Dealing with a Loss

loss & grief is invasive....soul-shattering.....& it does get better.

17 years ago, we lost our daughter during her 2nd day of heart surgery. Last October, my father passed away on the anniv of her death. With every breath I took, I felt pain & hopelessness. Losing both of them on the same day .....even with 16 years between.....was so overwhelming that .... even now, I am tearing up.

But through the years, I have learned that I have to embrace my grief. I have to express it, I have to find a positive outlet for it. When I tried burying & denying my grief, I was a mess.....I was covered in rash, I could not sleep. I could not walk thru a store without crying. I could not stand the sight of babies....without feeling despair.

This continued until I read a book that first long winter. In it, an Indian squaw lost her child during a raid. The author described the pain so clearly that I felt it. But the author also said that once a child is born....that soul is forever twinned with the mother's. I feel this is true. It is this belief that has carried me through the loss of my daughter.

I also like to believe that my lifetime of memories with my father.....provides me with the same outlet. Sometimes catching a glimpse of one of my heirlooms triggers grief & a sense of loss.....but then I immediately flip those thoughts into the positive...& I remember how many old friends paid honor during his funeral. I think of his legacy.....one of being a gentleman, of always taking the time to speak with strangers. I think of the lake home he built over the span of 40+ years.....& all the memories attached.

Just 9 months prior to Dad's death, we also lost my MIL. My in-laws have yet to gather as a family....other than for reasons of "gifting". They skipped Christmas & all other holidays in these past 20 months, including honoring my MIL on her birthday. They gathered only when a child reached a milestone (graduation, baby shower, etc.). I hate to sound cynical.....but what happened to the BBQs, chili dinners, etc? All that is gone.

By contrast, my family made it a priority to continue to gather. We embraced our memories, we made danged sure we remembered the Good! To fall apart as a family is not in our makeup! & that is my recommendation for you.....to continue to rejoice as a Family. Elevate your Grandmother onto a pedestal. Make a cookbook of her recipes & share with everyone. Plant a tree in her memory.......do whatever it takes to flip life to the positive & embrace those memories.

Want to know what I've been doing for the past week? I'm right in the middle of the anniv of the birth of my daughter & the anniv of her death, which means Dad's death date, too. I have been prepping for a family reunion! Making poster boards of old photos to be identified, creating a scrapbook .....& all the while, I have a candle lit for my daughter & my Dad. It's a constant reminder that I'm thinking of them, I miss them, & they will be with me at the reunion. I truly wish you Peace. Feel free to contact me!

I am so sorry for your loss. Your grandmother was also lucky to have such a wonderful family. She sounds like she was an amazing woman. I lost both of my parents in the last 3 years within a little over a year apart. My mother suffered and never gave up. My dad's death to a stroke was very sudden and unexpected. I can tell you that it does get better. It's normal for you to be going thru this grieving process. I won't tell you that you'll stop tearing up when you think of her in years to come and still miss her terribly, but that's ok. Just keep yourself from getting too deep in the sadness part of your thoughts and remember the good parts of life you were able to share. My mother always said that you go on taking care of the living. Your grandmother wouldn't want you in so much sorrow. She's fine now, and it's you that needs to continue living this life. You can still talk to her whenever you like even if you feel it's a one way conversation, light a candle for her and be open to the tiny hints of her still here with you. I get reminders everyday of my parents. Also, a little shot of Nyquil works wonders. : ) May peace be with you.

I am so very, very sorry!! I'm very close to my grandmother too and she's 86. I lost my sister 3 years ago to a freak gun accident. It turned our world upside down. I was very distraught for a very long time. It caused mental, emotional and physical problems. I couldn't take any medication because I'm too allergic to everything. I wrote in a journal, prayed a lot to God for help, spent a lot of time with my family. I also got grief counseling, one on one, and went to a grief support group. I'd suggest you get some sort of help whether it's a support group or counseling. It really does help. It's so hard to go through this grieving process but you really need to go through it. There is no way around it. Right now the grief is overwhelming and hard to cope. This is normal. Eventually, you'll be able to cope with it and it won't take control of your life like it is now. Rest as much as you can. Take the time to grieve and don't be afraid of the sadness and sorrow. You'll be able to go on in life and make a difference in other people's lives because you've tasted such bitter sorrow. I now feel like I can be a blessing to others. I'm not afraid to love others. I'm not afraid to fail or be rejected. I just want to be a blessing to honor my sister's life. It took me 2-3 years to get to this point. Before that I was just in survival mode. Take what the doctor prescribed to get you to sleep and relax if you need for now. Don't depend on it long term though. Seek counseling. Good luck to you and know that I'm praying for you! HUGS!!

