Dear Moms, I Need Help.......... :-(

My big trick is to go on timeout when I'm angry, and deal with NOTHING until I've calmed down. This meant when kiddo was little I'd say:

"Mommy is going on TIME OUT." Scoop kiddo up, put him safely in his crib with a baba or sippy depending on his age... and march myself outside. 5-10 minutes of peace and quiet later I'd go back inside... thank kiddo for mommy's time out and go about our lives.

I also never blamed him. Lets face it HE was the one who ________ to which I went crosseyed and wanted to bang my head against a wall (lol)... BUT

a) I'm the one who over reacted
b) It's not his fault I over reacted
c) As a toddler he isn't even capable of being responsible for himself, much less me.

So I would take total blame for any and all of my reactions to his behaviors. If I had to go on timeout, he wouldn't get punished for the behavior (when he was little), because by the time I had recovered, it was too late to have a teaching moment. Which was even more of an impetus for me to stay calm the NEXT time.

As he got older I would send him to his room and tell him we'd talk about it after *I* had had a timeout and calmed down. But toddler-wise, he was too young for delayed cause and effect. And if I hadn't delayed I would have seriously regretted my behavior. So a natural consequence of ME throwing a fit, is that I didn't get to also discipline him. Sort of like "He wants a toy, throws a fit, doesn't get it" for me equaled "I wanted to discipline my son, but threw a fit, so I didn't get to".

As time went by, timeouts taught me the same kind of self control they teach kids. Which is a good thing. Especially, if you belive as I do, that getting emotionally invested in an argument with a child is the same as getting emotionally invested in an argument with a piece of furniture.

SO THAT ASIDE....

Honey, if you're feeling like you're losing it/ losing yourself... seek help. It may be a chemical imbalance, it may be hormones that could be fixed, it may be depression, it may be 1 of 100 things. You deserve to feel like yourself. And if it's more than just needing to "practice your patience" (like me), why tie yourself up in knots when there is an "easy" fix? AKA, see a doctor, have tests run, get dx'd, get better.

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Reading your post sent me back in time when my daughter was 3 she has a sensory processing disorder, so she would do things she knew she was not suppose to just to get a reaction out of me. she would start fights with her brother (even gave him a black eye) she would scream and kick and bite if you tried to calm her down our put her in a time out. I think the other moms have given really good advice about talking to your doctor but you may also want to have your child evaluated because from your post it sounds like you are really only having problems with your 2 year not all your children which I think is not typical of post pardum. I hope you can get some help and find some answers. Please remeber you are not alone (((Hugs)))

You have a 9 month old? This could be post partum depression from the newest baby. I've read that PPD can come on up to a year after birth. Call your OB ASAP! S/he will be able to refer you to a therapist. Just because the last one didn't really help, doesn't mean that you shouldn't try it again.

You should be proud of yourself that you are recognizing that there is a problem and reaching out for help...that is the first step.

My heart goes out to you, I know how hard it is and how guilty you feel when you have the "I can't even be around you" hours/days/weeks/months!!!!

Best of luck to you in dealing with this.

Oh, I also wanted to say that it sounds like you would use a night out. Maybe hubby could watch the kiddos and you can catch a movie with a girlfriend, or just go out to the beach or something. Maybe a little refresher is in order!

I would go see a psychiatrist... you know what is normal for you, and if you cant get the help you need from one source try another! Postpartum depression is a serious problem! You need to get help before the problem gets worse, so you can have a normal, loving relationship with your daughter. ~Also, It would be very inappropriate to get hate mail for this post! you are recognizing a problem in your life, and trying to get help. good for you! many mothers in this situation would deny any problem, to avoid being seen as "less than perfect."

My goodness honey! You need to seek help right now! I was like this with my first daughter when she was 3. I felt like I could just throw her out a window at times. Turns out, I wasn't being consistent with discipline. Once I started working more with her, things got better. I am praying for you, but beyond that, you really need to step back and maybe have someone keep her for a few days while you seek some counseling. If you have a pastor, call him and see if you can refer you to someone who can help. Sometimes just sitting down with a stranger and spilling the beans can help. This website is full of loving people who can relate at times. You can always reach out here too.

