Debate with Husband = Who Is Right?

Let me see here... She just started HS, she has ONE B, (assuming the rest A's), taking Tae-Kwan-Do, plays soccer, volunteer work, and perfect attendance...

So, she's physically fit. Sharp as a tack. Smart. Kind. Mentally stable. Responsible. So, what's wrong here?

At her age, I was having sex, smoking pot, getting C's and D's, pulling away from my family, stopped caring, hating school, and skipped school. However, I'm a productive adult with a wonderful life and a career that I love now that last year pulled in $75,000.

ONE B is NOT going to make or break her in her life. Not even if she wanted to go to Yale. They're more likely to look at her perfect attendance and volunteering before a B in the 8th grade.

Read Dr. Wendy Mogul's Blessings of a Skinned Knee.
Not directly related to this issue, but discusses what happens when kids feel like the main (only) value they bring to the family is grades.
I think you're right, btw.
Good luck.

Well your daughter sounds very smart. She I'm sure realizes that Mom & Dad have different parenting styles as do most couples. You will not agree on everything! Kids hearing their parents debate on a topic is actually a good thing if it ends with a truce right? You BOTH have obviously done something right so don't focus on this one debate. It's o.k. that your DH feels one way and you another. It will not have a negative effect on your daughter if it's just dropped. She knows how each of you feel, done!

Sounds like you all have a very healthy family relationship. That in itself will help your children succeed.

"Daddy just said that because he loves you so much and wants you to be the best you can be. Don't let it bother you, or cause extra pressure. He just wants you to be aware that school does get harder the older you get. You're so smart that school may have been kinda easy for you so far, but at some point it will get more challenging, so just be aware of that. Any absolutely don't worry if you do get a B. As long as you're trying your hardest, that's all we expect from you - both of us agree on that - Daddy just says it differently :) "
And then drop it, with both hubby and daughter.

You were both wrong, wrong, wrong!!!
But we all make mistakes, so no big deal.

Your husband should not have decided to have such a "high pressure" conversation with your daughter without talking to you first. There is nothing wrong with expecting your daughter to continue to bring home straight A's, especially since she's shown that she's capable of doing it. However, it needs to be done in a loving, "if you need help we're here for you" kind of way and both parents should be in agreement.

You should not have gone to your daughter later and undermined everything your husband was trying to do. By doing that you put your daughter in the middle of two disagreeing parents. There was no need to do that. Whether or not it was your intention you now put yourself as the "good guy" and her dad as the "bad guy". That will definitely backfire!

I don't know your kid so I can't say if your husband's approach will backfire or not.

I always like to encourage and not discourage.

Highschool is a clean slate. Everything you did in grammer school means nothing. The teachers don't reference your grades or anything from back there. You begin anew. Being successful is important but I remember seeing students in my grammer school classes be totally different students from grammer school to high school to college. I remember watching the straight A kid have a nervous break down with the first B or C of a lifetime in highschool. I've seen this happen at the college level too.

Knowing how to handle failure is just as important as knowing how to handle success.

My question is how will your husband handle her first failure? And will your little girl be equipped to handle his response? Both are rhetorical questions but I would be concerned about these things. FYI - I think you addressed your daughters concerns appropriately and lovingly.

I think your hubby probably meant well, in that he wants to see your daughter live up to her full potential, but it probably came across more as a tremendous amount of pressure than encouragement and making his expectations known. My parents could be the same way and I remember once when I was going to end up with a D for chemistry in 11th grade (not the final grade, just the first marking period) I thought about killing myself rather than have to face them with a D. Does he want your daughter to feel the same way?

Just for the record, I ended up with an A in chemistry for my final grade by the end of the year. I generally brought home Bs and As when I applied myself. They also gave an effort grade in addition to the academic grade and as long as I got an A for effort, there was nothing more my parents could really say. That one D in 11th grade chem did not stop me from going to college, getting accepted to veterinary school, and becoming a successful happy veterinarian today. None of the pet owners that I have helped over the years have ever asked me what my high school GPA was or in what place did I graduate in my high school class. Niether have any of my employers. Hope that helps provide some perspective.

Tell your husband that you would rather she came home with a "B" than pregnant.

My parents were a lot like your husband. I was expected to bring home As. Bs were not really acceptable. If I brought home a paper with a grade of 96, the focus was on why did I miss 4 points.
I think there is something to be said for keeping your expectations for your children high, because they will tend to meet them, especially if they are bright and capable kids, like your daughter. However, I think that the emphasis should be more on how hard she works for a grade rather than the grade itself. As a bright kid, I could coast through many of my classes and get As, but sometimes, in certain subjects I had to work hard to get a B, or in advanced math one semester (gasp) a C. As a parent, I would value a "hard" B or C over an "easy" A any day. If she is applying herself and working hard, what is wrong with a B? If she is slacking off then a B might be something to work on.

