Death and How to Cope

I am so sorry for your family's loss. I lost my sister in 2000 just 3 days after she turned 16. A drunk driver killed her as she drove home from school. While my children never had the chance to meet her they know all about their special Aunt who looks out for them and watches over them. Some of the things we have done is we celebrate Kristen's birthday, we started a foundation to honor all of the dreams she had & give college scholorships to those students who want to study in the same field as she did. At Christmas she still has her stocking hung with all of ours and we made a special tree just for her....it is an Angel tree.

I can tell you it took about 3 years before we all were over the anger of Kristen's death. Please don't be afraid to see someone to deal with the anger and sadness that comes from such a great loss.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. You will make it through, it will just take time.

J.

I'm so sorry for your loss. The holidays are going to be very hard and it will take some time before the void she has left is anymore than just emptiness where she should be. Make sure you do positive things to remember her. I have a friend who lets her daughter pick out a present each Christmas for the son she lost just after birth. You can talk with them about donations in her name to organizations like MADD if there was alcohol involved in the accident, or maybe something she enjoyed like if she liked animals, donate to the Humane society in her name. Keep them involved in things you do in remembrance of her and it will do a lot to keep their spirits up and to see that death, while sad, doesn't have to be all bad. I suppose it could be a bit late for planting things, but maybe you could get a potted plant for Christmas and plant it with them in the spring?
I hope you are coping and letting the people around you help as much as possible. You will be in our thoughts and prayers.

I think your being honest with them is great. Death is always hard but when it is children the feeling is unnatural for a parent. They are greiving to.

I think it is wonderful when people tell stories about the person they love. It seems to really help you over come the death. I lost my father twenty years ago. Great comfort came from people who told interesting stories about him. I lost my best friend last October. I am currently writing a story for his family. He never married and had children. When my husband left he stepped up and gave my son things his father would never think of "gifts of knowledge". I think it would be great to make a book of stories about her with your children. Memories that can come out when you feel sad and lonely for her. Holidays when you can remember her and laught together.

She never has to suffer in this world again. I also know you will see her again one day. Yes she is with you and can help from the next world. Remembering her is a great gift for you. Is there anything she wanted to do or things she had convictions about? Maybe you can do something special in her memory. One friends daughter wanted to be a teacher. I suggested that they sponcer a teacher education or childrens activity.

May your grief turn into flowers of ideas and change your life to great happiness.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Our dear family cat died a few weeks ago and I know that was hard for me to explain to my children. I can't imagine your situation. I was told there was a book by Mr. Rogers that explained death to children. Maybe that could help. I haven't checked it out yet myself but I'm glad there is something out there I can go to. I'm sure there are other books too that deal with it. My one son told me that our cat is always part of our family and still lives in our heart. I was amazed that he could think that way and knowing that made him feel better. In time talking about her and the happy times will replace the unhappiness you feel now. Good luck and I hope you find something to help you deal with such a difficult time in your life.

J.,
I am so sorry for your family's loss. I can't even imagine what your all going through. My family has lost a few people and when I was 8 my little brother passed away, but we never really talked about it because everyone was scared to upset my Mom. Now that I'm older and lost my Dad a few years ago (he was 53 and killed by a train) I've realized that the best thing to do is talk about them as much as possible and keep their memory alive. Have your kids make collages or other art projects with pictures and stories that they can keep forever. The balloons with the letters is a great idea and something that can be made into a tradition. We have one too on my Dads b-day we go to his favorite spot at the river and have a picnic with a birthday cake. Remind your daughters that their sister will always be a part of them and her love is still theirs forever. I tell my kids all the time that Grandpa is in their heart and they like to hear it. I have a cute Dragonfly story I can share with you if you'd like to hear it I will type it out for you, just let me know. Dragonflies have become a symbol for my children and I to remind us that we will be with him again.
Peace to you and your family,
S.

One of the worst thing that happens when a person dies is people want to pretend they didn't exist, not because they didn't like the person but because the pain is so great from losing them.
How about sitting down with your younger children and ask them what they remember about their sister? Write it down on pretty paper or in a note card. Find as many pictures of her as you can, sit with the kids and pick out their favorites, talk about why they like it so much, what memories they have of her, write them briefly on the back. Put them in a special album or one of those multi-picture frames. Tape the note on the back in an envelope left open at the top so you can pull the note out. Give it to your husband for Christmas. If you want to make it really special, make a collage for his ex-wife (if he isn't a widower) and give it to her as well. It may be painful for both of them to see but they will be VERY happy to have them later.
Explain to the kids that this is the only way they can see her now but they need to try very hard to think of all the nice things about her so they can help your husband remember her forever. The picture and note project will give them a chance to talk about her and what it feels like not to have her around any more. And it will reinforce the good things about knowing her.
I am VERY sorry for your loss. I have 5 wonderful stepchildren and it brings tears to my eyes thinking about how hurt YOUR heart must be, I know my would split in two. God bless you and your family. *HUG*

I wish I had some advice for you, but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine having to go through a loss like yours at the same time as trying to help my husband and young kids through it. You have my sympathy. Stay strong. I'm sure your husband and kids are leaning on you, so be sure to take some time for yourself, too.