I think its great and brave of you that you have acknowledged these feelings. these feelings are not rare nor are they something to be ashamed of or hide. I'm sure there are many parents who have felt the same way if they are honest with themselves. To acknowldge it and get help is the first step in solving the problem! And to go on this way is noway to live. Your youngest child is only 9 months old so it is possible that you may need help for PPD? Maybe because you are dealing with a 9 month old and a 5 year old the problems with your 2 year old seem magnafied?
I know it sounds too simple but what you must do when you feel yourself nearing the point of rage is to get a grip, take a deep breath, calm down and walk away for awhile until you can get yourself together. tell yourself over and over I'ts not that serious. I had to practice the same thing with my son because he will try the patience of a saint. No point in expecting other family members to understand because they are not the one dealing with it all day. I've talked to family members about my children and how hard it can be at times and they just blow me off or have nothing to say. If they do its not helpful advice.
some kids just need more attention than others. Is she on a strict schedule? Is she looking for attention? Just a few suggestions.

Speaking your deepest darkest feelings out loud takes bravery, so I applaude you. Don't be ashamed or embarrased about how you feel. You feel this way for a REASON. I think all roads to seeking help start out with your family doctor or ob. Make an appointment asap and tell them what you told us. As an adult, one of the hardest things to do is ask for help. But if you need help, by all means ask for it! Good luck to you and I am sending you hugs and support. Hang in there sweetie!

I applaud your willingness and ability to admit that something is wrong. And even if your feelings might seem 'ugly' to others, you're being HONEST and REAL instead of just pushing them aside or ignoring them. Good job, mom! Now, make an appointment with your OB/GYN or your primary care physician (whomever you're more comfortable with) to talk about this. It may feel scary or you may feel bad or guilty but be honest with him/her about your thoughts and how you feel about your two year old. It will help the doctor decide what course of treatment should be taken.

You may need to be seen by a psychiatrist (for possible medical management of your issues) and/or a psychologist for regular therapy. Please do not feel embarrassed or stigmatized by this; if you broke your arm or were severely ill you wouldn't think twice about seeing a doctor. So, just like when something physically is wrong, you should see a trusted professional when something is mentally/emotionally off.

Trust me - you're not crazy but you are stressed and overwhelmed. You just need an unbiased professional who can help you start to feel better and give you techniques to help you sort through things.

Good luck and hang in there. I hope things get better for you :)

I commend you on your bravery........now extend it a little further and seek help, help from your husband (if you have one), help from your mom, help from a phsycologist, or counselor, and help from your friends. Be honest with them as you have us and relief will come flooding to you.God speed

N.,
I would call my family Dr today to get an appt asap and get explain to the Dr. very honestly the upset and feelings you are having. You need to tell him/her you need add'l help besides the social wrkr you saw, be it another psychologist or psychiatrist. Maybe the social wrkr you saw was not the right one for you. Whoever you see you need to tell them you would like to learn or be taught coping mechanisms on how to handle your feelings when your 2 yr old pushes your buttons, they may even suggest and anti-depressant to help for a while. What is the child doing that is so upsetting to you? If you are a stay at home Mom I would ask around and see if there are any neighbor girls who are at least 12-13 who would be interested in being a mother's helper who can come in to play with the 2 older kids a few hrs a day or every other day so you can have some time on your own or with just the baby. She might also be willing to help with minor things around the house for you, folding laundry, picking up, light cleaning etc but mainly there to give you a break and to entertain the kids. I don't think you would have to pay much as long as you are in the house with her likely $5-6/ hr. In the fall if you 2 yr old is potty trained maybe you should get in into preschool for a few 1/2 days a week to allow you some time of your own with the baby assuming the 5 yr old will be in school too. Pls promise you will be sure to call your Dr to get help asap.You may also want to talk to your pastor if you are church going for some counseling or advice. You have a great deal on your plate right now and husbands unfortunatley dont always understand the stresses what their wives go thru in a day with 3 little kids, especially if one is challenging. I hope this helps. Hugs to U.

Ok heres something that I haven't heard people ask yet. Was your 5yr old an easy child. I also have three kids and can I tell you my first was a walk in the park. If all of them would turn out that way I would have had 10...lol. Seriously though is part of it because your 2ys old is hard to handle? you didnt mention the things that she does that push your buttons the most. Is it everything about her or is it more the way she behaves? Just wondering. Good advice from every mom that I have read, but most if not all went right to post partum, which I agree could be the problem. I had it with 2 of my kids so I totally understand, but for me it affected me as a whole not so much just one child. Not to say at all that that is not possible. Just trying to give you all the thoughts and advice any of us can think of. Maybe though it's not that you have PPD maybe its the stress of all three and that your 2yr old is a little more than your stress level can manage to handle. All kids are different and some are just over the top through no fault of our own as parents it's just the way they are. Like the one mom that said about the sensory issue. I agree you should talk to someone cause what your feeling isnt safe for your child or your own sanity. This is all just another angle I am trying to give to you. I think you should really think about what it is that she does that botters you and talk to a professional that could tell you if it is PPD or if it is that your child is just a little more than you can handle right now. When did you start feeling this way about your little girl? Has it been this way since she was a baby or since the new baby came, when she hit a milestone? Has it gotten worse. just giving you some things to think about for when you go talk to your doctor that might help you. i wish you the best of luck and like so many other mother s her I also applaud you for coming forward and wanting to do whatever you can to change this. Best of luck to you and i hope you find some answers, help and peace in your life soon. Good luck