You are SO right. Your husband was totally wrong to say that. It will put too much pressure on her and THAT will back fire. Kids need to feel that you will be proud of them and love them no matter what. When I was in HS I got a D on my report card for math (I got B's in most of the other classes) I am not good at math, and never have been. My parents were ok with it because they know it is harder for me and they see me working on it and getting tutoring from my teacher after school. They were still proud of me. I was happy just because I still "passed" the class and didn't have to think about it ever again. For college, I chose a trade, did the classes that were in my trade and did great with it. Getting a B grade is amazing in my opinion! Even a C grade is considered average. As long as she is trying her best, he should be proud of her.

Your husband is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!! That type of pressure is an awful burden to place on your daugther. 13 year olds have enough to worry about without some unrealistic expectation. I know you said she has been bringing home straight A's for a long time, and that is awesome. But somewhere along the line there will be a teacher with weird grading methods or for whatever reason she may not get an A. As long as she tries her best (which it sounds like she always does, in school, sports and everything she does), that is what is important. My parents encouraged my brothers and me to do our best but NEVER NEVER put pressure on us. And you know what, we all did great (all honors classes and successful college careers and careers now). Kids need your support, not pressure from you. My daughter is only two now but I already feel strongly about this topic. You hear so many stories about kids not wanting to disappoint their high pressure parents and turn to lying, cheating, or worse (drugs or hurting themselves). I'm sure your daughter wouldn't do those things but it's something I am afraid of and never want to see my daughter go through. Encourage her to do her best and she will! That is what matters. She obviously is an intelligent, hard working young woman and will do well in life - even if she does get some Bs (or worse) along the way! Please stay on your husband to back off....try to get him to speak with a guidance counselor or a neutral party so he can realize he is making a terrible mistake. good luck!

You are both right in your own ways; however, I think he should have not attacked the issue untill their was an issue and kids do not respond to lectures. Offering help would have been good. I agree w/ CJ to make such a fuss about a non issues is even more added pressure because now she knows how the 2 of you will act if it does happen and she does not need that.

Relax and if it is not broken don't break it don't fix it just let it be. Address it when it is an issue and it is ok for you and hubby to disagree but you need to compramise on how to address it when it happins not now.

If she was failing, I could see that lecture, but she is doing great. If he was trying to prepare her for how hard it was going to be, he could have gone about it differently. Classes are going to get harder and harder, and sometimes your best may only get you a B. I want you to be prepared for this and just try your best. The social aspect will also get harder, and you need to know what your priorities are. I got straight A's too, and that lecture would have really freaked me out. Especially going to a new school, not knowing the expectations, etc. I would have liked a warning about the above though.

As a kid who put a lot of pressure on myself, my parents were actually very similar to you & your DH: my mom was accepting that I was trying my hardest (I was a very good student), but my dad would focus on anything less than 100% (like Bridgett B. said, if it was 96%, then my dad wanted to know why it wasn't 100%).

I felt a ton of pressure from my dad's reaction, and my own super high expectations, to the point where I had several anxiety attacks. So, based on my own experiences, I would suggest, if your daughter is like I was (an overachiever):

That you sit down with your DH and let him know you understand his concerns and ask him to agree to only approach big topics like this with your daughter, after you have both had a chance to discuss it first (and hopefully in doing so, you can redirect some of his militancy about the issue before you both speak to your daughter).

If she's not an overachiever or does start slacking off, then a militant attitude and consequences is certainly warranted.....

I think your husband sounds very wise. He is right, homework and school schedules and pressures in high school are more difficult. It sounds like he is preparing her mentally for the challenge and letting her know what the realities are. Sounds like she is mature enough to handle it, I am also a black belt and national champion and junior Olympian, so that's a big thing for her to accomplish and if her sensei was anything like mine, he/she has probably given her the grades talk as well, or will very soon.

Now, for him to give her this talk shouldn't backfire nor make her feel tons of pressure like you are suggesting. If he starts to hound her often it will, and if he belittles her for not having perfect grades, then yes, that will be a problem to address, but having honesty that the times will get harder for her is wonderful. I do agree to not include your name in talks that he does himself, but I am sure he assumed that you both would feel that her maintaining her grades are important.

In fact, I was a straight A student and perfect attendance until about 9th grade. Then my grades starting slipping and it did effect my gpa and college applications... and I was a very involved student, even in AP classes, thespian, varsity cheerleader, christian club. So, I'm going to side with your husband on this one.

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I also agree with JoAnn C about undermining your husband. It's better to get the story straight and say, "I'll have to ask him about it" before you make assumptions like "I'm sure you misunderstood", it only adds confusion and a power struggle that kids pick up on.

How Amanda W. responded was perfect. Your reassuring her that you value her trying and hardwork over a letter grade was wonderful though.

I also don't agree with moms saying he was out of line with this talk. It's not like it's the sex talk or he was abusive in any way, a father has the same right to be concerned and set expectations than a mother has.

After reading your post I am proud of your girl too. It takes a lot to do what she is doing. I side with you on it may just place pressure where you don't want any. I really like how you told him to not include you in the statement. My husband and I have had these talks too. If he is worried say it is him and not me. If it is something we both are worried about the talk only happens when we are both in the room. I wish you all the best.

