Dealing with the Father of Your Child

Hello my name is J. , I am a single father of two wonderful girls , I don't regret a moment of time with them or raising them on my own , In your readings you seem to already know the truth and the lies that you are given , so try reverse psycoliogy on him . Be nice to him on the phone always sound very postive when talking with him only keep the conversation about your child only not other things who cares what he has to say he is a liar. Keep a calendar going as to when he calls or sees his child also if he says bad things to you in person or on the phone . then the next time he wants to see his child be happy for him to come and serve him child custody papers and child support papers as well , the best way to get to him is thru his wallet , it always hurts all men . Besides who ever he is with now is also getting all his new lies and is willing to listen him, there loss , You sound like a wonderful kind hearted person and deserve better than a loser , remenber not all men are liars and guys like him make me sick !!! God Bless your Choices J.

My ex dumped me and our then one year old son. Shortly thereafter I found out he'd been having an affair and had moved her into our house. Long story short, we never got back together, I remarried and had many issues with my new husband as my son's stepfather. Whenever I referred to my ex-husband it was always with the word "stupid" (or worse) in front of it. It took about 3 years to stop feeling personally hurt, and 17 years to stop feeling hurt for my son. My son's now 18 and I just recently really forgave my ex-husband.
You can't get rid of those feelings. You will have them.

But you have to do what is best for your son, and the best thing is that he has contact with his father, as long as the father is not abusive or bad. You can not be sure of what the future holds for his relationship with your son, but you MUST put your personal feelings aside and help promote the relationship between the two of them. It is best for your son if you always act friendly to your ex, no matter how you feel. It's REALLY hard, and the JERK does not deserve it, but it's not about him, it's about your baby. You don't have to forgive, but do play the good co-parent. Also, as a woman, even if the guy were still with you, you'd probably be doing most of the work anyway. Women are superior! Remember you are doing it for your son!!

this truly is a hard place to be. but forgive yourself for believing the lies... don't blame yourself for any of his stupidity. and know you have a wonderful that you love and adore. be thankful you don't see him every other weekend or that other woman is not there on a regular basis to "bond" with your child. at least not until you have gotten over the hurt and anger. it does go away.. peeks out every once in awhile.. but do what is best for your son. keep the lines open... email him the updates.. and make the calls simple if necessary at all.. tell him you are more comfortable with keeping in touch via email and keeping phone calls to a minimum... would like those calls to only be for your sons benefit.. and move on with your life. you will NEVER and i mean NEVER understand all of it. you will NEVER know all the truth. and trying to figure it out will tear you apart.. i know from personal experience. chin up and know that you are not alone in your feelings.

S.,
Your going to have to find some way to get past your feelings, either close friends you can spill to or maybe a profesional. As a child of divorced parents who could have written the book what not to do to your kids after divorce I ahve learned alot about what I would do if my husband and I split. One of the most important things is not to talk bad about you ex anywhere around your child and not to allow anyone else to say anything negitive about you ex around your child, (my brother and i both had to listen to my mom and her family and friends say really bad things about my dad) and we both went through a phase around 12-15 where we decided that if he was bad and we were half him that ment we were bad too, and of course lived up to it, bad grades, bad behavior, etc. Also by trying to put my brother and myself in the middle(we lived full time with my mom, and visited my dad) and making us choose between them, my dad lost his son, (my brother hasn't spoken to my dad in 14 years, and didn't attend my grandfathers funeral because he didn't want to see my dad) and my mother lost a daughter, I have a much closer relationship with my dad and step mpm, and rarely talk to my mom.You can't protect your child from everything, and if his dad starts to tell lies to your son, you need to support your son in expressing his feelings about it, and at some point he will learn that he can't rely on his dad, (make sure you have other good male role models, such as your dad, your ex's dad (if they are involved) aunts, uncles or famiily friends for you son to look up to, but don't attempt to replace his dad in his mind. Your son as he grows will decide what type of relationship he is going to want to have with his dad, and how much he is willing to trust him. hope this is helpfull
Amanda

