now for the motel, and then next month send a gift when you've had another paycheck. Please don't take a gift to the wedding anyway - it's a huge imposition for the family, and it's a security issue (a lot of people crash weddings to steal gifts and envelopes of cash). So sending it afterwards is more than okay. And the gift should go to the bride & groom, while the RSVP goes to the host who issued the invitations (in this case, your friend.)

Just check the box on the RSVP for not coming. Then if you want say, "We regret that we are unable to attend but wish you all the best." Or something.

Is this a fancy, formal wedding? If so, and you've sent back an official RSVP saying that you'll attend, then I think you need to suck up the expense and time, and go. At less than two weeks away, they'll have given a final headcount and still have to pay for your plate, they'll have made up seating charts which are a nightmare to reshuffle for a bride and her mom. Unless this is a backyard wedding, if you rsvp'ed and they have counted you, it would be terribly rude to back out now. You needed to figure out the details before you responded.
If it's a very informal cake and keg in the backyard kind of wedding where you didn't need to rvsp, then no excuses are needed. No one needs to provide a reason for declining an invitation and it's rude of a host to ask for one.

It's a wedding. Unless you are the bride's best friend, they have too much to worry about and aren't basing the day on your presence. 2 weeks is appropriate notice unless you are a major guest who needs to be there no matter what. Be concise and clear. I'm assuming you RSVP'd yes or said you would go or you wouldn't have an issue so something like:

"I apologize I will not be able to attend after all, I have a personal conflict" If your friend reeeeeeeelly digs past that then you just confess that you can't swing the long trip and hotel and she should understand, but it shouldn't come to that.

If you knew the plan though and said you would go, but now you're trying to get out of it, you may just have to feel bad and understand she's disappointed. It's always best to be forthright out of the gate.

"Looks like I'm not going to be able to make it. I'm sure it will be lovely, and I look forward to seeing the pictures."

The reason some people feel compelled to give an excuse is they don't want to hurt the other person's feeling by making them feel like something more important came up. When a person don't give any sort of explanation it's sometimes makes the person feel like they are unimportant.

Giving any sort of excuse does make the other person feel better about you not being there. When someone just says "I am not coming after all" it seems rude. Even though they are not required to have any information about why you're not coming be prepared to answer the question anyway.

It just makes a person feel bad when someone who is expected cancels. She may wonder and wonder and wonder why you didn't make time to come. She may take it personally and always wonder why.

Moods and tempers and attitudes and everything else are all running high during this sort of stressful times. So don't be surprised by any sort of attitude from them.

If you can't go you can't go. That's all there is to it but when you call they will probably ask why just in conversation.

Just tell the truth of the matter. Also note that you will miss not attending but will be sending a gift.. Be firm when you tell her so that you aren't persuaded into changing your mind. It's your money and if it's too expensive, then a good friend would rather you not attend.. at least that is how I feel..I wouldn't want my friend to get in debt..

If you already RSVP'd yes then you're obligated to go because you committed to it. Of course weddings are expensive. Be thankful you're not one of the wedding attendants.

I thought this was all common knowledge?

If you did NOT RSVP then you need to do it immediately with regrets. You should have received an invitation with the option to decline. Return that and then immediately after you'll need to make a believable and non-offensive excuse to your friend.

Were invitations mailed out (with RSVP's included) or was this just a verbal invitation from the bride's mother? I think that makes a difference.