Dealing with Other Parents

A friend who works with hemophiliacs told me the head forward method, ice on the neck, is what works. Since hemophiliacs can bleed to death from a nose bleed, I trust her method. Next time, try to step up and say "thanks, I'm here." Then do what you need to do.

"Thanks! I appreciate you helping out. Jane, let's go to the bathroom and get cleaned up." Then handle it the way the doctor told you to.

Don't feel bad, I've been caught off guard and done this myself here and there. After, I wonder why I didn't speak up. The other day my van was open with my son sitting in it while waiting to pick up my other child from school. I was standing outside the van talking to this other mother and her large dog. Her dog jumped in my van and was just walking around inside with my child in it, she thought it was cute and funny. After I was kicking myself for not telling the dog to get out, because I didn't know this dog and you just never know! The dog was also a pitbull, which bad rap or not, I shouldn't have taken the chance.

I usually just say, "it's ok, I've got it. Thanks for your help." I've found that most people will step aside if the parent says they've got it.

By the way, I had many nose bleeds as a child, and I always used your method - leaning forward until the bleeding stops. I don't know where anyone got the idea that leaning back would be helpful. The only thing that does is cause the blood to drip into the throat.

"Thanks, I'll take it from here. Her doctor has instructed us to do it this way."

Here's what I would have done (my younger son had massive nose bleeds, ugh!) "Thanks for the help. I'll take it from here..." and I would have walked my child to the bathroom or anywhere AWAY from this mother.

She does not seem to understand that tilting the head back just makes the blood run down the throat, and does nothing to help form a clot. The problem with trying to "educate her" is that your daughter needed immediate attention from you. So it's best to just ignore the woman's ignorance and wrest your daughter away from her and do what the doctor told you to do.

You don't have to "stand by what you feel is right". You just have to take over the management of your daughter's situation.

The moms on this thread have given you some great one-liners for future reference. But for this past experience, don't beat yourself up! You were in a situation where your real attention was focused on your daughter's health. It wasn't the right moment for Assertiveness 101. And long term, sounds like, no harm done. So save the lesson for next time and let this one go.

Did this mother know that you were there? If she did, then that took some nerve! If she didn't know you were there, then she did nothing wrong since you didn't speak up. I used to be like you years ago - in which I didn't know how to say no to people, or to speak up. I understand how you felt - I used to have the same feeling, but you need to try to get over it and speak up - or else people will walk all over you (which is what happened to me). I know hind sight is 20/20, but in hind sight, you could have said, "Excuse me, I am "Anna's" mom. Thank you for wanting to help, but Anna is prone to nose bleeds, and her pediatrician instructed me to do it a different way." I know you will be able to work up the courage to say something similar to that in the future. Best wishes to you, and please remember the very important skill of knowing how to say no to people/speak up.

Since she already got away from you, you just have to put it in your mind that you will thank the person and take over and it will happen for you next time.

I can remember about 2 nose bleeds in my life. I don't know how that is because it is extremely dry here. Both my daughters had problems with nose bleeds. The older one had to have her nose cauterized.

The doctor told me with the older daughter that leaning backwards causes blood to go into the stomach and then cause a stomach ache. So we don't do that.

Someone on here suggested putting ice on the upper pallet and it works!!! It's too bad MP wasn't around when my older daughter was young and had all those nose bleeds. Anyway, it works like a charm.

They also say to wad up tissue and put it under your top lip because the vessel is there and it puts pressure on it. I have never tried it but can only imagine picking toilet paper out of my little one's mouth after it stops.

Her method is outdated and incorrect.

Certainly she was just trying to help, though. Be prepared next time you need to tend to your child (whether it's a nose bleed or a scraped knee or whatever) to say, "I'm her mom, thanks, but I've got it."

Sorry your daughter had to deal with this and sorry you felt so out of sorts. You'll do better next time! This sort of thing can take some practice... but you can do it. :)

My son also gets a LOT of nosebleeds due to a medical condition. The old way to treat a nose bleed is to tilt the head back. But this just causes you to swallow the blood. The correct way is to lean slightly forward and put a little bit of pressure until it stops. For my son, they can last half hour or more. Of course, if you happen to be home, salt pork works also.

When someone tells my son the wrong way, I just gently correct it. I have never had any problems. I just say that the right way to do it for him is.....

I guess I'm just very outspoken because I would say something - it confuses your child if not. There are very nice ways to say "I've got this covered, but thank you."

Your kids take priority...too bad if another person, especially an adult, doesn't like how you raise your kids.