S.,
I'm sorry you are going through this rough time in your life. Have you tried seeking a medical professional to talk to? It may do you some good to try that avenue. Once you can work through your anger, hurt feelings, you will be able to fully concentrate on your son.
Raising a child is hard enough but with ex's who make it harder on you, well that just adds more stress to the situation. Instead of the bi-monthly calls, can you email instead? Do you blog? I have a blog site set up so my family can see what's going on in my families life. We don't always get a chance to call or send pictures so for me to blog seemed like the ideal choice. You can write whatever and post pictures. Try www.blogger.com
Whether you like it or not, he is the father. And you will have 17 more years to either get along with him or learn to work around the issues you have with him. It seems you are better off without him.
Hang in there and keep your chin up!

As crazy as it sounds but the best thing you can do for yourself is to talk to a therapist. It may or may not have crossed your mind but I really think it will help you overcome any fears or anxieties you may have about the father. I have recently seperated from my husband of 13 years. He tells me over & over how much he loves me & the boys, I have 2 sons 10 & 6yo but his career comes first in his life. I recently have discovered many lies as well over the years. Basically Im horrified of my future and the future of my son's. But I did visit a therapist by myself because I felt like I was going crazy. These visits gave me confidence and put most of my loose answers into perspective. I found the therapist through my HR department (a program called CONCERN)most companies have this as a free advantage. I am not sure if your working or not but I would check into options on visiting one. I only saw her for 5 visits and I am a much stronger person and can deal with my demeaning and verbal abusive husband when he gets this way with me. Its very hard to put your feelings aside but stay focused on your son and always be truthful to him. As he gets older and matures to a level of understanding, your honesty will always win him over regardless if his father stays in his life or not. My son's are my best friends. My 10yo understands more than I thought and we have the best relationship. I listen to him and he listens to me. We stay honest and keep our anxieties in check. Just think not only were my anxieties hard to deal with but how do you help a 10yo with anxieties. But all 3 of us are adjusting to this change of being alone and we are moving forward every day. Make sure you educate yourself on child support for your son. The best thing you can do for yourself is to educate yourself and I think by visitng a therapist and finding out what your rights are for the father to be financially responsible to will help. I hope this helps. Stay strong and remember as alone as you might feel, someone better is out there waiting for you. Even if its just a friend! Take care.

You are sure in a rough place right now! Of course you have strong emotions about all this, who wouldn't! I can tell you the best thing I ever did after I separated from my own ex, was to get a counselor who could help me work through all that and get back on track. Some of the things that help me (even still, after sixteen years!):

*deal with your ex as though this is a business relationship: you have some business with him, not some drama.

* put a notepad and pen by the phone, document every call and every visit. This is going to be necessary when you go to court to get child support. (That way he can't pull something like saying he has your son half time and claim he shouldn't have to pay. If he lies to you, he'll lie to the judge too - mine sure did!.) Write down everything with date and time.

*don't talk about your ex in front of your son.

*take a vigorous exercise class or even better, martial arts.

*set up a separate email account and give him that address. Send him updates when he wants to hear about your son, instead of talking with him on the phone. Save all his emails to you on your computer and add them to your file.

best of luck!

Try to love yourself a little more. If you don't value yourself, no one will.
There are tons of jerks in this world but with luck you will find someone who can be a real man next time and value you for what you are. Be thankful that you will be "alone" raising your baby,and this way you can be a role model for him and in spite of the father's weaknesses (lies, etc), he will be raised differently.
Good luck
L.

WOW!! All I can say is WOW!!! These people on here have really opened their heart to you S.~ Life if hard already, and raising 2 sons on my own has been difficult. I wanted to make my boys' happy by getting back together with their father, thought maybe this is the best thing for us- "family again" but in reality- after 6 months I find myself in the same life we had back then. So lesson learned- never try to make your kids happy by hurting yourself, if they see you happy- then they will be happy. All these ideas are wonderful especially the ones about email and keeping conversations short. You don't owe him a report, he screwed up your "fairy tale" let him do what he has to do to see him or hear his voice once your son is older. Good luck and yes, lets both keep each other in prayer :)