Deciding to Have 2Nd Baby

I have an 11yr old daughter and it was a tough decision for me to have another baby being so far apart in age. Let me tell you, it's the best decision I made. She is awesome with her sister and at 11 - they want more responsibility and I think your daughter will really enjoy it. My husband is not the father of my 11yr old and I always wanted to have a child with him and after a few years of deciding we took the leap. He's 43 and I am 31 so that's great your husband is all for it at 45 - that's still young enough to enjoy having a baby. You will really appreciate the help too if your daughter is willing - $ is a good motivator too as they are too young to work - helps them get what they want if they save and work a bit for it helping out. Good luck!

In my opinion, your 11 year old should not be the deciding factor if you and hubby want another baby. You are NOT too old to have another one. I am 37 and pregnant with my 4th...having my other children 13, 11 and 18 months. My older children LOVE having younger siblings!! The only difference with you having one now would be the risks are a little higher, but nothing to worry about. Its nice having your doctor's office treat you as "high risk" -- you get more ultrasounds! :)

However, if you are debating it that much -- then to me it may not be the right decision. I never hesitated when my hubby said he wanted 2 more.

Good luck!

We just had our first and plan on having another one, so I havn't gotten back on the depo. But I just wanted to let you know that they told me the first time that it could take up to 18 months for the depo to completely get out of your system. I was lucky and we did concieve after being off of the shot for 6 months. But I thought I would share this with you in case there might be a chance that you would want to try again. I would get off of the shot now and work with other methods if you think there is a chance of trying again.

Hope this helps!

My Mom had me when she was 45. I was her 9th child, and my oldest sister was 22 and already had a son. I have never heard any of my siblings complain about my mom having me. In fact, they treated me more as their own child. If you ask my Mom, she would tell you that it was a gift that kept her young. My parents are both 72 now, and our entire family is very close.

As you know, there can be complications, and if you decide to have another child you should be prepared for anything. But, just know that it has been wonderful for other people out there! Good Luck!

I just had our 4th child at 38. As long as you're healthy and make certain you've got good prenatal care, it's all good.

On the sibling ages - our other children are 15, 19, and 21. Granted, we didn't "decide" to have a fourth, he just happened.

When my brother was born, the rest of us were 10,12, and 13. We loved having a baby sibling, and accepted him readily.

Your daughter will adjust and your concern over her reaction and the fact that she's an only child says that a sibling is probably a good experience for her anyway.

My son was 10 when we adopted our girls, and while he was asked his opinion (because the system requires it, not because we thought we should) it really didn't matter what he thought. You wouldn't ask a toddler what they think, why involve an older child?

Someone said "listen to your heart". I agree. Don't over analyze the decision, just do what your heart tells you to do.

I'd just like to say that my mom had me when she was 38 and my dad 45. Isn't that funny? I think it was her roughest pregnancy, but it was also her fifth child. My older siblings are older by a variety of years, including 11 years. You should have nothing to worry about when it comes to your daughter getting along with a baby. It will probably be a lot of fun for her. My older siblings enjoyed more freedom as teens and young adults because my parents were busier with my sister and me.

What you need to worry about most is your health at this point in your life. Good luck with your decision.

First of all, I have to warn you about Depo Provera. I was on it for two years. At the end I started losing A LOT of hair! It threw my hormones out of whack. I had an overactive bladder from it. And I believe it helped build up stuff in my kidney. I got six kidney stones and my kidney failed when I was 12 weeks pregnant. I know it's nice to not have your period. But our bodies are made to have periods. So it's NATURAL! Don't take that away...not good.

Yes, I just turned 26 so I'm young and I don't personally know people that are your age and trying and I don't have health problems to worry about myself. But I have heard a lot of people your age and older that have had successful pregnancies. If you are healthy great! Yes, go for it!!! Your daughter will adjust. You get one life and you've got to give it all you got! If you both want a child then DO IT! I say go, go, go girl! hehe. ;)

I am 38 (39 in Dec) almost 13 weeks into my 4th pregnancy.

