Death of a Parent - Children's Friend

We lost our son last year and our granddaughter was only 3 at the time. She had a lot of questions which we answered honestly but when other kids were around she was distracted. This young man may be numb for a bit, it is not "real" for the first year and you go between not believing it to feeling lost and scared. Chances are when he is playing with your boys he will not say a lot about it other then he misses his dad or talk about what he and his dad use to do together. If they played catch together a lot, he may not want to play that for a while. He may also act out or be very quiet here and there. There is a helpful video by Seasme Street about a death of a relative. It is about Elmo's uncle dying and the things Elmo sees his cousin go through. The best thing your boys can do is let this boy talk about his dad if he wants too. They don't have to fix it, just lend an ear. If they knew him they may want to talk about fun things they did with him, but other then that just listening helps. One thing I would do with your boys though is sit them down and talk with them on how sometimes a parent dies when a child is young but that doesn't mean it will happen to them. Reassure them without promising, that you and their dad will probably live to see them as parents and possibly grandparents. They may be more clingy and worried about you and their dad because this opens their eyes that it does happen to people they know. Let them know that if this boy starts crying or gets angry over little things it is because the grief and his missing his dad, not because of something they did or didn't do. My granddaughter would start acting out, hitting, fit throwing and being mean whenever she would miss her daddy or think of something they did together. At these times we knew to sit down and talk with her and let her know it is ok to talk about those feelings but it is never ok to hit people. She is 5 now and when we talk about her daddy, she will say "If you keep talking about my daddy, I am going to cry" but it took a bit to get to this point. If you see this boy acting up while playing over with your sons, it could be time for a break for milk and cookies and a good talk about his feelings. Angry feelings are normal, they could be directed at the boys who still have their dad or to his mom who may be blamed for not protecting him or at himself for his unrealistic sense of it being his fault. Encourage him to talk to you about those feelings and insure him that it isn't anyones fault but it is ok to be mad at not having his dad here anymore. Like I said, chances are when he is with your boys he will probably be distracted enough to push it aside for a bit. Those escapes are heaven sent. Hope this helps

Send food!!... kids manage grief differently than we do as adults. I would sit your kids down, explain that their friends father passed away, and he might be sad, angry, or 'just not acting like himself'. They shouldn't take it personally, and should immediately tell you if the boy starts making threats of physical harm against himself or others. Maybe your kids can make a card saying they're sorry for their loss. As sad as it is, this will be a good learning lesson for your children. Maybe ask them how they would feel if something happened to their mom or dad, and let them know that that's how this little boy is probably feeling. Ask them what would make them feel better; then have then do that for this boy. Kids have an uncanny way of making things better on their own without parents pushing them to do the right thing; I bet they already know how to be sensitive to the situation.

Bring their family a casserole, bagged salad and a plate of brownies. Have your boys help you deliver it. Explain to your kids this child will likely be feeling very sad and confused. He may be angry, withdrawn. Or he may pretend like it does not bother him, and act normal.. but that is just an act. In either case, they need to still be his friend. They can listen if he wants to talk, but they shouldn't be asking him lots of questions about it either if he doesn't want to talk. Treat him like normal, invite him over a lot.

First, if you are comfortable, you could attend the funeral with you kids. Seeing them there may be a comfort to the boy. Then they could just treat him as normally as possible. We went through this recently with a boy who was a little older and about 5 years ago with a 10 year old.
People often commented that the boys don't seem upset. But they are. They may not choose to express it to their friends. So the friends just need to be there to listen if they want to talk about it. Don't bring it up unless the boy does.