How is your daughter now? I think you felt embarrassed, but actually things came out all right.

I agree that it's good to pick your battles. If you jump into every battle that offers itself, you'll do nothing else.

I don't think courtesy and being assertive are necessarily mutually exclusive. You can be confident and authoritative "Oh, thanks, I've got this" -- give her a sincere smile, she was trying to help.

When there is an emergency or blood involved, that's not a time you need to worry too much about what other people are going to think if you step in, acknowledge their effort to help, and then do what you need to do. As long as we are being polite (not passive aggressive, either--- some people do that), if someone still gets offended, that's really their choice. No one knows everything and if a mom told me "my daughter's doctor said to do this"... I would believe her.

It's not rude to interrupt or contradict another person when your child's health is at stake.
She was trying to help, but her help was not what your pediatrician thought was best.
There was no reason for you not to step in and say, "I've got this. Honey, put your head forward and pinch your nose the way Dr. Smith showed you."

I probably would have said something like 'this happens all the time. the ped says she needs to lean forward and pinch her nose until the bleeding stops.' And don't be upset with yourself. It wasn't anything major and next time you'll have ideas in your head on what to say.

I would have simply said "thank you" as I put my arm around my daughter and walked her away. If she followed me, I would say, "thanks for your concern but she gets them often and we know how to handle it." Good luck.

NEVER NEVER NEVER put anyone else's feelings over the welfare of any member in your family.

Not contradicting her is one thing, but actually acting on her advice, that you knew was wrong, just to avoid confrontation is a whole other story. I hope you simply didn't correct her, but treated your daughter's bloody nose the way you know is best.

I would have no problem telling someone with a smile, "Thanks, but her doctor has actually told us to do it this way.". For your children's sake, so they learn how to speak up for themselves, for others, for what's right, please try to find that polite, but firm voice. We teach by example, remember.

you're not weak, hon, you were just taken by surprise. but you can take control of the situation without being rude. 'thanks so much, mary, i've got this!' and if necessary walk your child to the restroom.
a couple of my brothers had awful nosebleeds regularly as kids, and back then the doctors were in the 'pinch your nose and lean back' school of thought. the accepted practice now is what you do. i think the dang things just spurt until they're done no matter WHAT you do<G>.
so you don't have to challenge this woman and make her feel bad. just calmly take control of your own kids, and all will be well.
:) khairete
S.

Go with your gut. You should have spoken up.

Your daughter is fine now. No harm, no foul.

If your daughter was disappointed in her behavior in a situation, you would tell her just to learn from it and do better next time. Forgive yourself and she will forgive herself when she needs to. Channel your energy into productive changes and she will also.

Try speaking up in less important things. Make choices. Read some books on assertiveness. Speak up. There are worse things than being thought rude.

Meh, pick your battles. The one thing about medicine is two clinicians will never agree. Some think it helps to prevent swallowing and aspirating the blood, but for years docs said hold pressure and lean the head back. Really, as long as it stops it's not a big deal. Are you just not being sensitive because it was someone else's mother (woman) trying to help your child? I know we can all be territorial when it comes to our kids. Again, just remember-There is always more than one way to get something done. If you will be spending the next several years seeing this woman, keep it civil unless she is actually causing harm!

I would have just said "my daughter is prone to these" and then I would have looked at my daughter and said "let's do what your doctor instructed...tilt your head back..."

First of all what she said to do by today standards is incorrect. What you said is what dr will currently tell you.
I would say next time. Thank you but we are fine. Pull your daughter aside away from that woman.

"Excuse me, I'm her mother. I have this."

Yes. My GD burnt her hand with a hot glue gun while at a birthday party. Everyone pretty much ignored it. I stood right up and very loudly asked the hostess to please bring her some ice.

It's hard to imagine that you couldn't find your voice to correct this person when it comes to your child. You need to practice standing up for yourself and your children unless you want to teach your children to be a doormat and not speak up for themselves. Kids watch and learn from their parents.

We are all surprised by these things when they happen and hindsight is always 20/20. So now you can practice in your head for next time.

She would have been in for a shocker with my daughter...she is prone to nose bleeds and they will not stop until you pinch her nose very firmly for ten full minutes (I actually use a watch) while leaning forward. And if she tilts her head back she will swallow so much blood she will throw up.

She was using out of date first aid for nose bleeds...my daughter had one at my aunt and uncle's house and they immediately instructed her to tilt her head back (they are in their 80s). She knew to lean forward and pinch...and was already doing that by the time I got over to her. It was a good teaching experience for them as they keep her occasionally.

Don't beat yourself up!!