Granted, this is a surrogacy pregnancy so it will be going home with it's own parents. I have 3 kids of my own, 9, 6 and 3. I was 35 when I delivered my 3rd child. My husband was 43 at the time. Due primarly to health issues of our 2nd child and secondly to my husband's age we decided our family was complete.

Your daughter will adjust to a sibling. I would say if you don't at least try for a 2nd child, that thought/feeling will always nag you wondering "What If????....."

Your daughter is old enough to ask whether or not she's want a sibling. I think it would be respectful to hear her say even though you can do as you wish. I had an issue when my Dad remarried and told me my step-mother was pregnant and I was in 6th grade at the time. I was so against it. Your daughter is entering an age where she needs lots of interaction, attention and talks. Being 12 or 13-16 is so hard. Each kid is different but I secluded myself, cut myself, got into sexual activity and felt like my family didn't care for me. There was a disconnect but I'm not sure I'd have any issues if my parents just stayed together to have more children. I'd just talk to your daugther and bring to light how big this decision is.

You can run into more pregnancy risks and issues of having a baby with down syndrome increase with age as does having multiples.

I'm not at your age but I know my husband said he wouldn't be the kind of active Dad he wants to be if he was older. He already complains of being too tired at night but he does play with both girls each night.

I'm always up for having more baby's but I'm not sure if I could handle starting all over again and getting up every 2-3 hours for 6 months along with working and going to school if I hadn't done it for 11 years. If you have that desire then it could be a calling to have a baby I would problably have another as long as we'd be confident that our retirement fund is on track and their college savings is okay. 38 is not that old and for a guy it's not a big deal besides not being able to be as active maybe.

I am 40, pregnant, and loving it! The best thing you can give your kids are more kids. They learn to share, be patient, kind, forgiving..... the list could go on forever. The best thing you can teach your children is that people are more important than things. My oldest just turned 12. She adores babies and can't waite to see this one!

Make sure you do as our doctor advises. I am currently on progesterone and they watch my pregnancy very closely. MORE ULTRASOUNDS! I love seeing this little one grow.

I'd suggest going off the Depo and just seeing what happens. If you get preggers, GREAT! Just be healthy and mindful - if you pray, listen for answers and spend quiet time with yourself. I wanted another baby so badly at 38 -and tried and tried (already had two children aged 8 and 4) but we never got pregnant again. For many years I was extremely disappointed, but now see that my family is fine and healthy and the two kids I have are thriving. My advice is not to say one way or the other specifically what is going to happen in the future, but be open for whatever comes. Good luck.

p.s. I really don't think it's appropriate to discuss with a child. There needs to be boundaries and teaching the children modesty and privacy starts in the home. I still believe that parents make decisions and children learn to accept what comes. But of course my 13 year old tells me that I'm old fashioned and that manners and social boundaries and conventions don't matter anymore! :)

i would talk to your daughter about it and see what she thinks. after getting remarried to a wonderful man who had no children of his own, he wanted to sit down with my three boys and see what they thought about us having a baby. they were all for it! they were happy when i got pregnant with our son and all of them are very excieted that this time im having a girl! my boys will be 12, 9,8 this summer and i make sure they get their time with me and my husband and time together will all of us. i was worried with the age gaps on myself (starting all over and handling the older ones and a baby things like that) and the space between the two younger ones, but it has all fallen into place pretty much on its own. they love helping out with our son. they are never expected to help but they are always offering. my 7 yr old will even ask every day to take his 1 yr old brother for a walk around the block, they will circle the block for about an hour waving each time they go past the house (its really cute!) i know in the end its up to you and your husband, but i think it helped alot that we talked to the boys and got what they thought about a new baby (ies) coming into our family. they feel like they had a say in it... thankfully they were all for it. good luck in your choice!

If you are in good health and your Dr Ok' s it and your husband is on the same page..Why Not??? My youngest was 8 and I had a baby...(Didn't plan on having any more kids then I remarried) and it is WONDERFUL having them spaced apart!!They are GREAT helpers and are VERY protective Big Sisters

Sounds like you want another baby :) So what's stopping you? Your daughter will be there to help (and do some things for herself on her own) when her tired old mom can't get off the couch, but you will also have more excitement and energy than you could imagine when you hold another cute little one in your arms, and I'm sure you'll give the third parent a day off once in a while ;) Regardless, the things I've regretted most in life are the things that I did not do. Do you think in 5 or 10 years, you'll wish your second child didn't exist? Doubt it. But if you don't try, I bet at some point you will ache for the chance to try again... Good Luck!