Speak with your OB/GYN first. Call and let the receptionist know that you need a consultation appointment, not an exam. They schedule these for different times and for different lengths. Be honest with your doctor- they are trained to help you find the right path. Don't be alarmed if you are offered an anti-anxiety or antidepressant as a short-term help while you find a good therapist.

What you are going through is not abnormal, but it is serious and it sounds very much like Post-Natal Mood Disorder (it's actually in the DSM now, which is a good thing). There are therapists who specialize in working with women coping with your feelings- your doctor should have a list available for you.

Good luck- remember that sometimes mommy needs a time-out too. As long as your children are safely "corraled", don't be afraid to walk away from them for a few minutes. Go into the bathroom, take a few deep breaths, splash some cold water on your face and when you are more calm, go back out.

Just because they are ours it doesn't mean that we like them all the time! I admitted that to myself a long time ago. We love them always but not always like them. That being said, sounds like you need a time out. Post Pardum can hit long after they are born, also. It's not always immediate. I agree with what another mom said. You need to be really candid with your OB/GYN re how you feel around your child. If they hear you they will recommend some therapies like counseling or maybe a course of anti-depressants if you are receptive. We all have anger management issues with our kids, I do anyway. You aren't alone. If possible, leave the children with a trusted friend or family member for a few hours and take a walk or do something that you enjoy to regroup. I hope this helps .

Find a mental health professional ASAP!! They helped me out so much after my very difficult identical twin pregnancy (I also have a very complex special needs child as well). They are wonderful, a great resource, talk therapy is wonderful its a place for me to vent all of my problems without someone judging me.

We can all empathize, to a certain degree with you, and it's hard when people say, "don't let them get to you". Different personalities react different ways to stressors.

I'm an admitted stress case. I am always worried, always finding a "cause" to be passionate about, and I can't process my emotions well by myself.

When I finished chemo, learning to be a cancer survivor was really hard for me. My kids were 9 months and 2.5 years. I asked to be referred to therapy. The only person available was the psychiatrist. I never took a prescription because I wanted to work through the issues. Had I needed one, I would have taken it.

A good therapist will help you understand what it is about your 2 year-old that sets you off. It may be a social worker, it may be a psychologist or psychiatrist. Your doctor can only prescribe medications, they can't help identify and work through the problem.

You obviously want to be a mom. Anyone with 3 kids wants motherhood. But, it's not easy, and you're not alone. You are seeking advice, and I hope we've all been able to help you. Your 2 year-old needs a mom who is loving, demanding, supportive, and engaged.

I personally think the best thing you can do is find out why she stresses you out so much and work to improve it.

Good luck! Call your doctor, ask for referrals, ask the Social Worker for referrals. I hope it improves soon.

Call a psychologist that works with depression, tell her that you need to be seen immediately. Call your hospital's new mom hotline. It is great that you realize that you need help and are trying to get it.

Seeking help is a good thing to do. I think this book might help you a lot:

"The Difficult Child"

http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Child-Expanded-Revised/dp...

It's possible you might be depressed (I don't think so, but I'm no medical expert), but it's also possible your 2 yr old might just have a temperament that is very difficult to deal with and you need to find a way to cope with it.
I think the book will give you some ideas. You are not alone and it's not your fault. Good luck!

With my first daughter I experienced similar feelings to what you are describing and I actually had my doctor refer me to a therapist and I was prescribed anti-depressants which helped tremendously. If you visit one social worker or doctor and they minimize your concerns-move on to one who can assist you in a health, concerning way,sounds like the social worker wasn't hearing you.