My 16 yr old son died 4 yrs ago and to help my daughter who is 10 now we talk about him alot. He will always be poart of our family. One thing we do is still celebrate his birthday - maybe go out to dinner or have a cake - but we always get balloons and write notes to him and let them go. We did this on the first anniv. of his death with all his friends and it was great!!! we must of sent up 200 balloons. Just don't ever stop talking about her-"boy this or that sure reminds me of her" or "remember when she did that?" Keep pictures of her up around the house and if you can go to the cemetery often and go with your other kids. We go there alot and we use to have a garden flag pole there and so each month we would change the flag according the the holiday or time of year. Good luck and I am so sorry for your loss!! Also if you think your husband or you need any medication to help with any deppression don't be afraid to go to a Dr. The lowest amount can do wonders!!

my dad died this year and we told my dd he lives in heaven which we call the clouds
so most days there are clouds and she talks to him sometimes and when she does some things i say grandpa was watching you and is very proud
i kiss her goodnight from him
my dad was only in his 50's so he wasn't old

Maybe you can try going to your local library and asking the chidlren's librarian for suggestions on books that deal with death and understanding death. I would also keep pictures of your stepdaughter out and mention her as often as possible. You can remind the children that she is an angel now, and is watching over them.

It is so awful to think of what you and your family are going through. I am so very sorry. I will keep you all in my prayers.

I am so sorry for your lost. It must be such a diffcult time for your family. My mother past away almost two years ago, she was only 65, after living with us for 3 years. I am a family daycare provider and all the children I watched knew her as Grandma. There was one little girl who it really affected. She would stay by me and tell me how she did not want me to be sad because my mommy died. One day we were drawing pictures and she drew pictures for Grandma. It was hard to fight back the tears. We made my mom's bedroom into the playroom after a year of it being empty and when it was finished the little girl told me she knew Grandma would really like what we did with her room. I hung a angel in the room that belonged to my mother. Of course there were more tears!!My own children are teenagers, but the one thing I have done is made sure to talk about her. I don't force it, there's no need to she's in my thoughts everyday. With the children in my care we have talked a lot about how they have an angel watching over them, colored pictures for grandma, and even talked to grandma on a play phone. All of these were started by the kids. They wanted to talked to grandma on the play phone to tell her how much they liked the new playroom.
Mr. Rogers as pamplets and books that may help you. Check out his website. I am not sure of the site but I am sure if you google Mr. Rogers you should be able to find it.I believe you can get his pamplet and activity book at www.fci.org. Another good book is Where is Grandpa? by T.A. Barron.Also you can get in touch with Rainbows. Rainbows provides support for young children dealing with divorce, loss of love ones and death. The number I have for them is ###-###-####. I believe they are in Rolling Meadows.There may be one closer to you. I hope this information can help you a little.
My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family during this very difficult time.
Cheryl

Cheryl

Hello, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I would say become familiar with the grieving process. Also, don't rush the process. Always be available to talk about your step daughter, even if your children or husband don't bring her up. Alot of times people try not talk about the deceased person, but it is healthier to talk about it. Always keep her memory alive, whether it is looking at picturees, talking about memories, or visiting the cemetary. Last but certainly not least, Pray, pray, pray!! Never underestimate the power of prayer. You and your family will be in my prayers.

T.

I don't have any advice for you. I just wanted to tell you how terribly sorry I am for your loss. I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you go through this hard time.

Hi J. - I have 3 daughters 18, 16, and 7. When my 2 oldest daughters were about your kids age my dad passed away. We started sending balloons up to heaven to grandpa. Anytime we would go out to eat and they would get a balloon they would send it to heaven. When our dog passed away they did the same thing. I now have my 7 year old and we have taught her to do the same thing. When my grandmother passed away last year we bought a balloon for every grandkid my grandma had (I think there were about 23) and after the dinner we all went out to the front yard and said a prayer and we all released them at the same time to grandma in heaven!! It was such a beautiful sight and my daughters always want to send balloons to heaven to the ones we've lost. When my daughter starts missing grandma I ask her if she wants to send a balloon to her. It usually makes her feel better!

I hope this helps!