I think you should include your daughter on discussions about having a baby. I think she would enjoy it--but it still needs to be a desire for both you and your husband. My son was an only child until he was 12. We had to do in vetro fertilization to get pregnant.

We are now a family of 5. My son is 20 and my younger 2 are almost 6 and almost 8. A lot of times it was like we had 2 families. We had activities geared toward the older child and activities for our younger ones. An once our son was 15 and up, we hardly saw him because of his sports and friends and activities. He helped with the kids a little, but really didn't have much of an interest for that. A girl might be different.

My husband and I thought we were fortunate to have one and if our in vetro didn't work, we'd be empty nesters in our late 30's and thought that would be fun too. As you said--a lot to consider. I must say that I feel you should not have another if you and your husband both do not really desire a new baby.

Also, when considering your age, it really is important to take that into account. Are you fit? What does your doctor say about your age, chance of a healthy baby, possibility of being put on bed rest (that SUCKS!!)what kinds of complications could there be. At this age it is considered a high risk pregnancy. Please don't let people tell you that it's B.S. that your age is an issue. It is. We learned a LOT when we went through our fertility treatment. You see all these celebrities who have done it, but don't let that make you think if they can do it, you can do it. Talk to obstetricians. Don't mean to sound so gloomy, but it's important.

Big decision, lot's to consider--good luck!

R., You know I think it would be a wonderful experience for your daughter. I know my daughter who is soon to be 12 on the 25th of this month loves babies and I really think you would see a new love that maybe you never saw before. a brother sister or a sister sister love. What a beautiful bond. I find my daughter gets bored and my sister in law whom is also 38 just had her first baby and my daughter has taken to her like a little mother hen. My sister in law tried for 15 years to have a baby, after 2 introvitro's and 36,000.00 later, they have the most beautiful baby girl ever. More and more are having babies later on in life. They have the job secured and the house and been through it once maybe a long time this time around your more relaxed... take care and good luck... J.

It is a huge decision but if you want to, now would be the time. I'm 39, my husband is 43 and we have a 16 year old girl, a 3 year old boy and just had a baby boy last month. It's wonderful. It does change your life dramatically and sometimes it's hard, all our friends' children are older or adults themselves and at times I'm jealous of their freedom,even to just go out to dinner. The sacrifice you'd be making is huge, 40 weeks of pregnancy, nursing, up all night. It seems at this age, when you've not had that responsibility for so long and are used to a certain lifestyle it can be hard,but when you are holding/feeding and looking at that precious baby, it's all worth it. It can be h*** o* the first child who has had you all to herself for so long but the love that she feels for a sibling is a great gift to her. It was a big decision for us to "start over" but we are so happy we did. Only you know your self and your family and what is best. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

R.,
My son's are 18,16 and 13 1/2 months. I was so worried about my older boys excepting our little miracle baby. There was never a problem though. They adore him about fight over who is the best big brother. I worried about such a huge age gap because the next youngest to me is 10 years older. I didn't so much have siblings as a whole bunch of dads and another mom. We didnt choose for me to get pregnant at 37 because of some health issues. This pregnancy was a bit harder but it was all due to being diabetic and a heart condition not my age. I have also found that at this age I am a better mommy. I have more time then i did in my early 20's. I am sure a lot more patiant. I think if you decide to have a baby at 38 it will be a bit harder but you will find out in the long run it is such an amazing exerience. Good luck.

Being a mom has brought me more joy and satisfaction than anything else in my life, but it is not the only good thing. Is there a reason you waited 11 years to try again? Is your situation different now, or are you different? When your 60, you'll be 60 whether or not you have an empty nest, or you have another 11 year old.

After my first son, we were told that we wouldn't be able to have any more kids. I was devastated. Mostly for my son. I didn't want him to be alone. When my husband and I are old, or gone, I wanted him to have someone. I want his kids to have cousins, but I come from a big family. I love having a big family.