I know exactly how you feel! I have a 4y.o., a 2 1/2y.o., and a 6m.o. and my middle boy drives me crazy! It's like he knows all the "right" buttons to push to just make me so mad! And he's been doing things that I know he knows is wrong, even as I'm telling him not to do something he gets this evil little grin and does it! I'm trying to figure out what to do too....I don't like the way I get with him...it just doesn't feel right, like I'm losing that "bond" with him. I've just been trying the "mommy timeout" thing that the other mommies on here have been talking about. It works, sometimes. If you ever need to talk though, just let me know! I'm always on Yahoo! :D

I hope you find something that works though! Good luck! Let me know if you find anything that really works! lol

Dear Toomuch2handle,
I feel you! I understand completely and I've been there. I have 3 children very close in age and when I had an infant and a 2 year old and 3 year old I thought I might lose my mind!
You need a break, and some Zoloft or something. I started on Zoloft when my youngest was 6 months old. I was on it for 18 months and then was able to ween myself off when things go a little easier. It made a huge impact on my daily ability to function and take care of my children without losing my mind.
Can you call a close family member or a friend and explain to them that you need a serious break. They don't understand your need unless you tell them how desperate you really are. If you can catch a break once or twice a week that will really help tremendously. Even if it's just to go to the gym, go to Barnes and Nobles, get a coffee and just sit outside and enjoy peace and quiet. I even for a short period of time went to a therapist to talk about my frustrations with my middle child and parenting as a whole.
Also, I recommend reading. There is a good book called, Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, by Kevin Leman. This book helped me deal with my middle child and helped me understand his role in the family. I was able to better relate to him.
If you ever want to talk please feel free to message me, I have been there and I know exactly what you're going through. There is hope...they do get older and a little more independent and able to express their feelings and that will help too. As time goes by you will see great improvements. Don't lose sight of what is important. Be consistent, and firm, but also remember they are only children who want your love and attention!
God Bless.
T.

I agree with the other moms here that you need to get professional help immediately - and kudos to you for recognizing it.

My only other thought is - what is going on with your daughter? I agree with the theory that when children are the most unloveable - that is when they need the most love. Is it possible that she has issues that need to be addressed, and in doing so it would help your whole family?

Does she have any sensory processing issues, food intolerances, sleep disturbances, or developmental delay? When children suffer through these problems it can severely affect the whole family, especially the mom. IMHO moms are biologically "wired" to be extremely sensitive to their children's needs. When a child is physically and/or mentally suffering - the mom really feels it too!

So . . . in addition to getting help for yourself think about what your daughter may need to help her live on a more even keel.

Good luck to you - praying for you.

I hope you don't get any hate mail but there are always those people who will try to shame you. DONT LET THEM GET TO YOU! Your feelings are yours and to you they are justifyed. I'd say go to a doc or a shrink who you can talk to hostestly, without the "oh my God, she is a bad mom". At times I dont like my oldest (11) she is JUST like my MIL in ways. But what I do is I make time to have one on one time with her, just she and I NO interuptions. I love her so much, but sometimes I just want to slap her. (actually slap MIL;-) But I'd really advise to see a doctor or therapist. something is going on and you dont want to make HER think she is undeserving of "mom's love" you can private message me if you want to talk. I'm a good listener.

Best of whishes, skip the haters.

post partum depression is difficult to be diagnosed, many healthcare workers dismiss is at tired mom.
here what i think you should do. go to your general doctor and explain in detail what is going on with your feelings. in meantime remove your 2 year old from the house, send her to your mom's place for then time being. also explain to mom that you need to find out what is wrong with you, and since you can tell your anger is being triggered by the 2 year olds behavior, you think it's best she's not around until you get some help.
this is nothing against you. nothing to be ashamed about. i mean nothing, this is to protect your child, and you in the long run until things get better.
why did you see a social worker?
do you have insurance? even if you don't call your general doctor or your ob or anyone. no one should turn you away from seeking and finding help. please call

Seek out Therapy for yourself.
For your child, do you think something is really wrong with this child? Talk to the Pediatrician....
Each child is different... each child has difficulties....and differing personalities... but if you think this child is really more than what is normal behavior, then ask your Pediatrician.

What EXACTLY is your 2 year old doing, that is so severely affecting you and driving you crazy? Is it only with you that she acts this way? Or is it everyone? Or is it normal age related developmental difficulties?
Discern... what the problem is.... discern it....
ie: if this child is this way with everyone... then it is a behavioral difficulty of the child.... for whatever reason, overall. But, if your girl is only this way with you... then it is a dynamic between the both of you and relational.... for example.
Is your child also negatively affecting your other kids? Your Husband? Or just you?

You said after she was born you 'thought' it was PPD... but has it been formally diagnosed? If not, then you should see a Doctor, and get a proper diagnoses or exam.... maybe it is just hormonal or thyroid.... or stress....