I'm sorry for your loss. You are grieving and I think you could benefit from grieve counseling. Call your local Funeral Homes and ask if they know of a free grief support group. It took me 6 months to go after I lost my sister and I felt like I was losing my mind from the pain and loss I felt. The support group was a tremendous help.

I am so very sorry for your loss. Your grandmother sounded like an incredible lady. As far as the medication is concerned please don't worry about becoming addicted. It isn't dangerous when used appropriately which is exactly what you are doing. I, too was prescribed a similar medication during a similar time in my life and it helped me tremendously. When we are grieving, anxious and physically ill with worry and sadness, the last thing we can manage to do is get a good night's sleep and yet, that is perhaps what we need most to help us get through our days. So, please don't feel guilty or worried about taking a medication that you need. Things will get better and you will no longer need it. (I no longer need or use the medication that was prescribed to me.) Just give yourself all the time that you need.

I'm so sorry, she sounds like a wonderful woman! I lost my father almost 8 years ago from cancer, he was only 49, and we were very close. Time will help you heal, but you can help distract yourself, by recalling good times, maybe make a scrapbook or little slide show to show the family for Christmas. Show service to others, these things can help you honor her memory and keep you busy.

To help you at night, perhaps you can have a little bedside notebook, and write down whatever is in your mind to help you relax. Try some meditation and deep breathing techniques.

It is okay to grieve and to mourn. Just remember that your gram would want you to celebrate her memory and not want you to be so sad. Take advantage of grief counseling, it can really help you continue to move forward.

As far as the low dose Klonopin goes, do not discontinue use right now. You would need to wean off of it slowly and under your Dr.'s care in order to avoid getting negative withdrawal side effects, which can be dangerous. Continue to take the low dose amount, and not to overtake if you feel anxiety, and to not take for extended periods of time to avoid addiction. Talk to your Dr about weaning off of it.

My mom died when I was 16 about 20 years ago and certain days are better than others, having a child of my own has reopened wounds in recent years because I get my mother a lot more now that I am one. This woman seemed to be a second mother to you and I would highly recommend a book called Motherless Daughters because even though you still have yours there are certain things that you shared more with your grandmother I am sure. I found this book a comfort, the author interviewed over 100 women who lost their mothers and noted the similarities we all shared and those that are particular to how old you are when your loved one passes. It is nice to know you are not alone. Take care and don't worry about the klonopin if it is just for sleep and not recreational.

I have lost two grandparents but was not particularly close to either, and I've never lost anyone I was close to. So I can't help with the grief portion of this. But I did want to say that your comments about your gram are really inspiring to me because I never had the experience of being so close to a grandparent. I want that for my children, and I want to be that kind of grandparent when the time comes. It's inspiring to hear about someone who did that because, in my life, getting old has meant becoming (more) plaintive and difficult and burdensome. I am hoping there's another way, and so your story gives me hope that there is. I have a wonderful mother and a wonderful mother-in-law, and I hope they will continue to be close with my children the way you were with your gram. It sounds like you were so lucky to have her.

So thanks for sharing. Maybe sharing stories about your gram can help you -- share by telling others about her, writing about her, painting if you do that, whatever way you can express your love for her. It might make you feel that even though she is gone, she is still a part of you and still able to make a difference in people's lives.

This is such a hard time for you and I'm so sorry for your loss. You had a wonderful relationship with your grandmother and of course it's so hard to not have her in your life. It sounds like you have a good attitude about her living a long and fruitful life. Now, it's hard to get through your day without thinking of her all the time - you always want to pick up the phone. If you spoke to her 20 times a day, that's an awful lot to do without.

I think you absolutely can stay on the medication for a while - don't be worried about addiction. You need to calm down enough to sleep. It's much more dangerous to be sleep-deprived.

Grief and mourning just take time. There's not much you can do to hurry through it. To make it productive, you might consider making a photo album or a scrapbook of memories. Collect photos, old letters, ticket stubs from shared events, and so on. Write a letter to her and put that in there. Our family did this for someone's 90th birthday - the kids and grandkids all did a 2-page spread of what she means to them. It was great for her, but it will be something we will all treasure after she dies.

Go to the scrapbook store for little doodads to add to the pages - there are lots of sayings printed about grandmas, and you can get things that remind you of her and her activities - a car, some stuff from Florida, a telephone to remind you of your calls. Celebrate the warmth and wisdom she gave you, but also remember the funny things and the wacky times. It will help you get perspective. Get a book to help you with ideas, or get a scrapbooking friend to help you organize things.

Treasure the time with your mother. She is missing her mother too, so work on keeping that relationship strong. Pass this history of strong relationships on to others in the family - children, sister, nieces/nephews, etc. Honor your grandmother by giving others the joy she gave you.