Our second son was a miracle. It's too dangerous for me to be pregnant again and the chances of another live birth are basically impossible.

It's hard to put myself in your shoes, bc I would jump at the chance of giving a daughter a sibling. But, it just depends on your situation. Is your husband planning on retiring? Are you up to day care or giving up work or school for a while?

It is a big decision. But truthfully, you'll know in your heart what the right answer is for you and your family. 11 year olds can be wonderfully helpful. Plus, helping you with a baby will give your daughter skills that she can't get anywhere else.

I wish that I could give my boys the opportunity to help with a sibling.

Good luck and make sure to post what you decide!

For me, I just knew I wanted another one. It was never a question of should I have one or not. I think deep in your heart you just "know" what is right.
If you really need to debate it, then you aren't ready for it.

On another note, if you do want another baby sometime in the next 2 years, I highly recommend NOT taking the depo shot again. It can take up to 12-18 months to get your fertility back after the last shot. Depo is the worst birth control to take if you want another child in the future. It really screws up the hormones...and will take up to a year and over to get your period back. Most women have problems getting pregnant after the depo.

I really think you know in your heart what you'd like to do. Just take some time to think about it.

My husband and I are in the same situation. My mother gave me some advice that may help you. She asked me, do you want to raise another child? I, of course, said yes, but...and she interrupted me and said not to think about the buts for a minute. She made it that simple. She said the buts have a way of working out. So if you want to raise another child, realizing that it will take quite some time for that child to be on his own, then go for it. If you just want to cuddle a baby, borrow one.

That is a big gap in ages...Your energy will be focused a lot on the new baby and your 11 year old will find herself fending for herself. Also, family outings may be different/difficult as you will have to accomadate kids of different ages. If you are heatlhy I wouldnt worry so much about your self and would consult with a doctor.

JMO...only your heart will tell you what to do.

R.,

If you are healthy then your age is fine. I got pregnant with my first child at age 38 and delivered at age 39. 2 women I worked with both in their mid 20s and pregnant the same time as me had many more health issues than I did. If you are healthy and have been taking prenatal vitamins and getting regular check ups you should be fine. You need to discuss that with your doctor.

My husband does not want to have another child because of our age. Not the health issues but we will be (his words) "too old" by the time both children would graduate. I would like to have another so we will have to talk. Talk to your husband and your daughter too. She may love to be a big sister. Most girls (I teach middle school) love babies and love to get involved and help with younger siblings. Your daughter is old enough to have that conversation with. She may suprise you with her maturity.
Good luck with what you decide.

Is there something going on in your life that is influencing a desire to have another child? Is something different happening or has this been the plan in your heart through out your life? I would take a step back and really evaluate if having a second child is something you really want to do. For me, I knew I wanted two and that was it! For some reason throughout the years I have had a desire to have another, when I really think about it I know it is not what I truly desire. I am looking forward to my children growing and doing older children things. When I have a craving for a baby I acknowledge that it is a phase and will pass soon. And for me it does and I am grateful I am not pregnant or going through the baby thing again. For you...if the desire keeps coming back there must be more to it? Good luck.

I just had another one and now I have a 12 year old and a one year old. I was re-married and that was the main driver of my decision. There are days when I ask myself..what on earth was I thinking and then others when I couldn't see it any other way. I can tell you that this summer was the first summer we let the 12 year old run wild and I realized that this would have been the first year we were able to actually enjoy ourselves at parties,other events while she did her own thing. BUT instead, I am running after a one year old. It all depends whether or not you are prepared to go back to square one! Also, my older daughter has got her own thing going on and it is very difficult keeping them both happy and cared for seeing as there are so many years between them. I thought I could do it-but it is very hard sometimes.

I think your daughter will be accepting of a new baby - I've seen lots of kids that age be wonderful at welcoming a new sibling, even when there's a large gap.

I'd just advise caution in how much you expect her to help. Sometimes older siblings feel like an indentured servant if they're required to babysit all of the time. I know that helping is also being part of the family, but make sure she still gets to be a kid.