Was she a 'difficult' child since birth? Or was she just being a normal baby? Was this birth more difficult? What IS IT... about this child... that causes you to 'not like her...'????? have you 'bonded' with her? Or do you just not like her... ?

You really need some professional help with this. As you said, your 'nerves are shot.' You are at the end of your rope.

What is your Husband and Mom saying about it? How come they don't 'see' it too? Is your child fine with them?

Also, you really probably need a break from the kids... just YOUR time. Solo. Or you will get more burnt out....

I don't have any answers, just thoughts. Sorry.
But I wish you the best,
Susan

wow you sound like me talking about MY 2nd! IThis past couple weeks has been especially bad! UGH! She is almost 3 and is just EXTREME! That is the only word that totally fits her... wether she being sweet or bad it's extreme! If she gives you a hug she's gonna strangle you, if she gets mad she's gonna swing and kick like she's fighting for her life! She has NO idea of how to express herself in a normal manner. You give her a compliment and she doesn't know what to do so she pokes you in the eye... ugh!
She is on a very strict schedule (as are my other 3) and she gets plenty of sleep. We go do fun things and have playgroup once a week. I don't have these problems with my others. We are being very consistent with discipline but nothing seems to work!
I know I haven't given you any advise but I just wanted to say that I don't think YOU are the one with the problem as far as having a chemical imbalance or anything because you don't seem to have these issues with your others. I hope you can figure out a way to "get along" with your daughter and have only fun times with her! if you do PLEASE let me know the secret!
Good Luck!

Oh N....I am so sorry you are feeling like this! First let me just remind you that ALL children are different, so what you are experiencing with your 2 year old you may not have experienced with the others and if your 2 year old is like my 3 yr old she is NOT AN EASY CHILD. He wasn't from birth and EVERYONE around me agrees. However, he is very smart, independent, strong willed and despite my stresses is quite an interesting character that I'd rather have over anything else. He IS myself and my husband - ughh! hahahah! I love my son to death but serioulsy he can make me question everything I chose. He's my first - usually people say your first is "easy" as lifes way of making you want another - HAHAHAHAH - thats the biggest joke in my household! Surprisingly enough though I still want another (OMG help me!) With that being said, I DO recognize that I just can't deal with him when I am tired and stressed, which is OFTEN. I find that my actions are TERRIBLE at those times -which like I said is often as a full time working mother. I can ONLY IMAGINE what you must have going on with THREE children. I think its good that you spoke to a social worker and she thought it was normal stress...I'd continue to speak to a therapist if I were you ( I do and it amazes me when she tells me that I am stressed, over worked and have a lot going on b/c she validates it, but to myself I just keep putting more and more pressure on me) Do you take ANY time to your self? Do you get any help? I've learned to that sometimes we as mothers just get so stressed out and ran ragged that we get caught in this black hole of negativity and our smart toddlers know it and we bring them down with us. I'm reading this book right now "when you're about to go off the deep end, don't take your kids with you" Actually I'm trying to read it, I don't have much time...i also am reading (trying to) "positive discipline for preschoolers" and I've already read a book that was called someething like "your 3 year old, your friend or enemy" and I LAUGED OUT LOUD at the first paragraph that described my life exactly! You child is 2, but I KNOW that from 18 months on, developmentally children can be challenging...terrible twos are not just at two. It really helped me to understand my child, to understand me and to work hard at trying to have the both of us mesh so that life wasn't so miserable! I felt as if I was losing my mind and as if I NEVER should have become a mother...I felt as if things just kept getting harder and harder. My child will fight to the death if you engage him - normally so would I but I have learned to STOP that cycle. I often said jokingly to my friends that I could understand why people hit their child or lose it and I THANKED GOD that I always had enough sense to step away when I was really losing it. Its sad that many people can not. I don't know if you could say its normal or not to feel that way but I think its more common that many want to admit. The key is CONTROLING yourself and managing your stress so that you DO NOT do anything bad to your child. You have not, thats very good. You are reaching out, thats good too. I suggest education, therapy, stress relief and help.

oh a side note regarding stress: These ares STRESSFUL times with the economy, I see we live near each other...not only is it stressful times with the economy but we live in a stressful part of the country to begin with and we live at the beach in the middle of the summer, again more stressful than usual in this state. It seems EVERYONE around me is stressed out, so dont' underestimate it...you might just be even more stressed about LIFE in general than you realize and on top of being the mother of 3, with a child who is clearly giving you more stress, you really need to understand and not beat yourself up - just do what it takes to make it change!