I agree with you. Holy Pressure, Batman!
After all a high GPA doesn't speak to the well-rounded nature of a kid, anyway, right?
Some kids respond to pressure, some don't.
I hate it when my DH expresses his thought as if it's US, too.

Sounds like a great kid! Too much pressure, and fear of failure or mistakes, could affect those good choices she has been making more negatively than if you both just support her. To her this could sound like he has an underserved expectation of failure when she has worked hard in the past to suceed. It has got to be confusing and disheartening for her to think that what she has already shown in her abilities and work ethic is not seeming to be considered.

He might not have realized how this would come off to her even i his intentions were good.

You are right, but I don't really have much advise as to how to deal with the father. Maybe just take time to explain to him more about being a teenage girl, the highschool experience, how truely wonderful your daughter is(especially incomparison to what could happen). Maybe you could find some examples of the consequences of what happens to teenagers who have too much pressure, and how some of them end up trying to cope with that.

Sometime I wonder what go through men's mind when they do things like that?I think that he is just worried and that to have a lecture come out that way maybe it wasn't intentional.It might just be a conversation that somehow turned into a lecture.My sister in law did the lecture on my brother about their son's grade and he is just in 4th grade.I was the one who went irade on her about that.I think that if kids are going to do well,the pressure need to be off until they screwed up but in your case.

I'd ask my husband to read this and he replied that maybe his co worker or someone he knows might have just show off their kids grade or something of that nature.He said that it probally was harmless and every husband always include their wife into that just because they don't want to be the only bad guy.Dad suppose to be fun and a good guy in their kid's eyes.So I think that it's harmless too.But then I still can't tell you what is on men's mind when they decide to do things that don't make as much sense to us women.I would just see it as atleast he care about her grade.Besides your daughter knows that you are pround of her no matter what.If this happen again then you can have this tak with your husband.Just let it go for now,you don't want to make this too big either.

My dad used to put a lot of pressure on us, and I personally think it is likely to backfire if he is not careful.
I side with you, because I don't see what's wrong with getting a B as long as she did her very best, because after all, that's all you can ask of anyone.
I see that she has a lot going on and I understand that your husband is trying to help her keep up the good work, only his approach is not the best.
When I started high school my dad did a pact with us, he gave us $30 for every A we got. He didn't actually give us the money, but put it in a savings account, and whenever we wanted something special, we could get money from there and he would put the rest, or even put half!!. So I think its a good strategy to help your teen keep up her work, I mean, she's already getting the A's a little extra incentive won't hurt. Quite on the contrary I think it will help her stay focused, and keep making goals and plans. My twin sister (26)saved enough for the down payment of her car, and my other sister (16) is also working towards getting a car, so ....

Why continue a fight with your hubby about a what if? How much more pressure are both of you adding to her by making this such a huge issue? She definitely realizes that you both do not agree on the issue and that it is causing tension. If she has always been a straight A student, then I don't see why you would want to lower any expectations from her just because school will get harder. There are a lot more distractions as she gets older(sports, volunteer work, friends, getting her drivers license, BOYS). I think that it is good for her to know what you expect from her, but I wouldn't dwell on it. Just let her know that you want A's and if she is having trouble in any classes, to come to you for help.

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say that I think you are doing a great job raising your daughter:) She's a winner:)

I agree with Momma L and Susan K.

Ok. There can be a lot of reasons a grade can slip. Sometimes it's because a student is spread too thin over too many activities - and sometimes it's a teacher didn't like a paragraph starting on the first line of a piece of paper (my son lost a point for that the other day - but it's not like they tell you these things beforehand). Sometimes you can have an off day and a quiz just didn't go the right way. I don't know if your husband is worried if something like this will affect possible scholarships or not. There is usually some extra credit somewhere that can be used to negate the occasional slip. I think your husband should relax just a little bit. Your daughter might feel some pressure from school from time to time, but your husband should try not to take it so personally (why is he feeling so anxious about this?).

Please be careful about putting such pressure on a 13 year old. They can snap. I could not handle all of the pressure. My father expected too much. I started to give up. I was pregnant by my senior year.

Just my opinion...

Sorry but, JoAnn is right. I agree.Nothing to add.

Talking and listening is always best. I would encourage your daughter to talk to her father directly, if that's too difficult, have her write it in letter and hand it to him. You may feel like you've 'bridged' the gap between them two by getting 'both sides of the story,, but you may just be the barrier.

Hi L.,
Just for interesting information, here's a link to an article about gifted kids you may find interesting.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1315414/Gifted-ch...

Trust your gut,
Wendy

I think it's really dangerous to expect all As from a kid. M boyfriend's family was like that, with the effect of eventually causing so much pressure in him that he drove himself a but nuts, did a bunch of drugs, and broke away from them. No need for all As! Your kid needs to be happy and healthy first and foremost, and that kind of pressure won't allow it.