I had my second baby at age 46. I'm now 48. There are lots of us out here.
Good luck

Hi R.-- our son was born when I was 38 and our daughter was almost 9. We did not plan that big of a gap, but in our situation it worked out great! There's much less chaos than I see in families with kids closer together (which suits me just fine), and my daughter is the most loving, helpful big sister you can imagine!

As you are aware, there are special concerns being of "advanced maternal age," but I think that if you're healthy, your doctor isn't telling you otherwise, and this is what you want (which it sounds like it is), then by all means go for it--sooner rather than later. There are books especially for "older" pregnant moms; I had "Your Over 35 Week-By-Week Pregnancy Guide" which I loved because it gave me something new to read about every week.

Good luck!

Kids are wonderful and if you set the stage correctly your daugher will accept the new little on and be a tremendous help to you. Go for it! I have seven - three biological, then after a wait, we adopted four more over several years. The youngest is almost two and my husband just turned 50 (I'm 49). It's been a challenge being so much older this time around, but well worth it in the long run. Children are a blessing from the Lord and many children bring tremendous love to a home. "Only" children miss out on many of the benefits of learning to share their parents and possessions, no matter how much we try to teach them. They can develop a much deeper sense of commitment and self sacrifice helping to care for a baby. I was almost eight when my only brother was born, and although growing up we were like two "onlies" in some ways, I cherish the fact that in my later years I have a sibling - to share the load of my aging mother's care, to enjoy his family and the blessing of a niece and three nephews. Family is a wonderful thing. If your husband is encouraging you to, do it!

SAHM of seven

R.,

I have a 13 year old, 10 year old and 2 year old. The 2 year old was our surprise. My daughter loves her baby brother and was actually in the delivery room with me when her brother was born.

I say go for it. I'm 34 almost 35 and we are planning on having one more.

I say go for it!!! I think you'll be very glad you did! And truthfully I think you're daughter will be so happy and you'd find her a tremendous help! My Mom had a baby when I was almost twelve years old! I was so excited and pleased! I was always happy to help out! Even changing diapers!
My Mom had her last baby at 43 and my Dad was 45! She also was a high risk diabetic!! I think if God let's you get pregnant again He'll take care of the rest! ;)
I'm sure it would be such a blessing and a joy for you all! ;)

As long as you didn't have any complications with your last pregnancy your age shouldn't be an isssue. My mom had my youngest sister at 35, and my grandma had my aunt at 38, and neither one of them had any complications.

Hello, I have a sister who is 11 years younger than me. I absolutely love having a little sister. There were times where I felt taken advantage of, free baby sitter, lost my status as youngest ect. I still would not change it for the world. It was the best way to learn about how hard it is to have a new baby, and how to be a good Mom. When I was ready to have my own I had a better idea of what it would be like and a built in confidence. So if it is right for you and your husband it is also right for your ll year old. Best of luck in you deciding!
A.

When I was 11, my stepmother and father had my brother, and it was probably one of the best things they could have ever done for me (I mean, they didn't have the baby for ME alone, but i mean that it was good for me). I love my brother to death, and my parents were exactly your ages! In my opinion, it's fine to have another child at your age. Also, your daughter could double as the 'babysitter' to look after the baby, become a sort of mother's helper- after all, she's around a good age for that- just speaking from experience here :)I was a pretty good babysitter, too! (And I got to drive my bro to school when I got my liscence, it was fun to have a sort of responsibility.)

God Bless,
J.

It'll have challenges, but it'll be worth it. My mom was 40 when she had my younger brother, so don't let your age bother you. It'll help your 11 yr. old learn about babies, babysitting, patience, sharing, responsibility, etc. Go for it.

R.,
If you want another baby, your age is not a factor. I started having children at age 36 and am now pregnant with my third at age 42. I think the doctors have made too much negative comments about women in their late 30's and early 40's. Look at all of the older celebrities that are having children in their early 40's.(There are a lot of women that aren't celebrities having children at that age, you just don't see it in the magazines) It all depends on how well you take care of yourself and particularly when you are pregnant.
Children are the greatest blessing in the world....nothing can replace them and your daughter will be fine with it. It will be an adjustment for her, but it might be good for her in a lot of ways, espcially that the world isn't all about her.
Good luck.