Volunteer at a nursing home to cheer up people who don't have children and grandchildren who visit them. Get some grief counseling in the short term to help you focus and express your feelings. Don't be impatient with yourself if you are still missing her in a few months, but DO make sure you are engaging in your regular life and not immersed entirely in grief.

The pain will fade if you let it - but that doesn't mean you've forgotten her. It doesn't sound to me like such a vibrant woman would want her family to stop living a full life - she would want you to go on, to experience joy, to laugh, and to love.

Amy, I am sorry for your loss but very happy that you had such a long wonderful relationship with your Grandmother. Since she was such a big part of your daily life, there is a hole you need to fill. Not to forget her, but to give you something else to do so you are not focusing on the loss. Maybe do something that would honor her--volunteer, write a journal that you can share with younger family members, join a Bible study group. Find a new hobby or something you can do with your husband in the evening so you don't have that empty time. Losing someone you love is hard - allow yourself time to grieve and time to heal. But it does get easier with time if you let it.

I am so sorry for your loss. I was incredibly close with my grandfather who was 99 when he passed away, he was also in excellent health until the very end and I truly believe could have lived for several more years had he not become ill when he did. Imagine how frustrating and hurtful it was to have people dismiss my grief with the attitude that he had lived such a full life that it was time for him to go and therefore not tragic. Even expecting his passing, I was surprised at how sad I felt, until I realized that no matter how long a life, no matter how happy, the loss of that special person is, and should be, truly great. It is okay to feel grief and sadness, especially as you are learning to readjust your life around that loss. Allow yourself to grieve and be a bit lost-otherwise you are denying the magnitude of her presence in your life and your relationship. Even years later-while you won't be racked with grief-you will still feel the loss. On occasion I still want to cry from missing my grandfather, but it's easier to function through the sadness.

As for the sleeping pills, the only suggestion I can give you is to use them as a tool to keep you on the path of grief and away from losing control. As long as you are aware of your use and you desire to move away from that use-then you should be fine. Only use it as it is directed and NEVER use it otherwise. Keep up the dialogue with your doctor and your sister-they are medical professionals that know you, and they should be able to help you decide when it would be best for you to start moving away from it. I was nervous after a c-section and a gall bladder removal that I had to use Vicodin for pain relief...and of course, you always hear about how easy it is to become addicted to pills. I was very aware each time I took a pill and once I began to heal-each time-I took it less and less until pain treatment was possible with over the counter medication like Advil, and then bearable without anything. I'm not going to say that it was never tempting to take one again when I had an extreme headache or hurt myself doing something-because I knew how well they worked, but I've always stayed away from doing so, because I believe that is how people fall into patterns of addiction...when it becomes easy to use something-rather than necessary....and it sounds like you are in the necessary phase when it comes to your sleeping pills.

Try coming up with a pattern that will help you relax and go to sleep. First-don't sleep in in the morning...no matter how tempted you are, and try to stay active (though sometimes we should sit and allow ourselves to wallow)...but at least wake up fairly early in the morning. That way-your body will have had a full day and will be ready to fall into a natural sleep from natural exhaustion. In the evenings, try coming up with a nightly routine. Perhaps a cup of decaf tea (unless that will make you go to the bathroom at night), take a long warm bath in scented water. Read a book, or watch a movie-neither of which should be very stimulating...choose something relaxing with a feel-good message...a nice romantic comedy is always my favorite...and it tends to keep me in a far more positive frame of mind and my dreams are far happier if I dream at all. Find what works best for you and go with it. Eventually you will be able to take only half of your medication and then none.

Best of luck! I hope this can help you in your difficult time.

I lost my mom, about 12 years ago. It took three years for the pain to quit causing tears. It took 10 years for most of the pain to go away.

I prayed and prayed and prayed for some consolation and help. I still think of her and look at mom and dad's picture among all of the family pictures in our hallway. The pain gradually goes away or at least diminishes to a tolerable level. But writing this brings tears and memories back.

Good luck to you and yours.

I am so sorry for your loss and I understand what you are going through. I lost my dear mother to cancer this past summer and she was only 67. It's been 2 months and I don't think the pain will ever go away, but it will get better over time. I think it's especially difficult when it feels like something that should not have happened when it did, and it's just not fair. There are days I will driving in the car and random thoughts and memories of her pop into my head and I just start crying right there and then.

I would strongly recommend professional grief counseling to help you start sorting through your feelings and learning to cope with your loss. It is a process and again, can take time. You might be able to find a therapist who can prescribe meds that they think will truly help you if they feel they are indicated, rather than just being a sort of knee-jerk reaction - "Oh you're depressed? Here, just take this!"

I would also agree with your sister in that you need to get sleep - without enough sleep, you will not be able to function or begin to heal. I would make sleep a higher priority for now over worrying about possible addiction.

Take care and God Bless...